Casey is serving a long line of customers at the Lemon. "Okay. Three lemon whirlies and a blueberry sledge coming right up." He working as fast as possible to get the drinks out.
"Sir? Sir?" Stuart asked. "Why are you looking the other way?"
Casey is looking the other way because he has to concentrate on what he's doing by throwing the plastic cups by the smoothie machine. "I'll be right with you!"
"Excuse me?" A female customer said.
"Okay. You wanted two lemonades, right?" Casey asked another customer.
"I can't believe it." A blond-haired teenage boy with part of his hair covering his right eye complained, irritated with the line.
"No." A bespectacled female usher answered.
"Hey!" Stuart yelled.
"I said, I'll be right with you!" Casey said irritably, while filling up the order.
"God!" The blond boy said.
"Hey!" Stuart yelled again.
"This–" A punk girl with an orange mohawk and an ear and nose piercings grunted.
"Look–" The female usher said.
"I'm blending as fast as I can!" Casey yelled.
The customers start to whirl before him, and their complaints blend together into a soup. Until Casey loses it.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's it! I can't take it anymore! Find your own damn juice!" Casey screamed, and then slams the Big Squeeze shut, depriving the customers of their drinks.
A while later, the Big Squeeze is still shut. Nick is sitting at the gang's usual table, reading a comic book, with his feet on the table. Casey opens up the Lemon a crack.
"Psst! Nick!" Casey whispers. "Are the customers gone?"
"Yeah, they gave up a while ago." Nick said, not taking his eyes off the comic.
Casey sighs. "Finally." He opens the Lemon. "I thought they'd never leave." He opens the smoothie machine to clean it out with a spatula. "There must be more to life than this. I mean, I have so much to offer the world! My talent with accessories–"
"Mmm." Nick ignores.
"My best romantic-comedy movies of all time collection of DVDs–" Casey continued.
"Mmm." Nick still trying to ignore Casey.
"My encyclopedic knowledge of all the different shades of pink that guys can pull off?"
That got Nick's attention. "Uh-huh." He puts his feet down and gets up. "You know my policy: whenever I hear you talk about pink things for guys, I leave the area immediately." He performs this policy.
"Fine! Go then. I'll just go back to scooping crud from a smoothie machine!" Casey said. He picks up a green wastebasket to dump in what he's scraping out of the smoothie machine. Ugh, this sucks! If I hear one more customer call me sir, I'm seriously gonna go postal!"
"Sir?"
Casey seethes and turns around, spatula raised, ready to seriously injure this offender. Only to see it's a girl with dark hair and tan skin.
"Could I have a lemon smoothie, please?" she asked.
Casey stops and smiles. This customer is a very pretty girl.
"Hel-lo." Casey giggles flirtatiously. Then he throws the spatula away so he can talk to the girl more normally. "Hey. I'm Casey. I work here."
"Yeah. I guessed that. I'm Jess." she said.
"I know. You go to my school and work at the Willows & Williams on Level 3 on Thursdays and Saturdays. So..." Casey leans in, accidentally putting his hand on the cash register.
"So...about that smoothie?" Jess asked.
"You wanna go for one? I'm supposed to be on for the next hour, but what the hell." Casey said as he was about to take off his lemon hat.
"Actually, I meant the one I ordered." Jess stated.
"Oh...right." Casey said sheepishly, as she puts her hat back on.
"You know, don't worry about it." Jess looks at her watch. "I'm already late. See ya."
Jess leaves. Casey sadly watches her go before turning around and running into the open smoothie machine.
"Way to go. That was really smooth." He walks out of the Lemon with a mop to clean the floor. "Could this get any worse?"
Casey steps in a puddle of spilled lemon drink and slips, falling on his butt. "OW!" He sits up and rubs his behind. "Me and my big mouth."
Josie arrives, carrying several leaflets. "Check it out! I just scored the best gig at the mall."
Casey gets up and starts mopping. "Right. Just rub it in, why don't you."
Josie plastered the Big Squeeze with a lot of leaflets. "I'm gonna leave a few of these with you. Tell your customers!"
