Author note- Hello, hope everyone is having a nice holiday season. This one's not long but I wanted to make sure I posted something this week. Hope everyone has a happy and safe Christmas.

Song inspiration- World Spins Madly On-The Weepies

Chapter 5

Let the Day Go By

Harry sat numbly through one class after the next. He followed mindlessly behind his friends to meals. The day seemed to melt away around him. When he had returned to the tower the night before he had locked himself in the bathroom for hours until there had been a knock at the door.

Thankfully, it had only been a half-asleep Neville.

Harry felt broken in a way that he hadn't felt since he had stood in the headmaster's office a month ago. Everything about this last week felt like it was ripping him apart. He'd felt so determined walking into the great hall for the opening feast. Now everything felt like it was falling apart. The world kept spinning around him, but he was stuck in this haze desperately wishing he could just be done.

They were supposed to have the first DA meeting tomorrow and he couldn't fathom being clear minded enough to do that. He'd gotten a note this morning from the headmaster that there was going to be an Order meeting tomorrow night as well.

He had accepted what Remus and Snape had said the night before. It had been an accident. He felt horrid that he had doubted them. They had been nothing but kind and supportive to him this summer and he had repaid them by accusing them of hurting him like his relatives.

Harry's jaw clenched in self-hatred. They weren't ever going to forgive him for this. The despair of it was becoming physically painful. There was an uncomfortable pressure in his stomach that had built all day.

Hermione had walked them to the library, but Harry had no idea what they were even working on. He knew he was supposed to go see Remus and he just couldn't convince himself to stand up and leave. He didn't want to see disappointment in his eyes.

He wished he could just go to bed and not wake up.

"Harry." Hermione's voice called from beside him.

Shaking himself from his thoughts Harry turned to look at her.

"Are you alright?" Hermione whispered.

Harry gasped softly in mortification as he realized he was crying. His face blushed deeply, and he wiped away the tears and looked away from Hermione only to end up looking right at Ron.

"I'm sorry." Harry mumbled.

"It's okay mate." Ron muttered, before scooting over slightly to block Harry from view of the rest of the library.

Harry took deep breaths to calm himself. He'd let his mind run away with him. He really needed to get a grip. How was he supposed to protect his friends if he was losing track of what he was even doing?

"I'm fine." Harry muttered.

Ron and Hermione gave him disbelieving looks.

"Do you want to go back to the tower for a while? We've still got an hour before we need to go to dinner." Hermione offered quietly.

Harry considered for a moment. He really did want to go to the tower. Perhaps lay down for a while. He hadn't slept at all last night despite laying down in his Animagus form. Usually sleeping as Akela helped but last night, he'd done nothing but toss and turn.

Harry shook his head and closed his Charms textbook that was laid out on the table.

"Nah, you guys stay here. I told Remus I'd meet up with him today. I should probably go." Harry said, sliding his book back into his bag.

Hermione looked worried but nodded.

"See you at dinner?" Ron asked unsurely.

He'd not been there last night, and they had asked him about it this morning. He'd apologized and brushed it off.

"Yeah. I'll be there." Harry said, forcing a smile onto his face.

He took the quickest route out of the Library and into the nearest bathroom. Slipping into a stall he leaned his head against the door and closed his eyes.

He walked into the forest in his mind and looked around. He hadn't done as much work on his occlumency shields as he should have. Memories of the last few days swirled around him. Taking some deep breaths, he began to collect them and force them into the hole in his mind. As the memories began to settle, he noticed a second hole near the first. It wasn't as big, but it was there. He kneeled and looked at the small pulsing void.

His brows scrunched as he stared at it in confusion. He suspected that the large hole was something that Voldemort had done. He hadn't been aware of it until he'd learned to take control of his occlumency shields.

This was new though. He hadn't had any new visions. He should probably tell someone. Who would care though?

'I've got a hole in my head.' Sounded rather stupid.

With a sigh he turned away from it and looked around. The forest still looked like it had been through a mighty storm. He couldn't keep standing in it though. A few flickers crossed his mind. Draco leaning into his side last night, Draco taking his hand and pulling him into Snapes rooms, then Blaise kissing Draco.

Harry's heart clenched painfully as he pushed all of the memories away from him.

