On a tranquil day in Liyue, more specifically at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, Hu Tao heard someone knocking at the door.
Casually opening it, she saw Alastor, standing there with his usual smile.
« Hello, my dear juvenile! » Alastor greeted the girl.
« Oh, great. It's this guy…» Hu Tao muttered annoyed.
« As you may and definitely may know, after my attempts to MASS PRODUCE YOU, our dear God Morax has decided to punish me in doing manual labour, including aiding you in sending innocent souls to the afterlife! » Alastor explained.
« So I've been told. I swear, Morax sounds so much like Zhongli, and I don't know how. » Hu Tao replied.
« So what appears to be the manual labour that we must perform to appease the spirits? » Alastor asked.
« Well, first of all, advertisement. » Hu Tao replied. « Whilst only hellborn demons can die of natural causes, with the exception of Charlie and some others, and as such they're prime target for our services, Sinner Demons CAN live forever, but they can be killed by other means, therefore they can still be clients, alongside the aforementioned Charlie and other demons! »
« Hohoho! What a style of thinking! You might as well become my Liyuean daughter! » Alastor cheerfully replied.
« But I don't want to be your-» Hu Tao was about to object, before being interrupted.
« This, my dear, is what we in a society call a "joke"! » Alastor exclaimed.
« …Okay….Returning to the matters at hand, you'll also help me clear up any malevolent energies at Wuwang Hill, especially after you released those monstrosities in the wild…» Hu Tao continued.
« No need, my dear juvenile! » Alastor proclaimed. « All the experiments that have been released from the Fuck Box have been exterminated by our dear effeminate fellow and his one eye companion, alongside Shenhe's personal squeeze! And as such, their corpses have been fed to the machine for the production of Mr. Cyclops! »
« Wait, didn't the Fatui stole those machines? » Hu Tao asked confused.
« Sir Pentious rebuilt them in order to deal with the constant number of Chilli Churro carcasses we created every day! » Alastor replied.
« Okay…. » a confused Hu Tao replied. « Nevertheless, there are still rumours of malevolent creatures in the area, so we'll have to make a spectacle to calm the people down. »
« What if I released an unspeakable horror in the area for you to eliminate, therefore making the whole operation more genuine? » Alastor proposed.
« From the bottom of my heart: Fuck. That. » Hu Tao replied.
« What happened to honesty these days…» Alastor sighed. « Nevertheless, I have just the idea about how to promote this industry! »
Xxxxxxx
After a while, Alastor planted a small white board in front of Hu Tao, and showed her his commercial.
« Well, hello there, demonic creatures! Do you like blood, violence, and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do, that's why you were in Hell! But now that you are in the land of the Chinese, eventually you'll bite the dust, and then what? Well here's the solution! Welcome to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour, a misguided path to bring peace to your soul! Founded a long time ago by Hu Tao delusional ancestor! Come place your passing in her inexperienced hands, as she tries to work through her family issues by giving you eternal rest! Here we offer fun things, such as somewhat functional staff and 24-hour pest control. Custom coffins, and just look at this tacky parlour! Wow! All this, and more at the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour! Your last desperate attempt at having a better burial ground than Chilli Churros faecal material starts here! »
And so, the AD was over. « So, what do you think? »
Sitting on a couch, Hu Tao was surprised of the commercial being…. whatever it was. « I'm sorry. What the fuck was that? »
« Entertainment, my dear! » Alastor replied.
« It barely explains anything about how the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour is supposed to give rest to all we bury, which is the whole fucking point. » Hu Tao replied.
« Well, my dear, I'm a tad bit more professional on my radio show, the proper medium to express oneself. But, unfortunately, the people of this region lack radios of any sort, forcing me to create this monstrosity. » Alastor explained, as he tapped the white screen twice with his microphone staff. « So, I had a little fun with it. »
« Oh, fun? You had a little fun with it? » Hu Tao stood up. « Well, this is not what I want to represent the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour. So unless you want to test how many spears I can shove up your ass, "Radio Demon", take this job seriously, AND STOP WASTIN' MY TIME! »
« My dear, whilst I'm obligated to cause no harm to your body, soul or mind, I'm afraid that penetrating my rectum will not bear fruitful successes! » Alastor explained.
« Whatever. we can think of advertising later. For now, let's focus on Big G. » Hu Tao sighed.
« I have no idea of who this individual is! » Alastor exclaimed.