Josie leaves, and Wendy walks up. She takes a seat at their table.
"Hey Case. What's up?" Wendy asked.
"My life sucks, that's what! I need something to inspire me." Casey said.
"What's that flier for?" Wendy asked.
"Just some new job Josie has. Ugh, I hate it when people stick things to my lemon." Casey picks up a flier. "What's she up to this week?" He wondered while reading the flier. "Do you need to be inspired? Swami Bindi has the answers."
"Not one of those self-help gurus." Wendy complained.
"No, listen! It says he's helped millions discover their inner power. And he'll be here tomorrow!" Casey said.
"It's just a big scam. You can't make your life better." Wendy said.
"I work in a giant lemon, Wendy." Casey said. "I just embarrassed myself in front of yet another girl. He can't make it worse. It's time for a little positive change."
A large crowd has gathered to see the swami. Backstage, Josie peers out. She's on the phone, speaking to the swami who's a no-show.
"You can't do this to me! I have a huge crowd waiting to hear your stupid words of wisdom! What do you mean you're too depressed to leave your hotel room? We're paying for that hotel room! Listen, you better haul your swami butt down here, or I'm gonna provide you with an out-of-body exper–" The swami hangs up. "Swami? Swami! God!"
June show up backstage. "Dudette, digging the funky curtains." Josie grabs her arm and pulls her forward. "Whoa, hey, easy bra. 'Sup?"
"I scored this wicked job booking special appearances and my first one just bailed on me. I'm so toast!" Josie said.
"Bummer. But look on the bright side." June said.
"What bright side?" Josie asked.
"I still like you." June gives Josie a hug while popping her foot.
"Girl, that just doesn't help me here, but I appreciate it." Josie then paces. "Ugh. I just can't believe Swami Bindi punked out on me."
"Only punks get punked, girl." June said.
"Aren't spiritual dudes like, bound to not do bad things, like cancel appearances?" Josie questioned.
"I dunno. Guess nobody's perfect." June shrugged.
"Focus, Josie, focus!" Josie said to herself. "What I need is somebody who can pretend to be a guru."
"You know what they say: the best glimpse of paradise is in that second before you bail. You'll think of something." June said.
"Somebody who can say stupid stuff that sounds profound enough to fool the crowd."
"Hey, did you know that gerbils and hamsters can't have babies together, but they both like lettuce?"
Josie realizes that she has the perfect guru. "Wise words, Swamini June."
"Thanks, I–" June just figured out what Josie's thinking. "Oh-ho-ho, no way dudette."
"I will owe you big time!" Josie said, grabbing June.
"But I'm not a salami!"
"Swamini!" Josie corrected.
"See? They'll never believe me!"
"Are you kidding? Those losers would believe anything!"
The "losers" have crowded in to hear the swami. Casey, Nick, Jerry, and two of the Clones Christian and Christof have seats in the front.
"Why did I let you drag me to this?" Nick asked. "I hope nobody sees me."
"He's the hottest motivational speaker in the country! I've gotta reverse my bad karma." Casey said.
"Look, I know things haven't exactly been going your way lately, but do you really think this guy has answers that you couldn't come up with on your own?" Jerry asked.
"He's too busy finding which of his shirts and pants match." Nick snarked.
"Nick!" Jerry berated.
"What? I'm kidding! Sort of." Nick said.
"Good clothing can open doors, you know." Casey said, then looked at Nick's clothes. "And it looks like you lost the key." Not liking that remark, Nick wanted to go to town with blondie, but then he shushed him. "Ssh! I think it's about to start."
"This better be worth my five bucks." Nick said.
Josie walked up on stage to the microphone to announce the swami, and reads through the card. "Ladies and gentlemen, you have all come here today seeking wisdom, fulfillment and spiritual guidance. A chance to change your sorry lives for the better. You will not be disappointed!"
"I already am." Nick muttered.
"Ssh!" Casey shushed Nick.
"Liars, cheaters, lazy bums, and general losers of all shapes and sizes, this is your day!" Josie said.
"Which one of those am I?" Casey wondered.
