Chapter 8

There's really only one reason why she's measuring her movements and lagging out of the interrogation room, but if Yekta - who's quickly reaching her - asks her to leave with him, she'll tell him that;

She's staying because he apparently doesn't trust her judgement. She's staying because he wants to have a private meeting with Nil, as if her authority as a prosecutor over the case doesn't trump his personal feelings. She's staying because she won't be as dumb as to let Nil get away with whatever part she has in the murder, all because she has a friendly relationship with him. She's staying because he suspiciously asked for the room's recording to be stopped. She's staying because she wants to see Nil's influence on him for herself, to then determine if it will be a problem during the investigation. She's staying because if one of them (he) is putting the investigation at risk, she wants proof of it.

Yekta doesn't speak a word to her, however, he simply walks by her with his head bowed, not exactly making it a secret how far away he wants to be from this thing going on with his hire. He's wise to distance himself from that woman's nonsense, especially being her friend, because nothing good will come from siding with her, least of all if she has any part in the murder case.

She's actually appreciative of the fact that he didn't try to distract her away from here, but rather left her the space to do what she wants. She's so appreciative in fact, that she nearly steps out after him to make polite small talk instead of torturing herself with what he and Nil get up to when they are alone, if not for Nil's voice sounding in the air, penetrating even through the closed door.

Now, by nature, she's a curious person who's always interested to know things, but that whiny, childlike tone? Who wouldn't stop in their tracks and turn back to see the scene that evoked such a response from an adult woman?

Her eyes land on Nil first, catching her distorted, whiny expression with more than a bit of annoyance; she should've known that this would turn out to be ploy on Nil's part. Her eyes try to look his way, but then the same Nil, with the same expression, walks right up to hold him like it's the most natural thing in the world, and her annoyance instantly dies.

As of right now, watching Nil being overly familiar with laying her head on his shoulder, she's only letting in air through her nose and then letting it out again.

Her eyes slowly roam around their frames, seeing Nil's hands clutch his back and crease the material of his suit jacket, but she's still only letting air in and out.

The picture of them standing like they've done this before makes her feet pick up and move forwards for a closer inspection, but she's still only breathing.

How often have they done this?

Her breaths are becoming shorter now, she realises, hardly letting a second pass between them.

How much of his scent is etched into Nil's memory?

She can't be breathing anymore – she must be breathless since her neck is now inflamed, suffering from breathlessness.

There was a time when she was the only one to feel his support, a time when touching him meant feeling love.

As he lifts his hand, she swears, she swears to God and every heaven there is that she tastes her whole heart in her mouth; crushed and very bitter. It doesn't matter that his hand only moves to push Nil away from him, because the damage is already done and it's hurting, starting to burn where her heart should be.

How can he just...? As though he doesn't follow her to the beach and stand watch over her, how can he just...?

Her throat hurts - she will cry. Her skin hurts - she wants to cry. Everything hurts – she needs to cry.

But if she cries, who will dry her tears? Once upon a time, she had the luxury of being emotional and crying, knowing that she had comfort in his arms, but since she left him...

Aah, it hurts.

She'd forgotten that it could be this painful, having always pushed the pain down beneath her grief and determination. It would've been a relief to remember the pain than to feel it, for she hasn't felt like this since she gave her ring back to him. For a reason too, because how can she bear it without breaking apart? Biting down on her tongue doesn't make it go away, neither does running her hand over her neck soothe anything. Swallowing feels like liquid fire down her throat, and when she looks for his face, his eyes specifically, harbouring a little hope that she will find a measure of solace in them, her bucket's supply of covered pain tips over.

It's not from the fact that he is looking right at Nil with a formal stance, nor is it his visible anger, it's from the fact that he is reacting at all, that her pain floods to every part of her being, weakening her. At least for today, considering how furious he made her, she wanted to believe that he has no issues where Nil is concerned, but to see him react so negatively to Nil's touch, ironically touches her to remember that he also lives through a perceived tragedy that nothing or anyone will ever fill. Her pain was easier to press down with disdain when she assumed that he was spending time with Nil outside of work, not after this, though.

