February 10, 2010

Present

Nothing much about the man's office changed from Matt's childhood spent making up for all the trouble he found tagging alongside Mello. It was still dusty, still smelled like old wood, and the sick bastard's bug collection was still on display—in glass cases of all things like they were pieces of fine china instead of the corpses of God's most fucked up creations. He didn't know what to say, rocking back and forth on his heels. Roger had already offered him a seat in front of his desk, but he declined because it meant he would be forced to keep still under all the suspense and tension. Nope. No, thank you.

"Sooo," The boy said oh-so-lightly, filling the silence that had gone on for too long, "which poor kid are you sending off to Kira next?"

Roger turned his head to the window where the children were outside playing football, getting all muddy from the puddles of grime. A self-deprecating smile formed on his lips. "I wouldn't blame you if you thought that low of me."

Matt snorted. Of course he did. It couldn't stop at just Near and Mello; although, he had his doubts that the latter boy was even gone. Presumed dead, Roger had said, which was a different thing from pronounced dead. Like a roach, Mello was going to be sticking around after a nuclear blast

"I'm not a fucking idiot, Roger," He told him, leaning forward and putting all his weight on the back of the chair he'd been invited to sit in. The wood squeaked threateningly under pressure. "I know you didn't have to ring me up and personally tell me Near kicked it. I'd've found out on my own sooner or later. Is that how it is? I was third in line to succeed L, so now that everyone else is gone, you want to send me to die, too?"

"You couldn't be more wrong."

"Wrong? Okay, yeah." Matt shook his head. "That's me, wrong as usual again. Enlighten me then, since I'm awfully slow."

"Wrong again, but if you're merely fishing for my compliments, perhaps you are slow after all," Roger remarked.

Bitch. Matt's confusion remained unclarified.

"You're correct that the next L should be you," Roger explained patiently. "Technically, it is you. So long as you remain living, the position will always be rightfully yours."

"Hell no. Fuck that."

"As for Kira, if you got your head out of those games once in a while and bothered to pay attention to current events, you would know that he has already been taken into police custody."

Shock jerked through his system. The case he'd grown up hearing about since he was thirteen was finally over. The person who killed millions of people, led every government agency on a wild goose chase, and tore apart his and Mello's friendship was finally caught. It was over. Done. Finished. Just like that.

Matt exhaled.

He didn't buy it. Not for a second. Too easy.

"Oh, cool."

Roger bent down, lifting a familiar box that had been sitting on the floor at his feet. He set it onto the desk with some effort and slid the container across the surface toward him. "I invited you here to collect some of Mello's things if you wanted them. He didn't leave much behind when he left the Orphanage, but he didn't take some of his—"

"Journals," Matt cut in, knowing about his friend's penchant for writing. "Yeah, I know what these are. Thanks."

He reached over, lifting the lid off of the box. His eyes scanned the composition books inside. He remembered, in great detail, each and every one of these diaries being in Mello's hands at some point or another. It was difficult to forget about his lovely blue eyes roaming over the pages and his delicate (pretty) fingers scribbling away under the hot afternoon sun; the heat intensified the sticky sweet scent of chocolate that clung to his skin as he leaned over to show a disinterested Matt what he had written. Matt ached, wishing he had cared a bit more about his literary hobbies—wishing that he had scraped his two brain cells together to (kiss him, touch him, anything) tell Mello how much he valued their relationship. And although he had tuned out everything Mello had said, the image of the golden-haired boy, who only smiled at him when grinning mischievously, would remain permanently seared into the backs of his lids until the day Matt was no longer on Earth.

"I didn't read them," Roger said gently.

"There's one missing."

Yeah, he knew it for sure. All of the books in the box were beat up and shitty, but there was this one book in particular that Mello treated with extra special care—the same, fancy leather journal he had taken with him to meet L for the first time. Also, he'd hit Matt across the head with it often enough. Hard to forget when he was beaten over the head with expensive leather.

"If there's one missing, I didn't take it," Roger grumbled. "As I said, I read none of them and respected the boy's privacy."

Matt closed the box with a short nod. Mello must have had—must have it with him then, wherever he was. Matt tucked the box under his arm. Was this it then? Another goodbye from Roger until the next tragedy struck? He wanted to know just one thing, though.

"Did you see the bodies?" He bit into his lower lip, absentmindedly chewing it raw. He wished he had a smoke with him.

"Near was delivered to the UK a few days ago," Roger confirmed, resting his chin on a fist; his eyes glossed over with emotion. "I had to go claim the body."

"Not Mello's body, though."

