This was a doozy. This chapter is all about our favorite absent father-to-be Elliot Stabler. This covers his life from December 8th to May 23rd. Please note that his timeline is mostly parallel to Liv's timeline (dates and times will be similar if not the same) so you can go back and read each of their timelines together to see where the pieces fit if you feel like it. I thought that would be a fun way to write this.
Trigger warnings: mentions of sexual violence, PTSD, substance abuse.
December 8th 2012 - 1PP - IAB Interview Room A
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
The yellowing wall clock in front of Elliot Stabler read 10:14pm.
His eyes zeroed in on the big hand, watching the seconds drag on as he tried not to picture Olivia in the next room over telling Ed-fucking-Tucker of all people what he had done to her in that cursed warehouse.
He clenched his fist and teeth, thinking about how badly he wanted to tear into Tucker's sergeant whose name he'd forgotten. Sergeant No Name wasn't even grilling him hard when considering the many other IAB interviews he'd been subjected to during his long career with SVU. The questions were compulsory, not overly personal or inflammatory, but Elliot was just so exceptionally angry after what had happened that he would have screamed at a puppy if it looked at him wrong.
He and Liv spent 3 days of Hell in a sex-trafficking operation scoping out the vilest, most despicable scumbags with whom he'd ever had the displeasure of sharing oxygen. The operation was the most extensive and hands-on UC they'd ever pull off. They'd spent over a month studying their cover as Nathan and Veronica Barnes, a married couple who aspired to join the organization as "foster parents" assisting in the housing and transportation of underaged trafficking victims. Compton required them to participate in a week-long "meet-and-greet" to assess how they would fit in with the group. The 3 days they were there were spent partying, networking, schmoozing Compton and collecting as much information about the trafficking operation as possible for the inevitable trial. It was dangerous and exhausting work.
During the infant stages of the investigation, SVU arrested Gary and Lora Decker, a couple who'd previously worked for Compton as foster parents. They'd agreed to provide information to the detectives in exchange for a plea deal and reduced sentencing. Arguably the most important detail they'd provided was about the third night of the meet-and-greet. In a shaky voice, Gary Decker described to detectives how they'd been plied with expensive bourbon and coerced into having group sex in front of several cameras. When it was over, Compton congratulated them for passing the test and informed them that he would be keeping the tapes so the Decker's would "have a little skin in the game." As Gary had become acquainted with some of the other "foster parents", he'd learned that all of them had experienced a test on night 3.
To avoid the test, Elliot and Olivia had to be extracted during the early evening of night three. That was the plan from the start of the operation and Cragen assured them that it would go off without a hitch.
It did not.
He and Olivia did all the hard work and they'd been left there to-
-he was so pissed, so enraged at every goddamned one of his superiors. They would never understand the damage they'd done when they failed to extract on time.
He felt like he would never have another moment of peace in his life after what Compton made him do to Olivia.
Tick, tock. 10:20pm.
He needed a shower like never before. He smelled like sweat and fear and Olivia's perfume. Every inhale was a punch to the gut.
If his pension weren't at stake, he would have already walked out the door, consequences be damned. It wasn't an option though. He and Liv had promised each other that they would be truthful during their interviews and he would honor that for both of their sakes. Once he finished, he'd drive home, shower until the water ran cold and drink himself stupid and try to forget, for even just a few minutes, what he'd become at Compton's hands.
"Detective Stabler, can you tell me what happened after you and Detective Benson were instructed to undress?"
The question added another log to the fire of his rage. He leaned over the table, leveling a deadly gaze at the man and sneered, "what do you think happened?"
Sergeant What's-His-Nuts sighed and jotted down a few notes before reaching over and turning off his recorder, "Stabler, I don't want to hear the dirty details anymore than you want to give them to me but you know the drill. We need to do this by the book for your careers and for the integrity of the Compton investigation." He clicked the record button with his thumb and continued, "I can guess what happened but I need to hear it in your words."
"He wanted us to have sex in front of the cameras and his cronies. Said he needed the tape for collateral. I told him no and he threatened to-" He palmed his face in frustration and rubbed furiously, barely able to say the words, "He was going to rape Detective Benson if I didnt - if we didn't have sex."
"So you had sex to keep away from her?"
Tick tock. 10:31pm.
Elliot nodded, looking anywhere but at the man. He loathed to call it sex. Sex was sacred, passionate, romantic, fun. What they did in that warehouse wasn't sex to Elliot. It was a nightmare.
"Where were Compton and his men while this was happening?" the Sergeant questioned.
"Compton was with us. He was orchestrating. His men were surrounding the bed, they were armed." Elliot explained.
"What do you mean by orchestrating?" Sergeant Whatever probed.
Elliot didn't want to elaborate but he knew they would see it on the tape that they'd confiscated from the warehouse so he continued, "He was telling me what to do to Detective Benson. When I didn't follow his exact instructions, he shoved the barrel of his gun into her mouth. He even…" Elliot blinked several times hard and shook his head, trying to fight the horrifying image in his head, "he choked her unconscious. I thought she was dead. They told me- made me- fuck. Fuck!" He stood up from the table and grabbed a trash can from near the door, depositing what little was in his stomach into the can. Just thinking about those moments made him feel like he might pass out. He threw the can back down and grabbed his water bottle off of the table, emptying it in a few big gulps before sitting back down. A cold sheen of sweat was covering his entire body. He refused to look at Seagant Who-Gives-A-Fuck, "they wouldn't let me stop while she was out."
"How long was Benson unconscious?"
"I'm not sure how long, it felt like a long time." He admitted.
Sergeant Nobody nodded and asked a few slightly less triggering questions to conclude the interview before turning off his tape and offering Elliot a sympathetic smile, "I'm really sorry this happened to you and Benson. Trust that we're going to thoroughly investigate what caused the delayed response from ESU. It won't go unpunished."
"Yeah, you do that." Elliot muttered and walked out of the room without another word.
A lot of good it'll do to investigate now. The damage is already done.
His partner had been brutalized and he had been the weapon used against her. There would be no justice great enough to fix that. They would never be partners again. What they had - an epic 13 year partnership and friendship that Elliot treasured more than any worldly possession - was cracked and broken in that warehouse and would never be the same again.
Liv was his best friend.
He couldn't stand the thought of seeing her or hearing her voice again.
Tick tock, 10:44pm.
