Fear and Pride

"Careful!"

"Don't worry, Asuma, it's fine. I feel a lot better already."

That was a lie if Kurenai ever told one. After days of lying still in her hospital bed, she finally had enough feeling in her limbs to move again. The catch? With the feeling also came an excruciating amount of pain. Being upright again for the first time since her return to the village, she slowly hobbled forward on her crutches, every joint in her body aching as she moved, but she gritted her teeth and powered through it. She needed to move around or else it would be bad for her muscles, but she was still weak from the fake death, and the scar on her abdomen also didn't grow tired of reminding her that it was still there.

Next to her, Asuma followed her with his arms slightly raised, ready to catch her should she fall. She had a feeling that deep down, he saw through her act.

"Just don't overdo it, okay? Just start slowly, and tonight, we'll go for a nice dinner, just the two of us. How does that sound?"

Kurenai smiled. It sounded nice.

They were barely out of the hospital when her senses rang alarm, but her body was to slow react when something white and fluffy collided with her face. With the help of her crutches, she managed to remain standing, and shortly after, it climbed over to her shoulder. With a happy yip, it started to lick her cheek.

"Akamaru?" she finally realized.

"I couldn't stop him, Kurenai-sensei, he was just too excited to finally see you again," Kiba apologized as he lifted his dog off of her.

"We're sorry we never visited. But e-every time we were free you were already asleep," Hinata explained. Had her stutter improved? She also wasn't standing hunched over anymore and it was also the first time Kurenai saw her without that baggy jacket she was usually wearing.

"Yes, we didn't have a lot of free time on our hands over the last few days. Why, you ask? Because"-

"It's fine, Shino, don't sweat it," she assured him. "Honestly, I'm just glad that you are all fine. Especially you, Hinata, is everything good?"

"Yes, Shino had already managed to get rid of m-most of the poison. I just needed to rest a b-bit."

"That's good to hear. Well then, as you can see, I'm not yet at the point where I can take you on missions, but that doesn't mean that I can't do anything with you."

If that disaster of a mission had shown her one thing, it was that she had been too content with the kids' skills and had neglected turning them into a functioning unit.

"I will do my best to recover as fast as I can, and I will do what I can until then. So how about you bring me up to speed on what you were doing the last couple of days?"

"Yes!" all three said in unison, although Hinata and Shino did so obviously more restrained than Kiba. Still, to her surprise, it seemed like their chemistry had improved notably.

"We're finally back!" Sakura proclaimed as after the sustained sprint Tanya had put them through, the Gates of the Hidden Leaf village came into sight. Normally, Naruto would've shouted the same thing even louder, but today, he was quiet. The memory of what had happened in the Land of Bears two days prior was still present in his mind. But it also reinforced his resolve to fulfill the promise he had made in that moment.

They hadn't reached the village quite yet when Tanya suddenly called for a halt.

"Before we separate," the young sensei addressed them, "there is one more thing we need to discuss. About two months from now the Chūnin exams will be held in the Hidden Leaf Village."

Instantly, she had Naruto's attention.

"Now, usually, you cannot enter the exam unless you have been a Genin in active service for at least a year. However, there is an exception: if your Jōnin-sensei gives you their recommendation, you can bypass-"

"YES!" Naruto couldn't stop his excitement. The weight on his mind was blown away at this point. The Chūnin exams! Finally, he could take the next step on his way to becoming Hokage! "You're going to recommend us, right?" She had to, why else would she bring it up? And who else would be qualified if not-

"Obviously I won't," Tanya sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Huh? Why not?!"

"All of you, be honest. Do you think you are ready for the exam?"

"Heck yeah I am!"

She didn't comment on that and instead looked at Sasuke. The black-haired boy's gaze hardened. "Yes," he stated determined. Tanya then shifted her attention to their last teammate.

"I, um, I don't… know." Sakura seemed less enthusiastic for some reason.

"Two yes and one maybe. Then let's put that to the test, shall we?"