It's unbearable to see the evidence that he dies every day, and unable to carry that on top of feeling her own pain, she quickly turns around so as not to see the truth right before her eyes. She can't do this to herself; she promised herself that she will never again cry another tear until she finds Mercan, and she won't. Regardless of the intensity, she will do as she always does, which is wash her face and then push the pain down to where it was. She won't lie, though, this time is intricately different, and the pain too tender for her to easily tame – she won't be able to do it like flipping a switch this time. Already, there's a small voice inside of her that wants to go and comfort him.

The door suddenly wrenches open just then, rightfully startling her, but not enough to make her turn and see what's happening. Before she can face whoever comes out first, her no-nonsense prosecutor persona, complete with her mask of anger must be present and in place. Albeit with great difficulty, that's exactly what she does, she composes herself by pulling in a long breath while closing her eyes for a second, and for the final part, literally swallows every emotion from before just as she hears him say, 'Nil, leave us,' leaving no room for mistaking his authority.

No, no, no, she silently panics, she can't be alone with him after that.

She's too vulnerable and might just end up exposing more than she's supposed to. In this specific situation, the best thing is for him to believe that she is cold, cruel and hateful, not to see her affected and emotionally broken down by the fact that he let another woman touch him. That he could see her true feelings determines it for her, and fortunately, him following Nil to the door gives her a little more time to gather the remaining hurt into a cold shield around her so that when he comes face to face with her, she could cool tea in an instant.

'Is your relationship with Nil going to be a problem?' she immediately poses so as not to give him the chance to direct the conversation.

'What relationship?' he asks, pulling an offended face, which isn't helping to keep her emotions smothered – if he could keep from showing his true feelings about Nil, that would be helpful.

'Whatever relationship can be between a man and a woman, I don't care,' she answers as detachedly as she can.

'There is no relationship, Ceylin.'

Uff, no, not her name, and not that statement.

She wants to hit something just hearing those things combined. He wouldn't just say that, and she knows that, but the fact is that Nil (for whatever reason) felt comfortable enough to put her arms around him. A special anger begins to bubble inside of her just thinking about it.

'It doesn't seem like it to me,' she refuses, mostly to fuel her anger. 'If you're going to question my decisions because you have personal knowledge of the suspect, then there's something, and that something could lead to a faulty investigation on your end. We work with facts and evidence, not with what you feel, prosecutor.'

'There isn't any problem, nor will there be, because what I feel isn't what you think,' he firmly answers, but not without taking a step towards her.

Strangely, his step to her feels like a direct challenge, and so she does the same thing, leaving only half a foot's space between them and crossing her arms before demanding an answer from him.

Since he 'knows' what she's thinking, she wants to hear, 'And what do I think?'

'I don't know what you think,' the answer falls from him in the most defeated tone that she has heard from him in a long while. 'We don't talk. –

Oh, that hits right in the heart! Nobody is aware of that more than she is. He thinks that she doesn't -

'We are hardly civil with each other. –

That hits an even deeper spot! They used to be inseparable, even when they were fighting -

'And you just assume things without knowing them, Ceylin.'

'I don't assume, I see it!' she finally snaps, mostly because he made it too personal by using her name, and anyway, she's not wrong about this;

She's seen how he wants to protect Nil and take her everywhere. She sees how he can breathe as if there isn't something missing in their lives. She sees how he doesn't trust her instincts, making it seem like she's the crazy one. She sees it all, so there's nothing to assume.

'Is that so?' he visibly doubts her with his expression. 'Tell me, what you see, because I can assure you that you don't see anything. Where should I cut open for you to see that I bleed too?' he spreads his arms wide for her. 'You don't see half of what you think you see! I lost my family too.'

What?

If he's done and said anything to set her off completely, it's those last words. Fury suddenly clouds her mind and unable to contain its effect on her body, shoves him away from her, not caring one bit about the force or what it does to him - she only needs him away from her. They already shouted at each other earlier, making Elif reject them, after that, he brought her to the verge of tears with his Nil episode, but this is too far. More than his actions did before, his last words just deepened an open wound.

