When the four made it to the Great Hall, the funeral feast had already begun. A dim light hung over a suffocatingly crowded space. It was impossible to walk without having to wade through the hordes and throngs of Berkians and their dragons. A thousand smells filled the air, cooked mutton, baked fish, and above all, the sickly-sweet smell of wine and mead. A cacophony of voices rose up, children chattering, dragons calling, Viking men and women mumbling loudly.
Astrid and Valka walked off to get some food while Hiccup stood by the door. The idea of even trying to eat had his stomach turning. How could anyone enjoy food at a time like this? Why should he feast when someone he loved was dead?
He briefly glanced ahead at the only empty table, set on a slight step to overlook the people. A massive, ornate chair sat vacant in the center and waited to be filled by its chief. A pit of dread settled in Hiccup's stomach. He had to sit there, in his father's chair. His shoulders fell further. The weight was too much. His eyes burned unbearably. He tried to swallow, but an invisible force choked him.
A soft thud came by his feet. He looked down and saw a little six-year-old boy quaking on his hands and knees, his blue eyes beginning to brim with tears.
Immediately, Hiccup dropped to the ground, helping the boy into a sitting position. "Hey, hey. Are you okay?"
The little boy sniffled, trying to stop the tears already staining his face. "I…I fell. I didn' mean to-"
"Hey, it's okay, buddy," smiled Hiccup. To his right, he saw a stuffed Nadder toy. He picked it up and offered it to the boy. "Did you drop this?"
The boy lunged at it, and hugged it to his chest. His auburn head nodded vigorously. "I was trying to help him fly, but… I fell. Papa says… Papa says'm not s'posed to run inside…"
"Hey." Hiccup wiped a tear from the boy's cheek. "What's your name, buddy?"
"L-Leif, sir." The boy sniffed again.
"Are you hurt, Lief?"
"N-no. But my dragon-" Lief held out the toy; a tiny seam in its belly had popped. "I hurt him."
"Oh, no. Here, I can fix that." Reaching into his pocket, Hiccup took out a small adhesive leather patch and stuck it onto the dragon. He handed it back to Lief. "There. All better."
Hiccup felt a pinprick of joy when miniscule smile appeared on Lief's tearstained face.
"Thank you, sir," he whispered, and Hiccup nodded.
"Did your papa give that little guy to you?"
Lief's auburn head nodded; he kissed the stuffed Nadder's head. "Papa gave me him to protect me. His name's Flashburn."
"That's a cool name; I bet he's really powerful."
"He is, but-" Lief covered the toy's ears. "Flashburn can't fly yet. I'm trying to teach him. But I tripped."
"Well…" Hiccup smiled. "Seems like he's a tough guy."
Lief giggled, then looked down. "Papa says he will protect me. Teach me to be strong. But… I'm still scared… I'll never be brave."
"Hey…" Hiccup touched Lief's shoulder, and the little boy looked up at him. "You don't have to worry about that. Brave or not, I'm sure your dad loves you very much." Hiccup chuckled a bit, passing a hand through his hair. "It's funny. My dad gave me a dragon like that… when I was little…"
Memories flashed through Hiccup's mind. Stoick told him one night when he had a bad dream that the dragon was made by his mother to chase away nightmares. As a six year old, he had found it odd that this little dragon would protect him while all the other ones were bad. Yet, whenever he found himself scared of the dark or of his dreams, snuggling that toy somehow felt like he had both his parents watching over him.
But now, that was something that he would never know. And it was his fault.
It was all his fault.
It's all your fault.
Stoick's voice again, this time so close to a shout.
What have you done?
Hiccup gripped his head, throbbing in unison with the ringing voice. Hiccup inhaled sharply, his entire self trembling; he had to be strong, impervious. He could not cry. So, why was he crumbling despite himself, despite the armor he had put on for weeks?
He could not fix what was broken. He could not pretend that being the perfect chief would do anything to atone for his mistake.
His sin.
His murder.
The blood of his father was permanently on his hands. Nothing would change that.
Nothing.
"Why are you sad?" Lief leaned into Hiccup's face. "Can I help? Please?"
"I…" Hiccup breathed, the suppressed tears leaking into his voice. "I…I can't get him back…I can't fix it…"
"Hiccup?"
Turning around and looking up, he saw Gobber and Spitelout towering above him.
"Hiccup, it's time."
Hiccup blinked. "T-time?"
Spitelout rolled his eyes, then nodded towards the main table. "The ceremony. Gothi and the council are waitin' for ya."
"Oh." Hiccup's heart clenched. The whole thought made him sick to his stomach. "Could I just get one more minute-"
"Chief," Gobber responded, his voice low and serious. "You can't put this off forever."