A test, huh? Fine, bring it on! I'll show you that I'm ready!

Tanya walked a bit away and explained her test.

"Alright, the rules are simple: come over and touch me. I will not dodge, run away, fight back, or use any jutsu. If you can do that, you pass, and I will recommend you no questions asked."

"That's all?" Naruto asked confused.

"That's all."

How the hell is that a test? Where is the catch?

Looking at his teammates, both Sakura and Sasuke seemed equally confused. He threw a suspicious gaze at their sensei, but Tanya just stood there straight, arms behind her back, eyes closed.

"Ready?"

All three went into position, preparing to charge at the golden-haired girl.

"Then…"

Suddenly, her big, blue eyes opened wide. She changed to a broader stance, spread her arms, bend forward a bit, and let an almost impossibly large, mad grin slice her face from ear to ear.

"…COME AT ME!"

Naruto, who had just been about to start running, stopped dead in his tracks. He felt a wave of heat and cold wash over him simultaneously, he started to sweat like a river, and he sensed a massive pressure being exerted on his mind as if he feared for his life. Breathing became so difficult that he had to gasp for air. He should know that he was in no actual danger, but the part of his brain responsible for rational thought was currently knocked out cold.

But there also was something else. Somewhere, deep in his mind, there was a part of him that refused to give up. He gritted his teeth so hard that his jaw started to hurt and clenched his fist. With shaking legs, he raised his right foot and took a step forward. It almost felt like he was fighting a storm, but he pushed through and with great effort managed to take another step.

"That's enough."

Tanya returned to a neutral expression, and in an instant, the pressure vanished. Naruto stumbled from the sudden relief but caught himself. His heart rate was still at 180 though.

"I must admit, you did better than I expected, Naruto," his young sensei commended him. "To be honest, I'm surprised that you are the one still standing."

He was confused about what she meant by that when he suddenly noticed a putrid smell. Looking to his side, he saw that Sakura had collapsed to her knees, and the remains of her half-digested rations were in front of her on the ground. Sasuke was fairing slightly better, as he had fallen onto his butt, Sharingan active, but still breathing like he had run a marathon.

"What the hell was that?!" Naruto finally found his voice. "You said you wouldn't attack, what was that Genjutsu then?!"

"That wasn't… a Genjutsu," Sasuke panted and deactivated his Sharingan. "That… was pure… killing intent."

"He's right," Tanya affirmed. "What you just felt was no illusion, it was simply fear. You know how you can sometimes feel an attack coming merely by intuition? That is your battle sense - a byproduct of your training that will get better the more experience you gather - letting feel the killing intent directed at you. But if your mind isn't strong enough to withstand the sensation, it can trigger the more animalistic parts of your brain and make you lock up in fear."

She put her hands behind her back and started to pace around them.

"Fear is good. It keeps you alive. There is no shame in retreating when you are outmatched. On the other hand, if you let your fear control you, it will be your undoing. It seems Naruto has better strength of will than you two, but 'better than the rest' doesn't mean good enough. None of you can overcome your fear, yet you think you are ready to be Chūnin? Laughable!"

Her killing intent is strong enough to cause this?! I take everything back; this chick is absolutely batshit insane!

She stopped and focused her eyes on the trio.

"During the bell test, while we have a lot of freedom, there are certain things we are not supposed to do. While part of your Genin team, we are to look out for you. But in the Chūnin exam, the gloves are off. No one will keep you safe, and your death will be a real possibility. Is that clear?"

All three nodded.

"Now, obviously, I wouldn't have brought up the exam if I didn't have any plans for it. You aren't ready, I stand by that, but the exam isn't tomorrow. I can only recommend you if you have eight or more successful missions to your name, a requirement we now have fulfilled. From now on, we will do in-depth exam preparation. If, and only if I deem you ready afterward will I recommend you. Be ready, because starting tomorrow, every second will be training!"