Taking more slow breaths, he tried to focus on what he needed to do. He needed to focus on the war. None of the rest of it mattered anymore.

He opened his eyes with a single-minded determination. Learn what he needed to win the war. Teach his friends to keep themselves safe. Hold everyone away from him to minimize the fallout when he died, and to keep them safe from those that would seek to hurt him through those he cared about.

With a firm nod he opened the stall door and walked to the sink. His eyes look blank and hard. He grit his teeth seeing the swirling magical aura in his scar.

Looking away he washed his face and hands before heading to Remus office.

Remus tapped his foot as he sat in his office. He'd had a handful of appointments today. He worried about the students who had come to see him. Most were seeking reassurance about the war. Worried about their families, or their own safety. He did what he could to reassure them that they were safe here.

He had hoped that Harry would come and see him but as the day got later it seemed less and less likely. There was less than an hour before dinner would start. He supposed he wasn't surprised that Harry hadn't shown up, but he'd hoped. Perhaps he would catch him after dinner.

He began gathering his things from his desk when there was a knock at his door. Setting down the parchments in his hand he called for whoever it was to come in.

To his pleasant surprise it was Harry.

"Hello." Remus said.

Harry nodded slightly before stepping into the room and closing the door behind him.

"Would you like some tea?" Remus offered over his shoulder, giving Harry a moment to settle into the room.

"No, thank you." Harry said neutrally.

Remus nodded and headed to his chair, gesturing to the couch. Harry hesitated for a moment before he took a seat. Remus could tell Harry was occluding but let it be. If Harry felt it was necessary, he would allow Harry what he needed to feel comfortable. There were several things he'd like to address with Harry.

"How was your day?" Remus started.

Harry nodded a little. He seemed calm, not fidgeting, he was even looking Remus in the eye.

"It was fine." Harry answered.

Remus took a deep breath.

"There are a few things that I'd like to discuss with you. I'd like to know how you're doing first." Remus said.

"I'm fine, sir." Harry answered.

Remus frowned a little. Harry hadn't addressed him that way since he'd been his teacher years ago. He supposed he shouldn't be surprised after Harry called them all Professors last night. Harry was obviously not fine. Though perhaps having this conversation now while Harry's shields were up was for the best.

"I'd like you to try and describe how your feeling with a different word, please." Remus said.

Harry sighed slightly.

"I'm tired." Harry answered.

"Not sleeping well?" Remus asked.

Harry shrugged.

"I've never slept very well." Harry answered neutrally.

Remus knew Harry suffered from nightmares. Offering dreamless sleep wasn't a good answer though. Harry was already on a lot of potions and Remus was hesitant to add more. There was also a considerable risk of addiction.

"I'm sorry. Have your occlumency shields not aided your sleep?" Remus asked.

Harry looked away and shrugged a little.

"Professor Snape said that might be an option. I haven't found it to be useful so far." Harry answered stiffly.

Remus knew that Harry was hesitant to do more occlumency lessons with Severus. Which was understandable given the way the man had conducted the lessons. He was still rather angry at Severus for having invaded Harry's mind like that.

"I think it might be helpful. I can help you if you want." Remus offered.

"It's fine." Harry responded dismissively.

They sat quietly for a moment while Remus tried to figure out where to go from here. This wasn't like this summer when Harry wasn't talking at all. It wasn't the hesitant anxious conversations they'd had either. This wasn't even the more relaxed conversations they'd had while camping.

Remus wasn't sure how to handle Harry when he was like this. Harry was almost acting like he had before this summer. All the masks back up, like everything was fine. The only thing that distinguished now from then was the look in his eyes. Before this summer Harry might look a little guarded or try and shift the conversation away from anything he didn't want to talk about. Now, Harry was just being dismissive and the pain in his eyes was obvious.

Harry rolled his shoulders and looked at Remus expectantly.

"What is it that you wanted to talk about, Professor?" Harry asked.

Remus bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying the wrong thing. Harry was pushing him away and the pain of that was crushing. He hated that this latest mistake had seemingly destroyed anything they'd built this summer.

Taking a deep breath Remus tried to refocus. He needed to think about this like a job. This was his job. He was the school counselor. Harry was having issues, and they needed to be addressed. If Harry needed some emotional space from him, he could give Harry that space.

"I have a few things I'd like us to talk about. First, I'd like to address your self-harm." Remus said.