Hiccup froze. His legs refused to stand. He did not want to do it. He could not do it. After what he had done, he could never.
Without asking for his permission, Gobber gently hoisted Hiccup to his feet and waved towards the back of the hall. Before Hiccup could take another step, Lief flung his arms around him, barely able to reach his lower torso.
"I hope you feel better," murmured the little boy.
After a moment, Hiccup returned the embrace, clutching the boy tightly. With a shaky breath, he murmured "Thank you, Lief" before breaking away and following his two escorts to the royal banquet table. A sea of faces spun around, their eyes boring into his soul as he made his way through the crowd. The voices hushed to a murmur as Hiccup took his place at the center of the table. To his left was Valka, Spitelout, Gothi, and Gobber, and to his right, Astrid and the riders. He noticed that Toothless, who characteristically hovered over his shoulder like a shadow, had hidden himself away in the corner. Briefly, Hiccup made eye contact with his friend. The pained memories of this morning stung afresh, but Hiccup felt a stab in his heart with Toothless turned his head away.
No. No, no, no. Why had he hurt his friend like this? Why was he hurting everyone around him?
It's all your fault. All your fault…
"No," Hiccup breathed, clutching to his head. "No, no…"
"Hooligans of Berk!" shouted Gobber, his loud voice filling the room and cut the noise down to silence. "Tonight, we gather here to honor those we have lost. Tonight, most recently, we honor the loss of our great chief, Stoick the Vast."
A pause of silence. All bowed their heads in solemn remembrance. Hiccup's ears rang.
You'll never be good enough. You have failed them. You have failed me.
Hiccup's fingers dug into the edge of the table, trying to block out Stoick's voice. But it still was so loud, so clear.
"Now, we gather here to honor him and our fathers," Gobber's booming voice continued. He took a silver goblet from Gothi and passed it to Valka. "We honor their wisdom, their courage, and their strength. And as our new chief accepts his mantle, we pray that those same virtues may be granted to him. We pray that in all his duties, he may honor and uphold their legacy and greatness. O great Odin, great Thor and Freja, we beg you, bless our chief as he takes his rightful place until he may join you with our fathers."
Turning his gaze to the left, Hiccup watched as Valka, taking the silver goblet, poured from the jug on the table. The world slowed as Hiccup watched a steady stream of deep red wine flowed out and filled the glass to the brim. Deep, deep red, blood red.
Valka turned towards him, goblet clutched solemnly in both hands. "Are you prepared to recite the vows?"
The vows. The final noose, the final twist of the knife.
Hiccup nodded with a shudder. "I, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III, solemnly promise to honor the will of the gods with all my thoughts, words, and action, both in private and in public. I vow to serve the people, to protect all life, from the unborn to the elderly, and to be the servant to even the lowliest of men." He paused, swallowing hard. "This I vow to do, as my fathers before me have done, for a chief is but a servant of the gods, a servant to the people, a servant to all."
Valka nodded solemnly. She took a sip from the goblet, and extended it to Hiccup. "May the blessing of the gods, passed down from our bloodline, be upon you as you accept the duty granted to you from our fathers."
The world slowed as she passed the goblet to him. The wine swirled like thick blood. His father's blood. He had spilled his own father's blood.
Hiccup's ears rang. He could hardly believe this was happening. This was a nightmare. Please let this be a nightmare. He had to be dreaming. He had to wake up. Please wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
You killed me.
You killed me.
You murderer…
"No!"
Hiccup lurched backward and the goblet slipped from his fingers. Several gasps arose from the crowd as wine spilled down his front. With a shuddering breath, Hiccup glanced down at his hands, stained purple from the wine. His fingertips dripped, dripped, dripped red with a stain that would never wash out. His father's blood was on his hands. He had murdered him…
"Hiccup."
Hiccup glanced up, quietly gasping when he recognized his mother's face, the elders' faces, his friends' faces, all staring at him in horror. They knew. They knew what he had done.
He knew he was unworthy.
They saw the blood.
Look what you've done.
"Oh, gods…" Hiccup stumbled back. His heart pounded so hard he could scarcely breathe. He could not breathe. His father's voice was everywhere, closing in on him. Screaming at him.
What have you done? Why, Hiccup, why? Why?
He barely heard his mother's words. He could barely read her lips, pleading to know what was wrong. Hiccup glanced around, backing slowly away, but the Valka and the Riders followed him.
"No…gods, I-" Hiccup choked.
Astrid stepped forward. "Hiccup-"
"No, don't!"
