Makoto has a revelation.

"Representing the Tower, Saul of Tarsus was a Pharisee who participated in the persecution of early disciples of Jesus. As he traveled on the road to Damascus in search of Christians to drag to execution, he was blinded by a light brighter than the sun at midday, and a vision of the risen Christ directly addressed his persecutory acts. Three days later, Saul's blindness was cured by Ananias of Damascus. After being baptized, he went on several missionary journeys to spread The Message."

Content Warning: Implied suicide attempt.

[6 Years and 7 Months Ago]

After she left Akechi and the Seaside Park behind her, Makoto took some time to contemplate his answer to her question.

'What other choice is there, but to keep going?'

There is no escaping the nightmares now that she has set the bottles aside. The other day, she saw Tomoe's little brothers in the Aoyama-Itchome Station.

Through the pain and hatred in the eyes of little children, Makoto saw what she was.

Closing her eyes to shake off that mental image, Makoto entered her empty and silent apartment, quietly closing the door behind her.

[The Present Day]

Ren asked her to meet in person that evening.

At first, she felt a little irritated as soon as she heard his voice. Sis - because it could only have been her to do this - gave Ren her number without her permission. But then, as she contemplated the situation, Makoto resolved to take the opportunity to talk to him.

Sometimes, festered old wounds needed to be torn open anew so they could be cleaned, and then allowed to properly close themselves and heal for good.

Cashing in another favor with Akechi, she left him to supervise a happy and eager Aki-kun, who swiftly dragged him to watch yet another episode of classic Feathermen. Makoto decided to forego taking her Motorcycle and opted to walk with Agnes, since their meeting spot would be a park near her home.

She used that time during the walk to mentally prepare herself for their encounter, and the heavy conversation that would happen. She knew it was coming, and that it was inevitable.

Honestly, it was long overdue.

Even if, at the end of the day, she and Ren were not meant to be together, Makoto had to find some closure, while also giving him some.

She was tired of running.

"Hey." He said in greeting as soon as he spotted her. She approached him and saw that he sported a small, shy smile on his lips.

He looked so handsome. Her stupid heart never gave her a break.

"Hey yourself." She said with a small smile curling on the corners of her mouth.

Ren, who was a little flustered, ran a hand through his fluffy hair and motioned for her to sit on the bench beside him. She did it. He petted and greeted Agnes, whose tail wagged happily. Her dog always acted like a silly girl whenever she was next to handsome boys.

"She is gorgeous. I saw her the other day when Takkun was walking her. Aki-kun told me he grew up with her?"

Her smile widened. "He did. She was very young when he was born, but they're practically inseparable."

"That's so cute." He said, his eyes never leaving Agnes as he petted her.

Makoto waited patiently, channeling some of that Miss Hanna energy she had acquired in recent years.

They had all the time in the world.

"So." Ren started after a long while. "You must be wondering why I called you out here…"

She bit her lip trying not to chuckle at his cute awkwardness. Where was the confident, suave, and charming Ren now?

"Not really." She joked.

He stared at her, his mouth gaping, and she maintained her poker face.

"You know, you need to max out your charm if you want to re-establish our rapport, hm?" She quipped after she was done watching him squirm a little.

Ren groaned. "I don't think I have any new opportunities to upgrade my charm. You'll have to deal with rusty, geezer Ren now."

Makoto let out a chuckle, evolving it into a peal of full-blown laughter as soon as she saw him glare at her. Eventually, his face cracked and he joined her in her mirth.

It felt good to laugh together like this. It had been a while.

After they calmed down, and the tension was released, Makoto let herself relax as she combed her hand through Agnes's fluffy fur, grounding herself in the present, and enjoying the brisk breeze of the evening. Beside her, Ren's gaze was pensive.

He sighed. "The last few days haven't been easy on me. I have been wondering where I have gone wrong in my life in the past years, and I realize now, it was always in the little things, rather than the big moments."

"That makes sense." She said in response. "You know the saying: The devil is in the details. Even the simplest things can lead to massive complications eventually."

"Like what happened between us." He said seriously.

"Yeah." She answered simply.

He removed his glasses and then his gaze was firmly on her. "The divorce thing is just the tip of the iceberg, I feel. Whatever is wrong with me, goes much deeper… I just feel like I have been living a lie for years now, while also being completely clueless and ignorant of others around me…"

Makoto closed her eyes.

"Makoto. What happened to you?" He asked her softly.

"...What didn't happen to me is a better question." She said, almost sarcastically. "But this is such a broad question, too…"

"Then…. Why don't we start from the beginning?" He pleaded.

