Chapter 4 - Adjusting
Omega doesn't know what makes it suddenly sink in. They've been on Pabu for a week, but today when she wakes, Lula resting against her chest and to the presently clouded sky, she finally remembers.
Realizes.
Hunter won't be here to ask if she's alright, to check her over or teach her ships or tell her she did well. He'll never be here to know they made it, or that they got Crosshair out.
"Tell him I love him."
Omega never really knew that. She never saw what they were to each other. Never will. She'll never know, because Hunter is gone. Her brother is gone. She thought he'd be here to protect them forever, but she was wrong about that and doesn't know what else she's wrong on.
Could be anything.
Could be everything.
She curls around Lula, and no one is there to hold her when she cries.
Because no one is Hunter.
**w**
"You need to eat," Tech tells her flatly the next day, shoving her plate towards her. It's fruit, some of the ones on Pabu she used to love. She and Wrecker were obsessed with these at first.
Omega doesn't look up from the datapad she stole from Tech. "I'm not hungry."
"Omega."
"No!" she snaps, suddenly lighted with anger. Hunter's gone. How is she supposed to eat? All she wants to do is sleep. Sleep forever and never wake so the aching hole in her heart isn't something she'll have to think about.
"Starving yourself will not benefit anyone."
"This is only the second day I can't eat," Omega snaps, glowering at him. "And I have studying to catch up anyway, remember?" She looks back at her datapad, ignoring him entirely. Her hands are tight over the object, but she can't read what she's looking at. She's not even seeing it. Tears are in her eyes and she wants to throw something.
Feel it crunch and break and tear. To shred it between her fingers and hit something.
She punched a pillow this morning. Hates that it didn't hurt.
"That is not more important than your health."
Omega slams the datapad down on the table. "Like you're one to talk!" she yells, "You hardly ever sleep, or eat, and you never worry about that!" Her heart is pounding. Chest is heaving. Omega's rarely yelled at anybody. She doesn't really get angry. She's definitely never yelled at her little brothers, except Tech on rare occasions. She wanted to get back here so badly, but now that she's free, she just feels...
She feels trapped. She's free and not imprisoned, but she feels more trapped here than she ever did on Tantiss.
She hates it.
This is what Omega's always wanted.
That's what Hunter wanted.
Tech twitches back from her, hand lowering a little – he's momentarily stunned by her outburst, and probably hurt, too.
Omega glares harder, picking up her datapad again when he doesn't say anything. She slides down in her chair and opts to ignore everyone.
Including how Wrecker and Crosshair exchange worried looks.
She feels awful for yelling.
She's also still angry.
**w**
Wrecker is the one who comes to her. He taps her shoulder, edging backwards and crouching beside her.
Talking to him feels hard. Omega hates how different it feels. She doesn't know why it changed. Wrecker was her best friend, and now it's like she can't talk to him at all. Her time away and Hunter's absence changed everything.
"We're – we're just worried about ya," he mumbles, as characteristically awkward as ever.
She sighs. "I know." The depression isn't lifting. Omega doesn't know why. She thought it would be... better here. That it would get easier, but she was wrong. Horribly wrong, clearly. And she really just wants to cry.
Crying isn't going to bring Hunter back. All they can do is keep moving.
They're not just soldiers. They're a family, and how can they live when their leader is gone?
Without Hunter?
He always took care of them. He's always been there, except he's not now, and Omega feels like...
Is she supposed to be the one to do this? She has no idea.
She wants to talk to him again.
Just one more time.
How could he...
Why did he have to die?
Why did it have to be Hunter?
"We – uh – we just... want ya to be okay."
She won't ever be okay again. None of them will be. Hunter's gone.
Omega never asked how Tech and Wrecker dealt with it. She's never seen them cry since Ord Mantell. She doesn't know how to try. How to ask. She wants them to be okay, but...
That's a joke. It's a lie. It's not happening, and Omega doesn't want to even try pretending it's possible. She knows it's not.
She wants to cry or scream or hit something but mostly just to sleep and never wake.
"I know," Omega mutters, "I'm glad to be out of there, but I left everyone else behind, and... we're never really gonna be okay. I think we all know that." She doesn't want to talk about it, and she knows her brothers don't, either, but she can't keep pretending anymore.
Wrecker sighs. He looks like he wants to cry. "I know, kid," he promises, reaching to pull her against his chest in a crushing embrace. Omega's arms wrap around his neck and she burrows herself closer to him, squeezing her eyes closed and willing herself to either cry or find something she can just – do. To make it stop hurting. "I miss 'im, too."
