Written for Shipping Week
Prompt: saudade
Pairing: Siffrin/Isabeau
Is there a word for what you're feeling? Gazing up at the stars beneath the infinite heavens, you are sure of it. There has to be something out there to describe this sense of longing for your home, your country, your identity, anything at all. Any fragment, perhaps a solitary star you can hold on to, which might be enough to remind you.
"Isa?" you whisper softly from beneath the brim of your hat. You tilt your head slightly, enough that your friend comes into view. "You asked me about that word I say... about stars and the meaning of it. Why I say it like that." You hesitate, glancing up at the night sky.
"Is everything okay, Sif?" Isabeau sounds anxious.
Stars, why does everyone always think that something is wrong? No, you can't start thinking about that now.
"No, it's just that... Well, you know how I forget things sometimes. I know there's a word for this, but English doesn't seem to fit. Something out there." Lifting a hand, you gesture towards the stars. Just say it. It's not like Isabeau will know what it means anyway. "Something..."
Your voice trails off into silence, your eye drifting closed. You can see it in your mind, in your memory of memories. It's still there, in those ancient textbooks you came across in the library. A forgotten language that consisted of curving symbols and shapes, interspersed with star and moon designs. It shouldn't feel so foreign, and at the same time it feels like home.
Without thinking, you open your mouth and begin producing a string of melancholic utterances.
"Anamar ehelis eġaiġ ķaeġe. Eţett ahiş ğea alalak šienel iţa ķielša ena ğağaik šuişyar, ik eşa šuişyar amaşyer aliġeţ iġakša eşa ğieţen aşik anamar em yara eġehğe. Alalak aşa ihaliţ yera eġyarim ihihaş ena etta inalim ğea šuişyar ehiġ."
"What?" In the darkness beneath the shimmering starlight, Isabeau stares at you, thoroughly confused. You smile at him, tears collecting in the corner of your one remaining eye.
"Saudade," you whisper, your voice cracking. "That's what I'm trying to say, Isabeau. It means... it means..." You struggle momentarily, searching your memories for the words you want to say. "It means that I would miss you if anything happens tomorrow. I would miss us... all of this."
Missing what you can't remember, forever searching for that which is forgotten. Yourself, your country, your friends, everything and all that you are. You don't want to lose them. You don't want to be forgotten.
You feel the urge to reach out, wanting to hold Isabeau's hand the way he held yours once. Mirroring your friend's actions, you unconsciously raise your right hand, reaching out but never making contact. It only causes your chest to ache. Stars, you pray that you can find a way out of the loops without losing everything you love, without losing yourself in the process.