"Which one? There are many. Sometimes it feels like every day is a new beginning for me." She told him, her tone this time hard and defensive.

She didn't mean for it to sound this way, but she was going to enter a territory she knew she would come out of completely shattered again, by the end.

She was stalling. And Ren knew it too.

"Makoto… Please, don't do this. Let's just talk. Really talk. I'm not your enemy. I'm not here to antagonize you, I'm here because I care about you."

Did he?

He did things to her heart, body, and soul, then left her.

He always left her.

"Okay." She opted to say, not willing to dive into the rabbit hole of their awful romantic tension. It wouldn't be right or fair to approach that angle when they barely even talked about what mattered yet.

He relaxed. "Thank you."

She nodded, but remained quiet, until a sigh left her lips, signaling that it was time to open up.

"Alright. I don't know where to even start, so I guess I'll go first to the one thing that made my life almost shatter for good." She said, hollowly. "Remember Tomoe?"

"...Yes." He replied hesitantly.

"He's dead."

She saw Ren visibly swallow, squirming uncomfortably, but unsurprised.

"You knew." She stated unceremoniously as she registered his reaction.

Ren sighed. "Only that he had passed away. Nothing more. It was something that Futaba let slip after I casually asked whatever happened to him since we never heard of the guy again."

"Did she tell you anything else?" She asked seriously.

"No."

Her eyes studied his face for some form or manner of dishonesty. She didn't find anything.

"Alright." She said eventually, believing him.

Makoto looked down, the honest, simple eyes of her dog meeting hers. She let her girl ground her in reality, as the dog immediately sensed her incoming distress, and swiftly put her head on her lap. The brunette started petting her.

"I killed Tomoe in self-defense." She blurted out, feeling empty inside.

Ren's eyes widened in utter shock. His mouth opened as if he was about to say something, but nothing came out.

Both of them stared ahead in silence.

"How did it happen?" He asked a few seconds later, voice full of empathy, instead of the disgust and disappointment she had expected from him.

A wave of powerful, earth-shattering relief hit her full force, but Makoto caught herself to not drown in it. "H-he was the mole within the police, a crook. A senior police officer and I followed him at a distance and ended up being ambushed. It was a miserable situation, and the crime gang left Tomoe behind in their hideout to watch over us, likely as a test to see what he would do if left to his own devices."

Ren tentatively reached out for her hand, and she let him. He squeezed it.

Makoto continued. "He looked to be on the verge of having a mental breakdown from the stress of the situation alone. He was doing it for money, to help his mother and two brothers. I tried to appeal to our relationship. It almost worked. Almost. He looked like he regretted it, but kept saying that there was no way out. I tried to lure him into a false sense of security… But, you know me."

"...You would never let this slide after everything was said and done. You'd never join him in his corruption." Ren said, hitting the jackpot.

Makoto swallowed dryly. "Never. My father died fighting crime. I was willing to do the same, and never compromise my morals. But… Heh, real life is not like the metaverse. Violence can be permanent. Wounds take time to heal, and a single bullet could kill if you know where to aim."

Ren closed his eyes and looked away. Makoto still had much to get off her chest, though.

"I thought I was ready to die for my ideals, my dreams of reforming society, of serving and protecting. But at that moment? Tomoe and I were just two feral beasts, fighting for survival. He was going to kill Kazuya… and he was going to kill me."

"I'm so sorry, Makoto." Ren told her, his voice sympathetic, pained.

She teared up a little. "Kazuya had a little son. I grew up without my mom, and then lost my dad to his work, you know? Half of us grew up without one or both parents. If Kazuya died there, that boy would be just like me, like us too. And I wanted to live. So bad. For you guys. And for myself too. So I fought until that gun was in my hands, and I ended up killing him."

Ren squeezed her hand tighter.

"Hey, come here." He said gently, kindly, lovingly.

And at his tone of voice and the compassion she heard in it, Makoto broke down again, surrendering herself to his arms, his warmth, as he hugged her to his chest.

Ren rocked her in his arms for a while.

What could he even say to all of that? He hated that he was right about Tomoe, especially because he didn't expect him to be an actual bad guy. At the time, it was just his stupid jealousy talking.

"I'm so sorry you went through this…" He said while she sobbed in his arms. "I cannot even begin to fathom how much you must have suffered over this. I'm sorry."

She sobbed a little harder, so he resolved to stop talking and just hold her, offering comfort and strength. He couldn't tell for how long they stayed in each other's arms until she gently untangled herself from him.