December 9th 2012 - 1PP - 10:45pm
Elliot exited the interview room and found his Captain sitting vigil against the wall across from Interview Room B where he was sure Olivia and Tucker were still thought of being so close to her made him itch. Elliot gave his Captain one long, reproachful look and turned on his heel to start his journey home.
"Elliot, wait," He heard from behind him, but he did not slow down or give the man an opportunity to catch up. He'd always respected Cragen, had always seen him as a father figure, but he now grouped the man in with the rest of the COs and brass who'd failed him and turned him into a monster through their bureaucratic incompetence. Cragen's failure to lead the operation as intended had destroyed him, both of them. That was unforgivable. If Cragen got too close, Elliot wasn't sure what he might do to the man.
He walked briskly through the halls of 1PP, chin tucked to his chest to avoid eye contact with any of the few cops remaining in the building at such a late hour. He wasn't interested in entertaining looks of curiosity from the nosy brass who might have heard about his ordeal.
Fucking vultures.
He burst through the doors into frigid December air that whipped around his face and only served to piss him off more. He was one more trigger away from an explosion.
"Elliot, wait up a minute." Cragen hollered from behind him. He quickened his pace again until he finally made it to his vehicle. Without missing a beat, he unlocked his driver's door and pulled the icy handle harder than necessary. Cragen approached the back of his car and Elliot held out a shaking hand in warning.
Don't do anything stupid, Elliot, you need that pension for the family.
"Elliot," the older man breathed out, winded from the chase, "I'm so sorry, so damned sorry."
Sincerity and sorrow laced his words but it did little to quell the burning rage in Elliot's heart.
"I'm sure you're very sorry, Don. It doesn't change a damned thing." Elliot replied coldly, clutching his car door in a bid for some self control.
"I know that. The COs responsible-"
"You are responsible," Elliot snapped, "You're my CO, it was your job to get me and Liv out of there. I don't care what any other CO did or didn't do. You didn't get us in time and everything is fucked. I'm putting in my papers, I don't want to see you again."
"You don't have to put in your papers, Elliot. There are other options." Cragen pleaded.
Elliot laughed bitterly and unclipped his badge, "I basically raped my partner. I don't want to be a cop anymore." He tossed his badge into the snow at Cragen's feet, "Take care of Liv for me. I'll get you my papers once IAB concludes their investigation." With those parting words, he climbed into his car and slammed the door shut. He watched in his rear view mirror as Cragen bent down and picked up his badge, pocketing it before walking away with his head hanging low.
He drove home in silence, thinking only about Olivia the entire way. He knew she would be upset about his retirement, that he hadn't mentioned it to her. He expected she would try to call him and text him, that she might show up at his home to talk to him. The thought made his heart race uncomfortably fast.
Maybe it was selfish and cruel, but Elliot knew he wasn't going to answer her calls or text. He would not give her the goodbye that she deserved because he knew he wouldn't be able to leave if he heard her voice or saw her pain. It had to be a clean break for him.
He told himself that she would be fine. She wouldn't be alone in the world. She had the squad and they would help her. They would get her through the aftermath of Compton and help her when she went back to work. She'd likely be partnered with Amaro and Elliot could see that working out just fine for her. There was a sick, twisted jealousy in his heart when he thought about her having a new partner, but he pushed it away immediately. He had no claim over Olivia, especially not know.
When he pulled up to his home just after midnight, he saw the porch light was still on and was relieved that there was no Olivia shaped silhouette waiting for him.
Small comforts for Elliot because he suspected that Kathy was waiting for him.
The thought of speaking to his wife after everything was nauseating.
He trudged up the porch stairs and unlocked the door as quietly as possible, hoping that she would sleep through his arrival so he wouldn't have to deal with any questions.
No such luck. Kathy was sitting on the sofa with a mug of tea in hand and a fearful look in her eyes when she saw her husband's face after 3 days.
He paused at the door and shook his head, willing away the tears that he felt pricking the back of his eyes, "I don't want to talk, Kath. Please just don't."
She nodded and gripped her drink, a million questions and worries flooding through her at once.
Elliot dropped his bag on the floor and beelined for the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of whisky from the high cabinet over the fridge and pouring himself a full glass. He threw it back in a few gulps and poured himself another for the shower. He glanced over at the couch and saw Kathy's wide eyes staring back at him.
"It was bad, wasn't it?" She whispered, "really bad?"
He nodded and walked with his tumbler to the bathroom to scrub the scent of Olivia from his skin.
December 11th 2012 - The Stabler Residence - 3:11pm
His phone dinged with an unopened voicemail. He glanced aloofly at the screen and saw Olivia's name. It gave him the chills. He swiped over and deleted the message before he could second guess it..
"Elliot, whatever happened between you two, you have to talk to her eventually. And me, for that matter. You've hardly said 3 words since you came home. I'm worried about you." Kathy lectured. The words went in one ear and out the other. Elliot was sauced and exhausted, a potent combination for a man fresh out of a traumatic experience.
He took a long drag from his beer and scratched his stubble disinterestedly, "don't have anything to say to you or Olivia."
Kathy scoffed and grabbed 3 of the empty beer bottles off of the coffee table, "I'm your wife. You don't get to shut me out. I need to know what the hell happened between you and Olivia and why you haven't gone to work in days." Kathy stomped out of the room to set the bottles on the kitchen counter and returned to see Elliot popping the cap on another bottle.
"Elliot, please…" She begged quietly, sitting next to him on the couch and putting her hand on his knee, "Please talk to me. You need help. They won't let you back to work like this, you know that."
He brushed her hand off and set his beer on the table before rising from the couch to put distance between them. Without looking at her, he said, "I'm retiring, I'm not going back to SVU. Let it go."
December 15th, 2012 - The Stabler Residence - 7:42pm
He poured himself a third glass of whiskey as Kathy took the love seat across from him. She'd issued an ultimatum after a full week of him binge drinking silently on the couch.
Talk or leave.
He chose to talk. If he left, he wasn't sure where he'd go. He was afraid he'd find himself parked outside of Olivia's apartment, then walking up the steps, then knocking on her door. The sight of her would surely break the last vestiges of his composure. He needed to stay away from her and work things out with Kathy or he was going to end up on the streets with no job and no family.
The thought had his stomach in knots.