« "Big G" is a ghost adrift in the mortal realm that Meng seems to have seen. » Hu Tao explained. « Before you came today, I had a chat with three people I suspected of being followed by Big G. But having seen them, I didn't sense the presence of anything otherworldly. »
« Where should our hunt-I mean search begin? » Alastor asked.
« We'll have to talk to Meng. He works here, so let me call him over. » Hu Tao replied. « Hey Meng! Get in here! »
« You called, Director Hu Tao? » Meng asked.
« Well hello Mister Meng! Would it be possible to tell the public about this Big G individual before we give him IMMENSE PAIN? » Alastor pointed his microphone staff at him.
« …Not the best person I would had asked for help, but who am I to refuse…I guess I should start at the beginning. My home was in the vicinity of Wuwang Hill. In my youth, I had a good many friends there. Big G was one of them. We were the best of friends, inseparable really. But one day there was an accident, and that was the end of him. » Meng explained. « I've never forgotten... Too many memories, I suppose. I often return to Wuwang Hill. But recently, after one such visit, I started to feel strange. Now, every night, Big G appears in my dreams. I can't help but wonder, did I disturb him somehow? »
« Do you have any actual proof of his existence? Any proof that all these hallucinations are your sense of guilt after losing such a dear person? » Alasor asked.
« I don't have proof, but I can't stop worrying. I get more anxious every day. » Meng replied. « How would I ever come to terms with my childhood friend becoming an evil spirit? »
« That's why he joined Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. In place of a salary, I'm helping him deal with this matter. And in fact, what Meng has said is entirely plausible. » Hu Tao explained. « Spirits, on occasion, do find a way into our world. But as for evil spirits, I think you're scaring yourself. Even I have only encountered malevolent forces a handful of times. »
« But are you sure there's no danger? I couldn't bear for him to go around harming people. » Meng replied.
« You see what I mean? Look at the state of him. If we can't find Big G, it'll eat away at Meng forever. » Hu Tao turned to Alastor. « Those people I talked to today were also Meng's childhood friends. I thought there was a good chance Big G might have hidden among them. But here we are, empty-handed. »
« Wuwang Hill, childhood friends... Seems like we're out of leads...» Meng sighed defeated.
« Sorry, excuse me, is this Wangsheng Funeral Parlor? » a man entered the building.
« Indeed! The only Funeral Parlour that tells you to fuck off! » Alastor exclaimed.
« …Ignoring that…. My name's Luocheng. I've had this awful feeling recently, like something's staring at me. » the man, Luocheng, explained. « Some of my friends and I went to Wuwang Hill the other day on a dare. After I returned home, I fell ill... I've been having recurring nightmares, but the doctors can't find anything wrong with me. I think that... it's a curse, right? I've been cursed by a demon! »
« Say no more. There's no doubt, it's a demonic curse alright — and a serious one at that. » Hu Tao replied.
« You believe so too!? Then it's just like they say in the tales of old... The vengeful spirits of the gods who fell in the Archon War return to cast their evil curses upon mortals... » Luocheng turned pale. « And if the curse isn't lifted, it will burn through the body, laying waste to flesh and bone! Oh, what a wretched end! »
« We at Radio Demon Inc. do not claim responsibility for any demonic possessions of the 666th kind. » Alastor's Microphone Staff said.
« Hold your horses, all of you. There's no need to creep each other out. » Hu Tao replied.
« Wangsheng Funeral Parlor specializes in demonic stuff like this, right? Help me, I beg you! I'm too young to die! » Luocheng pleaded.
« Alright alright, don't panic. Leave it to me, you've come to the right person. » Hu Tao reassured the man. « However, in order to lift the curse, we need a suitable location... and we need to make some preparations. »
Xxxxxxx
And so, Hu Tao and Alastor reached the exorcism site.
« Hohoho, I must say, that was quite the entertaining scene, seeing you manipulate that individual for your own goals! » Alastor exclaimed.
« You saw those two. One thinks he's been cursed, the other one believes his friend's turned into an evil spirit. It's hard to reason with them. Now you see why I believe that ordinary folks should be kept in the dark... » Hu Tao sighed. « I've seen too many people lose their senses on account of things like this. If you want to calm them down, you need to convince them with something tangible. And the best way to do that is to make a great show of destroying the bogeyman they believe in before their very eyes. »
« Why not just admitting the sad truth, my dear juvenile? » Alastor asked.
