Jesse, Stacie, and other Dalliances

Beca never intended to speak to her children regarding sex. Ever. They had Chloe if they had questions – and Beca was barely comfortable thinking about it, let alone communicating about the act. So when Chloe approached her during the twins' sophomore year of college about the subject, she was aghast.

They were getting ready for bed. Beca knew Chloe had something on her mind because she put her book aside the moment her wife climbed under the covers. "What's up?" Beca asked, curling onto her side and facing Chloe.

"Have you talked to Bella about Alex?"

"What about Alex?"

"Are they sleeping together?"

"What!? No! Chloe," she admonished with a groan. She tried to get back out of bed, but her wife was ready for her, trapping her there by sitting on top of her.

"It's a reasonable question," Chloe reminded her. "They've been together for over a year. And Bella is so hesitant about physical touch – she's probably nervous about it. If it hasn't happened already."

"I don't think this is really our business," Beca told her. "I don't want to think about this."

Chloe smiled at her gently. "Think about how nervous you were when we first started dating. You had Stacie to talk to – but wouldn't it have been nice to have your mom to talk to?"

"No," Beca said shortly, making a face of incredulity. "No, Chloe. It's unnecessary sharing. Seriously, do people really have conversations about these things?"

"You know they do," Chloe said with a doting smile. "I've talked to Poppy."

"Oh dear lord," Beca groaned. "Don't tell me anything. I already know too much about Poppy's sex life."

"Beca," Chloe said softly. "Calm down and listen to me." She waited for her wife to stop making faces before continuing. "I tried to talk to Bella. She shut me down."

"I think that's reasonable," Beca responded emphatically. "It's what I would do."

"I know," she responded with a wry look. "It's why we're talking, Rebecca. The way she spoke about it – even in the moment before she told me pretty much to take a hike – told me that she's really frightened."

"What help am I going to be?"

"You won't know until you try."

Two weeks later, Beca found herself alone with the younger twin. They were in the living room, both reading. Poppy was staying at the Bellas' house that night while Chloe, Vera, and Dahlia were out seeing a movie. Beca knew if she didn't at least try to broach the looming subject, Chloe would be disappointed, if not miffed. She preferred her wife not giving her the cold shoulder.

Bella eventually took a break and set her book aside. "I'm going to get a cup of tea. Do you want one?"

"Sure. Thank you," Beca answered, setting aside the book she hadn't been reading for the prior half an hour. She waited until Bella returned and accepted the steaming mug. "What are you reading?"

Bella shrugged. "The Rape of the Lock," she answered. "It's for class. It's better than it sounds. It's kind of funny; a parody. But it was written in the 1700s, so it takes some time to understand the funny."

Beca scrunched up her nose. "That sounds too deep for me."

Bella laughed. "At the rate you're reading The Song of Ice and Fire books," she said, gesturing to the book that her mother had set aside, "you don't have time to consider other reading."

"Hey!" Beca said. "This is a reread, thank you very much." They sat in silence while sipping tea, Bella waiting for her mother to speak.

"There is no good way to do this, so let me jump in. Your mom wants me to talk to you about something –"

"I am not having sex," Bella informed her firmly.

"Oh, God, thank you," Beca said, sighing in relief. But after a pause she shook her head. "But that's probably not going to be a good enough answer for her. So – do you want to?" she asked, her expression pained to the point that her daughter almost laughed.

"No. Really, Mama. This is not a necessary conversation."

"Normally, I'd agree with you. But you don't have to live with your mother for the rest of your life. I do. So, even though I'd rather be doing just about anything else, I have to ask. Are you worried about it?"

Bella was silent. At first, Beca thought she was refusing to answer. She then realized that her daughter was trying to organize her thoughts. "How could I not be?"

Beca shrugged as she considered her response. "I don't know. I'm still afraid of it. More than two decades later. And I've done it. A lot, I think. I really have no frame of reference."

"Thanks, Mama," Bella said sarcastically, "that makes me feel so much better."

Beca sighed and ran her hands over her face, then through her hair. "I'm sorry. I am the worst person in the world to offer any kind of advice on sex. But seriously, Bells. There are people who can help. Your mom, Aunt Stacie. It's not something you have to be anxious about. And trust me, ignoring it does not make it go away." That statement clearly interested her daughter.

"Did you try to ignore it?"

