Chapter 53: Acceptance
"Fitzwilliam, are you certain?" Elizabeth asked.
"Yes, I am. I received a letter from Philip before we left, and he has stated the same."
"You do not know how glad I am to hear that Lady Isabella is to return to Ashton Park. I knew Lord Ashton would forgive her; after all, she did not do anything knowingly. It was all due to circumstances, and one cannot blame her for her decisions," Elizabeth said and saw Darcy keenly observing her.
"So, you state that people can commit mistakes without intention and deserve forgiveness?"
"I do, but there are exceptions," she said in a low voice as they sat, breaking their fast in one of the inns.
Georgiana was also thrilled to hear the news, and it was a couple of days into their journey.
It was painful for Darcy to watch the discomfort between Elizabeth and her father while they were in each other's company. Elizabeth tried to find an opportunity to have the conversation she wanted to have with Lord Anderson during their travel but could not do so. Something had changed in how Elizabeth felt towards him, but she was unwilling to acknowledge it. She was not confident in her own resolve to converse with him and explain her stance on their relationship. Now, she had only one day left before they reached their destination, and Elizabeth decided to seek Darcy's help in the matter.
"Fitzwilliam, please, I need your help; I cannot say this to him," she pleaded.
Darcy was shocked by her request.
"Do you want me to ask him to leave before our wedding?"
Elizabeth was silent, and Georgiana, who was a part of their conversation, was also troubled by Elizabeth's words. According to her, Elizabeth could not hurt anyone, let alone her father.
"He plans to stay for your wedding, and he understands your sentiments in the matter and is under the assumption that Mr. Gardiner will walk you down the aisle. Lord Anderson understands that you do not want him to be involved in the ceremony, but asking him not to attend our wedding is beyond imaginable. Honestly, I did not expect this from you," Darcy said with distress.
"What did you expect from me? You expect me to accept him as my father and accept everything he wants to do for me. There is no reason he should stay for our wedding. He has a family of his own and has nothing to do with me. Whatever he wanted to prove has been proved about the past, which is why he accompanied us to town. Now, there is no reason for him to stay for our wedding. It is better for everyone, especially for his family."
"We cannot judge what is good for him, nor can we dictate his sentiments toward our wedding. If you think I can break that poor man's heart by asking him not to attend his daughter's wedding, then I am sorry; I could never do that. What I don't understand is that you have always been open about your hatred towards him; you have argued with him, reasoned with him, and spoken to him without any guilt of hurting him until now. If you want to tell him this, I don't think you will have any scruples in doing so; why don't you do it by yourself?" he asked.
"I just cannot," Elizabeth replied, and Darcy knew very well why.
It is because, in your heart, you have forgiven him, and you are struggling to acknowledge that you want to accept him as your father.
"Lizzy, please do not do this. I stayed with Lord Anderson most of the time in the house; he seemed truly sorry for his past actions. I cannot imagine how he would feel if you asked him to avoid your wedding."
"Just imagine how awkward it would be if he attends. He shall be forever at odds with his wife and daughter, who already hate me. His life is with them and when I have no regard for him, he wastes time trying to change my mind."
"You seem to care about him, and I think that is why you are thinking about his well-being," Georgiana pointed out, much to Elizabeth's shock.
"No, I do not; I simply find his presence unnecessary and his expectations about us a waste of time," she said and looked at Darcy.
"I cannot be your advocate in this, Elizabeth. I am sorry," he said.
She sighed and realized that no matter how difficult it was, she would convince Lord Anderson to stay away from her life.
But in her heart, she knew that as difficult as it was to acknowledge him as her father at her wedding, it would be even more challenging to watch him attend the same as a stranger.
They were to reach Ashton Park the following day, and Elizabeth decided to speak with him before supper. Lord Anderson was surprised by the request.
"May I ask what this is about?" he asked Darcy.
"I think she wants to speak with you regarding the wedding; she is waiting in the parlor," Darcy said.
From the look on Darcy's face, Lord Anderson was certain that whatever the conversation was about was of a serious nature.
Elizabeth stood in the private parlor adjacent to her room, anticipating Lord Anderson's arrival. She tried to compose herself and resolved to keep the conversation short.
When Lord Anderson entered the room, she held on to the chair for support. Neither of them said a word for a couple of minutes, each studying the expression of the other and trying to read the other's mind.
"Mr. Darcy said that you wished to speak to me," Lord Anderson said.
"Yes… yes, I did," she replied, and he waited for her to continue.
"I do not want to revisit the past, assess what happened in the past few weeks, or discuss anything that would result in only pain for both of us. I understand from Fitzwilliam that you plan on attending our wedding," she said.
"Yes, I do," he replied.