His phone vibrated with another voicemail from his former partner. Like the first one, he pressed delete before it could even transcribe on his phone.
Listening to her messages wouldn't do either of them any good because he had no intention of responding.
"Why won't you talk to Olivia?" Kathy asked quietly.
Not pulling your punches, I see.
"I don't want to," he replied sloppily, "Isn't that enough of a reason?"
"What happened during your undercover job? Everything was fine before you left. We were fine. Then you come back and you quit your job, you won't answer her calls, you drink all day. I've never seen you like this. Did someone…" she trailed off and folded her arms protectively across her chest, "did someone hurt you or Olivia? Is that why you don't want to talk to her?" She whispered.
He nearly choked on his drink. He coughed violently a few times and set the glass on the table with a thud, dark liquor sloshing over the sides and spilling onto the wood. His lungs seized with the effort and he panicked at the burning sensation. Kathy leaned over and patted his back a few times comfortingly.
It made him feel guiltier that she was giving him kindness. He knew it was time to tell her the truth, to ruin her perception of him. He couldn't stand another second of her gentle care. The guilt was eating him alive.
"I had sex with her." He mumbled, leaning back on the couch and bracing himself for Kathy's reaction.
She gaped at him. He watched her cheeks redden and eyes fill with tears. He stared back at her with a blank expression, bracing for her to make the next move. .
"You cheated?" She whispered shakily, "with Olivia?"
Elliot nodded. The booze was clouding his thinking and he tried to select his next words carefully. He didn't want to give Kathy all of the painful details, didn't want her to live with those images, but he needed her to stop hounding him about what happened. He explained, "It was an impossible situation, the worst thing I've ever done," he drained his glass again and swallowed back a sob. "I want to forget. I need to forget about it and about Olivia and I can't forget it if you don't let me." He was shaking with barely contained rage and grief and a bitter hatred that lived in the worst parts of himself, "Goddammit Kathy, I don't want to talk about it anymore." He screamed, swiping his whisky glass off the table and watching it shatter into pieces on the floor as the amber liquid seeped into their area rug.
A moment of silence passed over them and he chanced another look at Kathy between ragged breaths. The shock in her face had been replaced with something else.
Pain.
December 20th 2012 - the office of Dr. Blake Ballard - 10:29am
"Elliot, I know that you agreed to these sessions with Kathy to improve your communication, but I do think you'd benefit greatly from some one-on-one therapy as well. I can recommend a few specialists in the area-" the couple's therapist suggested. He was interrupted by Elliot's refusal.
"-not interested, thanks." Elliot declined bluntly and slumped back on the couch. They were only in their second session of marriage counseling and Dr. Ballard had recommended individual counseling for Elliot a half dozen times.
He's not telling Kathy that she needs another shrink. So much for impartiality.
"Okay, that's fine, Elliot. Let me know if you change your mind. It's good that you're willing to attend these sessions with your wife." Dr. Ballard flipped through his notebook and took a pause to review his notes, "During your first session, I asked you why you'd decided to participate in marriage counseling. You both cited Elliot's sexual encounter with his former colleague was the driving force behind your decision. After completing last week's homework, do you still believe that infidelity is the main problem in your marriage?"
Kathy nodded. Elliot stared at the wall behind the counselor's head and tried not to flinch at the feeling of his wife's shoulder pressed against his own. The use of the word "infidelity" also irked him. Infidelity is intentional and consensual. What happened between him and Liv was not.
His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out, grateful for a momentary reprieve from the counselors questions until he saw Olivia's name and another voicemail message. He quickly deleted it and stuffed his phone back into his pocket.
"She won't stop calling him," Kathy complained to Dr. Ballard, "She even tried to call me a few times. After everything she did, I don't understand why she thinks it's okay to call us."
Elliot furrowed his brow and narrowed his eyes at her, "What do you mean 'everything she did'?"
Kathy looked dumbfounded as she spat back at him, "She had sex with my husband. Is that not enough of a reason that she shouldn't contact me? I trusted her, both of you. How dare you defend Olivia after what you did!" She was enraged, red and breathing heavily.
The counselor attempted to interject and de-escalate but Elliot wasn't having it. He snapped, pulling himself as far away from her as possible on the couch and growling back at her, "You have no idea what happened in that warehouse. Liv is not to blame here." His breathing was erratic and he felt like he couldn't get enough air, like the walls were closing in.
Kathy laughed in disbelief and anger, exclaiming, "You told me you had sex with her!"
He didn't know how to respond.. That was exactly what he'd told her and he hadn't given her a lick of context, just let her mind run wild while he tried (and failed) to pull himself together in the aftermath. He wrung his hands together and tried to take in a big breath unsuccessfully. The careful control he had over his emotions was faltering. He was panicking.
"Kathy, stop-"
"No, I'm not going to stop!" She clapped back harshly, "You agreed to counseling, you agreed to talk about what happened. If you want to save this marriage like you said you do, you have to talk to me," she argued, "I'm not the one who cheated. Stop making me the bad guy because you want to protect Olivia. I'm your wife. Olivia isn't."
The words hit in like a punch to the gut.
I'm your wife. Olivia isn't.
Marriage was sacred to him. The vows they'd taken to one another were a covenant between them and God, that was why he'd gone home to her every night, why he'd never allowed himself to cross lines with Olivia or any other woman for that matter. He didn't want his marriage to fall apart. He'd already lost his career, his direction in life, his best friend, his squad. Without his family, he would truly have nothing left. The kids would always be his, but they would inevitably pick a side in a divorce and he knew it would be Kathy's, especially if she decided to tell them that their father had been unfaithful.
The thought of Kathy walking around in the world thinking that he and Liv had betrayed her was almost worse than her knowing what he'd been forced to do. What happened in the warehouse was not a passionate moment of weakness between two long time friends, it was a brutal and desperate act of survival.
"I know, I don't want to lose you, Kath. It's just hard to talk about." Elliot confessed, wishing her to see the sincerity in his words, to hear the desperation in his voice.
"Can you just try? God knows I don't want all of the details, Elliot, but some context might help." She pleaded, some of the harshness gone from her voice.
He saw fresh tears trailing down her cheeks. The guilt that had been stabbing at him for 12 awful days reached an apex. Kathy was miserable right along with him, suffering in the aftermath of everything that he'd been through. His family was collateral damage from his job, like they always had been. Elliot knew it was his responsibility and his duty as a husband and father to repair some of what he'd broken.