Beca nodded. "I did. I tried to force myself to just do it – even though I knew I wasn't ready. It went very badly."

"How so?"

"Well, it didn't help my relationship with Jesse. He didn't understand any more than I did. It wasn't the only reason we broke up, but it certainly didn't help."

Bella made a face. "I forgot you dated Uncle Jesse. That's just weird."

"It wasn't, at the time," Beca said. "But I wasn't right for him. I was not at all interested in being intimate with him. It took me awhile to realize that part of the reason was not just intimacy itself, but the – anatomy – involved."

"Mama!"

"It's not my fault! It's not like I called it what it was."

"Mama!"

"They all have them."

"I don't like to think about that."

"Neither do I."

"Can we please drop it, then?

"Sure," Beca said. "Besides, that wasn't the biggest problem. The biggest problem was the intimacy. And that has no gender or sex. It was with me no matter who I dated."

"What did you do?"

"Well, I had options. I could try to get help for my issues. Or I could let your mom go. Because it wasn't fair to keep her from ever having an intimate relationship."

"How did you get help for it?"

Beca shrugged. "I saw a therapist who specialized in it for a long time – sometimes on my own, sometimes with your mom. It helped a lot. I don't think I would have made it without that intervention. I was terrified. Scared enough to be alone rather than deal with it."

"I don't want to be alone," Bella said.

"I'm not comparing our situations," Beca said. "I'm just telling you that if you are worried about it, there are people who can help – and you can talk about it. Because you deserve not to be worried about it. And you deserve not to miss out on a relationship that makes you happy just because you're scared." Bella nodded.

They sat in silence for a long time. "Did you ever sleep with Uncle Jesse?"

Beca blanched at the question. "When did this become about me?"

"Is it a secret?"

"Of course not," Beca responded. "I don't know. I suppose I did. Kind of."

"Kind of?"

"We didn't ever get very far. I was terrified of intimacy – I was gay and not admitting it – and I had a medical problem that I didn't know about at that point that made any attempts physically painful. So, we didn't get very far. I would say he probably had sex with me a handful of times. I'm not sure if I ever really got there with him."

"How in the hell did you stay friends?" She paused. "How did you even look at him again?"

Beca shrugged. "He's a persistent little bugger. Staying away from him wasn't an option he left room for. But we were always better friends than we were in a relationship. We've always loved each other – and Jesse is a good guy. Most guys would have taken it personally – he was very kind, and as understanding as a 20-some year-old guy can be."

"So why did you break up?"

Beca shrugged. "He loved me and saw more of a future with me than I saw with him. I loved him – but not in the way he needed me to. And apparently, I was in a relationship with your mom already and didn't know it."

Bella laughed. "That sounds like something that could happen to you." Beca glared at her, but not harshly. She smiled. It had worked out in the end.

"So, you never slept with anyone but Uncle Jesse and Mom?"

Beca's eyes widened and she stood, picking up her teacup. "I think we've had enough of this conversation."

Bella eyed her carefully. "Was there someone else?"

Beca sighed. "Someone in between. But it wasn't serious. It was just a friend, trying to help the situation."

"How does a friend help with that situation?"

"Stacie was very confident and had a lot of experience – she thought she could help me be less frightened. It worked, a little bit, for a little while."

"You slept with Aunt Stacie!?" Bella cried. "What the hell, Mama?"

"What?" Beca asked. "Neither of us were dating anyone officially. Well, I technically was dating Jessie. But he doesn't seem to mind that it happened. So no harm done. And you have to admit, your Aunt Stacie was pretty attractive."

"I don't want to think about that, thank you very much. I cannot believe you slept with Aunt Stacie."

"It wasn't a lot," Beca said. "But for a few weeks, yes." She walked to the kitchen but Bella followed her.

"Does Mom know?"

"Yes," Beca told her. "They talked about it once. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me."

"You've slept with both members of a married couple. Isn't that weird?"

"No," Beca said. "Because it was a very long time ago. It was two different situations at two different times. And for very different reasons." She turned to look her daughter straight in the eye. "If she share any of this information, I will disinherit you."

Bella laughed. "Keep telling yourself that, mama. Don't worry – you can tell Mom that you talked to me and I'm fine."

"Thank God. May we never talk about this again."

"I'm cool with that." They spent the rest of the evening reading their books and ignoring one another in companionable silence.