With an uneasy feeling, Sakura watched her two teammates leave. Despite Tanya's harsh words, Naruto was visibly pumped, and even Sasuke was smiling enthusiastically, a rare sight. It looked cute. But that wasn't what was on her mind right now. Looking back at everything they had been through together, it was clear that Sasuke's skills were great. And were it not for his childish demeanor, she almost wouldn't recognize Naruto as the dead-last class clown from the academy. But she herself… was she really Chūnin material?

Going back to a thought she had pondered over for the last weeks, she took a deep breath and made a decision.

"Tanya-sensei!"

The young sensei, who had been about to leave, halted and turned towards her.

"Yes?"

"I know you probably have our training already planned out, but… could increase mine a bit?"

The blonde cocked her head.

"Where did that come from?"

"It's just… when we're on missions, I'm always the one who does the least. I see how Naruto and Sasuke develop and… I'm scared of being left behind. I don't want to be someone they have to look after."

"And that is your reason?"

"Yes."

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Wh-what?"

Sakura was taken aback by her sensei's sudden outburst. She had apparently angered her, but she didn't understand how.

"That is your motivation? To not be a burden on your team? If so, there is an easier way to achieve that! Follow your father's footsteps and quit! Being a ninja is not some sport where you just have to do your best! It is a fight for your life, and ninja with such weak willpower only awaits one thing: death!"

Was she right? Was that really all her resolve amounted to? Should she really quit like her parents always wanted her to?

Of course not! her inner self shouted. Tell her, girl!

"That… that's not what I meant."

"Then what is it?!"

"I…"

She recalled the fear she had felt when Tanya-sensei released her killing intent a few minutes ago. The feeling of powerlessness when she had thought Kurenai-sensei was dead. And how she wouldn't have even become a ninja if Naruto and Sasuke hadn't rekindled her resolve.

"I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be someone who never has to turn her back to others. Someone who never can't do anything about a situation because she reached her limit. Someone my friends can rely on! Some who can proudly call herself a ninja of the Hidden Leaf Village!"

She didn't realize that she had started shouting halfway through. Once she was done, Tanya-sensei went back to her usual neutral expression.

"Fine. But I still have to ask: are you sure? Because I already planned to not pull any punches, and it would be more than enough to make you Chūnin material. If you really want me to one-up that, you are not in for a good time."

"I know."

"No, you do not. I'm not joking, Sakura. I have seen grown men break under my training."

Sakura gulped.

"And… the ones that didn't break? That pulled through?"

The golden-haired girl took her time to answer. When she spoke again, she almost seemed… nostalgic?

"Those became… formidable. They turned into great soldiers. Men I was truly proud of."

"Then I am sure, yes."

A wide grin appeared on Tanya's face.

"Very well. Go home and get everything sorted, because you won't see the village again in the next two months!"

Sakura followed her sensei's advice and reached her house shortly after. It was early in the evening and judging by the two pairs of shoes she saw after opening the door, both her parents were already home.

"I'm back!" she called, making her mother peek into the corridor.

"Sakura! Oh, finally, I was-"

Her greeting got interrupted as she suddenly recoiled.

"Oh boy, you need a shower."

Sakura couldn't help but chuckle at the reaction. Even if she felt a bit gross, Tanya-sensei was right that it would be better if she got used to it.

"Yeah, I was on the road for a while. I don't even want to know how my hair looks right now."

Unfortunately, her mother didn't see it quite as humorous as she did.

"I told you being a ninja was a barbaric profession unbecoming of a lady. Just look at… or smell yourself, is this really what you want to do with your life? You're still young, with a mind like yours, you could easily-"

"Mom," Sakura interrupted her. "Don't. Please."

It wasn't until she was sitting in a hot bath, enjoying the tension from the last days finally leaving her body, that it hit her: she had just interrupted her mother.

