It was Mom and Dad's anniversary. One of the few days a year when Dad goes all out for Mom. Out of everything he does for Mom, I think his favorite thing to do is baking his "famous" passion fruit crumb cake. Everything was perfect for their anniversary, until it wasn't. Dad let out a scream of bloody murder as I was playing video games. I immediately headed downstairs to check on Dad. He was fine. However, his cake was missing. I gasped with my entire family. "Why?!" Dad cried as we sighed with relief. "Geez, Pete." Mom sighed. "We thought you were, you know..." "...dead." I interrupted. "We thought you were dead, Dad." "It's worse! Someone ate my passion fruit crumb cake!" Dad explained, hugging Mom for support. "What's kind of inhuman monster would do such a thing?" At the same time, we heard Scratch crunching loudly on cookies from the cookie jar. "Who do you think?" I asked, pointing at Scratch. "You!" Dad gasped. "Whoa! Whoa, me?" Scratch asked. "I mean, come on, does this sound like the kind of thing that I would do?" "Yes! All you do is eat!" I recalled. "Okay, fine, but this wasn't me! I, I was outside when it happened!" Scratch stuttered. "Oh, like you can't poof whenever you want, wherever you want!" Dad shouted. "Your story is as flimsy as your ectoplasm." "Sharon? Amber? Darryl? Help me out here!" Scratch begged. "You should just come clean now." Mom said. "Stick to your story and don't let 'em break you." Darryl added. "Cut the act." I rolled my eyes. "I didn't do it!" Scratch repeated. "Molly, you believe me, right?" "Well, I mean, you do steal a lot of food." Molly replied. "But, you are my best friend." "Yeah! Yeah, and, and best friends stand by each other." Scratch said. "You taught me that!" "Scratch, look in my eyes. Do you Molly McGee Guarantee you didn't do it?" Molly asked. "I 100% Molly McGee Guarantee it." Scratch replied, doing the designated handshake for this oath.
"I believe you, which is why I've assembled you all here today for the trial of the century!" Molly exclaimed, gathering all of us in the living room, putting on a blindfold. "Uh, Molly, what's going on here?" Dad asked. "Justice is what... Whoa! Oof!" Molly shouted, falling off the table. "Justice is what's going on! I'm going to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Scratch is innocent! And what's more, I'm going to expose the real crumb cake crook! The true passion fruit pilferer, the, uh, uh..." "Sweet treat swindler?" Mom interrupted. "Funny you should say that because Scratch wasn't the only one with a motive. Was he, Mother?" Molly asked, pulling out her victim board.
Mom was the first witness in Molly's court-like setup. "This is ridiculous. The cake was for me." Mom said. "I was organizing the basement." "Convenient." Molly commented. "But do you or do you not secretly hate Dad's passion fruit crumb cake?" "Objection! Sharon loves my crumb cake!" Dad retorted. "It was love at first bite!" "Ah, yes. Your first date with Dad." Molly said, pointing to an old picture from that day. "Look at that smile. The glassy eyes, the subtle grimace. That smile is fake!" "What? No it's not!" Mom gasped, making that exact same face from the picture. "It's clear as day, Mom!" Molly exclaimed. "You love Dad, but you hate his cake! Forced to eat it year after year after…" "Okay, fine! I do hate that cake!" Mom confessed. "The taste! The texture! And worst of all, the way it pretends to be chocolate, but it's just a lie!" "She does have a point." I said. "It's like if you were to call a muffin a healthy cupcake." "Sorry, Pete. I don't love your cake, but I do love you." Mom apologized. "It's fine." Dad cried. "I'm not questioning if our whole marriage is based on a lie or anything." "So, it was you, Mother." Molly said. "You pretended to organize the basement when really, you snuck up to the kitchen and disposed of the cake to save your tastebuds!" "Okay, you caught me! I did think about throwing it away!" Mom confessed. "I put the cake back. It was right there for all to see. Or it would've been if it weren't for those dirty handprints all over the dome." "Wait a minute!" Molly gasped, bringing the glass dome from the kitchen. "We have new evidence in the case!" "Bleurgh! There's only one criminal in this family with hands that dirty." Scratch said. "You're right, Scratch." Molly agreed. "I call to the stand… Darryl!" "I want my lawyer." Darryl commanded. "You don't have a lawyer. This is all fake." I explained.
Apparently, Darryl did in fact have a lawyer. Why am I surprised? This is Darryl I'm talking about. "You've got nothing. My alibi is airtight." Darryl said. "I was up in my room, doing homework all day!" "Really? That's the alibi you want to go with?" I asked. "Homework?" Darryl's lawyer nodded to him. "I submit you were actually doing, theft work!" Molly shouted, matching Darryl's hand with the handprint on the dome. Mom and Dad gasped as Darryl's lawyer slapped herself in the face. "Knew it." I commented. "You were in deep with the Lunch Money Bandits! The only way out was to bribe them with cake!" Molly exclaimed. "You slipped up. This is enough to put you away for eight to ten… weeks of grounding." "Oh, ho! We got him!" Scratch cheered. "Ah, but that's where you're wrong." Darryl explained. "I touched the cake dome, sure. But I never touched the cake. I just needed the dome to catch Heidi Hairylegs. You know, my pet tarantula. I was gonna ask Dad to help, but he seemed busy." "When did you get a pet tarantula?" Molly whimpered in fear. "Also, you caught it, right?" "Uh, yes." Darryl lied. "Yes." "Whew. That's a load off." Molly sighed with relief. "So, if it wasn't you, then it must be… Amber!" "You have got to be kidding me." I complained.