He would start with being honest.
"What do you want to know?" He asked her hesitantly, heart pounding in his ears. He turned his body towards hers and she grabbed his hands instinctively, holding them tightly in her own. The touch felt invasive to Elliot but he knew he couldn't pull away from her during such a pivotal moment.
"How many times did you sleep with her?" Kathy asked, staring down at their joined hands. Hers trembled in his and his palms dampened hers.
Elliot did not hesitate to answer, "Just once." He replied honestly. An acrid taste filled his mouth and sweat beads started to form on his lower lip in anxious anticipation of her other questions.
Kathy accepted his answer with a firm nod and took in a shaky breath before continuing, "How did it happen?"
He opened his mouth to reply but found he couldn't speak. The two of them stared at one another until Kathy broke eye contact, unable to stand another second of the anguish on her husband's silence was suffocating.
Never before had Elliot been faced with such a monumental confession. Once the words were said, he knew she'd never unhear them, she'd never have a chance to forget the reality of what led to her husband's 'infidelity'. The trajectory of their relationship would change forever. There was a brief moment where he debated lying to her and telling her that he and Olivia were drunk. It felt kinder to lie somehow.
He rejected that thought as quickly as it came. Kathy deserved the truth and he deserved to tell it, even if it hurt them both.
Sweat trickled down his brow and she reached over shakily to wipe it away with a handkerchief. He closed his eyes at her touch and tried not to think about the words as he said, "Gun to my head." The words were clipped and harsh. He heard her sharp intake of breath and decided to keep going, to get more of the words out while he still had the nerve, "They were going to rape Olivia if I didn't. They threatened to shoot us both. I just-" A sob ripped from his throat and he swallowed hard, ripping his hands from her grasp and clenching his fist together in an effort to choke down his emotions. "I just wanted to go home." His voice broke apart but he continued, raspy-voiced, "It was bad - what they did to her, what they made me do - it was violent. I thought she was dead at one point." Elliot leaned over and buried his face in his hands, tears dripping between his fingers. He was numb. He couldn't open his eyes. He didn't want to see Kathy's face.
"Elliot," she whispered, trembling, "I didn't realize… I thought…You said you cheated."
"I did." He murmured sadly, "I had sex with Liv, I just didn't want to."
Kathy kneeled down in front of him and grabbed his arms to pull his hands away from his face, "Please look at me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I understand now. Honey, it's okay," She caressed his face gently with her thumb, wiping his tears away and cradling his salt-and-pepper scruff, "You don't need to say another word."
December 24th 2012 - The Stabler Residence - 11:14am
He pressed the delete button on yet another voicemail and sighed tiredly. Every time she called, he felt like he received an adrenaline shot directly to the heart. He said a silent prayer that Olivia would be merciful and give up soon. It would be better for both of them.
"Another voicemail?" Kathy questioned gently from beside him while chopping potatoes. They were busily preparing for a Christmas Eve dinner with all of the kids. Kathy did the lion's share of the cooking but Elliot acted as her helper, trying to keep himself busy and away from the bottle of scotch he'd bought behind her back and stashed in the toilet tank 2 days prior.
"Yeah, I deleted it." He replied numbly, planting a small kiss on her cheek, "I'm going to get a new number after the new year. I think a fresh start will do me some good."
Kathy nodded and offered a very small smile, "Whatever you need, that's what we'll do," She grabbed two handfuls of potatoes and dropped them into a small pot with boiling water, "Are you going to tell the kids what happened?"
He blanched at the suggestion and shook his head adamantly before straining to say, "No, not now. Let's just enjoy the holidays. We'll figure out what to tell them later." He squeezed her hips and walked to their guest bathroom. Once the door was shut behind him, he turned on the exhaust fan to cover any noise and carefully removed the lid of the toilet tank to reveal the bottle of Johnnie Walker he'd hidden there. Pulling the bottle out, he was disgusted at himself but justified that it was better to be discreet than to openly drink away his feelings in front of his family.
He poured some of the liquor into a mouthwash cup and drank it down in one gulp. Booze offered him the one thing that talking, therapy, quitting his job and ignoring Liv's calls could not give him - an escape from the constant pain.
He poured another and threw it back. Then another. Then another, and one more before stashing the bottle, replacing the tank lid and swishing some wintermint mouthwash around his mouth to hide the stench of alcohol.
January 4th, 2013 - Holiday Inn Resort - Aruba - 4:44pm
Elliot was sprawled out on the white sand beach, eyes closed, letting the sounds of the ocean and the beating sun wash over him like a warm hug. The salt smell was intoxicating and he found himself breathing it in so deeply that it relaxed his whole body on the exhale. The need to drink away his memories was dulled significantly by the euphoria he felt in being away from the snow-covered streets and frigid temperatures of New York City. On the beach, he was a brand new Elliot Stabler.
Beach Elliot could relax for once. Beach Elliot had a smile that reached his eyes. Beach Elliot ate delicious rich Caribbean food, danced with Kathy under the setting sun and slept in until 9am.
It wasn't all perfect. Nightmares about the warehouse still plagued his sleep almost every night, he couldn't bring himself to have sex with Kathy, and he craved liquor like a son-of-a-bitch, but Rome wasn't built in a day. He felt better than he had before, so he would take it as a win.
Kathy had embraced his crazy impulse to list their house for sale and book a trip to Aruba much faster than he'd anticipated. Eli was enjoying a week-long sleepover at Maureen's while Elliot's realtor was working to find the perfect buyers for their home. Once the house sold, Elliot thought they might spend the rest of the winter months somewhere far away from New York. Eli could be homeschooled for a bit, he was young enough to acclimate to a new kind of schooling. Between Elliot's pension and the profit from the sale of their house, he figured they could travel without financial worries for at least a few months. Then maybe they'd want to settle down again and find work. He wasn't sure where they would end up or what they would end up doing but he chose not to worry about it and enjoyed the excitement of not knowing instead.
Dr. Ballard cautioned them about spontaneous life decisions during this period of transition in their lives, but he decided to ignore the man's advice and do what he wanted for once. He'd finally found a way to numb some of the pain he'd felt after the warehouse and after cutting Olivia out of his life. If he needed to waste some money and run away from New York to feel better, that was his business, nobody else's. His family was intact and life was moving forward. At least he was running in the right direction.