Sure, the Haruno household sometimes had disagreements, especially when it came it came to her career as a shinobi. And occasionally, the arguments got heated. Especially when the arguments were about her career as a shinobi. But she couldn't recall ever interrupting her parents during that.

More so, while her mother had still been speaking, she had felt herself get surprisingly angry. Yes, she could get worked up quite fast sometimes, but just now she had gotten legitimately angry.

"Is Tanya-sensei starting to rub off on me?" she wondered aloud. She left the bath soon after, feeling both clean and refreshed.

"Dinner will be ready in an hour," her mother told her as she walked through the living room. Her tone was mostly neutral, but Sakura thought she could hear a very faint bitter undertone that made her feel a bit bad. Maybe she should apologize?

For what though?

Well, she had been a bit rude.

And? She started it.

"So," her father chimed in from the couch, either oblivious to the subtle tensions or just simply ignoring them, "How was the mission? We were a bit worried since you were gone for quite a while. Want to tell us about it?"

Sakura eyed the man who had always been just barely more supportive of her career choice than his wife. His question made her remember the guy Tanya had exploded. No, she really didn't want to talk about it. Her inner self shuddered just thinking about it. Externally, she merely shrugged.

"Nothing happened on the mission. We literally just walked the client to his destination in the Land of Bears, that was it." Technically true, the entire mess with the Star Ninja only happened once the mission was over. "I'll be in my room."

Once upstairs, Sakura quickly prepared everything she would take with her. Once done decided that the rest of the hour before dinner was more than enough time to already start with her solo exercises. Though just as she thought that, she realized Tanya hadn't given her any. So far, whenever they had parted ways, Tanya had given each of them something to do until their next meeting. But this time, she had merely told her to get everything organized. Unlike Naruto and Sasuke she didn't live alone, so other than telling her parents there wasn't really anything for her to do in that regard. In other words, she now had time free. She could just relax a bit, but to the current her this kind of felt like a waste of time.

In the end, she opted to simply go with her morning routine. Sitting down cross-legged in her bed, she closed her eyes and concentrated on the chakra flowing through her body. It was an exercise meant to widen her chakra coils, allowing her to use more chakra at once in the short term and increasing her overall amount in the long term. And as far as she could tell, the two months she had so far spent with Tanya-sensei were starting to show results. She was no sensor, so she couldn't feel the chakra in others and didn't have a reference for how much chakra was normal, but she did feel like she was slowly but steadily improving. She was probably still lagging behind though. How had Tanya-sensei said it when she had shown her the exercise?

"The best time to start with this was four years ago. The second-best time is now."

Sakura chuckled slightly. She had no idea where her sensei had heard such a phrase, but it was a good one. But it wasn't important right now, so she focused on the exercise again. Time practically flew by and shortly after, her mother called her for dinner.

It was fairly normal, but after many days of nothing but rations, granola bars, and occasionally hunted game, it was a very welcome normal. And considering Tanya-sensei's announcement, she would likely return to that tomorrow.

Well, I guess that is part of being a shinobi.

Lost in thought, she was already finished with her meal when she realized that her mother had been talking, who knew for how long. Probably not directly with her, otherwise she would've realized that she wasn't listening.

"… and never know how long it will take. But at least you are home for now."

"Actually," Sakura corrected, "I'll depart again tomorrow. And I won't be back for two months."

"Two months?! What in the world are you doing this long?!"

"Isn't it a bit much to accept such a long mission right after returning?" her father added. Sakura shook her head.

"It's not a mission or anything like that."

That seemed to calm them down a bit, but their expressions now showed confusion.

"Then… what are you doing for two whole months?"

"Training. Tanya-sensei wants to make sure we aren't getting distracted while she prepares us for the Chūnin exa-"

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Sakura's mother shouted- no, screamed furiously, surprising the pinkette.

"Sakura, do you even know what you are talking about?" Her father was quieter, but no less appalled. "There is a reason why I never made it past Genin when I was still active. This isn't just some simple test like in the academy, you could literally die there!"