« Because you can't guarantee that telling an ignorant person the truth will improve the situation instead of exacerbating it. » Hu Tao replied. « What I can do is pretend to pull back anyone who believes their time is nigh. But, since the curse is imaginary, our fix will also be make-believe. »
« Meh. Makes sense. Well, let the "ritual" begin! » Alastor exclaimed.
Xxxxxxx
After a while, Luocheng and Meng arrived.
« Ah, you're finally here! We just finished our preparations. » Hu Tao explained. « Now, look here. This device is used to drive away evil spirits. It'll absorb the curse inside you and cause it to take a physical form. »
« That way, we can give it IMMENSE PAIN! » Alastor added.
« Will that really solve my problem? » Luocheng asked.
« Trust the director. She might look like a weirdo, but she's serious about everything she does. » Meng replied.
« Ugh, how can you call me a weirdo? I mean, wouldn't you say it's more... charmingly naive? Or... disarmingly different? » Hu Tao pouted. « Alright, let's get down to business! My glamorous assistant, please activate the device! »
« Of course, my dear juvenile! » Alastor exclaimed, as he punched the monolith, attracting some Hilichurls, who were promptly killed and engulfed by Alastor's tentacles.
« And after giving the curse IMMENSE PAIN, what are your feelings about your uneasiness? » Alastor asked.
« I feel more invigorated than ever before! I'm cured! » Luocheng exclaimed. « I can't express how grateful I am for your and the Radio Demon's help! If it hadn't been for you, the curse would've taken my life. »
« Good to hear! Except you were part of an elaborate joke, my dear friend! » Alastor exclaimed.
«…Bitch what? » Luocheng asked confused.
« This exorcism device? People like you wouldn't recognize it, but it's just an old Ley Line Monolith, deceptively effective at attracting monsters. » Hu Tao explained. « And those were real monsters, not a manifestation of your curse. »
« Now here's the one million dollar question! What could had possible reason behind your SEETHING AGONY? » Alastor asked.
« The curse... wasn't real? » Luocheng asked confused. « ...Then why was I sick? »
« You caught a cold, ate something bad, or just scared yourself sick, it's anyone's guess... but I'm leaning towards the last option. It wouldn't be the first time in my career. » Hu Tao shrugged.
« How unexpected... » Meng noted.
« I also didn't expect that, but still... I'd like to thank you. » Luocheng thanked the group.
« Don't mention it. I found a way to deal with your fears this time, but I can't do it over and over again, so I'd appreciate it if you try not to give in to superstitions in the future. » Hu Tao replied. « Human life is short. Enjoy it while it lasts. »
« Wow, I... What a weird thing to say. » Luocheng said, before leaving. « I—I shall head back. I'm sorry for troubling you. »
« I feel relieved to see that it wasn't Big G's doing. However, unless he crosses the border, there will be no end to his antics. » Meng noted. « Since we are done with the matter at hand, can we resume our search for Big G? »
« I believe that won't be needed. » Hu Tao pointed at a bush. « He found us first. »
« Big G!? » Meng exclaimed shocked.
« U—Um... I didn't mean to bother you... Any of you... » a little ghost boy came out of hiding.
As a response to that, Alastor teleported right to his face, with a creepy smile. « I will give you. IMMENSE PAIN! »
In response, Hu Tao struck the back of the demon's head, who remained unfazed. « NO TORTURING CHILDREN, EITHER DEAD OR ALIVE! »
In response to that, Alastor turned towards her calmly. « Hohohoho, my dear, don't be ridiculous! I don't torture CHILDREN. »
« Whatever. Let's bring him back to Wangsheng Funeral Parlor. We have much to do. » Hu Tao sighed.
Xxxxxxx
And so, the group returned to the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour.
« So tell me, my dear undead juvenile? For what possible reason have you decided to cause bodily harm to the good citizens of Liyue? » Alastor asked.
« I just wanted to check up on my friends. That's why I came to Liyue Harbor. I promise I wasn't up to any mischief! I never wanted to scare anyone! » Big G exclaimed. « A few days ago, some people came to Wuwang Hill on a dare. I heard them saying they'd come from Liyue Harbor, so I followed one of them back and ended up here. »
« Ah, it must've been poor Luocheng that you followed. Maybe he didn't notice you, but he could still feel your presence. Now we know what caused his nightmares. » Hu Tao replied.
« I—I was discovered? » Big G asked.
« Well, I assume so, otherwise he wouldn't have been scared half to death. » Hu Tao pinched the ghost's cheeks in response.
« Which begs the question, my dear undead juvenile, why not looking for Meng sooner? » Alastor asked.