January 29th, 2013 - the residence of Maureen Stabler - 7:50pm
The family of 7 huddled together outside of Maureen's home, their breaths visible in the cold air while they waited for a taxi to arrive. The tension was palpable to all except 5-year-old Eli who was just excited to fly in an airplane.
"Are you guys sure about this?" The eldest Stabler child asked her parents, cradling a mug of coffee in her hands and trying not to cry, "Putting everything you own into storage and flying to Europe seems like-"
"-like a midlife crisis." Richard interjected harshly. Elliot scowled at his eldest son. Richard was outspokenly angry at them for leaving. He and Lizzie were only in their sophomore year of college and his parents were fucking off for almost two months out of the country. He felt abandoned and was resentful about it.
"It's not a midlife crisis. Your mother has always wanted to go to Europe. I'm retired and Eli's still young enough that we can homeschool him while we travel. It's the perfect time." Elliot pulled his oldest son into a hug and patted him firmly on the back, "We'll be back in no time, kid, before the semester is even over."
"Yeah, so you said." Richard mumbled, hugging his father back half-heartedly.
"We're going to miss you guys." Kathleen cried, wiping fresh tears from her face and giving her mom another firm hug. Their second eldest child was the most sentimental of their brood. Elliot wasn't surprised that she was openly crying over their departure. Lizzie and Maureen were more closed off with their emotions, and Dickie usually expressed his negative feelings in the form of anger, a trait he'd unfortunately inherited from his old man.
"We'll miss you too, Katie. Take care of yourselves, all of you." Kathy said, smiling at her children and trying to hide how excited she was for her upcoming adventures. Elliot knew that she didn't want to rub salt in their wounds.
It was Kathy's life's dream to travel the world. Her travel aspirations took a backseat when she fell pregnant at 17 and married him and raised 5 babies instead. There was no time or money to take adult vacations when Maureen needed braces and Dickie needed basketball shoes and Lizzie needed paint markers and Kathleen needed pocket money to go to the mall with her friends. This was her opportunity to revive the dreams of girlhood Kathy, the small Kathy who spent hours hunched over travel magazines, meticulously cutting out her favorite photos to glue to poster board, vision boards of a future sightseeing the great big world. He could give that to her and was happy to do so.
It was a win-win was living out her dreams and he was getting out of New York.
Their taxi finally arrived and Elliot released a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding in. He was ready, more than ready. The anticipation of leaving was heady.
Kathy ushered Eli into the back seat while Elliot handed their luggage to the driver and provided him with their destination. They waved through the window at their older kids as their ride pulled away and Elliot breathed his first full breath since Aruba.
A grand adventure was ahead.
Goodbye, New York.
March 1st 2013 - Pont des Arts bridge - Paris, France - 5pm
Elliot stood on the pedestrian bridge and took in the sight of thousands of locks attached to it. He raised his eyebrows at his wife and couldn't help but smile at the look of awe on her face.
It was Kathy's idea that they should add their own lock, a symbol of their new life and fresh start. He'd agreed that it sounded neat. He was very amiable these days, ready to experience anything new that life had to offer, big or small.
Eli ran his hands over the locks, clinking them together and giggling at the cacophony of metal on metal as his parents examined the monstrosity.
"Think we're too old for this?" Elliot asked his wife lightly. She shook her head and laughed, pulling a black marker out of her pocket. He watched her write 'ES KS' on the padlock and set out to find room for their love lock.
The volume of locks was overwhelming to Elliot and a touch of cynicism crept into his mind. He wondered how many of the couples were still together, how many had hurt each other, how many were stuck with one another. Standing in the most romantic city in the world with his wife and his son, he had more questions about love than he ever had before.
Elliot had love in his life that he did not take for granted - a loyal wife who stood by him no matter what and who gave him 5 beautiful children. They'd met when they were still children themselves and had built something great for themselves. He was grateful for it and he'd always love her for that, yet he knew they were missing something crucial in their relationship, a connection that he'd only felt with one woman in his lifetime.
In the rare moments where he let himself think about Olivia, his heart filled with longing for her. He missed her like a missing piece of his own soul. Looking at the locks, he allowed himself the fleeting fantasy of a parallel universe and a lock with 'ESOB' dangling from the bridge with a key at the bottom of the Seine never to be found.
Kathy's voice called out to him and he snapped back to reality. He was married. Between his loyalty to Kathy and Olivia's dignity and moral compass, they never would have crossed that line if it weren't for Compton. They would have only ever been friends, and now they didn't even have the friendship holding them together. He was a world away trying to build something new and there wasn't room for Olivia in his fragile new reality.
"I found the perfect spot," Kathy exclaimed, waving him and Eli over and showing them the tiny spot she'd scoped out for their lock. Together, they latched it on and let their son throw the key into the river below. Kathy wrapped her arm around his waist and he pulled her into a gentle kiss.
His new life was good, he decided. Everyday was something different - new foods, sights to see, people to meet. The adventure was intoxicating. He could be happy if he just let himself be.
March 31st 2013 - the residence of Maureen Stabler - 3pm
Elliot sat around the kitchen table at his eldest daughter's home, surrounded by the chaos of his 5 children together for the first time in months.
It was Easter Sunday, a day to celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Elliot took this holiday more seriously than most and was relieved when his eldest daughter offered to host the customary Stabler family Easter meal. She and Kathy prepared a feast of ham, mashed potatoes, green beans, macaroni and cheese, stuffing, noodle casserole and homemade rolls. Before they'd left for Europe, Kathy gifted Maureen their heirloom fine china and Maureen was all too eager to put it to use while hosting her first holiday. The sounds of silverware clinking on the plates was familiar and it made him wistful.
He was blessed to have this big family. Some weren't so blessed. He knew Olivia would likely spend the holiday alone or working overtime to keep herself busy. Holidays were hard for her. She'd told him once that they reminded her of a family she never had. He loathed to think about her spending the day in isolation.
A pang of guilt hit when he remembered that he'd made her even more alone when he disappeared.
"Dad, are you okay?" Kathleen asked, nudging his right shoulder with her left and offering up a gentle smile, "You disappeared there for a second."
"Yeah, I'm fine sweetheart." He replied quietly and cut a piece of the ham on his plate, chewing it thoughtfully and watching his family interact with one another.