**w**
Omega has nightmares about Hunter sometimes. Bracca. Daro. Eriadu. All blurred together. Somehow, the worst dreams are the ones where he's there.
The ones where he's not gone, and everything is fine. She cries herself to sleep, and stumbles zombie-like through the next day.
Crosshair comes to her the night after, wordlessly inviting himself into the mount with her and curling himself around her. The others never did that. Omega's always the one who came to them, but she's – getting to sleep by Crosshair is nice. He curls up just right, and Omega rolls against his chest, facing each other, Lula between them. He tucks the blanket over her, wrapping his arm over her so his hand touches her back. He rubs her back and Omega shifts closer, closing her eyes.
"Comfortable?" he queries.
"Yeah," Omega whispers, "Thanks."
He grunts an agreement, and they sleep beside each other that night. Omega still wakes, still hears Crosshair shifting beside her, but it's more relaxed than it has been in a long time.
She tries not to think about how much she misses Echo and Emerie.
(And Hunter.)
**w**
Crosshair would think being on Pabu would make the nightmares stop. Add that to the endless list of thing in his life he's been wrong about. Who is he kidding? It's nothing new.
He can hardly sleep at all without the nightmares haunting him, whether it's of everything that happened to him on Tantiss or of Bracca or Kamino or nearly freezing to death or – or suddenly wanting to hurt his brothers again and not being able to make it stop. He doesn't know which is worst. But resting is nearly impossible even though he's so exhausted that's about all he wants to do. Though with Hunter's absence, he doesn't think anything could make this bone-deep exhaustion go away, anyway.
And sometimes, he just dreams of being back in their barracks on Kamino, when they were all still together. Nothing guts him quite as much as those dreams.
Sometimes when Crosshair wakes up in the middle of the night from it, he hears one of the others awake, too. Sometimes, he thinks it's one of the others moving around restlessly that wakes him in the first place.
He wishes he could crawl in bed next to Hunter the way he used to when he was young. But he can never do that again because Hunter is gone and even if he wasn't – After everything Crosshair did to him, it doesn't feel like he'd have the right to do that anyway.
He used to climb into Wrecker's bunk just as frequently and – He actually could still do that. But then he remembers as Wrecker's body hit the Kamino hangar floor after Crosshair shot him and he doesn't even know anymore. He doesn't know that Wrecker would want him to.
Crosshair clenches his hands, breathing in shakily. His right hand is shaking again. He thinks it's getting worse.
Maybe... he should finish explaining to Wrecker what happened that led him to leaving the Empire. Even if it doesn't change anything. Wrecker does deserve to know.
He'll think about it later, in the morning. Maybe.
Right now, he doesn't want to think about ever having to get up again.
**w**
"Where's the kid?" Wrecker asks, stepping out of the Marauder down onto the ramp.
Crosshair is pacing at the base of the ramp but he doesn't appear to be actually doing anything. That's normal from what Wrecker's seen. He's often just brooding in an undisturbed corner somewhere. Wrecker doesn't often do much else either anymore.
"With Batcher," Crosshair supplies.
Wrecker moves to sit at the base of the ramp. He could go look for her but... She's often out playing with the hound or Lyana and Wrecker often doesn't have energy to anymore. Tech is still inside the Marauder, doing some kind of project Wrecker didn't follow in the slightest. They're all back together other than Hunter, but it doesn't really feel like it.
Crosshair sits next to him. That he does is a little startling, not that Wrecker minds. He misses what they used to have but he still doesn't understand.
"You asked me why I left the Empire," Crosshair speaks up finally, not really looking at him.
The suddenness of the comment startles him. "Yeah. I don't understand why all that time, you never tried to come back." But then... he left for someone else. He says that's not really what happened, but... that's still what it seems like.
"At first I thought you were traitors," Crosshair supplies finally.
"But why'd that matter so much?" Orders and the Republic and the Empire was never what mattered. It was always each other. 'least that's what Wrecker thought.
"I don't know." He breathes out heavily, hands clenching together. For a moment, Wrecker almost thinks he sees Crosshair's right hand shaking, but then his little brother shifts his hands so they're mostly out of sight. "It was all I could think about for so long and when that stopped mattering, it was too late. You were already gone, and I didn't know where to find you. The Empire sent me to that outpost, and I... nearly froze to death on a mission to recover stormtrooper armor. The commanding officer let the reg with me die. He would have let me die, too, if I hadn't been able to keep moving."