A slight blush crept up Harry's cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again." Harry said flatly.

Remus sighed.

"I don't need an apology, nor do I need a promise that it won't happen again. I understand the distress that leads to self-harming behavior. Can you tell me what led to this relapse?" Remus asked.

Harry's cheeks darkened. Remus felt sorry for Harry. He knew how uncomfortable these talks were. With Harry's history though, things like this needed to be addressed. He wished he'd been able to talk to Harry about it sooner.

"No." Harry said in a harsh whisper.

Remus brows furrowed.

"No, you can't tell me, or no, you won't tell me?" Remus asked.

Harry sighed and his hands twisted together slightly.

"I just don't want to talk about it. I've just…" Harry shook his head.

"I wont do it again." Harry mumbled.

Remus considered Harry for a moment. He knew that Harry had been overwhelmed and that a lot had been going on. Remus decided he would just keep an eye on him for now.

"I would like to talk to you about some alternatives for when you're feeling that way." Remus explained.

Harry averted his eyes and nodded.

Remus went over some grounding exercises they had talked about this summer. He also told him to try and find things to distract him from the feeling. Going for a walk or a fly on the pitch, playing a game, spending time with his friends. Harry nodded along but Remus wasn't sure any of it was sinking in.

"You can also always come to me Harry. I'm here if you're struggling. Your other professors are available as well." Remus said.

Harry nodded again but said nothing.

Remus glanced at the clock on the wall and decided they still had time.

"I would like to discuss what happened in Diagon Alley." Remus started.

Harry didn't give much of a reaction, but Remus noticed his jaw clenching as well as his hands gripping into his robes. He didn't want to upset Harry, but it needed to be addressed.

"What do you want to know?" Harry asked quietly.

Remus took a deep breath. There was a lot that he wanted to know but today wasn't the day to go digging into Harry's past.

"I don't want to know anything; other than how you are doing after what happened. Severus explained what happened." Remus said calmly.

Harry bit his lip a little and nodded. His eyes were locked somewhere over Remus shoulder.

"I'm doing fine. Nothing happened." Harry answered.

Remus gave Harry a sad look.

"You were confronted with someone who has caused you significant suffering Harry. I wouldn't say nothing happened. It's okay if it upset you, or scared you. It's also okay if you are still struggling with that interaction." Remus tried to reassure.

Harry's hands tensed more, and he shook his head slightly.

"Nothing happened. I saw someone on Diagon. I shouldn't have reacted that way. I'm fine now." Harry said, his voice sounding hollow.

Remus shook his head slightly.

"How would you describe your previous interactions with that person?" Remus asked.

Harry's eyes moved around the room uncomfortably and he began shaking ever so slightly. Remus didn't want to push Harry, but he was going to need to face what had happened to him.

Harry took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders back before he met Remus' eyes.

"I would describe them as in the past." Harry answered coldly.

Remus looked down to his lap. Harry was trying to pretend that it wasn't still effecting him. Though it clearly was.

"What about the Dursleys? What would you say about those interactions?" Remus asked quietly.

"Also, in the past. It doesn't need to be discussed." Harry answered immediately.

Remus jaw clenched. He wasn't angry with Harry, but he couldn't say that he wasn't disappointed that things had gotten to this point. Harry was being dismissive of what he'd been forced to live through. He should have seen this coming. Harry had hardly spoken of anything other than school when they'd talked over the summer.

"Very well. I'd like you to know that we intend to talk to the headmaster about Merrick. What he did was wrong. While he isn't part of the Order, Albus should be aware so that further interactions with you or any other student do not occur." Remus explained, looking back at Harry.

Remus could see the fear dancing behind Harry's eyes. He was trying to hide it behind indifference, but it was there all the same. Painfully so.

"Of course." Harry said.

Remus noticed the slightly hoarse quality Harry's voice had now.

"It's okay to be upset about this Harry. I know this is a very private matter. I hope you know that this information isn't being shared to hurt you. We just want to keep you safe." Remus said.

Harry bit his lip harshly and nodded. Remus could see the shaking in his body getting worse and wished he could reach out and comfort his son. Nothing that Harry had shown today indicated that it would be welcome though.

"It's fine, I understand." Harry whispered out.