Maureen and Kathy were discussing Maureen's upcoming nuptials and her struggle to decide between peonies and roses or peonies and ranunculus, Lizzie was entertaining Eli with an exaggerated story about a pig that she'd encountered during her internship at a veterinary clinic and Richard was silently pushing around the food on his plate, not engaged in any of the conversations going on around him.
Richard was the most vocal about his dislike for his parents' drastic life changes. In the last few months, conversations between the man and his father had been icy at best and hostile at worst. Easter was the first time they'd seen one another since Elliot and Kathy left for the airport and Richard had not spoken two words to him in the hours since he'd arrived.
"Dickie, you okay over there?" Elliot asked his eldest son. Chatter at the table quieted down and attention was quickly turned to the patriarch who'd been mostly silent throughout the day.
"It's Richard," The younger man responded and set his fork down on his plate, "I'm fine. We should be asking you if you're okay."
Elliot raised his brows at Richard and crossed his arms over his chest defensively, "Okay, Richard. What are you trying to say exactly?"
Richard huffed and rolled his eyes before replying,"C'mon Dad. Don't play dumb, please. We all know something's going on," Richard looked around at the rest of the family, hoping one of his siblings would chime in but they were silent and wouldn't look at him. He sighed and continued, "You quit your job out of nowhere, spent weeks drunk on the couch, fucked off to Aruba and then sold the house and went to Europe. You pulled Eli out of school in the middle of the year for fucks sake!"
"Richard, please." Kathy begged, reaching over Eli to put a hand on Richard's arm, "Not now. Not today."
"I'm sorry, mom, but this has gone on long enough. Something's wrong here and you expect us to pretend it's all fine! Dad quit his job out of the blue and all you'll tell us is that we need to block Olivia's phone number? And we're not supposed to wonder why? We're all adults here except Eli, yet I feel like he probably knows more than all of us about what happened. I'm tired of acting like this shit is normal." He stood up from the table and grabbed his jacket before walking out the front door.
Elliot sat frozen in his chair. All eyes were on him but Eli's who was too busy spooning mashed potatoes into his mouth to notice the mood shift in the room.
Lizzie pushed away from the table, whispering, "I'll go talk to him." Elliot wanted to stop her and take her place but he couldn't seem to move his legs.
He felt like his son had poured a bucket of ice cold water on him. Months of running from the feelings, running from what happened in the warehouse, it all came crashing down on him. Compton had broken him so badly that he'd thought the only way to move on was to pretend it never happened and never think about it again. He distracted himself with traveling and Kathy and Eli. He moved them all over Europe, overloaded their schedule with sightseeing and tours, overloading his own system with enough sensory input to override thoughts of anything unpleasant. He'd thought he was healing himself but he realized that all he'd done was postpone the inevitable. He hadn't moved on at all and Richard's confrontation made that clear.
He never did contact an individual therapist like Dr. Ballard suggested. They'd spent a few weeks in couple's counseling until they left New York and decided that they were fine once Kathy had a clearer picture of what happened in the warehouse. She never pushed for any more information after the one fateful session where he'd spilled his guts to her. That session was actually the last time that Elliot had spoken of the warehouse to any person, the last time he'd admitted what happened between him and Olivia.
It was again at the forefront of his mind with his son's angry questioning. He noticed Maureen was on the verge of tears and Kathleen had a sympathetic expression aimed toward him. Kathy looked uncomfortable and a bit panicked. She knew the topic of Olivia was a massive trigger point for him. She also knew after Richard's outburst that their lack of explanation was taking a toll on their children. She was conflicted, he could see that on her face. She would want to ease their worries and give them the explanations that they needed, but she also knew that telling them about the warehouse would be traumatic for everyone.
It was another impossible choice to make but Elliot was willing to have the hard conversation if it meant that his children would have peace again.
"Kath, get Lizzie and Dickie back in here. It's time we talk about this." He said with very little confidence in his voice.
His wife squeezed his arm comfortingly and shook her head, "you don't have to do this today if you aren't ready."
"I think I do." He replied. She stood from the table and walked outside to retrieve the twins. Maureen accompanied Eli to his room to put on a movie for the boy so the adults could talk freely. Kathleen remained at the table with her dad.
"Dad, did Liv do something?" She asked quietly. Of all of his children, she'd always been the most attached to Olivia and had taken it the hardest when her father asked - begged, really - that she block the women's number.
"No, Katie. Liv was… She was a victim in all of it." He replied cryptically. The words sat heavily in the air between them.
"I guess I don't understand why we cut her out of our lives." Kathleen said, "If she didn't do anything wrong, I mean."
Elliot gulped before he said, "Sometimes when you cross a line, you can't ever uncross it and you have to walk away."
Kathleen's eyes widened in surprise and she started to speak again when her mother reentered the house with Lizzie and Richard.
Richard looked properly shamed, his head hanging low and cheeks flushed. He wasn't sure what his wife and daughter said to calm him but Elliot was grateful that he didn't return with guns blazing.
"I'm sorry, dad. I shouldn't have-" Richard began.
"-no, you were right, "Kathy chimed in, "All of you deserve an explanation. I'm sorry we didn't address it before. It's just… It's hard for your dad to talk about."
Maureen returned to the table a moment later and the 6 of them sat together as Elliot gave them a highly censored summary of what led to him retiring from the police force. He described the general purpose of the undercover assignment, the way that the department had dropped the ball and failed to extract him and Olivia on schedule. Without being too explicit, he explained what Compton and his crew had demanded from him and Olivia. He was sure to emphasize that what happened between them was under extreme duress and under the threat of death. Throughout the story, he kept his eyes trained down at his clasped hands on the tabletop, not willing to look up into the faces of his children and see the horror he was sure he'd find in their eyes.
Some of the details he gave were new to Kathy. He hadn't told her very much at all about the warehouse and he hoped the revelations wouldn't cause them new issues in their marriage.
After he'd given them as much information as he was willing to, he concluded, "When it was all over, I spoke to internal affairs for a few hours and turned in my badge to Cragen. I haven't spoken to any of them since."
He finally looked up, ready to appraise the damage he'd done to his children.
His eyes first connected with Lizzie's across the table. She was pale and her eyes were wide, shocked and glassy. Richard's fists were clenched and his eyes were fixed on the wall across the room. Tears were streaming down Kathleen's cheeks and Maureen's reaction appeared quite similar to her youngest sisters. None of them spoke.