She does not want me to walk her down the aisle; this must be about the same.
Elizabeth paused for a few seconds and then continued.
"I kindly request you not to attend it," she said inwardly, trembling.
She witnessed the shock and confusion on his face.
"Not attend your…" he was unable to complete the sentence.
"Yes, not attend my wedding."
He took a few steps forward and stood right in front of her.
"How could you be so cruel?" he asked.
"I am not being cruel; I am trying to save you from distress. You have a family waiting for your return; there is no reason for you to be present at my wedding, well aware of your wife's sentiments towards me."
"Nothing would distress me more than not being present on the happiest day of your life. I understand your resentment towards me; I promised you I would never cause you any distress in the future. But this is beyond acceptable; you are doing this out of spite and to hurt me."
"What am I to get by hurting you? Please understand this: we have nothing between us, at least not on my part. You have a family, and your priorities lie with them."
"Don't you dare tell me where my priorities should lie; you are my family, you are my daughter, and as much as you deny it, you are too intelligent not to understand the same."
Elizabeth stared at him in silence as tears built up in her eyes.
"Your daughter is waiting for you in Ashton Park. I am the child you never knew you had, and I want it to stay that way. I do not want you to be present for my wedding, Lord Anderson. I hope you are intelligent enough to understand my request; as you stated, it will be the happiest day of my life, and I don't want to see you there reminding me of my mother's misery."
"All right, I did make a mistake, a blunder that would never let me rest in peace, even in my grave. I was responsible for your mother's misery and yours as well; I accept my fault. But can you not see that I was deceived in this as well? I was deprived of a life with the only woman I ever loved."
"The only woman you state? Then what about Lady Anderson? You married her and have lived happily all these years, and as a result of your happiness, you have a daughter. If you really loved my mother, you would have never married anyone else."
"How can you say that I lived happily? You seem to possess the art of perceiving everyone's feelings and sentients according to your own needs."
"Why am I stating something untrue? You married someone else after sending her the money; it was so easy for you to do so."
To her surprise, Lord Anderson started pacing the room, trying to calm himself.
"It was never easy for me to do so. I did it for my mother. I never loved Augusta, and I never could."
"Then you deceived her as well; if you think you are defending yourself or striving to gain my favor, you are doing a very poor job," Elizabeth said sarcastically.
"Enough!" Lord Anderson cried with rage and grabbed her by her arm.
"Yes, I made a grave mistake by marrying Augusta, but I never forgot your mother; I never forgot the one day we spent together as man and wife. There was only room in my heart for one woman whose eyes, smile, and kindness still live with me. I have never lived a happy life, every day has been nothing but torture for me. If you are hesitant to ask how I have a daughter out of a loveless marriage, let me make it simple for you. Beatrice is not my daughter," he cried.
Elizabeth stared at him in disbelief.
"What?"
"Yes, you heard me. She is not my daughter, I married Augusta,well aware of her condition; she was pregnant before we got married. No one knows this except Augusta's mother and me."
Elizabeth was unable to process his words.
No! This cannot be true. How could this be possible?
"I am not revealing this to prove anything here, but I cannot bear that you thought my love for your mother was so frugal."
"I do not understand; why did you marry her?"
"I never wanted to, even after I assumed your mother married someone else. As I said, it was a wish on my mother's deathbed to make Augusta her daughter-in-law, but I knew I could never fulfill it. But Augusta did favor me; she wanted to marry me, but seeing my disinterest in her, she started moving into society with the hopes of getting a suitable match, and she was ruined by someone at one of the parties she attended. The man was not honorable and fled the country, and she was devastated by what happened. Augusta's mother begged me to save her reputation, and maybe deep down in my heart, I thought I was paying for my sins by saving an innocent woman from disgrace. She was well aware that she could not expect anything from me as a wife except respect and protection. I have again broken a promise I made to her about not revealing Beatrice's secret to anyone. But you have given me no choice but to do so. Now tell me, do you still dare to accuse me that I lived a happy life with someone else after ruining your mother?" Lord Anderson shook her.
Elizabeth was unable to control her tears and started weeping uncontrollably. For a long time now, she was aware that the wall of hatred she had built towards him had started to break. One by one, all the accusations she held against him had withered, and the only weapon she held against him was his second marriage. Now, understanding the truth about the nature of his marriage with Lady Anderson and raising someone else's daughter as his own was something she could not digest. For the first time, she felt ashamed of herself for not understanding him.
Lord Anderson could not bear to witness her distress. It was evident to him that she battled with her own feelings to accept him as her father.
Just then, Darcy entered the room and was shocked to see Elizabeth's state.
"Elizabeth, Good Heavens! What is the matter?" he asked as he rushed to her side.