"No, not Mello. I know what you're thinking. It's good to be optimistic, but–"

"So, you don't know if he's actually dead then. No body, no proof."

Roger was just throwing around guesses. Matt could have chuckled at him. All that detective training he and Wammy put them all through, and he was falling into one of the most basic mistakes. Guesses and hunches were not to be trusted without the solid evidence to back them up.

"Matt…" The elderly man sighed, pulling his head away from his hand. He looked choked up, eyes reddening, brimming with moisture. Softly, the man cursed. "I forgot how much I hate children."

There was nothing more sad, more pitiful than watching another grown-ass man try not to cry. Matt averted his eyes, taking a deep breath to prevent his face from feeling too flushed and to stop his throat from tightening up. He released his breath through his nose, letting go of every pent-up sentiment bubbling inside. Out of the two of them, Matt was never going to be the one caught caring more.

"There's going to be a service on Sunday," Roger said, his voice watery. "You're invited of course."

Matt shrugged. "I'll see if I can show. Can I go now?"

"Drive safe, Matthew." That little wish about being careful, as meager and offhand as it was, blanketed Matt. Roger would never realize how long he would privately cling to the memory to keep himself warm.

"Eh, we'll see."

He would never tell Roger, not in a million years, but he felt better after seeing him, even under the terrible circumstances. He would also never admit to the man that he had taken special care to drive in the rain, avoiding his usual habits of speeding or looking at his phone while driving. When he arrived home, he set the box of notebooks aside on his dresser, another thing to gather dust over time. Matt made his way over to his bed, switching on his laptop. So, yeah, maybe he had been out of touch with the rest of the world. When the computer was booted up, he closed the hundreds of messages that had accumulated for the last few months. He didn't delete them, making a mental note to respond eventually. Most of them were other informants, business contacts, and customers. He hadn't made an official announcement, but he was on hiatus until further notice.

It wasn't hard to find the most recent news about Kira. The headlines were from a few days ago. So, Matt hadn't been that far removed from civilization.

"January 30th, 2010 Saturday Bringing a close to years of investigation, the mass murderer known only as Kira has finally been identified as Teru Mikami, a criminal prosecutor from Japan. Apprehended by the Japanese police, he now awaits a trial date that will be decided by the United Nations. Mikami's arrest was due in part to the efforts of Yagami Light, the son of the former chief of the NPA, Yagami Soichiro. In November of last year, the elder Yagami gave his life during the hunt for Kira, passing away after a standoff with the American West Coast Mafia. "I didn't want to bring Kira to justice solely for the sake of my father," Yagami said to reporters after Mikami's arrest, "but I won't lie either and say his death wasn't part of the reason I wanted to see this investigation through. It was for him, but it was also for every one of Kira's victims. They deserved justice, and the families of those victims deserve peace of mind." When asked about how big of a role he played in the investigation, Yagami only said that it was a collective effort: "It wasn't just me. So many men and women put their lives on the line. I just got lucky [Kira] didn't succeed in killing me. That was his mistake, not my brilliance." This was of course in reference to the American and Japanese officials who lost their lives during the final standoff with Kira, leaving Yagami Light the sole survivor. The list of victims includes—"

Matt stopped reading there. He didn't care about the rest because Mello's name wasn't among the deceased. He knew the boy's name—the real and pretend ones—like an illicit secret he kept close to his heart. Sometimes, Matt forgot what his own name was, not that it mattered what he was called. Funny, he knew Mello's name better than his own.

Casting a glance at Yagami's picture, Matt was irrationally upset at his face. He was so good looking and all the world adored him as a hero now. He'd escaped Kira's wrath, unblemished and perfect, while Mello's handsome face had been horrifically burned until he was nearly unrecognizable. Strangely enough, Matt had never known envy, not in all the years he spent at Wammy's, but the ghost of Mello had him in its grips. He found himself seething on his friend's behalf. Mello had risked everything to capture Kira, and it had been all for naught.

In the end, it had been Light, not Mello. Brilliant, child-prodigy Near had died in his effort to accomplish what Yagami Light had succeeded in doing due to miscalculation—a random error on Kira's part, having failed to kill him along with the rest of the Kira Taskforce. The legendary Detective L (even if he was just a footnote in Matt's life, he was still a pretty big deal) perished trying to accomplish what Yagami Light had done by accident. A fluke. Matt never loathed someone more. His entire life, Mello's life, and Near's had just been reduced to a comedy. It was like God was laughing in their faces.

Then, Matt laughed at himself.

It was silly; he didn't even know Yagami Light personally.

He shut the laptop off.