"I know, that's-"

"Then why would you throw your life away like that?!" her mother didn't let her finish. "If you for whatever unfathomable reason have to insist on following this barbaric profession, you could at least do the safer aspects of it!"

"I'm NOT throwing my life away!" Sakura hadn't wanted to become loud, but she was starting to see red. Why? She had accepted that her parents wouldn't support her, why couldn't they just accept that this was the path she had chosen for herself? "Tanya-sensei explicitly said that she wouldn't let us take the exam unless she was convinced we were ready for it! Hence the two months!"

"Didn't you say your sensei was barely older than you?! I was fine with it when you were chasing cats, but why in the world would I trust the opinion of some brat over my daughter's life?!"

If looks could kill, the one Sakura now gave her mother absolutely would. Yes, Tanya had her antics. Depending on the circumstances she could be cruel, merciless, or downright sadistic. Frankly put, Sakura was scared of her. But paradoxically, she also felt safe whenever she was with her sensei. When push came to shove, Tanya had proved her competence time and time again, and her skill and her achievements were nothing short of awe-inspiring. Over the course of the last two months, despite her wariness toward the golden-haired girl, Sakura had come to admire her. Greatly.

"Tanya-sensei is not a 'brat', she is one of the strongest Jōnin in the village and an amazing woman!"

"… that might be," her father said after a few seconds of silence. "There sometimes are cases of young geniuses. But that doesn't make them good teachers. Aren't you afraid that she will overestimate your abilities and send you into something you are not ready for? I know you are smart, but…"

"But you aren't like those prodigies from the clans, you are just an ordinary girl!" her mother finished.

"What would you guys know about my abilities, it's not like either of you ever cared! And Tanya-sensei is a GREAT teacher! She is highly capable, knows more than the academy teachers combined, and ALWAYS makes sure that we are up to her standards!"

Fuming, Sakura stood up and walked to the stairs. She needed to get out of there before she said something she would later regret.

"You stay here, young lady, I am not done!"

"But I am," Sakura countered without turning around. "I will leave early in the morning, so you will likely be still asleep."

"Sakura Haruno, you will sit down this instant! You will not go on this trip, and you will not partake in the exam, I won't allow it! You are-"

For the first time in her life, Sakura could feel her anger literally boil over. She was about she scream an answer when she noticed something strange. Why had her mother suddenly stopped talking mind-sentence?

And why was she suddenly staring at her with wide eyes?

Actually, scratch that, why could Sakura even see her mother's face? When had she turned around?

Why was her arm stretched out?

Why was there a kunai stuck in the dinner table?

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait!

The realization hit her like a bag of bricks and made a wave of cold wash over her body. Cold sweat started to form as she felt her heart beat heavily in her throat.

Shitshitshit, what had she done? What in the world had overcome her to throw a kunai at her parents just to shut them up?!

Well, not at her parents. She had thrown it at the table between them, and her Bukijutsu was good enough that the chances of her accidentally hitting either of them were exactly zero, so it was basically just…

No, that wasn't the point! She needed to salvage the situation, quickly!

Painful seconds passed in absolute silence while all three members of the Haruno household just stared at each other frozen in place. Why wasn't Sakura saying anything?

Finally, her body moved. Not her mouth though, but her legs. The room was still quiet, all that was heard were her steps as she slowly walked over to the table and pulled the blade out of the wood with a quick yank. She still wasn't saying anything.

She put the kunai in the sheath on her leg. She had always used to take it off when she was home, she hadn't noticed that she was still wearing it. Then again, why should she take it off? It wasn't like someone who wanted to attack her wouldn't do so just because she was at home. She was a shinobi, she had a duty to always stay vigilant.

Why was she thinking about that now?! She still needed to apologize!

She turned around.

She still hadn't said something.

She started to walk, deafening silence her companion.

She had to say something.

She reached the stairs.

She had to say something!

She stopped. She opened her mouth.

"… I'll see you in two months."