"Thank you." She said sincerely, vulnerability still coloring her voice.

He gave her a small, comforting smile. "Anytime."

Makoto took some time to compose herself again, and he knew she was ready to resume talking as soon as she gave him a firm look.

"After that, my life truly started spiraling. I lost my job so the department could save face for Tomoe's corruption." She said with a sigh. "But honestly, that was the best outcome I could get."

Ren's jaw was set upon hearing the treatment she received from her superiors, his old disdain for the police institution coming back, in full force.

Seeing the look on his face, Makoto gently touched his arm and shook her head. "Ask sis if you're curious about the nitty-gritty details of the administrative investigation. I have a hunch Sae had to dirty her hands again to get me out of the hole I jumped into. She and I had different opinions on the subject, but she forced me to do whatever she said to do. I was angry with her at the time, but now, I'm glad for her actions. I wouldn't be here today if not for her decisions."

"I'm glad too." He said sincerely.

Makoto gave him a small sad smile, then stared ahead for a time, as if she was focusing on invisible images flashing before her eyes that only she could see.

"I developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression, but ignored all the symptoms and chose to not seek help. Unless you count the damn bottles, that is. That was when my life truly, unequivocally, turned into utter shit." She said with a bit of self-deprecation in her tone.

In response, he merely clutched her hand on his. It felt warm and real.

"You know, a drink or two sometimes helps to take the edge off. That was how it started. And it is one hell of a good time. You have no idea how much I miss the adventures and the promises of a crazy time that only alcohol could bring, sometimes." She said with honesty.

"I can imagine. I remember you used to be a mixologist in your spare time."

Makoto had a bittersweet smile on her face. "Yeah. It was fun, simple, and balanced. But what once used to be a nice thing to let go of my rigidness, soon spiraled out of control, and I became a slave to drinking. That is when it stops being fun and starts being terrifying, as you become this walking hazard to yourself and others. I was a burden, Ren. A problem."

Her face was the epitome of shame. He had a feeling this was some of the lowest moments she had ever had in her life. He could see it since Makoto used to be stern, diligent, and also the most well-adjusted person in their group.

That was also probably a contributing factor for her to spiral down so hard and fast, as a matter of fact. The order in her life, the institutions she used to cling to, had failed her again.

She continued. "I would get so drunk out of my own mind, that sometimes I'd pass out in the streets. This is how I stumbled upon Akechi again, by the way. He started to subtly help to keep me safe when Eiko, Lala-chan, Ohya, and the bar owners couldn't keep a leash on me. I started to subconsciously seek out his place as a safe haven whenever I was drinking on my own."

At first, Ren almost wanted to feel jealous again at her mentioning Akechi with such gratitude in her voice, but then, he immediately felt ashamed of himself for this subtle reaction.

This isn't about him.

"That must have been hard for you… I had no idea." He opted to say.

"Yes, it was. And, it was even more awful because my dad was an alcoholic too. He couldn't cope with my mother's death too well and used to drink and disappear from time to time. There is a reason why Sae was so bitter and angry at the time, even if she was wrong to take it out on me after he passed out."

He saw her free hand tighten on her dog's vest a little, and the clever thing swiftly gave her a paw for her to touch. She did so while having a pained look on her face.

"But in the end… By trying to run away from the shadow he cast upon me, I just ended up becoming exactly like he was: The idealist police officer who just turned into a drunkard and disappointed those they loved time and again because they couldn't cope with their pain." She whispered.

It hurt him to hear her say that, but he felt like she needed to externalize it, so he kept quiet. Makoto, as if seeming to understand his wordless gesture, squeezed his hand tighter in response.

"However…That wasn't even the worst of it." She spoke, her voice taking an even darker turn.

[6 Years and 7 Months Ago]

"Niijima. Please open the door." The cold, calm voice of Akechi could be heard from the other side. "Let's talk."

Dammit. Did he follow her all the way from the park?

"No. Get out of my house!" She spoke hoarsely.

Makoto wasn't going to stop. She wasn't.

"Makoto, if you don't open this door. I'm going to break it down." He threatened.

"GET OUT!" She shrieked out, her voice hysterical.

Silence. Then, Akechi started to beat down on the door, trying to open it by force.

Her hands trembled, and Makoto closed her eyes.

She was going to do it. It was now or never.

She had to do it, she had to do it, she was gonna do it.

Akechi was getting close. Loud, desperate banging sounds could be heard from her bedroom door.

…

…

…

She stopped herself.

She couldn't do it.

Makoto sank to her knees.

She wanted to live.

