DISCLAIMER - Substance abuse and other self-destructive behavior are included in this chapter so pleaseeee be weary of the sensitivity of the content and how the topics discussed may affect you. The last thing I'd want to do is retrigger anyone who may find it especially hard to discuss these topics.

The screams, the scenes, the emotion. It all felt so real, so fresh, so raw. It was as if she was back there again, reliving all of it. The chaos of that day, something she would never forget. The anguish that would follow. It took her a while to realized it was only a dream.

Here she was, sweat soaked, gasping, trying to fill her lungs with air again. It felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest. She clawed at the thin, damp sheets desperately hoping for some form of grounding, this had to be one of the worst in weeks. She could hear her heart beat in her ears, her head pulsating. The migraine was ever present now and her throat was scratchy and raw.

It was once she calmed down that she realised she was still in an oncall room and not in her own bed. It took her a minute to remember what she was doing here in the first place, but soon remembered. The dark silhouette of another person in the bunk just across from her, clearly trying not to be seen was the next thing she noticed when her eyes finally started adjusting to the light. The body cowered slightly once her gaze turned in their direction.

Callie didn't spend another second trying to figure out who the person might be and muttered to herself, "great" , before abrubtly springing off of the bed and hurriedly collecting all of her things and leaving the room.

Once she escaped the room she briskly walked in the direction of the exit, this time making sure no one else saw her.

She walked across the street to the only place that now brought her any kind of solace.

The bar was empty, to her relief. The dim lighting alleviated the surging migrain. Only a handful of people were there and thankfully none were doctors. Granted, it was still three in the afternon. She sat at the bar stool, calling over Joe, "Two shots of vodka and keep them coming." And slide him a fifty.

Before taking the cash he looked at her sympathetically, asking, "How have you been?"

She sighed frustratedly, rubbing her hand roughly down her face. "Would everyone just stop asking me that?" She responded harshly.

He chose not to take it personally and just nodded. "I'll get those shots ready for you."

She sighed to herself, she didn't mean to come off so harsh. "I'm sorry, thank you." She said and gave an apologetic look.

Joe just nodded in reply to say he understood.

It was nearing ten when an only slightly buzzed Callie decided it was time to leave, her shift was early tomorrow morning. She groaned frustratedly because not only had she spent the better part of the day at the hospital on her day off, but she finished off about two bottles on her own and the alcohol had done little to nothing.

She had become numb to everything. Alcohol no longer had any effect, but she knew that. Yet here she was. The feeling of the clear liquid as she swallowed provided a burning in her chest, a different burn to the constant ache that was usually there. It had become addictive.

It was so easy to just submerge herself in it at first, just drown in her thoughts and feelings. The liquor embraced her like a safety blanket, it allowed her to just forget the world. But now? Now it did nothing but amplify her already loud thoughts, pulled her deeper down the hole of depression. And that's when the contemplation came again.

At first the ambien was just so she coud sleep but somewhere along the way it became more. She scared herself when she performed a surgery and couldn't remember anything after, she didn't even notice she was in an OR until she had closed up and was walking out, the noise of the opening doors to let her out finally snapped her out of it. It would be a lie to say that was the only thing she had tried.

That is when she settled for alcohol as her vice.

Callie sighed and slide off of the barstool. She decided on just going home and spending the night on her couch. She wasn't sure how much sleep she would get but she had enough of the worried glances and whispering from the bar now beginning to fill with her coworkers who were just finishing their shifts. A couple of them came to say "hi" and tried to make conversation but as usual her replies were short. She threw back the last shot before picking up her jacket and leaving the bar.

Who she didn't notice, was the curly haired blonde sitting at one of the tables tucked away in the corner with a few surgeons she managed to befriend. Arizona watched her as she sat, lost in thought, boring a hole into the counter top she sat in front of for the better part of the evening.

But again, for the second time today, the brunette escaped.

Three Days Later

Arizona was on fire today. She performed two surgeries so far and they both went great. She was on a high. The joy, the magic, the fairy dust, all of the things that brought so much brightness to the specialty. She loved days like this. There was something so special about the smiles after giving parents good news, or finally discharging a kid who spent months fighting, or just being able to share a fruit cup with one of the tiny humans at lunch.

She had a gap between her surgeries and decided she would stop on the ortho floor in time for Max's PT session.

Once she saw that the ortho doctor was already in there and clearly trying to take some time for herself, she stopped in her tracks.

Max's session wasn't for another twenty minutes so she figured she would be the first in there, she had missed his first session yesterday because her surgery ran long. The blonde meant to ask Callie how things went but the brunette didn't seem to be in very good mood. Which was usually the case anyway but it seemed especially bad that day.

*Flashback*

She scratched her back neck frustratedly. "I know it takes a while but..."

The person on the other end cut her off. They seemed to have said something that reassured her at least a mildly because the tension in the brunette's shoulders lessened just a little.

Callie released a shaky breath, "Okay, could you let me know when there are any updates then?"

She bit her lip while seeming to take in what they said, "Thank you." She ended the call.

The doctor slowly rested her head in her hands, apparently not noticing the blonde doctor who had walked through the door behind her.

In an attempt to make her aware of her presence, she rested down the chart in her hand a little louder than needed.

At that Callie's head snapped in the direction of the noise.

Arizona gave a small smile.

While trying to read whether the blonde had been there for her phone conversation, Callie's lip turned up tightly to give her a smile. "Hey, did you need something, or were you just coming to sit? I was just leaving if you needed the room."

What she had really come in for was to ask how Max's session went this morning, but she decided against it once seeing the back-end of what appeared to be a stressful call for the ortho surgeon . "No it's ok, you can stay. I was just going to finish charting."

Callie nodded and returned back to her phone.

Arizona wasn't sure what was on that phone but whatever she was doing seemed to have her preoccupied most of the day. Everytime she saw her today she was either on a call or nose deep in emails.

*End Flashback*

Arizona stood at the door for a while, examining the woman inside.

Her elbows rested on her knees, back square and shoulders tense. Her was gaze void and seemed far away.

The woman standing at the door decided it would probably be best if she came back later once the session started. She promised herself that she was going to break down all of these walls around the brunette, she just wasn't sure how. Everytime they interacted there was this glint behind the dark orbs.

This time when Arizona reached the door she was suprised to hear laughter from the inside. When she peaked through the small glass window in the door, there was Callie and Max laughing as Max tried as hard as he could to throw the seemingly heavy medicine ball passed the chalk line drawn just a couple feet away from him and to Callie. They laughed as he groaned and almost fell over as he gave it another shot and it barely reached Callie.

It was the most expression she had seen from either of the two. She thought she could get used to seeing that wide smile more often from the brown haired latina, but quickly shook the thought.

Arizona walked in cautiously and smiled as she greeted the two. "Hey, how's it going in here?"

They both looked up, laughing paused.

"Oh uh, it's good. Max and I were just doing some functional exercises. He's failing miserably." She looked at him and chuckled.

"Hey! That ball is really heavy." Max argued, preparing to try at it again

Callie rolled her eyes playfully. "Yeah, that's why."

Arizona smiled at the banter. She couldn't get him to even crack a smile since she took him on as a patient but here he was laughing with Dr. Torres.

"Well I just wanted to check in and see how things were going." She said preparing to leave again. Callie seemed to be handling things. "Dr. Torres, could we catch up a little later?" She said now looking at Callie who only turned in her direction but didn't meet her gaze.

"Yeah sure, no problem. I'll find you when we're finished here." She replied and went back to catching the weighted ball as Max wound up to release it.

"Okay, awesome." And with that she left

In the Cafeteria

Callie had stalled as much as she could for the rest of the day but she had double checked all of her charts and did rounds twice. She avoided the cafeteria as much as she could, she hardly ate lunch anyway but when she did it was usually in her office. It wasn't that she no longer liked seeing her friends, she just hated the looks, the questions, the concerned stares, their attempts at subtle glances when they thought she wasn't looking.

But here she found herself walking into the mess hall where Dr. Robbins stood among said friends at the donut cart. Callie tried not to look any of them in the eye as she passed them to the blonde waiting for her order, though she did give them a greeting.

"You wanted me to find you?" She said.

Arizona turned to the new presence. "Yeah, just give me a minute, we can go up to my office."

Once she had her donut and coffee in hand, they headed in the direction of her office.

When they got in Arizona gestured for her to sit in one of the chairs at her desk.

"I just wanted to know how it was going with Max. I tried to be there yesterday but there was an emergency surgery that came up and..."

"No, it's ok, yesterday was good. The thing is, his shoulder is surprisingly strong for the amount of dislocations he's had. There are a couple movements he struggles with but generally without all of the dislocations, I would have said it was a pretty healthy shoulder. His apprehension test was pretty good too." Callie pondered.

She knew the scans showed a few ligament tears but those were only recent to his last dislocation which didn't explain the reason for the other three Max had in the past two years and the most she could gather from any of his other scans was a small gap in one of the x-rays which even that was pretty insignificant.

Arizona squinted in confusion. "Wait, so then what's the problem? You said something about his scapula before, what did you find out about that?"

"Yeah, I was getting at that. It definitely doesn't work very well with the rest of his body, it barely moves at all actually." Callie leaned back as she thought. "I know he's gonna need surgery anyway, but I think looking into that too would still be a good idea. I wanted to ask about that actually."

"Ask what?" Arizona asked a bit confused.

"I know usually we would just do the surgery and hand it over to one of the physical therapists but I wanted to know if it would be okay if took over his rehab after." She tried to explain further. "He mentioned it being a bit of drama between his parents and the physiotherapists he's been going to and everyone trying to agree on a course of treatment . And I'm what?... The third doctor he has been too for an opinion? Look, I can imagine it's been really stressful for him on top of everything else. I don't mind doing his rehab, you can over see everything if you need to."

There was that big heart. The love and care she showed for her patients still amazed Arizona, under all of the darkness was a beautiful heart which is what confused her. "What made her so closed off?"

Arizona nodded in understanding. "We'll have to make sure Max and his parents are onboard with that plan but I don't see a problem with it."

Callie nodded in appreciation of the approval.

"My only other concern is the ligament tears from the last dislocation. I know they were trying for a more conservative approach but the ligament tears are only the start. Everytime it comes out of place it chips away at some of his cartilage. He's a ball player, he depends on his arm. Under different circumstances i might have went along with just a bit of physiotherapy too but it has happened four times now. I don't think it would hurt to get an MRI with contrast just so I can rule out any other problems. I just don't want it to be something he has to worry about anymore."

Arizona wasn't sure why or how Callie had built such a bond with her new patient within a few days but she loved the attention she seemed to pay to their needs.

"Yeah, whatever you think is best. I appreciate you taking on this case. I know you have a lot going on.." she trailed off. "Listen, I don't know you all that well but I'm here to talk if you ever need it. I don't know what happened in the on call room but I-"

Callie raised her eyebrow incredulously, "Crap! That was her in there?" She thought to herself. "Let me stop you there. I don't know what you think you saw, but I can assure you that you know nothing about me or 'what I have going on'. I would appreciate it if you stayed the hell out of my business." She rised from the chair and struded to the door angrily slamming it behind her

Arizona sighed loudly and reclined in her chair. "Well that went well." She said sarcastically.

Authour's Note

Hey! I don't know if the flashback may seem a bit spacey or confusing but i promise things will fall into place and the story progresses. I just wanted to begin to shed a little more light on Callie's state of mind