'Go or I will break something,' she swears, unwilling to directly look at him, because if she does, there's no telling if she will scratch his face apart or not.

Damn it, where did he find the guts to say that to her?! She wonders, the physical pain in her abdomen making her bend and place her hands on her waist to keep her steady on her feet. Which part of her has resembled her usual self since that day on the beach, that he can easily mention loss to her?

She's lost more than what he thinks she's lost. It isn't just her created family that she lost. Her life is still stuck on that day at the beach, she lost his and her own family, she lost happiness, she lost peaceful nights, she had to cut off her caring nature towards everyone, she lost the profession of defending in exchange for prosecuting, she had to change his contact in her phone just so she didn't see his name, and he wants to talk about what he lost?

At least he's been doing just fine communicating with their families, at least he's had some progress in his life, at least he's not the no-nonsense, don't-waste-my-time, move-out-my-way, don't-breathe-next-me prosecutor who's feared by the whole station as if he's a monster ready to gobble them, and at least he's apparently unbothered by someone else constantly by his side. Those are all complete opposites of her reality, so he has no right to mention loss of family to her.

Damn it, he couldn't have said a worse thing. After Elif's incident, it's everything that will expose her true (inner) nature right when she isn't strong enough to resist the onslaught.

Suddenly, her moment is interrupted by the door opening, closing just as promptly and harshly as it opened, and she, thinking that he is just now leaving, quickly gathers herself into an upright position, only to find Nil standing at the door, looking at her like she's waiting for something.

Great, it's her.

On this one, she won't even waste her energy. She won't acknowledge her presence, she won't look her in the eyes, and she will simply walk past her and out of the room without a fuss. Very quickly, though, not even two steps towards the door, she realises that one, Nil will not allow her to leave without a fuss, and two, if that's the case, something will happen – she doesn't know what yet, but something will happen.

'You're pathetic, you know,' Nil begins to say, smugly taunting her really. 'You let him go and now that he's not interested in you, you're bothered by it. You're making his life hell, because you're selfish and can't stand the thought of him not wanting you anymore. Your plan to get to him through me won't work, you know. He is on my side, and he believes me, so you won't get anywhere with your little plan. Just accept that you've lost and move on from him. You're embarrassing yourself,' she ends with a smirk, as she stands there like someone who just delivered an award-winning speech.

Ugh, she silently laments the time wasted, why did she have to spare a second towards this woman? Okay, she accommodated the woman by standing and listening to her delusion, but now what? Is she supposed to agree with a nod or to ask for permission to leave?

As strange as it is, for a moment, she's honestly unsure what to do next. She means, Nil's across her, clearly waiting for her trophy, and she could easily give her a verbal trophy, but...

Now that she thinks about it, having been too deep in grief to notice trivial things, she can't fully remember how this woman started in her life. If there is one thing at all that she knows about this woman now, however, it's that she absolutely chose the wrong time to say such a stupid thing to her, and unfortunately for this woman, she doesn't care about her enough to warn her to steer clear as she did him. For different reasons, he was an exception for different reasons, but this woman? This woman is nothing to her; she's otherwise an insignificant being if she just didn't just open her mouth at the wrong time with the craziest of rubbish. That Nil is nothing to her decides it for her, leading her to continue towards the door but in Nil's direct path. Reaching the irritating woman, she shamelessly slaps Nil, the impact of her hand on the cheek producing a loud smacking sound.

While Nil is busy scrambling to clutch her cheek and let out a shrieking, 'Aah! You're crazy!' she carries on as though nothing happened, simply opening the door and passing through it. After pulling it closed behind her, she stands outside to revel in the little satisfaction that brought her for a second. The satisfaction wears off almost immediately, because while a fraction of her anger was released through the slap, the inconvenience of dealing with Nil's complaint will follow after this. Not only that, even as Nil comes stumbling out of the door, screaming for an officer, and proving that she won't just let this go, she settles back into her ever-present pain.

Her pain never leaves, she just gets a few seconds of reprieve from it every now and then.