She was startled out of her spiraling thoughts by the sound of the door finally giving in, and Akechi barging into her room, his face pale and his eyes wide with a sense of desperation that matched hers.

"Niijima!"

He tackled her in a restraining embrace of all things. His gaze was vicious, and yet, she could almost swear there was some raw emotion in his normally cold eyes. She remembered what happened to his mother, and paled.

"What the fuck were you thinking!?" He shouted in her face, a mix of anger, worry, and desperation.

"I couldn't do it." She whispered. "I can't do it… I want to see my niece grow up. I don't want to miss out. I'm sorry."

She wanted to see Yukino grow up into a beautiful, smart young woman. She wanted to see Sae smile and laugh more.

She averted her gaze.

Akechi was furious. "Look at me, Niijima."

She looked into his eyes.

"Why?" He asked.

"My p-police partner and boyfriend. He betrayed us. I k-killed him so I could live and s-save myself and a-another comrade."

"You did the right thing." Akechi told her unceremoniously.

Makoto started to despair. "I didn't mean to do it!"

"You did what you had to survive."

She shook her head furiously as she started crying. "His family. He took care of his t-two young brothers and m-mother, now they're all alone. I came upon the boys b-by accident a few days ago…T-they stared at me with so much hatred."

Akechi was unwavering. "He made his choice."

"I don't know what to d-do A-Akechi-kun…"

His eyes pierced her very soul. "Listen. You cannot bring him back, just as I cannot bring Isshiki or Okumura back. My hands and my soul are stained beyond recovery, much more than yours. But if I can keep going after all these things I have done, then so can you."

"I don't know how." She bawled out. "I don't know how to keep going."

"You do. It's one day after the other. I'm still here despite it all. Don't give the fuck up now, Niijima. Fight." He told her firmly.

She clutched onto him for dear life. They stayed like that for what felt like ages.

[The Present Day]

Makoto had barely finished her tale when Ren swiftly crushed her in a hug.

"You… Makoto, why would you…!" He choked out, his voice breaking. He couldn't even finish his sentence.

He almost lost her, he-

"Ren." She interrupted his train of thought softly, creating some distance and cupping his cheeks with her hands. "Trust me. This isn't easy for me to talk about. But I'm okay now. I'm safe. I'm here, with you."

In response, he just held her tighter against him, as if afraid she'd disappear.

He could never fathom Makoto going through that.

It terrorized him to think that, if things had gone even slightly wrong, then they wouldn't be here, at this moment. He held her for as long as she allowed him to, until she gently extricated herself from his arms.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me." He said, teary-eyed. "Maybe if I was there, then-"

"Ren, no. Please, don't do this. Not now. Not because of this." She begged him, her voice full of pain. "You can't solve everyone's problems. I won't lie and say I didn't wish you were there. But you weren't, and part of that was my own doing. What is done, is done. And I'm here now, living my life to the best I can. I have so much to live for. That is what l gives me the strength that I need to get out of bed everyday, even on days I don't want to."

Her voice was full of conviction and determination. A part of him, the vulnerable and scared one, was still reeling from the terrifying revelation, but another, his rational side, told him Makoto was strong enough. That she overcame the height of her pain.

Thinking that he needed to fix her is simply doing her a disservice. This was his worst mistake with Sumire.

"I'm sorry. You're right. And… And I'm glad you're here. You matter to me. So much." He told her with brutal honesty.

She cupped his cheek once more. "I know. Thank you. You matter to me too."

He pressed his forehead close to hers and closed his eyes.

They stayed like that for a long period of time. No words were needed as he just let himself bask in her presence, and she seemed to do the same with him.

Together, they just existed.

"Makoto…" He started again several minutes later, his voice heavy with painful, charged emotions. "I know this might not be a good time, given all that we just discussed, but…"

Makoto had a resigned look on her face. "Go on."

He swallowed dryly, feeling as if his own emotions were stuck in his throat. "I'm sorry, but I cannot wait any longer. I need you to be honest with me, no matter how much it may hurt… Is Akio mine? Is he my son?"

Makoto sighed profoundly. "I have told you before… He isn't."

No.

No, she is lying. She must be.

He was ready to beg if necessary. "Stop this, please. I won't be angry with you. I just… I just want to get to know my son… Our son…I-"

"Ren." Makoto halted him, her tone disarming. "I never lied to you about that. Ever. Akio isn't your son." She told him in a tone of absolute finality.

He was immediately crushed. His shoulders sagged, his dreams - the dreams of her being the wonderful mother of his child, and of him being able to act as a father to his son, shattering before his very eyes.

