Lost Souls

Father Marcus' sermon still played in my head as the dim lamp next to my bed flickered like a candle in a midnight breeze. We lost mom earlier the previous week and had only just buried her two days earlier. To be honest, she wasn't much help around the house after Sean and Liam died. I missed them as well. Hell, a piece of me died with them in that mine. But for mom it was the final straw. For over two years she lingered, but a shadow fell over her that never let up. Gone was the woman who tried so hard to provide for us all. Gone was the woman who kept this family together despite Dad's drunken rampages. It was a miracle that she still loved the man who gave her so much grief, and yet little by little this cruel world had taken her family and reason for being.

"I'm a failure, Ethan." She used to say when it was just us and Riley. She wasn't to blame; I know that now but if only I had said it more often. Maybe she wouldn't have stopped eating?

Part of me was angry as well. She gave up and left her two remaining kids to fend for themselves. Sure, I guess I'm a man now and have been for some time. But what about Riley? Now she only had me, a brother who had to work six days a week. My little sister is only ten. She could be by herself for a little while, but what if the wrong person notices that she's alone in this house for half the day?

Riley stirred next to me and I adjusted her blanket so that she'd stay warm. The poor girl didn't want to be alone for even a moment now that mom was gone. "I don't want to be in that room anymore." She told me just this evening. I had one room and she shared the other with our mother. Now that her bed was empty, I could only imagine how depressing and isolating it would feel to still sleep in that dark hole in the back of the house. Something was going to have to change quickly before I lost her too.

But I also needed to talk to somebody. Heck, I've needed to do that now for a while, but lately it has getting to be too much. A name popped into my head; one I hadn't checked in on for several weeks now. Derrick's old lover, Roselyn. Their relationship was quite taboo back when he and I got sent off to war, but they had fallen in love like no one else I had seen. They'd dance, they'd kiss, and together their love glowed with such intensity that I swear it was as if they could illuminate the darkest mineshaft in this damn town. Derrick's parents didn't approve though and for one simple reason. Roselyn was a savage. An Indian and an unwelcome outcast in this western mining town. Why she came here despite all the hostility she received confounds me to this day. After I came home without Derrick, I thought she might go back to her own people east of the mountains, but instead she took the only job she could get, a prostitute for filthy miners who hadn't seen their wives in months.

I often made my way to that brothel, but not for the reason my friends at the mine thought. I made sure she was taking care of herself as best as she could. Right now she was one of the few people who actually understood my pain and was willing to listen. Yes, I must see Roselyn now. I need that willing ear more than ever. Realizing that I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, I slipped myself out of the bed and then made sure Riley was bundled up tight so she wouldn't miss my body heat. The bed would stay warm without me for a couple of hours, and that was all the time I needed.

In the main room at the front of this run-down shack, I checked the clock on the wall. It was 11 o'clock. I'd need to be working again in about 9 hours. Writing a note and putting it next to the lamp in case Riley woke up, I put on my father's old jacket and my campaign hat then locked the door behind me. At least no uninvited guests would be able to get in in my absence… assuming they were too drunk or stupid to break a window. After walking to the end of the block, I hid in the shadows and watched for several minutes, making sure no one would try anything. If anything happened to Riley, I was determined to throw myself in the nearest mineshaft and end it. Luckily, no one appeared to try their luck against a man in such dire straits. Feeling confident my little sister was safe for the time being, I headed into town.

Two loud knocks on the steel door summoned the bouncer who opened the window. His eyes looked down at me as I tipped my hat back far enough to reveal my face. I could tell he smiled behind that door when he recognized me. "Ah, Ethan, back again for a taste of the chiefess?"

"You know she hates that title, Lyle." I replied. "But yes, I'm here for Rosie."

"Come on in." He said, unbolting the door. I stepped down into the brothel, still disgusted with what I saw. Drunken miners with less respect than manners, desperate women scratching out a living on this "richest hill on Earth." Sure, the fat cats were getting fatter every year off our work, but the rest of us toiled away in hell itself. Despite my feelings about the establishment, I could at least understand the wherefore and the why behind this place.

An older cat serving drinks waved me over. I smiled and removed my hat. "Ruth! Is Roselyn… on duty?"

"She just got done with a client, hon." Ruth explained. "She's in her usual quarters cleaning up."

"Thanks." I said, taking a drink off her platter and handing her a dollar. "Keep the change."

Adjusting her makeup, Roselyn looked at herself in the mirror with anger and shame. She tried so hard to be something other than this, and yet a prostitute was all she could be according to society. In the corner of her mirror hung a picture of the soldier boy she fell in love with who's death was still felt to this day. She had few friends outside this brothel, but one now knocked on her open door. Spinning her head around, Rosie's face shone in a brilliant smile. "Ethan!"