Remus sighed. He wished Harry would open up a little. Even if it was just to be honest about how he was feeling. Harry had been asked to bury his feelings for so long that he didn't know how to properly process any of it. It would be a painful process if Harry ever allowed it.

"Let's move on." Remus said quietly.

Harry nodded and seemed to be attempting to cram everything down even more. He was going to hurt himself using his occlumency shields like that.

"Harry." Remus called.

Harry's eyes darted up to him.

"You can't use your shields like that. You're going to hurt yourself." Remus said softly, leaning slightly forward.

Harry blinked at him a few times and shook his head.

"I'm fine." Harry said calmly.

Remus was coming to hate that word.

Shaking the frustration from his mind he refocused. He glanced at the clock again and saw that he still had a little time. He wondered if he shouldn't just let things be for now. He wanted to ask Harry about what Albus had said about the Horcruxes.

Pulling his wand from his pocket he cast stronger wards around the room. He had warded this room with Filius for privacy to help students feel more comfortable, but he knew that this information was more important than school drama.

Harry looked at him curiously.

"I spoke to the headmaster the day we returned from our trip. He informed Sirius and I about what You-know-who has done. About him breaking his soul." Remus said quietly.

Harry's face showed genuine fear now. Not that he could blame him. He and Sirius had been ready to flee the country when they'd heard.

"What…um…What did he say?" Harry asked shakily.

Remus took a deep breath.

"He explained what a Horcrux is, that several had been made. He also told us about your involvement." Remus said.

Harry looked visibly panicked.

"Take a breath." Remus said softly.

Harry nodded and sucked in a deep breath.

"I don't know where you found them or how you even knew what they were Harry. I'm torn between being thankful that they were located and destroyed and deeply concerned. Dark magic is insidious." Remus said.

Harry still looked panicked but seemed to be paying attention.

"What…what do you want to know?" Harry whispered.

Remus sighed; he wanted to ask but he was afraid of the answer. He'd avoided directly asking Harry about his suicide attempt. He worried about upsetting him. However, he felt like there was information missing about what had happened leading to that night.

"Harry, did coming in contact with the Horcruxes lead to your suicide attempt?" Remus asked as neutrally as he could.

Harry just stared at him for a long moment. Emotions flashing in his eyes.

"Yes." Harry said, his voice cracking slightly.

Remus took a shaky breath. He felt like pieces were starting to fall into place. If Harry understood that the war was unwinnable with the Horcruxes out there, he could understand why he had tried to kill himself. With Harry's past it wouldn't be surprising if this information had just made him feel like there was no hope.

"I'm sorry Harry." Remus said quietly.

Harry looked away from Remus and blinked a few times before he nodded slightly.

"It's over now though. Albus told me that he and Severus collected the last one. Voldemort's snake is one too, but we don't need to worry about that right now. Okay?" Remus said softly.

Harry brought his hands together in his lap and looked down.

"Okay." Harry whispered.

Remus wasn't sure what else to say to Harry. He knew that he'd pushed him enough for one day. Probably too far.

"Are you going to be all right?" Remus asked worriedly.

Harry nodded but kept his head down.

"I'm fine." Harry said blankly as he rolled his shoulders back.

Remus hated that word. He was hesitant to just send Harry away after talking over these heavy topics, but it was dinner time, and it didn't seem like Harry was likely to talk about much more today. He would try but if Harry wasn't going to talk to him, then they would stop for the day.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" Remus asked.

Harry bit his lip and shook his head.

"No." Harry whispered looking back down at his hands.

"Very well. I think we should both head to dinner." Remus said, standing from his chair.

Harry nodded and also stood.

There was an awkwardness that began to fill the room.

"I better go." Harry mumbled and headed to the door.

Remus wanted to say something, do something. He just couldn't seem to come up with the right words.

"I'm always here if you need me." Remus said quietly.

Harry looked back at him. His blank mask was back in place, but Remus could see the sadness in his eyes.

"Right." Harry whispered before he disappeared out the door.

Remus sighed. He hoped that Harry would come to him. Or any of them to be honest. He couldn't just go back to bottling it all up and pretending none of it had ever happened.

Harry sat numbly at dinner. His mind felt like it was full of angry bees. Part of him wished it was bees. Maybe he'd just drop dead of an allergic reaction, he thought grimly.

