Chapter 5 - Reversal
Anakin waits outside the Council chamber for the results. But Obi-Wan looks no happier than before when he comes out. "What happened?" Anakin asks anxiously.
"They asked me back," Obi-Wan says quietly, "But I..."
Unease and uncertainty twists inside of him suddenly. "What?"
"I didn't know what to say," he says, fidgeting,
The Council room chamber doors open, the Council members coming out. Obi-Wan pointedly turns away from them. Anakin can feel how his emotions are raging, a storm of hurt and betrayal and lost emptiness. "Can we talk about this somewhere else?"
"Alright," Anakin agrees. He'd prefer to be far away from there for this conversation too, somewhere private he doesn't feel constant eyes on him. Even if he wants to know what Obi-Wan was saying because –
He didn't come back. He didn't rejoin the Order and that means...
His heart is pounding and he needs to know what Obi-Wan has to say. If he's really implying...
Obi-Wan stop once they reach... a large empty, dark banquet hall. It's meant to be large enough for everyone in the Order though Anakin has no idea when it would ever be used. Certainly hasn't been since he became a Jedi. He's been here maybe once or twice. He has no idea why Obi-Wan chose to come here to talk but it should be private so he doesn't ask.
"You're saying you don't know if you want to come back?" Ahsoka queries, sounding a bit taken aback. But maybe not too surprised either.
"It's just..." Obi-Wan trials off, fidgeting. "I told them I would meditate on it because I don't know what to do and I... wanted to talk to you."
He seems very uncomfortable so Anakin tries to wait patiently for whatever he's about to say.
"I guess since all my friends became padawans and I didn't, it's like – I don't know. There's got to be some reason Master Qui-Gon never took me as a padawan earlier and never let me leave the Temple. I don't know if I'm – ready to be a padawan or not and or if this is what I'm meant to be. What I'm supposed to do. And now I'm not even in the Order anymore."
"You don't feel like you belong?" Anakin asks carefully. He's just a bit mind-blown. His master has never implied any such thing and it's jarring to hear he would ever have struggled with the same thing Anakin has his whole life.
He squirms. "Maybe. I don't know. I'm supposed to be a Jedi. I owe it to the Order but – after what happened, I don't..."
"The Council made a mistake but you should not have been caught in it. I... don't understand how they couldn't have known either, that you were innocent," Anakin tells him. It's weird to try to make his former master feel better when it comes to things like this. "I... thought about leaving the Order once too, to find a different way to help."
"You did?" Obi-Wan and Ahsoka demand in unison.
Anakin nods. "I've always been... different here. Because I came late." Normally he wouldn't mention this but the conversation is about very personal things already. "I never really fit in and... sometime I just wished there was a different way to help. That's why I thought about finding my own path for a while until... my master taught me that I could do more as part of the Order. But if the Force has a different path for you, you'll find it. Did Qui-Gon ever say why he wouldn't take you on missions?" That's not something Obi-Wan ever told him about before, either.
"No. All he ever wanted to have me do was meditate and it was – annoying." He makes a face. "I mean, he's my master so I – "
"It's okay," Anakin assures, trying not to be visibly amused as his cheer childishness at hearing Obi-Wan whine to him about having to meditate, "I get that. I had struggles with meditating too. And about going on missions... I never knew Qui-Gon long but maybe he was just trying to protect you. You – my master – was the same way at first, reluctant to take me on missions after I became a padawan."
"But isn't that the same as not being ready to be one?"
Anakin shakes his head. "No, it's not. Being a padawan doesn't mean only learning on missions. Sometimes there's still things to be learned at the Temple. And sometimes... a master may just be being a little protective than they need to be but that doesn't mean it's a failing on the padawan's part."
Obi-Wan's quiet for a long pause, looking thoughtful. "I just don't know what to do," he says finally, "I don't know any other way. I can't... imagine doing anything else. But I don't know how to be a padawan. Especially not now."
Anakin has no idea what to tell him. His master is talking about leaving the Order, even if he's also a little boy right now and hardly feels like him. But it means he'd just be gone and Anakin would have no idea when he'd ever see him again. and he can't imagine any reality where Obi-Wan's sole focus wasn't on the Jedi. That's always been true from the time Anakin became his padawan. Like it ought to be, even if it... hurt sometimes.
He can't imagine Obi-Wan walking away from that. It might just be because he's so young, but...
He can understand leaving the Order but he can't imagine doing it himself. Not anymore, anyway. Being a Jedi is what he is. He'd be nothing without that. Even if he doesn't know how he's going to trust the Council again, after the mistake they've made.