"Her advice has apparently helped millions of people just like yourselves. It is my pleasure to welcome...the Swamini!" Josie said.
June peeps out, dressed in a sash, turban, orange skirt, and brown sandals. The crowd gasps.
"Whoa..." June is amazed at the size of the crowd.
"June?!" Casey, Jerry, and Nick said in unison.
June finds her way to the microphone. "Um...hey dudes. I am Swamini June. Swami Bindi couldn't make it today because he uh, fell on his chakra, so he sent me instead, 'cause I'm, uh..."
"His apprentice!" Josie whispered from the wings.
"His appendage." June said incorrectly, making Josie facepalm. The crowd begins to laugh, and then start to murmur. "It's uh, cool to be here."
"June!" Nick said as he stood up. "Get off that stage, right now!"
"I, uh–" June started to leave but Josie shakes her fist threateningly. "Oh."
"Get off the stage!" Nick yelled. The crowd agrees with him as they grows louder with their complaints.
"Off the stage lady, get off the stage, bye bye." The female usher said.
"Skateboard park is in the back, girl!" Coach Halder yelled.
"But life is like a skateboard park, and the dudes and chicks are merely skaters." June said.
The crowd gasps, thinking that the fake swami may be onto something, and settles down.
"That's it, dude! More like that!" Josie whispered.
"I don't know any more like that! I didn't even know I knew that one!" June whispered back panicky.
"That... is so profound!" Casey said in awe.
"Oh, jeez." Jerry bemoaned.
"Here we go." Nick snarked.
"We're all actors. Some of us are like Keanu Reaves, or Elisha Cuthbert–" June said.
"Yes! That sounds like me! I'm Keanu Reaves!" Casey called out.
"–and some of us are big, aggressive, physically unappealing people who will never be more than character actors." June finished.
"Ooh! Yes!" Coach Halder said, grabbing the orange-mohawked punk girl next to her by the collar. "It's like she knows me!"
"You either get the role or you don't. I just say it's cool, man, I can dig it." June said.
The crowd cheers wildly and applauds.
"Yes! I get it!" Casey said, clapping. "Did you know she was so smart?"
"Whoa, uh, okay, never thought I'd hear that." Nick said, taken aback at that statement.
Josie returns onstage. "Okay everybody, Swamini June will now take your questions, don't be afraid, step up to the mike!"
June grabs Josie. "No way girl." she whispered.
"Yes way! Just say whatever comes into your mind! They're lapping it up!" Josie whispered.
The first to walk up to the mike is the Wonder Taco nerd Jules. "Um, how can I get a better job?"
"Being positive helps. Like, think of the doughnut and not the hole." June said.
"I'll apply at Gooey Cream Doughnuts! That's much cooler than Wonder Taco." Jules said happily and walks off.
"Okay then." June said.
"How can I get guys to dig me?" A blonde girl named Carly asked.
"Uh, try laying low and being hydrated, like the mud. Muddy, if you will."
"I see what you're saying, so like, I should start taking mud baths!" Carly realized, then walks off.
"Excellent, girl. Muddy on."
Next is Jerry's boss. "Coach Halder here! I feel like people never see the real me: a sensitive caring bundle of love. How can I be more open to the MVPs in my life?"
"I hear you, dude. It's kinda like a bald man with a hairy back. When he's got a shirt on, you'd think he didn't have any hair. But then you go swimming and it's like, whoa, a whole new dude. My advice? Swim dude. Swim like a fish."
Coach Halder quivers with emotion before ripping her shirt off, revealing an incredibly heavy physique and a large bra barely holding her large breasts. "Love me, world!" she yelled. "Love me."
The crowd gasps and everyone shields their eyes.
"I am a large bundle of love! I am!" Coach Halder yelled, running off gleefully.
Nick then takes the microphone. "Yo, swami."
"Um, yeah?" June asked nervously.
"Didn't I see you working at Stick It in the food court?"
The crowd gasps.
"I–" June uttered, until Nick was escorted by Ronnie the Rent-a-Cop.
"Hey!" Nick yelled but had his mouth covered by Ronnie.