He wasn't Akio's real father.

He wasn't. He wasn't, he wasn't, he-

"Then who? Who is it, Makoto? Please…Please just tell me. Please." He begged her miserably, desperation gnawing at the depths of his very existence.

Her eyes shone with an indescribable, soul-deep emotion that had his heart racing.

"Ren-kun." She started softly, her voice cracking up. "This isn't the question you should be asking me. Who Akio's bio father is barely matters because he might as well not exist to me and my son both. He bailed out even before Akio was born."

He stared at her, absolutely enraptured as he agonized with the pained look in her eyes. Makoto seemed to age a thousand years before him.

"The truth that pains me so much to talk about, is not what you think. The truth is that, no matter what, Akio will ALWAYS be my son…But Ren…"

The look she gave him would haunt him for years to come. She whispered the painful words softly, to the wind, and Ren Amamiya shattered with her.

"I am not his biological mother."

[6 Years and 7 Months Ago]

After the storm in her mind had passed, she looked around her current apartment. Small and cramped. Nothing like the one she and Sis chose together. Makoto had bled her finances dry as she drank herself to the edge of a precipice.

She thought of her sister, who was like a mother to her. She was aging gracefully. She had laugh lines now. That made Makoto's heart warm a little.

She looked down at her bracelet and thought of Yunchan, her little snowball. The happiness of her life.

She thought of Takuto. She had so much faith in him now. He and her sis were good for each other. Takkun was the brother of her heart.

She loved her family so much.

She thought of her friends. In the past two or three years, they were too busy dealing with their growing adult lives to stop by and check with one another as frequently. At best, they called each other from time to time, but getting together was a rarity nowadays.

Only Futaba, with her flexible lifestyle, bothered coming to see Makoto in the past two years when she needed something. The irony was not lost on Makoto, especially with the younger girl's loner tendencies.

She was glad it was Akechi here. She couldn't bear if any of them had caught her in this state.

Oh god, Eicchan… She didn't know what would happen if Eiko came home to…

"Hey." Akechi's voice interrupted the imminent renewal of her despair. "Don't get lost in your own mind now."

Makoto gazed at Akechi, as if not comprehending his actions.

"How did you know?" She asked him abruptly, trying to understand why he always came to her aid despite his usual threats and moodiness whenever they interacted.

He looked grave. "I saw the look on your face, so I decided to follow you here."

She teared up again. "Why do you even care?"

"I told you already. I don't know. But it doesn't matter, as long as you and I keep on living. Is that clear, Niijima?"

Makoto just nodded in response.

Eventually, they both got up and Makoto hugged herself, still feeling vulnerable and lost.

Akechi was strangely compassionate after he too calmed down. She half expected to be snarked at or reprimanded further, but it seemed he composed himself now that the coast was clear.

She felt desolate, tired, drained.

"I'm going to stay here tonight. I'll sleep on the floor if need be." He told her with a firm tone.

"You don't have to. I'm not your problem."

"This is non-negotiable. Where the fuck is Takao?"

She swallowed dryly. "At the doctor. She has been feeling unwell lately."

"Alright, let's wait for her to return, then."

They sat together on her living room floor. Her self-imposed sobriety was starting to make things worse, and the urge to drink increased.

Akechi's expression returned to his usual odious self, a fact that comforted her more than anything. It was normal, something that she could appreciate. It was strange, in a sense. He was her enemy who treated her like a friend when it mattered, whereas Ren was the friend who often made her feel abandoned by his actions.

Time passed slowly and yet, too fast. Eiko returned home, her expression crushed and crestfallen. She didn't even seem to notice the damaged door and ignored Akechi's annoyed looks.

Makoto frowned at her strange behavior. "Eicchan?"

Upon hearing her name, Eiko teared up.

"Makoto!" She cried out suddenly, her face morphing from crestfallen to despairing.

Makoto was tackled down by her Eicchan, and had she not been a powerhouse, she would have fallen to the ground as the body of her airhead smashed right into hers. Eiko sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed. She was babbling incoherently, so much that Makoto could barely understand her.

"What is wrong?" She asked as she petted her friend's hair.

"Makoto… I don't know what to do!" She hiccuped, her face twisted into a mix of panic, desperation, and fear.

Eiko had cute black hair. Straight, yet still fluffy and styled with her silly pink ribbon. She had honeyed brown, hazel-like eyes, and when she wasn't crying, she was pure sunshine.

"I'm pregnant!"

To be continued…

To whoever is out there, hurting and feeling alone in your pain: You matter. You are important.