"What about being a padawan did you struggle with?" Anakin queries, "I mean, other than what happened now."
Obi-Wan shifts uncomfortably. "I miss my Clan," he blurts finally, "I know I shouldn't as a Jedi but I do. We used to be close. But they're all grown now and I shouldn't miss them because that's not the Jedi way."
Obi-Wan had issues with attachments? Anakin already knew that on some level because his master has been far less cold and detached than many other masters, but it's different to hear. He never knew he struggled with it that much as a child.
"And if I can't let go of that, I'm never going to be a good Jedi. And I have to be," he goes in a rush. "That's what I'm supposed to be."
Afraid of failing.
That's so familiar. Too familiar.
But it's obviously a struggle Obi-Wan got past. Anakin himself never has. He never understood any of the things Obi-Wan told him about that and he suddenly wants to ask him himself again. He never understood how he was supposed to stop trying to be the best when he can't fail. When he has to be the best because it's literally what the Council expects of him. It's also what he owes to the Order more than anyone because they freed him, they... But he also can't trust them anymore.
"Letting go of our attachments is a difficult struggle for all of us," Anakin says, trying to think back to everything he's taught Ahsoka about this. It's just weird to be saying it to his former master. "Missing those you have lost is natural. Trying to fight it will only make it harder."
"It'd be easier if I had a master," Obi-Wan mumbles sullenly. "They all did and once they did, it didn't seem hard for them."
"I still miss my Clan sometimes," Ahsoka speaks up quietly, "But I have Anakin and the boys so it's... easier." The way they talk about it makes Anakin wish he had that. He has no idea what it would be like to have grown up close to another Jedi. Would it have been like the kind of bond he once shared with Kitster and Wald? Or something even deeper?
"You'll always have me and Ahsoka, even if you don't have a master right now," Anakin assures, leaning over to touch Obi-Wan's shoulder, "You don't need to worry about... being alone. Even if you do choose to leave the Order." That's something Anakin himself has always been so terrified of, at least until he got Ahsoka and Padme and his boys.
The padawan cracks a small smile, through the darkness.
It warms something inside of him, even if it also fuels the constant ache that his Obi-Wan is gone. Unless –
"I've been thinking," Anakin starts, mind whirling. There's no better time to bring this up. "About how to... reverse your aging," he explains.
Obi-Wan's face scrunches. "It's weird to think that that even happened. But if there's things that happened that I don't remember, I'd like to."
"I believe the only one who would know what to do is Maul," Anakin muses, "Since he used a holocron to cause this."
"And Maul's never gonna help us," Ahsoka points out flatly.
"Well... if we could find his holcoron and bring it to the Temple, maybe that would help. And in the meantime, you can... think about your decision. I can't tell you what to decide, Obi-Wan. The Jedi Order has always been your life. And mine. And Ahsoka's. But... I understand it if you want to leave." He really does and that's half of why he doesn't know what to tell him.
Because he can't imagine a world where Obi-Wan was just gone either. Even if he essentially already is.
"You really think that would work?" Obi-Wan asks.
"The most we can do is try. We'll have to take a trip back to Mandalore."
**w**
Obi-Wan might be safe now but that doesn't mean it feels like this is over, to Ahsoka. She been having so many questions for so long but now it's... worse. She'd be questioning the same if this happened to anyone. And she can't stop remembering Barriss' words.
That they're an army of the Dark Side now. Sometimes, it feels so true.
They're on a ship now on their unofficial mission to Mandalore and Obi-Wan's gone to the back alone again, presumably to brood.
"Are you okay?" Anakin asks, turning to her.
"I don't know," Ahsoka says quietly, sighing, "I can't stop thinking about what Barriss said. What she did was wrong but... I understand what she said."
"The war is changing everyone," Anakin agrees quietly, "And I know much of it is not in a good way. But that doesn't mean all of us are falling, even if it may feel like it sometimes."
It helps to hear that even if she already knows it, but it's still...
He leans closer, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly.
"I wish Barriss would have just talked to me about it," she goes on, frustrated. She doesn't understand why she didn't. Why she didn't go this far, without saying a word to Ahsoka. What Barriss did is exactly what she's accusing the Jedi of becoming.
"That wasn't your fault," Anakin tells her gently.
"I know. I just... wish I'd seen it earlier."
There's movement in the back of the ship and they look up to see Obi-Wan approaching again.
"You really think the Order is falling?" he asks, shifting in the doorway, "I... overheard some of what you were saying."
"I don't know any other way to see it, especially not after what they were willing to do just now," Ahsoka replies.