Elizabeth immediately fell into Darcy's arms and wept in agony.
"It is all right; look at me; I am here. What is wrong?" he asked as she failed to reply.
"Lord Anderson, what happened? What did you say to her?" he asked, concealing his anger.
Lord Anderson felt a pang of jealousy seeing how Darcy comforted her; he felt pained that he could not even provide a small level of comfort to his daughter.
"Nothing; I hope she feels better," he said, leaving the room.
"Lizzy, what really happened? Fitzwilliam is so worried about you," Georgiana exclaimed as she sat with Elizabeth that night. Elizabeth had not revealed what Lord Anderson had shared with her to Darcy, though he had pressed her to understand what was distressing her so much.
"It is nothing; our conversation made me very emotional."
"Was he very angry when you asked him to avoid your wedding?"
"He was more than angry, but understandably so, I hurt him beyond measure. I should have listened to you both and never brought the subject up. I am so angry with myself," she said, unable to bear the weight of his disclosure.
Poor Miss Anderson, I hope she never discovers the truth; it would devastate her.
"Whatever has happened has happened. Did you change your mind about him attending your wedding?" Georgiana asked, and Elizabeth nodded.
"Very well then, you can tell him that, and everything will be resolved," Georgiana said confidently.
Elizabeth smiled at her and wished it was as simple as that. Meanwhile, Darcy paced his room relentlessly. Until then, he was certain that Elizabeth had shared everything with him, but now he felt that she was hiding something.
What could he have said that made her so upset? Something is wrong; she won't tell me, and how am I to help her?
He could very well see that Elizabeth no longer despised him as before; he could sense that she felt afraid in his company, fearful that her true feelings for him would give way one day.
Darcy fervently hoped that Elizabeth would stop betraying herself and understand what her heart truly wanted.
The next day, they started early and were to reach Ashton Park within a few hours. Before the journey, Elizabeth made an unexpected request that surprised Darcy.
"Pardon me, did I hear you right?" Darcy asked in shock.
"Yes, you did; if he agrees, I would like to accompany him in his carriage for the rest of the journey."
"After what I witnessed yesterday, I hope you will not get into an argument again."
"Please trust me, Fitzwilliam, I will not argue with him, nor will I end up crying," she promised. Darcy conveyed her request to Lord Anderson, and he was speechless.
"Elizabeth wants to accompany me in my carriage? Forgive me, but this seems impossible," Lord Anderson finally said.
"That is what she wants," Darcy said, and Lord Anderson agreed.
For the first time that morning, Elizabeth greeted Lord Anderon when she saw him during breakfast.
"Good morning!" she said, much to Lord Anderson's astonishment and Darcy and Georgiana looked at each other and smiled.
Lord Anderson handed her into the carriage and nodded at Darcy, understanding his concern.
"Do not worry, if at all we get into an argument, I will stop the carriage and call for help," he said seriously, and Darcy could see from where Elizabeth got her sarcasm.
As they sat together, Elizabeth stared outside the window for about half an hour without saying a word, and Lord Anderson wondered what was on her mind.
Finally, she looked at him, and her eyes were moist.
"How could you disclose that to me? What if I told everyone?" she asked.
"You are the daughter of the woman who died without exposing me to the world; you expect me to believe that you would be capable of such a thing?" he asked.
Elizabeth struggled to speak as words failed her.
"I understand you want to do the best for me, but have you thought about how it would affect the relationship between you and your family? Whatever said, your future is with them, and I can never be a part of your life."
"Why not? Tell me one valid reason, Elizabeth, unless you want to lie to me that you still resent me. I could see it in your eyes; I could feel the change of your sentiments towards me long before our conversation yesterday. I can sense that you are scared to admit this to yourself and are concerned about our relationship impacting Augusta and Beatrice."
"Yes, I do not want to hurt anyone else anymore. Your wife can never accept me, and I do not want you to suffer because of this."
"You seem to think about everyone else except me. Do you think it is easy for me to walk away from you? I missed an entire lifetime with your mother. Do you think I would be able to live with the same mistake again?" he asked.
"I am scared," Elizabeth finally acknowledged, her voice breaking.
To her surprise, Lord Anderson quickly sat beside her and held her hand.
"I promise you, as difficult as everything may seem now, I will do my best not to hurt anyone in this. Do not worry about Augusta or Beatrice; you, being my daughter, will not change my relationship with them. All I am asking you is to give me a chance," he pleaded.
Elizabeth stared into his eyes and tried hard not to cry.
"Can I attend your wedding?" he asked.
"Yes, of course," she said, smiling at him. In her heart, she knew that she had finally accepted him as her father.