Hiccup tore his hand away when Astrid reached out. She could not touch him. No one should touch his hands. His blood-stained hands. He could never wash away the blood. The blood, the blood, the blood…
He darted to the right towards the rear exit, ignoring the calls of others. He shoved open the door, tripping and falling onto his hands briefly before pushing himself up and resuming his running. His feet rushed blindly through the darkness, pounding against the ground. He had to get out of this nightmare, this living hell. But the voice followed him everywhere, pushing around him like a suffocating wind.
He could not escape.
There was no escape.
No escape.
What have you done? What have you done?!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Yelping in surprise, Hiccup skidded to a stop at the edge of the cliff. His heart hammered against his chest wall as he gasped for breath. The vaguely moonlit waves below were crashing against the cliff wall below, louder than ever before. The repetitive sound meshed with the droning, screaming voice.
You're not a Viking.
Of all the irresponsible-
Every time you step outside-
The worst viking-
What have you done?!
You're not my son.
Hiccup's breath quickened, his shaking hands clutching at his chest as he leaned further, further, further. His foot moved automatically towards the open space in front of the ledge. He could not be chief. He no longer deserved to live. He had murdered his father. He had to jump…
A terrified roar from behind Hiccup caused him to turn around. Toothless padded up the heathery hill, stopping once he reached the top. His green eyes flashed in horror.
"What are you doing?"
"STOP!"
Hiccup's hand shot out as the Night Fury approached. The long grass swished around Hiccup's knees, the wind ruffled his hair wildly. His entire frame shook violently. He could have fallen any second. But Toothless took another step forward.
"GET AWAY!" cried Hiccup, his foot sliding backward. Tears brimmed his tears. "You-you can't be here! Just-Just leave me alone!"
Toothless' face twisted in horror. He took another step forward. "What about Stoick? He saved you-"
"No! No, he didn't! Toothless, don't you understand, I-" Hiccup choked on a sob. Boiling tears streamed down his cheeks. "I murdered Dad. I'm the reason he's dead!"
The Night Fury made no sound. His eyes gleamed with hurt.
"And I hurt you!" Hiccup's blood grew hot in self-hate. "I was naive, I didn't listen! And I put you in danger and killed him! Don't you see what I've done?!"
Toothless burbled in sad pleading, and Hiccup felt sick to himself. The voice screamed in his ears.
What have you done?
Hiccup's breath shook as he glanced over the ledge, but the Night Fury shrieked.
"I can't, Toothless!" Hiccup's vision twisted to meet his friend's eyes. "I can't do this anymore! I can't keep hurting you! Dad is gone, and I can't- I can't take that back! I can't ever- I can't- I can't live with that!"
Toothless stepped forward again, crooning sadly. "It wasn't your fault, just like it wasn't mine."
Hiccup shook his tear-stained face.
It's a lie.
Toothless cooed pleadingly, "You would never hurt him. You would never hurt me."
Hiccup gasped, his breath shaking and erratic.
You've killed me…
You've killed me…
It's all your fault…
Hiccup cast his eyes over the edge. The sea and the waves were yawning, shouting, screaming at him to jump. He had to die. He had to die…
He turned to jump, but something stopped him. His pivoted foot remained glued to the ground. He glanced back at Toothless' grief-stricken face.
"Please," cooed Toothless. "Please, you are my best friend…"
Hiccup whimpered in torment, tears spilling down his face as his fingers knotted in his hair. He couldn't kill himself. He couldn't do it.
Why couldn't he do it?
Why? Hiccup, why?
What have you done?
You're not a viking…
Hiccup hyperventilated. His hands went to his ears, begging for the screaming to stop. "No. No, no, no…"
He wanted to die.
But he wouldn't do it…
You're not my son…
He sank to his knees and screamed in agony. His hands struck the ground, he curled over his diaphragm convulsing with sobs. Vaguely, he perceived a faint purr vibrating in his ear and a scaly head touching his own. Hiccup flung his arms around Toothless', burying his tear-stained face in the dragon's neck.
"No! No! Please, no, I c- I can't- I can't take this-" He sobbed and choked. "I can't, Toothless- please- please- I'm sorry. Sorry…"
The night fury cooed comfortingly, and his front paws pulled Hiccup close. Hiccup had never received a hug like this from his friend before. Instead of it comforting him, Hiccup only cried harder, clinging fiercely to Toothless as if he were his lifeline.
"Don't- don't let me go-" he gasped. "Don't let me go, p- please- please, no-"
Hiccup cried, long and passionately, until he could not breathe and was gasping for air from the convulsions of his diaphragm. He gasped, gulped in the air greedily, the cool air soothing him down. With each ragged breath, his body began to relax and go limp against Toothless' chest.
His breathing slowed gradually as Toothless' hushing coos lulled him down. Hiccup exhaled and shut his teary eyes, his tired, broken heart receiving peace for the first time. Toothless never held Hiccup so tightly as he did that night.