The silence hangs heavily over the cockpit after that.
Sometimes... Ahsoka has thought in fleeting moments of what it would be like to leave the Order herself. She can't imagine leaving Anakin, so she always thought of it as a maybe they could leave together, but she can't blindly obey the Council. Not anymore.
She'll always follow the Jedi way, of course, but that's entirely different than the Council's orders. The path it feels like, more and more, that she needs to follow is something with the Force alone.
"Sometimes I wonder what Qui-Gon would have to say about all this," Anakin comments quietly.
She feels Anakin's longing flicker into the Force and she can't help feeling some of the same. She's heard a little about him from both Anakin and Obi-Wan before and... she wishes she could've met him. Lineages rarely stay close because that's not the Jedi way but she's still curious.
"I still wish I could've met him," Ahsoka supplies.
"Sometimes it feels like..." Anakin shifts, seemingly hesitant.
"What?" she prompts.
"It's like he's still her. I know that doesn't make sense but I sense him sometimes," Anakin says in a rush, "Close. I do right now."
Ahsoka blinks. "What?"
"Really?" Obi-Wan asks.
He shrugs a shoulder, almost uncomfortable. "I know it doesn't make sense with what we're taught but..."
"I don't sense anything," Obi-Wan objects.
"Anakin's always senses things stronger than anyone else," Ahsoka points out. She tries to reach into the Force herself and she doesn't sense anything but – She doesn't know him. She wouldn't anyway. But if Anakin says that, she believes him, even if it doesn't really make sense. Consciousness are said to dissipate into the Fore but that means he is still here on some level, even if she'll never get to meet him.
**w**
When they get to Mandalore and start looking around, it's to realize that Maul is still nowhere to be found even if the prime minister he put in place is still in charge. He's just disappeared. They spent a while looking around, but what they end up finding first is a group of rogue Mandalorians, hiding from the main government.
They can't find Maul either but they have his Sith holocron that was left behind at the palace for some reason. "Feel free to be rid of it," is all Bo-Katan has to say as she turns it over.
At least they have it now but there's no way to open it without using the Dark Side.
"I have an idea," Anakin says, even if he really doesn't want to suggest this. "Ventress."
"You really think we should trust here again?" Obi-Wan asks warily.
"No, but we don't have a choice. And she wouldn't gain anything by trying to use this to... harm you more." Or at least, Anakin can hope not.
Hunting through the Underworld to find Ventress all over again is beginning to feel redundant but they track her down eventually, with Obi-Wan's advice on what he knows about where she was last staying. And sure enough, she's passing through.
"When I helped you, I never said I wanted to see you again," Ventress says flatly, arms crossed.
"I wasn't looking forward to seeing you again either," Anakin tells her bluntly. He hasn't forgotten how many she's hurt during the war even if she's... different now.
"So I assume you're either here to arrest me or ask another favor."
Anakin grimaces. "Yes. Just one more."
"What?"
He withdraws the holocron, explaining the situation to her.
And she just laughs. "You sure you want to reverse this? He's funnier like this."
"This isn't amusing, Ventress," Ahsoka retorts, stepping forward, "Are you going to help us or not?"
"No promises I'm not gonna turn him into an old man or a baby but I can give it a shot," she drawls.
That is not at all reassuring but Anakin doubts they're going to get a clearer answer than that out of her. All he can do now is hope it's going to work.
Obi-Wan settles on the floor across from Ventress and she raises a hand, opening the holocron. An eerie red glow floods the area around them and Anakin watches warily. He doesn't trust her at all but they don't have any better choice. He'll just have to hope to the Force that this is going to work. It's the last thing he has time to think before a blinding red light floods his vision.
**w**
Obi-Wan sits up slowly, taking in his surroundings. Ventress is standing over him, and Anakin and Ahsoka are hovering nearby. He doesn't remember passing out but that's probably a side effect of the age reversal. He's an adult again. The age he's supposed to be.
Because he just literally spent the last six weeks or so as a padawan again. Which is mildly embarrassing now that he's thinking about all the things that happened but that's not half of what stands out the most.
He's not a Jedi anymore. He could choose to come back but – Yes, all of that really happened. The Order is a very precarious situation with the Senate right now and keeping that status safe is important. Obi-Wan understands that considering how much time he spent on the Council himself. It was the good of one over many. He understands that but that doesn't mean...
Maybe he shouldn't still feel so betrayed but he doesn't know how to make it go away. It wasn't about him. Even if they hadn't thought he was guilty – how could even Master Yoda have thought that? – it was the reasonable choice for the greater good and the Order itself, but... He can't believe he's even thinking about whether or not he'll come back, but he is.