"Hi, Rosie." I said, sitting down. "Busy night?"

Her smile disappeared as the reality of her night came crashing back down. "Same as always."

I tried to lift up her spirits. "You know, despite all this I know Derrick would still love you."

"You think so?"

"I knew him since we were five years old. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'd say you're as beautiful as the day you two first met."

Rosie's cheeks burned red. "Oh, don't make me blush Ethan. It gives the boys more confidence than they have any right to possess."

"Sorry… I just hate to see you not smiling." I said.

"So, you're here awfully late." She observed. "You left Riley alone?"

"I had to talk to someone Rosie."

"Well talk, I got nothing but time." She said, giving me her full attention. "What happened."

"My mother. She's… oh God, Rosie."

"Ethan, you can tell me. What happened?" She asked with sincere concern growing on her face.

"Rosie, mom died last week. We buried her a couple days ago."

I could tell she felt that pain. She too lost a mother. "I'm so sorry, Ethan. You should have come sooner."

"There was a lot to do." I said, making up an excuse.

Rosie got up and closed the door, locking it before taking my hand and urging me to stand up. "We shouldn't leave your sister alone, let's go to your home." She said.

"What if someone requests you?"

"Oh please, they know what a locked door means. We'll take the fire escape."

A while later we were back at my house. In hushed voices, we talked on the couch in the living room. Rosie listened closely as I switched between crying and worry. "I just don't know what to do next." I concluded.

Looking around the house and the ratty interior, she had only one answer for me. "Ethan, I think you need to leave Butte."

"Leave? Where would I go?" I said.

She smiled at me as if that wasn't even a problem in the slightest. "You know that dream you and your brothers had when we were kids?"

"Yeah, to go off and be a farmer. But I barely have a dollar to my name."

"True, but that dream kept you going for years. What happened to that boy who was so eager to find a better life for himself and his family?"

"He died a couple years ago when I found my brothers dead at the bottom of a mine shaft." I said.

"Revive him." She said, holding my hands. "Think about it tonight. You'll have the answer in the morning."

"I guess I owe it to Riley to try." I said, allowing myself to collapse into her lap. She rubbed my ears to soothe me. We sat for a while in the dim light of the table lamp next to the sofa before she spoke again once more, almost as a whisper.

"You know, it's been years since I've spent the night with a man I actually respect." She said close to my ear.

In a moment of weakness, I almost gave in. It had been a long while since I had been with a woman. So long I couldn't remember when. "Are you sure?" I said, hesitating. "Don't get me wrong, Rosie, I love you more than most of my friends. But you and I have never…"

She stopped me right there and allowed me to sit up before she stood and kissed me on the forehead. "It's alright, it would be a stupid idea anyway." She said, grabbing her coat. "Mine walking me back to the brothel?"

"Uh… sure." I said, standing up as well. But just as we were about to leave the house, the last barrier I had finally crumbled. I needed some sort of distraction from all this pain, and Rosie was offering me something few men would ever turn down. I stopped at the threshold and grabbed her hand, pulling her in close.

"Rosie, I don't want to do this if its because you pity me."

Roselyn laid her head on my chest. "Ethan, I'm lonely too." She said. That was all I needed to hear. This wasn't a prostitute doing her job, it was a close friend who needed this as much as me.

"Riley is in my bed, but if we're quiet, we can use the other bedroom." I said.

Warrior's Son

My lip quivered at the realization. "I… I have a son…"

"Yes, Ethan, you do." She said with a weak smile on her lips. The years and illness caused Rose to wilt, yet at that moment she was as bright as she used to be.

"But I thought that you… you know, had ways of preventing this?"

"It didn't work that time." She said, shrugging her shoulders. "It was outside my routine. I didn't have anything in there to stop it at the time."

"Oh shit…" I said, realizing the full extent of the consequences of that one night. "And then I left a few weeks later…"

"You didn't know, Ethan. Don't blame yourself. I didn't know either at first. Ruth was the one who figured it out." Rose said. "But I'm glad you came back because I have a big favor to ask."

I guessed what she was going to say next. "Rose, I can't just take your kid from you. He doesn't know me."

"Oh, he knows plenty. I haven't told him his Dad's name, but William knows he's the son of a great warrior just like my grandfather envisioned when I was a child."

"Rosie, I'm the furthest thing from a great warrior. You have no idea what I've had to do…"

"Well, regardless, it was fate." She explained. "I thought Derrick might be the warrior my grandfather saw, but it turns out that was you."

"Leaving aside the supernatural," I explained, pushing away the beliefs of a man I had never met, "I'm married with a kid already. I don't have a clue how Bella will react if I show up with a kid I didn't know about in tow."

"We did conceive him before you moved, so it's not as if you were unfaithful."

"Sure, but…"

"Ethan, please." She said, holding my hand like she did so long ago. "William needs his father now. I got to enjoy him for seven great years, but my time is coming to an end."

"Come with me, then. I know people, we can put you up someplace where you'll be comfortable and William will have his mother for a while longer."

"I considered it… but I can't leave, Ethan. Even if the journey doesn't kill me right away, I don't want to die in a foreign land."

"What's foreign about St. Louis?"

"My people don't live there. I want to be buried here in Montana where a thousand generations of my people are sleeping." She explained. "Besides, if your wife is less than pleased at finding out you have a son you didn't know about, I can't imagine she would be happy if you brought a worn-out whore with you."

"You are the furthest thing from a whore." I insisted. "You're my friend and that boy's mother."

"And as William's mother, I've had to think long and hard about what's best for him. I've done the best I could for him, but soon I'm going to be gone. It doesn't matter if its here or in St. Louis. He needs someone to love him and care for him, and I don't trust anyone else with my son except you."

"Me? But why? Surely some of the ladies—"

"Ethan, you're a good man. I know you can raise a child. And besides, William can't stay here. If I left the boy to fend for himself in this rotten town then what would his prospects be? You know exactly why he'd never make it here."

"…he's half breed." I said, admitting that I knew all to well what she meant. If Roselyn couldn't make herself into anything more than a prostitute in Butte, then William wouldn't fare much better. No one wanted to hire an Indian out here. A Crow maybe, but certainly not a Blackfeet.

"What about your family. Wouldn't he—"

"I'm afraid William wouldn't be accepted back on the reservation either. I haven't seen my grandparents since I was a teenager and when we left. Even if they are still alive, my cousins don't know me very well. He'd be a stranger to them."

"I don't know, Rosie." I admitted. "It's not like he's going to be that much better off in St. Louis."

"He'll have his father with him. You can teach him things I never could. Or do you really think so little of yourself?"

I wanted to respond, but Rosie started coughing violently. I eased her back into her bed, pulling the covers over her as she recovered. "I need to rest for a while. Please, Ethan, at least think about it."

"I'll think long and hard." I promised. "Rest, I won't be far away."

"Oh my God." I said to myself as I closed the door to her room. "I have a son."

And speaking of my son, I stumbled on him in the next room over as he enjoyed a sandwich while reading a children's book on the rug. I stopped in the doorway and studied him for a few moments. He really did look like Sean. His fur was a deep auburn with only the hint of shadowy stripes on his head and neck. I assumed they continued all the way down his backside until remerging again on his tail. The dead giveaway that he was mine were his green eyes. He had inherited his mother's hair as well. It was a similar color to his fur, but it was long and straight. He was indeed half Blackfeet.

Just then the boy noticed me and sat up on the carpet. We looked at each other for a couple of seconds, his curious eyes meeting mine as they observed him.

"Is mom still awake?" He asked.

"Um… no. She needs to rest for a bit. Sorry I tired her out." I said while I stepped into the room. "So, you're William?"

"Uh huh." He said, standing up and walking to where I stood. He wasn't much taller than my waist, but he stuck his hand out for me to shake. "Mom said you are a friend."

"Yes…" I replied, shaking his small hand. I gently held his hand in my closed palm. "I see she taught you some manners."

"Mom said she wants me to grow up to be a good man." He said. "I don't really know what she means though."

"It starts with a solid handshake." I said, smiling at him. "I'm an old friend of your mother who came by to see how she was doing."

"She's sick." He said nonchalantly, like he was numb or unaware of the situation he was in. "She said she won't be here for long."

It broke my heart to hear him say that. He was clearly trying to block the thought out by minimizing it. I sat on the floor so that my eyes were level with his and took both of his hands into one of mine.

"I'm so sorry, kid. I wish I had known sooner. If I had stayed a little longer, I would have been there."

He clearly didn't understand though and immediately changed the subject. "Hey, do you want to know what I'm reading?"

"Of course I do." I said, gesturing to the book. "Come sit next to me."

He did as I asked and we were soon both sitting on the rug, my son leaning next to me as he opened up the book. It was Peter Rabbit.

"Is this one of your favorites?" I asked.

He nodded his head and looked up at me, smiling and revealing a missing tooth in front of his upper fang. His baby teeth were falling out. "Peter Rabbit gets into so much trouble!"

"You know, it's one of my brother's favorite books." I said. "I'm sure he'd love to read it to you."

"I can read really good though!" He proudly declared. "Aunt Ruth teached me!"

"She did, huh? Could you show me? I don't read so good." I said softly.

An hour and two books later, I took the boy by the hand and led him back into his mother's room where Rosie was up again and reading. The afternoon was giving way to evening and soon the brothel would be bustling with the worst of the city. William crawled into the bed to sit with his mother while she looked at me with a hopeful face.

"Well, did you think about it?" She asked.

I took a deep breath; I had a duty to fulfill and one way or another I would just have to make it work. "Yes, Roselyn. He'll be safe with me."

"Safe?" He asked. Rosie stroked the boy's hair. "There's something you need to know, Will. Mr. Kelly isn't just a good friend of mine. He's your father."

His expression changed with a mix of emotions then, and as I had feared not all of those emotions were positive.

"He's, my dad?" Will asked.

"Yes, Will. You're my son. That's why I'm sorry I didn't know sooner. But there's not much your mother or I can do about that now. We both think it's best if you come back East with me."

"But why? I don't want to go!" He said, getting upset.

"I know you don't, but Mr. Kelly is right." Rosie said, trying to calm him. "You know how I said I won't be around much longer?"

"Yeah…"

"That means I won't be able to take care of you. But your father will look after you."

"I want to stay with you!" He said, hugging her tight.

"And I'd love nothing more than to have you here with me, son. But that's not in the cards."

I stood up and put my hat on. "I'll get tickets for the night train to Ogden." I said. "Expect me back in a couple of hours."

Butte Special

As expected, in two hours I was ready to go. The extra fare meant I'd be low on money but it was better than getting stuck in this god-awful town. It was funny, I hated a lot about Butte and yet there was still some irrational pride in having come from here. I was prouder openly than privately, as Bella could attest to. Even so, the fact of the matter is that for several years I helped to move an entire mountain. The copper I hauled up from the depths of Hell was being used all across the planet. It was like leaving a fingerprint on the other side of the world. Anytime someone turned on a light bulb or rode on an electric railway, it was thanks in part to the men who mined this granite mountain and I was among those ranks.

One thing I couldn't take much pride in was my service in Europe. Roselyn thought I was a great warrior, yet I couldn't imagine why. Looking back, I was a killer then. Two years of honest work at least gave me some space from a violent and turbulent time in my twenties. Now I had to be a family man for my daughter and my son.

"Alright, train leaves in an hour." I said as I stood over Roselyn and William.

"I don't want to leave." William pleaded, but she rubbed the tears away from his eyes.

"I know you don't, and I'd love for you to stay. But you have to go with your father. One day you'll see why."

"But—"

"Shhh. Here, I want you to have this." She said, pulling out a thick notebook.

"What's that?" I asked as she let Will look at it before handing it to me.

"Keep it safe, Ethan. It's all he'll have of me soon." She said.

I looked the book over and realized that it was her personal diary. I immediately packed it safely in my bag. "I'll make sure he gets to read every word."

"And I want you to have this as well, my son." She said, removing a hand made necklace with an interesting centerpiece. Hanging above her breast was a long claw from a grizzly bear. The mountain king.

"My father made this for me when he killed a bear to keep me and mom safe. I want you to have it and carry it with you so you'll remember who you are and the people you come from." Roselyn explained as she tied the necklace around her young boy's neck.

"You should come with, Rosie." I urged her one last time, but she refused.

"I can't, Ethan. I belong to this country forever. But give our son a better life than I had. Please."

I crouched down and took her hand in mine one last time. "You have my word."

"Thank you, Ethan. Really."

"Hey, he's my kid too. I only wish I knew sooner." I said, standing up and offering my hand to Will.

"Say goodbye, William. I know it's hard, but we have to make the train."

The boy shook his head and recoiled from my hand.

"Honey, you must." Roselyn urged, kissing him on the forehead.

"But—"

"No buts, go with him." She finally ordered. "And remember, I love you so much."

At last, he finally reached out for my hand and I helped him off the bed gently, setting him down on his feet where he could carry his own bag. There were tears in his eyes and I couldn't blame him in the slightest. At seven years old his life had already been marked by a deep tragedy that I could never fully help him heal from. But such is life, and no son of mine was going to remain ignorant of the world forever. Despite his sorrow, I still smiled at him and tried to reassure the boy.

"It'll be okay, William. You'll see."

"Bye, mom. I love you." He finally waved back at Rose who blew him a kiss before going back to resting like she had been for most of the day.

"You boys are taking off before I could get a chance to say goodbye to the little man myself!" Ruth said, feigning offense.

"We'd never." I said, letting Ruth see the boy she had helped to raise with Roselyn.

"Ethan knows how to get in touch with us, so make sure to write your mother and I, okay?"

Willian nodded his head, hugging Ruth who picked him up and rocked him for several seconds.

"We love you here, and it's because of that love that we want you to go with your father. Trust me on this, Will, your father is a good cat." She said, winking at me. Setting the boy down, I pulled out a letter and handed it to her.

"Ethan, you're supposed to write when you two get back to St. Louis."

"That's a set of instructions, Ruth, so don't lose it."

"Instructions for what?"

"When the time comes, give that to Father Marcus. Don't tell him about Roselyn's occupation but make it clear that she was a part of my family. There are two more plots available next to my brothers. Have the undertaker send me the bill, I'll take care of it all."

"Oh Ethan…"

"And don't tell Rose. She'd probably want to be buried in Browning, but I'd rather she be with my family than in some unmarked pauper's grave beyond the creek."

"I understand, Ethan. Good luck."

"And you take care of yourself and Rosie." I said, hugging her. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer."

"No, you belong with your family and not here in some brothel halfway across the continent. Send her some pictures if you can."

"I will. Okay, kid, time to get moving." I said, sticking my hand out once more. This time William took it and held on.

Two long blasts from the whistle were followed by the telltale tug of the engine as the slack went out of all the cars. The lights of Butte quickly faded behind us as the big engine turned south. By dawn we would be in Ogden, and then it would be over the mountains into Denver. After that it was a straight shot across Kansas. In two days' time I would be home with my family. My whole family. My mind still played a lot of scenarios though about how I would have to explain all this to Bella and the others. To be honest, I had never considered before how everyone else thought about Blackfeet Indians. Heck, Rocky might be the only one in the bunch who had even heard of them. For the moment though I'd just have to refrain from advertising that little tidbit of information. The necklace was an obvious clue, but I didn't dare remove it. That and the journal were the only things he had from his mother now. Well… almost.

William sniffled as he looked out the window next to me. I could tell he was looking up at the stars. Was it the first time he had seen such a night sky?

"You ever see so many stars before?" I asked.

He didn't turn to look at me but still responded. "No."

"Well, get a good look in. I'll take you out sometime to the Ozarks. You'll get to see the Milky Way galaxy."

"Galaxy? Why is it made of milk?"

I smiled and laughed a little at the question. At least he was curious. That was good, it meant he was smart like Riley.

"It's just the name. A galaxy is a big bunch of stars. Each of them is like the sun but just very far away. At least that's what Rocky told me."

Will finally looked at me, rubbing his nose on the back of his hand. "Here" I said, pulling out a cloth and letting him use it instead.

"Where's St. Louis?" He asked. I pulled out the pocket railroad map and let him look it over while I pointed at the big dot to the east.

"It's a big city that's a lot bigger than Butte. You've never seen so many people before in your life. But St. Louis is over here." I said, tapping my finger over the spot noted on the map. "It's in the state of Missouri."

"Isn't Missouri a river?"

"It is, and the Missouri joins the Mississippi at St. Louis. You could canoe from Three Forks all the way to St. Louis in a few weeks."

The boy yawned, signaling to me that it was bed time. I dimmed the overhead light and pulled off my jacket for him to use as a blanket. We were the only ones in our compartment which meant I'd be able to sleep on the floor. Covering him up, I got down on the floor between the seats and dug out a photograph I had been carrying with me for the last two years.

"This here is my… I mean, our family. That's Uncle Rocky with your cousin, Joseph. He adopted him a few years ago. And over here are Aunt Ivy and Uncle Calvin. We call him Freckle. They've got a couple of kids younger than you."

"Who's that?" He asked with sleepy eyes.

I looked down at the face of my love. "That's my wife, Isabella. And your aunt Riley is next to her. Between us is your sister, Emily. She's a little younger than you."

"That's a big family." He said and I agreed.

"Yeah, it is." I said, looking the photograph over with my own eyes for the thousandth time. "But they'll all love you." That I was a little less sure about.

"I want mom." He said, disregarding the point I was trying to make. I took his face into my hands and gently kissed his forehead.

"I wish she could come with too, son. But she knows what's best and you have to trust her. I'm you're father, William. I hope that in time you will trust me too. But until then, just know that I love you. Now, go ahead and sleep. I'll be right here all night."