"They were gonna let you die?" Wrecker demands, horror and anger flooding him. Crosshair had already said he shot his commanding officer, but Wrecker never imagined it was something like that. There were times ever since they lost Crosshair that he couldn't help being afraid of what was happening to him. Wondering if he was alright or – or what, even if he didn't understand why Crosshair didn't seem to care for the same about them.
"I shot him for what he did," Crosshair supplies.
If this person nearly killed his little brother, then – good. "That's when they sent you to Tantiss?" Wrecker asks.
Crosshair nods. "When I shot that officer, I wanted to come back. I wanted to... find you. I didn't know how but that's what I wanted when I did it. I realized Hunter was right all along."
It really was for them, then, even if it took a long time. But Crosshair wanted to come back, wanted them back, and even if Wrecker doesn't know how to forget everything that he did, he's still his little brother. The only little brother he has other than Omega – who's also their older sister even if all that is still weird to him.
"We missed ya," Wrecker offers, because he doesn't know what else to say.
"I'm sorry," Crosshair says very quietly, but Wrecker still hears him.
Crosshair never really apologizes for things because he doesn't need to. He's their little brother.
But now he is and –
Wrecker doesn't know what to say to it. He finally settles for reaching for Crosshair, yanking him into his arms. Crosshair lets out a startled squeak, but he sinks into the hug instantly, pressing his face against Wrecker's shoulder, winding his arms around him.
"Aim for the kid."
"Something on your tiny mind, Wrecker?"
"None of this changes anything -"
He tries not to think about any of that right now. Crosshair's finally back, and he misses him so much still even though he's right here. He also seems a lot skinnier than he ought to.
Crosshair's shaking a little, breathing unevenly.
Is he crying?
Wrecker squeezes him a little tighter, with no intention of letting go any time soon.
**w**
Tech might not have much desire to keep fighting after Hunter is gone and they have no reason and nothing to fight for, but not having a mission to focus on is difficult. The entire time Omega was gone, finding her and Crosshair was his constant focus. He did not have much time to think about anything else. There was always something of extreme importance for him to be doing.
Now there is nothing. He's spent the last several hours researching on his datapad, only half hearing his brothers and sister talking to each other in the background, but he is still restless. There are countless projects he can turn his focus to, but none of them seem to last for long enough. Or perhaps it is just that all he can constantly remember is Hunter.
"Uhh, Tech?" Wrecker asks, appearing behind him.
"What?" He does not intend to snap but he does not want to be disturbed right now even if he has little desire to continue doing what he is, regardless.
"What're you doing?" Wrecker's looking over his shoulder now, at the long of professions he's been researching – professions that could in theory require their skillset in the future if it were ever necessary.
"Researching other professions."
"Why? We don't need 'em. We got everything here on Pabu," he objects.
Tech looks up sharply. "There is always a chance the Empire will still find us and this is necessary knowledge in the chance that happens," he retorts.
Wrecker backs off and Tech can feel Crosshair and Omega staring at him.
He pointedly returns his gaze to his datapad and continues scrolling. This knowledge is potentially important, but it still feels entirely pointless in Hunter's absence.
But he does not want to go to sleep. Whenever he sleeps, he vividly sees Hunter falling on Eriadu or on Daro, or Crosshair fighting them again or on rare occasion, Wrecker attempting to break his neck. So no, Tech has no desire to lay down.
"It's late," Omega speaks up, "We should be going to sleep."
Is she talking to him again?
"No," Tech replies curtly, "I have not finished my research."
That's enough to make all three of them move off but now that they have, all he can think of is how much he would like to speak with Hunter right now.
**w**
It feels like they're all avoiding each other. Like even if they're living on the same ship, they also aren't together again and –
Crosshair still misses all of them unreasonably, even though he sees them every day, minus Hunter, of course. Wrecker is... the only one who it's starting to feel a little easier with. Something feels different after their conversation, and for as difficult as it was to bring up everything that happened again, he thinks it may have been for the best. He feels better. Freer in a way he can't even describe.
Omega changed her hair style from the way it used to be. It looks like Emerie's now. And it keeps making him think about her and he really doesn't want to.
They're attempting to eat together in the morning for the first time in days when he notices the way Tech keeps looking at him.
"What?" he demands finally.
"What is wrong with your hand?"