Anakin is here, though. His padawan, his – his as close to child as anyone ever could be and he could never just leave him. He spends so little time with him already. But coming back to the Order as it is now is – Remembering what the Order was like when he was a child, remembering what Anakin and Ahsoka were saying about how much it feels like it's falling, he can't help thinking how true that is.
"Obi-Wan?" Anakin asks tentatively, voice breaking through his thoughts.
He turns to face him, the first time he's seeing him as his padawan in a long time. He may have been with him all this time but it almost doesn't feel like it. "I do look normal now, don't I?" Obi-Wan grouses.
Anakin's face cracks a grin. "Yes, you do."
"I'll let you have your sappy reunion in private," Ventress drawls, and Obi-Wan's gaze snaps to her.
"Ventress. We can't stop meeting each other, can we." First when she helped him escape Maul and now this.
"Hopefully this will be the last." She turns on her heel and takes off, leaving them alone.
Anakin's crossed the few steps to him the moment she's gone and he's being yanked into a crushing hug.
"Is this really necessary?" Obi-Wan grumbles, more for the show than anything else, because he's long grown used to Anakin's hugs. And the sheer adoration the boy radiates whenever Obi-Wan hugs him back.
"I didn't know if I was ever going to have you back, Master," he says, and the serious emotionless of it is nearly enough to make him uncomfortable.
"I was there as a child," he points out.
"And you were adorable," Anakin says smirking, jumping back to dodge Obi-Wan's effort to swat him.
"It was fun to meet you like that," Ahsoka pipes up, grinning.
It's weird to remember that Ahsoka felt like this friend only minutes ago. "I will say it was interesting," he concedes grudgingly. "But we should go somewhere more suitable to talk."
They end up going back to their waiting ship. Ahsoka's going to start up the engine which gives him a moment alone with Anakin.
"I must say, you did well with teaching," Obi-Wan tells him.
Anakin smiles shyly at him, looking down. "I tried my best."
Obi-Wan squeezes his shoulder. "I know."
Anakin shifts a little, blinking the way he does when he's uncomfortable about something. "I – I have a question."
"What?"
His padawan is always blunt. If he's being this hesitant about asking what he's wondering, it must be something that's really making him uncomfortable.
"What you told me about trying to – to prove yourself as a padawan. I know you always told me to stop trying but I don't... understand. How you could know you're a good enough Jedi if you stop trying." He looks about like he wants to disappear into the walls.
Obi-Wan takes a moment to consider what to tell him. That was one thing he tried so hard to teach Anakin to let go of but it never seemed to work. Even now. Talking about his own struggles isn't really something he does but maybe he needs to in this situation. "I did struggle with that once, right after I became a padawan," Obi-Wan tells him, "And eventually, I realized that my own fear of failing was hindering my connection with the Force and keeping me from being a proper Jedi. It took... a long mission where I nearly left the Order to realize that."
"What happened?" Anakin asks, staring at him.
"I left on my first mission on my own because I thought Qui-Gon wasn't planning to show up – even if all that happened was that he'd slept late." He can't help his momentary flare of amusement. "The planet I went to was... unique. Almost as though it had a sentience of it's own. The children who were there were alone and for a time I thought of staying with them, but then I realized the way they were living was destroying the planet itself. I needed to get them to safety. They needed my help and that's when I remembered my duty as a Jedi. It helped me find a way on my own to get past the struggles I was having."
Anakin's quiet for a long pause, not really looking at him. "I've tried, Master," he says quietly, "To let it go. But I don't know how. I always remember Tatooine and then I – I know that if I am not a good enough Jedi, then I will be nothing."
He's never spelled it out quite so bluntly before and after the time he spent with him as a padawan, it has Obi-Wan thinking that maybe Anakin's issues with it aren't nearly as similar to his own as he thought. It's something of Anakin's past that he can't let go of. Of being nothing. The Zyggerian whip burning across his back, from the little time he was on Kadavo, reminds him of that and how little he can understand of what his padawan went through as a mere child. "You are a good Jedi, Anakin. And even if you have struggles, that doesn't mean you're nothing. I know letting go of your past is harder than something I could ever imagine but if anyone could let go of it, I believe you could."
Anakin nods, still not really looking at him. "I never knew you – missed your Clan," he blurts finally, "I thought you were..."
"Better at letting go of my attachments?" Obi-Wan guesses and Anakin nods. He might have let them go in the end, but he's not truly let go of Qui-Gon and the one he knows he could never let go of is Anakin. "It's natural for us to have to struggles with that and... I would say you've done well with that."