« Oh, that's because I couldn't find them. It's my first time in Liyue Harbor and I got lost in the city. » Big G replied.
« Now that you mention it, Big G always had a poor sense of direction. When we were kids, he'd never go down the hill by himself. We always had to lead him. » Meng replied.
« HA! That is HILARIOUS, my dear juvenile! » Alastor exclaimed.
« You really haven't changed a bit…» Meng commented.
« I knew I wasn't supposed to show myself to the living, and with so many people walking around Liyue Harbor, my only choice was to hide. » Big G explained. « I wouldn't have found you if it weren't for the Ley Line Monolith's call. »
« I'm so relieved that you haven't become an evil spirit... » Meng sighed in relief.
« Like I said, don't ever doubt my professional instincts. Now, all we have to do is escort this lost child back to Wuwang Hill, and we should be done and dust-to-dusted! » Hu Tao exclaimed.
« But he just said that he wanted to visit his friends. Apart from me, there's also Little Wu, Mumu, and Congzi. » Meng noted.
« That can be arranged! » Alastor exclaimed, as he summoned his tentacles, and grabbed the three men from somewhere within Liyue.
« GAH! What the-» Little Wu exclaimed in a panic, before seeing Big G. « Big G? Is that you? »
« Hello, my dear mortals! You have been dragged from your menial working conditions as a chef, a businessman and a Lantern creator to meet one last time with this juvenile! » Alastor exclaimed.
« How the hell do you know where people are in Liyue when you just SNATCH them? » Hu Tao asked confused.
« I watch the entirety of Liyue in its sleep. » Alastor replied, as the cries of the innocents reasoned in the area.
« …What IS he? » Hu Tao murmured terrified.
« But enough about me! How about we celebrate the sendoff of this undead juvenile in a proper fashion! » Alastor exclaimed.
Xxxxxxx
That evening, Ninnguang was awaken by the sound of the largest explosion ever heard by a human being, and her face turned pale as a response.
Racing to the balcony of the Jade Chamber in despair, she fully expected to see a huge chunk of Liyue in flames or blown up. However, much to her surprise, all she saw were massive fireworks coming out of the Hazbin Hotel. « …Yeah, they get a pass on that. »
At the Hazbin Hotel itself, a party was occurring, with smooth jazz playing.
And inside, Big G was REALLY happy. « Wow! Jueyun Chili Chicken! Toyboxes! Mingxiao Lanterns! You guys made these!? »
« You bet! I've become a chef, Mumu's a successful businessman, and Congzi makes great Xiao Lanterns. » Little Wu explained.
« See, my dear little juvenile? Not everything in life is endless agony! » Alastor exclaimed.
« I never thought that! » Big G pouted.
« Gotta say, Alastor, this has got to be one hell of a sendoff! » Hu Tao smirked.
« Ya bet, Ponytails! Also helped quite a bit during the Lantern Rite. » Angel commented.
« Still don't know where the music even comes from…» Charlie commented.
« You don't wanna now, my dear! Even I prefer to be ignorant of that information! » Alastor replied.
« It's Chilli Churros, isn't it? » Vaggie groaned annoyed.
« Again, I have no idea myself! » Alastor replied.
« Well, since we're already here, would you like to become clients of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlour? You may not know the time when you bite the dust! » Hu Tao asked Charlie.
« Whilst I'm…truly tempted by your offer…I think I'll have to pass…maybe later? » Charlie proposed.
« Absolutely NOT. » Vaggie replied.
« You girls are no fun. » Hu Tao pouted.
« Well, might as well. Someone's gotta preserve THIS beauty! » Angel replied.
« Only the finest of marbles for you, Angel. » Hu Tao replied.
« I'll pass as well, for I shall achieve immortality with the help of the machine! » Pentious declared.
« Suuuure…..keep thinking that, buddy…» Hu Tao cringed at Sir Pentious declaration.
« Count me out. I want booze, not graves. » Husk said.
« Can't really bring booze to the afterlife now, can you? » Hu Tao commented smugly.
« Keep the bloody change… » Husk tossed some money at the girl.
« Enough about business talks! Let us enjoy this party, before we send this juvenile to the afterlife! » Alastor exclaimed, as he put "That's life" by Frank Sinatra on the Radio.
Xxxxxxx
Many thanks to Inanna for many of the suggestions for this chapter.
I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review so I can know your opinion. I'm willing to accept suggestions for what is going to happen, so stay tuned! Also, remember to like and follow, if you want!
See you to the next update!