Crosshair clenches his right hand instinctively. It's still shaking. He didn't realize anyone would notice. He didn't really want anyone to notice. He doesn't know what's wrong, but he doesn't want to talk or think about it. It scares him. He needs it to shoot, but he can't and... he can't be even more useless to them than he already has been. "It's fine."
"It is shaking," Tech replies bluntly, "That is highly irregular."
He can feel Omega's eyes on him, but he doesn't return the gaze. "It happened on Tantiss," Crosshair replies finally, "I do not know what it is." All he knows is that it keeps getting worse, and if they were fighting, he'd be nothing more than a liability.
"Did they perform experiments on it?" he asks, far too bluntly.
"No." Not his hand. But he has no idea if how many times his brain was electrocuted could have caused something like this or not. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore.
Tech has to promptly pull out his datapad, scanning it over. He does not seem impressed with whatever his scanner is showing. "AZI may be able to perform a better medical assessment. I am not scanning anything outwardly wrong with it."
"Forget it," Crosshair demands. He doesn't want to keep talking about this.
"Seeing as your hand is non-functional, it would be wise to assess what the issue is."
Arguing with Tech is always pointless.
Fine. He'll do it just to humor him.
Crosshair just stares back at him grumpily which Tech seems to take as a yes even though it definitely was not. Omega scampers away to find the droid, and AZI returns not long later to scan him over. He tries not to think about how many times he's been poked and prodded at on Tantiss. He does not appreciate having to sit still through this again even if it's to help him. At least he trusts AZI. Mostly. The droid is nice, and he doesn't anticipate it to hurt him. There are no threats on Pabu. That's... a strange feeling to have.
Wrecker comes over to hover at his side which doesn't do much to make him any less uncomfortable by this but he appreciates the sentiment of it.
"How does your hand feel now?" the droid asks, after doing an innumerable number of scans on it.
He clenches it again, trying to ignore how much it's shaking. "The same."
"Unfortunately, it may never heal 100%."
"There's nothin' you can do?" Wrecker interjects, frowning.
"I have exhausted all medical treatment options. Perhaps the issue is not something physical," the droid replies.
This again?
He heard enough talk about his chip and how it was affecting him and it wasn't something he even understood and – "You think it's in my head?" Crosshair demands.
"If you were to elaborate more on the experimentation you were subjected to, I could determine the cause," AZI offers very unhelpfully.
"Forget it," Crosshair snaps, jerking to his feet and walking out. He is not going to talk about that. Not now. Preferably never.
He goes to find a place a good distance away from the ship to brood for a while. Now that they started talking about Tantiss, he can't stop thinking about it. Which is really not how he wanted to spend the day but so much for that.
When Crosshair finally does go back to the ship, it's right in time to hear Tech saying, "I cannot believe this is the second time I am asking this question today, but what happened to your hand?"
He turns to see that Tech is talking to Omega. Her knuckles are bruised like she punched someone or something though he can't quite picture her doing something like that unless someone else hit first.
"Nothing," Omega snaps, pointedly shoving her hand out of sight. She seems far more upset than he remembers her being earlier.
Maybe she spent all day thinking about Tantiss just like he did.
"That is evidently not the case," Tech snaps back.
"Look, it's nothing. I'm fine. It doesn't hurt anymore."
"What I was inquiring was how it happened."
"It doesn't matter."
"Omega –"
"I'm fine," she repeats stubbornly, turning away.
That's enough for Crosshair to know that she's definitely not fine. He can only guess where she got the bruises from. But he has no idea what he could even do about it.
**w**
Crosshair still dreams of Bracca, apparently. He jolts awake after a nightmare of being burned apart one cell at a time and voices always voices too many voices, heart pounding.
He doesn't cry, but he wants to.
Wrecker's tossing beside him. Dreaming, too, probably. Hunter used to wake them when they dreamed. He's the only one who could always tell because of their heartbeats and something about their scent no one understood but maybe Tech. He'd sit them through it, but he's not here, so Crosshair pushes himself to his feet and tiptoes over to Wrecker, poking his shoulder.
His twin brother awakes with a full-body jolt, eyes flying open and wild even for the one unseeing.
He blinks at Crosshair for a moment, then reaches to yank him into a crushing hug.
"You okay?" Crosshair grumbles, voice muffled on his brother's chest, mildly irked from being dragged half off his feet.
Wrecker groans a little. "Yeah. Just dreams."
"It's not real," Crosshair tells him, trying to wriggle free to sit on the edge of his rack instead of half laying on him. No luck there. "What – were you dreaming about?"
Wrecker sighs. "Bracca."
He winces. "Me too," Crosshair mutters, regretting it almost instantly. He shouldn't talk about it. He's the one who tried to fry his brothers to death. Doesn't have the right to complain it hurt him instead.
"You dream about it?"
He grunts. "All the time."
Wrecker's hand tightens on his back. He's so tired. Almost thinks he could sleep here, if he could lay down first. "Not – uh – not what you were there for," Wrecker mumbles, "That's not what we dream about."
He's getting an instant bad feeling. "What is?"
"I..." Wrecker trails off, and Wrecker never cuts himself off. Something's gotta be upsetting him really bad. Crosshair has no idea what. "It's nothin'. Never mind."
"That didn't sound like nothing."
"It's just – uh. My... inhibitor chip activated."
"What?" he hisses breathlessly. He can't've heard that right.
"We got it out, but I – I hurt them. I hurt all of them."
He hurt Crosshair, too.
"I didn't even know I could."
"Let go of me," Crosshair requests, and Wrecker obeys instantly, letting him properly climb onto the rack beside him.
His mind is whirling, and he still feels like he couldn't possibly have heard that right. How could that have happened to Wrecker? All this time, Crosshair always thought he was – broken somehow. That something was wrong with him, because his brothers were fine, and he wasn't.
"You didn't stay with the Empire," he objects finally, "How did that happen?"
"Guess I hit my head and somethin' got weird. 'least that's what Tech says."
Crosshair feels lightheaded. It doesn't seem possible. How could that have – how? "They got it out?"
"Yeah. Rex stunned me."
Rex was there? Stars, he has so many questions. So many things he needs to ask about their time apart. He missed an entire lifetime. A life he'll never have with Hunter again, but Wrecker, Tech, and the kid still mean something. even if it's only half his family. "Did you hurt anyone?"
Wrecker's quiet. "Well, uh – we made it out."
It's a no but yes, and Crosshair decides not to press that one, because he can tell it's hurting Wrecker, and that's the last thing he wants. He's hurt all of them enough already.
He wants to tell them he was hurt, too, but after what happened, after how Wrecker's still haunted by something he couldn't stop, he doesn't want to make it worse.
"What'd it feel like for ya?" Wrecker asks.
"What?"
"When... your chip activated?"
He doesn't know how to answer that. "I don't know, exactly. It... made sense. Something was different, but I don't really – after we got the Order on Kaller, I felt... emptier. I didn't realize it at the time. Then –" He cuts himself off before he can start talking about Hunter. Not going there. "You were talking about leaving, and I was so angry. We were made to be soldiers, and you wanted to leave that life, even if it was the only thing we ever..." Crosshair sighs. He feels so stupid when he looks back at where it all started. He can't believe he did any of what he did. "I thought I was doing the right thing, but I was wrong. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I know," Wrecker promises, "So'm I." He hurt Crosshair far, far more than he realizes, but right now, he's fully content to let that one go. It wasn't Wrecker's fault, and he doesn't want to hurt him.
It's not like Crosshair wasn't about to fry him to death.
It's fine.
Really.
**w**
Wrecker's lost track of how long it's been. They've been on Pabu a few weeks, and the tension is grating on everybody. He hates it. They're so close, but so far apart. He just wants what's left of his family to be safe. Why can't it ever happen? Why can't they just stop worrying sometimes?
He and Tech can't stop arguing. Actually, Tech is fighting with everybody, even the kid, and Tech never fights with the kid.
Wrecker doesn't get it. Tech's always been snappy and a bit hot-tempered, but never like he is now. He's struggling, but it makes Wrecker feel even more lost and responsible for all of them than he already does, and he doesn't know what to do.
He's so scared and confused most of the time. He doesn't know how he's supposed to talk to him. What're they supposed to do if they can't get along anymore?
The heaviness never goes away, and Wrecker never stops wanting to cry. He and Crosshair try to find things to do and help out with, but it's never anything very...
Meaningful, maybe?
He's so miserable all the time. They all are.
He doesn't think Tech ever really sleeps anymore, and it freaks him out. Or, at least he doesn't usually, because Wrecker walks in on him curled around Batcher, both of them fast asleep.
He smiles goofily and drops a blanket over the two of them before tiptoeing out of the room. If Tech is finally asleep, Wrecker's going to make sure he stays that way.
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