Anakin doesn't look much happier, though.
But after everything that happened with the Council, Obi-Wan still believes in the Jedi way, but there's a traitorous part of him that wonders if how close he is to Anakin is really wrong. Anakin saw he was innocent because of their connection. But he has no idea how to begin voicing any of that.
"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asks him finally.
"I just – I'm not what you want me to be, Master. I don't know if I can be. When you told me you were thinking about leaving the Order, I thought maybe I... could join you once the war was over."
He tries not to react too much to his surprise. "You still want to leave?"
"Sometimes? I know I can help more like this but I..."
"What?" he prompts gently when Anakin doesn't continue.
"I've always been too attached. To you, to – Ahsoka, to everyone. I don't know how to do that forever. I'm sorry, Master. I know it's disregarding what you taught me but I..."
Once, before Obi-Wan entirely lost faith in the Council the way he has now, he'd have something different to say but now... It still makes his heart ache to hear what Anakin's saying, makes something whisper wildly and unreasonably in him that Anakin's going to leave him and he's going to lose him like he has everyone else even if he shouldn't care about that so much, but –
He knows he's hurt him many times in the past. He just never knew what else to do, while he tried to make Anakin into a Jedi. But now he can't help wondering how much that's hurt him. What would it be like, if they were all away from the Order together?
"Perhaps," Obi-Wan says slowly, "Once the war is over, we can leave the Order together if that's really what you still want to do."
It feels like a betrayal to the Jedi way, to what Qui-Gon himself forged them into, to say this but... He doesn't know how to trust the Council anymore. Not now at least. He needs time. And he can't help wondering traitorously now, how much they've been wrong about before, even if unintentionally.
Anakin's head jerks up, meeting his gaze wide-eyed. "You... mean that?"
"I do. I think I will come back to the Order for now, so long as you are a part of it, but I see now that many mistakes have been... made. The Order is not the same as it used to be." He doesn't feel comfortable flat out saying he no longer believes in the Council but it's true.
Anakin nods, smiling shyly at him. "Alright. I'm sure Ahsoka would like to know."
"I can hear!" the Togruta calls, popping in from the hold.
"How long were you standing there listening to us?" Obi-Wan asks grumpily, crossing his arms.
"I tried not to listen but I can't help that montrals are much cooler than ears."
Obi-Wan huffs.
Anakin laughs. "That's fair, Snips."
She bounces over to stand next to him and it makes Obi-Wan's heart warm to see them together. He'd wanted to give Anakin a padawan half as a prank, half to give him a focus on the Jedi way instead of... Padme – because he still thinks there's something going on there – but now he's glad that giving Anakin Ahsoka has made him so happy. Obi-Wan isn't blind to how lonely Anakin always was in the Order. He just never knew what to do about it.
And that reminds him –
"You said you sensed Qui-Gon before?" he asks. There's been fleeting moments where he thought he felt him but he knew it was just his imagination, from missing him so much. But was it?
"I have," Anakin says, "I knew it didn't make sense. That's why I never mentioned it."
It doesn't really, but...
"There's moments where I thought I have sensed him too but I never thought anything of it." It feels like it takes on an edge off the aching void inside of him, though, to hear that Qui-Gon may still be watching over them in some way. He's long since grown used to him being gone but that doesn't mean it ever truly stops hurting.
And that's when something else hits him.
Satine.
Maul killed her. That's the last he remembers before he was turned into a child and he didn't even know her anymore, but – She's gone now. Dead.
In nearly the exact same way that Qui-Gon was.
He will end Maul for that, whatever it takes. Even if it's not something he wants to bring up right now.
"I have a question," Ahsoka pipes up, "Since when did you used to like flying? Anakin always says that you hate it."
"It's a long story," Obi-Wan says grumpily.
Anakin grins. "We have plenty of time. I've been waiting to ask you about that too."
Force help him.
Really, though...
Entertaining them with that story couldn't hurt too much. Except that Anakin's never going to cease teasing him.
"Fine," he agrees finally. Besides, if they don't do that, it's time for them to head back to the Temple, something he's not sure he's quite ready to face yet.
He's fine with spending a little more time out here just with Anakin, and Ahsoka. And he can't help wondering in the future, if all three of them really do leave the Order, how many more times like this they'll eventually get to have too.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
Come hang out on Discord (delete spaces), discord . gg / nqSxuz2 or find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes)
We've got a YT channel for tributes! (delete the spaces) youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA