Chapter 5

Where do we go from here?

Rizzles angst.

She sat there,

numb,

for a while after Maura left the kitchen,

mumbling to herself in despair.

"Am I a rapist. Do I call myself a rapist?

Do I go to the police?

I am the police..

Oh god."

Well she wasn't numb anymore.

The guilt was expanding inside of her and pretty soon, it would reach her toes and be all that she was, but she wasn't going to cry.

She wasn't going to let herself cry again tonight..

..She hoped.

Jane realized the water was running in the guest bathroom so maura was taking a shower and more than likely sleeping in the spare bedroom again. That must be her safe space.

The room Jane didn't rape her in..

Jane wanted to get clean too and a shower sounded just about perfect before taking something, anything, from the medicine cabinet and passing out on their bed.

As she thought about laying down to forget the last 24 hours, she remembered the bedding she left in the washing machine this morning. She checked her watch 9:29pm.

So the bedding was sitting in the washer for about 12hrs. "Great. I'll probably have to wash them again." She says to herself as she gets up to go to the machine.

"Oh thank God" she exclaims, shoving the sheets and covers into the dryer when she smells that they're still fresh.

Coming back to stand in the doorway to the front area of the house,she regards the place she was just sitting before moving further into the room to pick up the shattered pieces of porcelain glass.

Kneeling down to gather the broken mug, she steadies herself with her hand on the wall, and realizes her hand is right above the stained paint splotch. It's soaked into and darkened the paint in an obvious way.

"it'll have to be wallpapered or repainted" she sighs to herself, inspecting the stain before standing back up and looking to the pieces in her hand.

Looking back to the floor she sees there are so many tiny pieces left and picking them all up right now feels impossible. But she had to get started somewhere.

So, grabbing the Swiffer from the pantry and tossing the pieces from her hand into the trash, she begins to vacuum clean the entire kitchen and then moves to the dining area and around the corner to the living room. It felt compulsive but she didn't want to stop until she had gone over every inch where the glass could have shattered and then some. It took longer than it needed to but the satisfaction she had carrying the Swiffer back to it's place in the pantry made it worth it.

Now what?

The house is silent again as Jane moves back to stand in the archway between the wide open and then the more intimate parts of the house.

The guest room door is dark because the lamp usually illuminating the hallway is off.

"Everything is off" Jane mumbles as she moves to turn the lamp on. With one more look to the barrier between her and Maura, she faces what lies ahead.

Shes on autopilot now but there something to be said about flying outside your body, looking down on everything you do. It almost feels like invincibility, but maybe, right now, it's just the inevitability in life.

All the synapses seem to be igniting with different ideas and scenarios, .. memories.

She strips slowly, removing the days physical reminders from herself before treading to the medicine cabinet. Washing her throat down at the sink before splashing her face. The water was cold but not refreshing. Not until she was surrounded by it and felt it washing over her.

She laid down in the tub and wished the water was heavier, her arms were beginning to float upwards.

Her eyelids did too when she sensed..

She opens her eyes and see Her.

She's distorted.

Is this the pills?

Jane becomes aware of how weightless her arms are against the rest of her body. They try to pull her up too but Jane stays under the water, looking at that distorted figure. Trying to figure it out.

Then she reaches in.

Beautiful wrists, the magician glows in the water and that makes Jane happy.

Maura pulls a sputtering Jane up out of the water, staring as streams fall down her face and she blinks more out of her eyes.

They keep looking at each other as Jane struggles not to cough but fails and sputters a little as her lungs adjust to fresh oxygen again.

"I'm- I'm going to stay with Suzie.

..For a bit."

Maura stands up away from the tub in order to hold it together as Jane's expression hits her and the surprise and hurt is plain to read. But this isn't about Jane,

it's because of her.

"I came in here to tell you before I go."

She looks on at Jane for another moment before turning to leave.

"Wait no" Jane reaches out and grabs Maura's wrist. "You're leaving now? right now? When are you coming back? Maura.. I--"

Maura continues to face away, she's ready to leave but she answers, "Yes. I'm leaving now Jane. I.. don't know when.."

"Maura please don't go. Please. I need you. I.. I don't want to live without you." And she stands up and out from the water, turning Maura, with an added hand on her hip, to face her as she comes to stand in front of her. She pulls Maura into her own space.

"I want to work .. to earn your trust back. Maura, I am so sorry i was weak and cruel.. But I love you, and I really," she puts her fingers on the back of Maura's neck with her thumbs on her cheeks, guiding Maura's face up to hers before she finishes, "really don't want to live without you." And she puts a soft kiss on the edge of her lips before giving herself a moment to absorb Maura's gaze.

Maura let's herself feel it because she knows once she leaves, she'll be cycling between numb and mad as hell.

And Jane's love still feels like Jane's love. Even if it's tainted love.

I love the way she pulls me into her.

When her kisses get frantic and her tongue has to feel mine. Her lips are so soft.

The moan escapes me before I can stop it but then Jane's cock is pressing into me and our goodbye is done as I step back and her hands drop from my face.

And I realize my front half is soaked and bits of my hair are wet now too.

She just keeps looking at me

"I know you're my better half, Maur."

"..Jane, I have to go.."

".. Maura.."

But Maura turns and this time she leaves the bathroom,

disappearing into the darkness of their bedroom.

"MAURAAA!!!!" Jane yells as another tear escapes

and she stays, rooted in her spot.

She keeps standing there until one of her synapses sets off an explosion.

Her feet stumble but she gets to the kitchen as Maura is standing at the open door with a large rolling suitcase by her side.

She turns back as Jane stops short of the foyer.

Neither of the say a word, Maura knows there is nothing else to be said now.

So she whispers, "Goodbye Jane." As she shuts the door behind herself and leaves.

Jane stays there until the hum of Maura's car until disappears.

Then she goes back to the medicine cabinet before stumbling to the bed and passing out on the bare mattress.

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