"Do you have any questions for me?" He asked quietly. The girls all shook their heads no. Richard's head shot up and the blue eyes of father and son met in a tense gaze. For just a second, it seemed like the younger man wanted to fight, the air charged with the anticipation of a confrontation. Then suddenly, Richard's defenses fell and his shoulders slumped.
"Dad, I'm sorry," He mumbled. "I really shouldn't have pushed about it. I didn't realize…"
Elliot rose from the table and walked over to the young man. He patted his son on the shoulder and whispered, "It's alright, son. You didn't know." as he walked by and excused himself to the bathroom. Once the door was closed, he breathed out a massive shaky breath and splashed cold water on his face in a desperate attempt to calm down. The haggard image of his own face caught his attention in the mirror and he blanched at how old and worn out he appeared.
It was the first time in months that he'd really looked at himself and appraised what he saw. He'd been going and going for so long, barely sleeping, running from his problems at full speed in a near manic state. Once they'd returned to New York from Europe he'd expected to feel some catharsis, but he hadn't felt anything other than a desire to leave again. The numbing effect of leaving was wearing off and reality was hitting him where it hurt the most.
His children were now aware of the worst moments of his life and he was suffocating under the vulnerability he felt. He wanted to drive back to the airport, buy a one way ticket and never think about New York again.
Elliot knew it was time to stop running. If he didn't face it all, he'd never actually be happy again, he'd just be running from his bad feelings until he one day dropped dead.
April 19th 2013 - the office of Dr. James Urey - 2:30pm
Elliot was 6 sessions into intensive therapy before he had to talk about Olivia on a less than superficial level.
Before his first appointment, he'd promised Kathy (and himself) that he would do the work required of him to get better, that he would put in the time to find himself again so he could move on from what had happened. Easter dinner was his rock bottom and he was finally ready to crawl his way back from the depths.
He called and scheduled himself a therapy appointment as soon as the offices opened on April 1st.
During session one, he'd provided Dr. Urey with a brief summary of the warehouse incident and his reasoning for finally seeking therapy to cope with the trauma he'd endured. He'd been diagnosed with PTSD and the doctor suggested that they table the more in depth discussions about the warehouse and Olivia for later sessions once they'd covered more background and had the opportunity to get more familiar with one another. Elliot eagerly agreed to the suggestion, happy to put off the inevitable discomfort for a little bit longer.
Session two primarily revolved around discussions about his childhood and his issues with his parents. There was a lump in his throat the rest of the day after that one but he overall walked away unscathed.
Session three was a deep discussion regarding his relationship with Kathy, their history and the rockiness of their relationship which never seemed to fully abate once he'd returned home during her pregnancy with Eli. The questions hit a nerve during that session and Elliot contemplated finding a new counselor for a few days.
"Do you regret reconciling with Kathy?" He'd asked.
The question had Elliot dumbstruck and defensive, "She's the mother of my kids, she was pregnant. She asked me to come back." He explained.
"I understand, but I'm not asking why you moved back home. I'm asking if you regret it now."
Elliot paused for a long time, longer than was appropriate, before responding, "I… No, I don't regret it. I love my wife." He stated, sounding less than confident in his own answer.
"But?" The man pressed.
Elliot sighed, "I guess there's a part of me that wonders what could have been if we'd stayed apart."
He'd been distant with Kathy for a few days after that session and she didn't push him about it. Guilt gnawed at him. She'd be sleeping peacefully next to him and his own words would echo back at him, "what could have been if we'd stayed apart."
In the fourth session, he'd spoken about his career and what being a cop had meant to him. That conversation was particularly brutal to Elliot as they discussed how fractured his identity was after Compton had turned him into one of the perps that Elliot had dedicated his life to fighting. It was soul crushing. He'd spent 3 hours in the bar after and took a taxi home.
The fifth session was primarily centered around his children and the family unit that Elliot feared he'd destroyed after Easter dinner had turned into a confession about his personal Hell.
"They'll never look at me the same. How can they trust me after everything I did?" He'd asked Dr. Urey.
The man gave him a sympathetic smile before shrugging, "If your children know your character, they know that your actions in that warehouse do not define you as a person or align with your own morals."
Each session helped and hurt him in equal measure. It was peeling away his defenses and forcing him to look critically at all of the pieces of who he had become. It exposed the uncertainty he had about his marriage and the codependency he worried was keeping him and Kathy together for the wrong reasons. It cracked open his childhood trauma, his propensity to run away from his feelings instead of processing them, his deep love for his children and obsession that he'd damaged them, his worry that he had no clear life's path now that he was no longer on the force.
Somehow, he was healing and breaking all at once.
Sessions one through five were child's play compared to what session six would do to him, he realized that as soon as Dr. Urey greeted him.
"Tell me about Olivia." the doctor instructed, looking up briefly from his clipboard to add, " Tell me about her as a person, who she was to you before the incident."
He closed his eyes at the mention of her name and a memory of Olivia smiling over at him from his passenger seat filled his mind. She was cradling a coffee cup in both hands, though he knew it contained some kind of earthy tea instead of coffee. Her brown eyes stared at him in the memory, full of mirth over a joke he'd made regarding Munch's outfit. Her joy was infectious, she was ethereal. Indescribable, really.
"I'm not sure what to say about her." He said. "Or where to start."
"You were smiling just now, were you thinking about her?"
"I was." Elliot admitted, "I have a lot of good memories with Liv."
"Would you say she was more than just a coworker to you? Would you have classified her as a friend?" Dr. Urey questioned.
Elliot realized then that he'd done an incredible job of suppressing the topic of Olivia during therapy. Somehow, his shrink didn't even know that they had been close, not even after 6 hours of talking about Elliot's life. That bothered him for some reason he couldn't pinpoint.
"She is my - was my - best friend." He said. The past tense made him flinch.
Dr. Urey looked up at his patient with a furrowed brow, "How long did you work together?"
"13 years."
The doctor looked briefly surprised and wrote for a long time after that answer. The silence picked at Elliot's nerves. He knew the tough questions were coming and the familiar desire to bolt was creeping up on him.
"13 years is significant. Is Olivia married as well? Does she have any children?"