I went up to this stand to try and confess my innocence. "So, Amber, you like to steal crumb cakes often?" Molly asked. "I've never stolen anything in my life. Especially not a homemade cake." I replied. "You know I prefer my food to be spicy rather than sweet." "Precisely." Molly commented. "You wanted to know what a spicy cake would taste like. While Darryl took the dome off the cake, you added hot sauce on top of the cake and ate a slice. But you thought it was a terrible combination, so you tossed the cake so Dad wouldn't have to handle the spice!" "Gross! I didn't eat Dad's cake! Nor did I trash it!" I complained. "But I was in the kitchen for a bit. I went to grab a bite to eat after finishing my homework. As I was about to grab my leftovers from last night, I saw Scratch had already finished my food. So, I just made some instant spicy ramen and went to the attic to play some video games. Although, now that I think about it, I did smell something burning." "I see." Molly said. "So, if you didn't do it, there's only one possibility left." "Yeah! Scratch!" Dad shouted. "No." Molly replied.
Dad was in the hot seat now. I wasn't sure how he could've done the crime, but I was invested. "You! I call Dad to the stand!" Molly shouted. "What? Can you even call the prosecution to the stand?" Dad asked. "Also, is it hot in here? I'm sweating! I'm sweating." "Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. Here we were, thinking you were so distraught over the missing cake. But it was all a lie!" Molly shouted. "Thanks to Amber and Darryl's testimony, I found evidence that'll blow this case wide open! You burned the cake! And since the cake symbolizes your love for Mom, you couldn't bear for her to see it. So you got rid of the evidence and created a cover story!" "It was an accident!" Dad exclaimed. "How dare you frame Scratch!" Molly snapped, grasping Scratch and pushing him against Dad's face. "Admit what you did. Admit it!" "No! No! No! No! It's not what it looks like!" Dad explained. "My old recipe got lost in the move. So, I tried a new recipe, which was from a British website, so I had to convert everything into the metric system. Fine. Okay. Totally. I put the cake in the oven, and it turns out, I do not understand Celsius." "Aha! Case closed! So what's the punishment?" Scratch asked. "I say we go cruel and unusual! You are hereby sentenced to hand-washing Darryl's gym socks!" Scratch pulled out Darryl's filthy gym socks, which smell like toe jam. "Scratch, you don't know where those have been!" I warned. "Eh, that's fair." Darryl shrugged. "I'm not done! Yes, I burned the cake!" Dad continued. "But I also messed up those metric conversions, so I had a whole lot of extra batter! Which I used to make a new cake. Which you ate!" "Objection!" Scratch argued. "Speaking of eating, when's dinner?" Darryl asked as his stomach growled. "No one eats 'til Scratch's name has been cleared!" Molly snapped. "But I'm starving!" Darryl complained, picking up the dome. "Ooh, crumbs!" Once Darryl picked up the plate, we noticed a little bit of ectoplasm dripping from it.
After this "shocking" revelation, Dad called Molly to the stand. "Molly, will you please state for the record what is dripping of Exhibit B, the cake plate." Dad said. "Ectoplasm." Molly sighed. "And who is the sole member of this household who produces ectoplasm, and is therefore, the only one who could've committed this crime?" "Scratch." Molly whimpered. "You gave the Molly McGee Guarantee." "Molly, I have no idea how that got there!" Scratch begged. "You, you have to believe me!" "Now what did you suggest as punishment, Scratch?" Dad asked. "Ah, that's right: hand-washing Darryl's gym socks!" "Oh, I'm gonna throw up!" I gagged. "Again, fair." Darryl said. "This is your last chance." Dad continued. "Admit you ate the cake, and I'll drop the entire punishment." "I'll never confess to a crime I didn't commit!" Scratch exclaimed. "Molly, you still believe me, right?" Molly didn't respond, feeling betrayed. "Molly?" I wondered. "Fine." Scratch sighed, accepting his punishment. ""Extra carob?"" Mom read the recipe out loud. "Ugh! This recipe's worse than the old one." That's when it clicked for me. When Molly first introduced us to Scratch, she offered him a granola bar, and I remembered his response. Not if it's carob. Molly looked at the recipe and realized the same thing. "Carob? Wait! I can prove my client is innocent!" Molly gasped, running to the kitchen to grab some carob chips. "Observe." Molly shoves a carob chip into Scratch's mouth as his ectoplasm immediately swelled up and pushed us against the window. "A little warning next time, Molly." I said, muffled against the window. "Scratch couldn't have eaten the cake!" Molly explained. "He has a carob intolerance!"
Me and my family were able to escape the house through the window. Scratch, however, was still swollen and bloated from the carob. He took up the whole house. "I shared that in confidence." Scratch said. "Sorry, Scratch, it was the only way to clear your name." Molly apologized, hugging his enormous nose. "We're sorry, too." Dad added. "Guess you were innocent the whole time."
Molly, Scratch, and I headed back up to the attic as soon as the swelling went down. "Thanks for sticking by me, Moll." Scratch thanked. "I've got your back like you've got mine. I Molly McGee Guarantee it." "Aw, Scratch! Come here, buddy!" Molly cooed, hugging Scratch. "Alright, okay. Five second rule." Scratch said. "You know, the only thing that's bothering me is who did eat that cake?" "I was just thinking about that!" I exclaimed. "I don't know, guys." Molly replied. "I guess we'll never know." "Yeah, we'll never know. Huh, add it to the list." I heard Geoff say while licking his ectoplasmic fingers. "Oh, hey, by the way, thanks for the birthday cake, guys. I loved it. Yeah, just a couple things. It wasn't my birthday. Also, you spelled my name S-H-A-R-O-N. But it's actually Geoff. G-E…" "We know your name, Geoff!" Molly and I shouted in unison.