Jonesy has a walkie-talkie in her hand. "Thanks for the pickup, Smokey." Then addresses to the crowd. "Who's next?"
Casey is next. "Okay, so I'm totally into this girl who doesn't know that I'm alive. What should I do, swamini?"
"Tell her you're alive. That's what I'd do first." June said.
"Whoa! I never thought of that! What a great idea!" Casey said, while writing it down on a notepad.
Josie steps back up to the microphone. "That's all for now. To purchase a transcript of today's show or a collection of wise sayings from Swamini June, see me backstage."
Josie then drags June backstage as the crowd cheers.
"That was kinda cool, having all those people listening to everything I said." June said.
Josie opens her laptop. "Yeah, now let's get to work!"
"But I just finished working."
"You heard me! We have to get some of your words of wisdom down on paper for all those suckers out there. Now start talking."
"'Kay. How about 'Always smell something before you bite it'?"
"Beautiful!" Josie types it up. "Okay. When confronted with change..."
"Uh, always bring a change purse?" June finished.
Josie types. "Gold, Jude, gold!"
"Don't stick your hand in a pony's mouth!" June added.
This made Josie stop for a moment. "Weird." Then resumes typing. "But who cares?"
A long line of people are waiting to buy stuff related to Swamini June. Jerry and Nick are at the back of the line.
"Am I crazy, or did that make absolutely no sense whatsoever?" Nick asked Jerry.
"None whatsoever! I'm more concern about Casey." Jerry said.
Near the front of the line, Casey is practicing on Coach Halder. "Hi, I'm Casey, and I'm alive! How was that?"
"Touchdown!" Coach Halder raised her arms.
"Don't worry. Only a complete loser would actually take June's advice." Nick said.
Right on cue, Christian and Christof walked past them.
"Teach us, swamini!" Christian said.
"We're like, humble to learn at your feet!" Christof said.
"I rest my case." Nick said.
Casey returns to them, clutching one of Josie's tomes. "Dude, can you believe it? Only 19.99 for all this wisdom!"
"Get out!" Nick said, faking enthusiasm. "What a deal!"
"Now I'm gonna get a date with Jess!"
"With that advice? No way." Nick said.
"Look, man, I tried just being me, but I always make a total idiot of myself! Maybe this'll work." He then walks off to find Jess.
"But Casey!" Jerry said, sighing. "Look at it this way: you do enjoy being right."
"Hmm. That's true." Nick agreed.
Casey looks in the window of Willows and Williams. He sees Jess helping a customer, Hot Dad. "It's now or never." He said, bracing himself.
He marches towards the entrance when he noticed Coach Halder running through the mall, still shirtless and happy. "I'm a new woman! Look at me now, world!"
Ronnie is chasing after her, while talking into her walkie-talkie. "I need backup. Large, burly woman on the run."
Casey enters the store and walks up behind Jess.
"Have a nice day." Jess said.
"Bye." Hot Dad said.
"Hi!" Casey said out loud, startling Jess. "My name is Casey! I am alive!"
"Uh...I can see that."
Casey is wearing a large, slightly creepy smile. Jess stares at her, and he stares back. His grin starts to wilt.
"Carpe diem. Grab the fish by the horns. Okay." Casey thought.
"So..." Jess tries to break the silence.
"Let's go out on a date!" Casey said bluntly.
"Okay, sure. Next weekend is good–"
"No, tonight. El Sporto's. Eight o'clock."
"Alright, alright." Jess giggled.
Casey exits the store. Nick and Jerry find him.
"So, how did it go?" Jerry asked in a comforting tone.
"You didn't embarrass yourself too much in there, did you?" Nick said.
"Are you kidding? Thanks to June, I have a date with Jess tonight!" Casey said excitedly.
"Wow." Nick said, stunned to hear that.
"Excuse me. I have to prepare." Casey leaves to get ready.
"That's a shocker. And if this were a story, things would go horribly wrong in the next chapter." Nick said.
"Yeah. Good thing it's not." Jerry said.
Author's Note: Swamini is the feminine form of swami.