"No, she was single most of our partnership. No children either." Elliot replied, unhappy with the hint of jealousy he felt when picturing Olivia married or as a mother to some unknown man's child.
"Partnerships in Law Enforcement don't usually last quite that long. Tell me something about Olivia that made her a good partner for you." Urey requested.
Elliot sighed wistfully, "Liv was incredible at the job, one of the best cops I've ever seen. She's especially good with the victims, she can hold her own with perps, she'd smarter than anyone else in the department. SVU was her calling in life. Her passion for the work kept me in the unit longer than I probably should have been."
"It sounds like you cared deeply for her." Urey observed.
A pang of regret struck him and he nodded, "I did. I still do and I think I always will."
"Do you miss her?"
Elliot paused before stating, "I do. I try not to think of her too often, it just hurts and makes it harder to move forward."
"Do you love her?"
Elliot didn't say anything.
"Elliot, do you love Olivia?"
He didn't answer.
May 23rd 2013 - the apartment of Elliot and Kathy Stabler - 6:45pm
Their new apartment was packed wall to wall with boxes. The 4 oldest Stabler kids had emptied the U-Haul full of their parent's belongings in less than 2 hours. Kathy placed a pizza order for everyone's favorites to thank them for the assistance but the kids didn't even want a thank you, they were just relieved to have their parents back in the states to stay.
Elliot and Kathy had been hesitant to settle back down so quickly, but he'd needed consistency with his therapy, so they'd spent a pretty penny on hotels before deciding to sign a one year lease and reevaluate their travel plans later.
"We'll always have Paris." Kathy remarked sentimentally. She didn't argue when he'd suggested it. She knew it would be good for Eli to be enrolled back in public school for his Kindergarten year so he could socialize with children his own age. Kathy also found that she wanted to return to the workforce and would take advantage of the opportunity to find a job now that they had a permanent address.
After a few weeks of touring different apartments to see what they liked, they settled on a 3 bed, 2 bath in Little Neck. It was close enough to all of the older kids that Elliot and Kathy could visit them often, yet far enough from Manhattan that Elliot didn't worry about running into former coworkers or perps.
"Richard, do you mind helping me with the TV? These instructions don't make a damn bit of sense." Elliot grumbled.
His son laughed and nodded, joining him next to the newly-mounted television and taking the instructions from his father's hands. He inspected the manual and the cable box, everything was plugged in correctly from what he could see. Then he noticed his father had failed to plug in the power cord. Laughing, he reached over and plugged the cord into the wall. The TV started booting up and Elliot patted him on the back appreciatively.
"Cable's all good to go, we can watch a movie once our pizza gets here." he announced and was met with enthusiastic whooping from his tired, hungry kids.
Kathy sat on the couch with Eli as the girls brought in the last of the boxes and Richard started assembling an Ikea dresser they'd had delivered. The scene was cozy and domestic and made Elliot feel blanketed in familial love. He felt like they belonged exactly where they were, him and Kathy and their 5 children. The move to Little Neck was big for them and Elliot was at peace with the decision. Therapy helped him realize that a fresh start didn't include running as fast as possible away from everything you've known.
Life was good. He felt truly happy.
If only it could last.
The TV finally booted up and filled their living room with sound. Elliot wasn't paying much attention at first, he was hyper focused on trying to remove duct tape from their box of plates and cups since they would need something to eat off of when the pizza arrived. The breaking news announcement caught his attention and he looked up to see what was happening.
To his horror, half of the screen filled with a photo of the last person he ever expected to see. Olivia's police headshot stared back at him and Elliot shot up from the couch and walked closer to the television, his legs moving him automatically. Kathy gasped behind him and the conversations of their children halted instantly.
"Auntie Liv's on TV!" Eli exclaimed happily. Kathy wrapped her arm around the boy's shoulders and gently shushed him, unable to take her eyes off of the television.
"Breaking News tonight out of Manhattan. The search continues for missing NYPD Detective Olivia Benson. Benson, who is 25 weeks pregnant, has not been seen or heard from since Tuesday, May 21st." Elliot grabbed his chest, he felt like he was having a heart attack. He reached for the wall and held on for dear life as his knees gave out beneath him. His lungs weren't working and his throat was closed up from panic. "She was reported missing this afternoon when her apartment was discovered ransacked. It's suspected by law enforcement that she was abducted by 34 year old William Lewis, an accused rapist and murderer who is currently out on bail…."
"No, oh my God, Olivia." Kathleen gasped from behind him.
Elliot was frozen on his knees as the newscaster's words rapidly bounced around in his head.
Pregnant.
Missing.
Ransacked.
Abductor.
Rapist.
Murderer.
Pregnant.
25 weeks pregnant.
25 weeks pregnant.
25 weeks…
25. weeks.
It hit him like a freight train, the realization, the guilt, the terror, the desperation.
He didn't have a calendar in front of him but he was sure, he'd never been more sure than anything else.
Olivia was pregnant and the baby was his.
Not only that, but Olivia and his baby were in grave danger. They were missing.
The adrenaline finally kicked in and his body started working again. He pulled himself up off the floor and tried not to throw up all over the hardwood floors of their new apartment. Kathy was standing in front of him, he didn't remember her walking over to him.
She had done the math too, he could tell by the look in her eyes. She was horrified, anxious, and struggling not to cry. She handed him his phone, key and jacket and quietly urged, "Go. Help find Liv. Please keep us updated."
Elliot gratefully took the items from her, teeth chattering and his fingers numb. His mind was on overdrive. He needed to call Cragen, to get in the car, to drive somewhere, wherever they were searching.
His children were all sitting down now, each of them looking as if they'd been slapped. His fatherly instincts told him to say some words of comfort, but he shook it away. He'd comfort them later, he promised himself. This wasn't the time.
He dialed a familiar number on his phone and headed toward the door.
"Don, it's me. Tell me what you know."
Ahhh! This was crazy to write, I hope ya'll like it because this truly was a labor of love. If you see any typos, please let me know and I'll edit. I don't have a beta and I busted my buns to get this chapter out since I made you guys wait so long for the last one.
Also, I'm not one to beg for reviews but this was 10000 words and I wrote it like crazy this week so I feel like I'm allowed this one time to beg. If you want to make me smile and give me dopamine, comment literally anything and I'll be so thrilled. I'm especially open to name suggestions for little baby Bensler. Thank you for reading! I have the best readers.