His friends were talking around him, but he didn't even feel capable of nodding along. Sirius and Remus knew about the horcruxes, but as suspected Dumbledore had not told them about the Horcrux in Harry's head. He wasn't surprised but he wished that they hadn't been told at all.

When Remus had asked his question Harry had felt like he couldn't breathe. Then he'd realized it was as close to the truth as he was ever going to get. He couldn't tell them more of the truth. He couldn't look at those people who cared about him and tell then he was going to have to die.

He shook the morose thought from his mind.

They were also going to tell the headmaster about Rick.

Harry felt the small amount of dinner trying to come back up in his mouth.

Harry closed his eyes and slipped quickly behind his shields. He crammed away the memories and focused before he opened his eyes. Thinking about it anymore would send him into a spiral. He couldn't start thinking about all that again.

Remus was right, Dumbledore probably needed to know. Harry couldn't stand the thought of someone else getting hurt because the information wasn't shared. He just hoped that it wouldn't be told to many people. He didn't want everyone to know. The thought of it was horrifying. He could feel his cheeks heating. It was embarrassing how weak he'd been. He didn't need to be there hero, but he didn't want to be seen as pathetic or disgusting either.

His stomach lurched and he tried to keep himself from getting sick across the table.

Hermione smiled softly at him from across the table.

"Are you alright?" Hermione asked.

Harry nodded.

"Need an early night tonight. Feel like I'm going to fall asleep in my pudding." Harry lied.

While he was exhausted, he didn't think sleep would be coming soon. He'd really like a dreamless sleep tonight but that would involve talking to one of the adults again and he wasn't doing that.

Hermione nodded and flashed him an understanding smile.

"I'm going to head up." Harry said, grabbing his bag.

"Mr. Potter." Snape called.

Harry turned to see the man striding closer to him. Harry groaned. Today couldn't end fast enough. He was ready to put all of this behind him and start moving forward.

With a sigh Harry followed Snape out of the Great Hall.

Harry wondered if this was going to be about last night. He didn't think he could take another talk right now.

Snape stopped just outside the great hall before turning to Harry. Harry clutched the straps of his bag and looked to Snape pulling his shields up tight.

"Why are you not registered for my class?" Snape asked.

Harry's brows furrowed.

"I didn't get an outstanding on my OWL, Sir." Harry replied calmly.

Snape nodded.

"I take it you did not look at the announcement board in your common room." Snape said.

Harry shook his head. He rarely looked at the board. Hermione had been letting him know for years what he missed.

Snape sighed.

"Given what I saw over the summer I doubt you got less than an E on your OWL. The staff agreed to allow one grade lower for entrance into NEWT level classes. Given the…disruption last year." Snape explained.

Harry nervously rubbed at the scar on the back of his hand and nodded. He did want to take potions. He knew it could be important for the war.

"I've missed a class. Is there work I need to make up?" Harry asked, trying to be practical about the situation.

"Two feet on the use of precious metals in potions, due tomorrow." Snape drawled.

Harry nodded. He hadn't been sleeping anyway. He was sure he could accomplish it.

"Yes, Sir." Harry said quickly.

"Do you have your summer essay? I intend to return them tomorrow." Snape asked.

Harry nodded. Snape had already read his essay. Though he had added a few things to it after reviewing the suggested reading Snape had noted.

Swinging his bag around, he held his hand over the top and summoned his potions paper. He'd found it far more useful to summon items out of an expanded bag then attempt to dig through it. As long as his hand was in the bag no one noticed he was wandlessly summoning.

Harry held out the essay which no longer held the red notes Snape had scrawled on it.

Snape nodded.

"I'll see you in the morning, Mr. Potter." Snape said, taking the paper and sweeping away.

Harry relaxed slightly. He was thankful that Snape hadn't tried to push him into further conversation.

When Harry reached his dorm room Edgar leapt from his bed and climbed onto his shoulder before meowing his head off. Harry knew he didn't like being left alone.

Harry spelled the curtains closed and raised the floating light over his head. Then a second one for Edgar to bat at. He pulled his homework from his bag and set to it. He also laid a second sheet of paper next to his work to take notes on anything that he wanted to look into more.

Clearing his mind of the stress of the day, he focused on what he needed to do. Learn more. Keep people safe. Win the war.