Hotch rolled over in bed, his arm extending out into the space next to him. His brows furrowed when he found the space empty. He was expecting to feel a warm, slim body next to him. He opened his eyes to see only a pillow and a cold sheet.
He pushed himself up onto his elbow and his head groaned in pain. He put a hand to his eyes and rubbed, trying to relieve the discomfort.
His eyes squinted and he looked to the bathroom expecting to see the light shining from under the door, but it wasn't. He frowned deeply. His heart fluttered slightly as a sense of foreboding filled his chest.
He pushed his legs out of bed, realising for the first time that he was still dressed. Well, partially. He was still wearing his shirt and tie, but his pants had been removed. He wasn't even wearing boxers.
He closed his eyes for a moment as a blurred memory washed over him.
Spencer pushed into the couch, his arm behind his back, wriggling trying to get free. Crying. He was crying. And begging. There was blood running down the side of his face.
Hotch opened his eyes and his chest went ice cold. The memories from last night kept coming, hitting him one after another.
Holding Spencer by the throat.
Throwing him across the room.
Shoving him into the bookcase.
Slapping him over and over.
Punching him in the face.
"No." Hotch groaned, pushing his face down into his hands. He'd lost it again. And this time he'd beaten him. He'd actually beaten his boyfriend.
Hotch couldn't remember making it to bed, but the image that had first hit him, of Spencer pushed into the couch, was becoming clearer and clearer.
He gasped as his foggy mind made connections and he realised that he was the one responsible for it. He'd forced Spencer to have sex with him when he'd clearly asked him not to. He'd begged him to stop. He'd told him it hurt. He'd cried in pain. And still he kept doing it.
Hotch's jaw tightened and his mouth watered as the precursor of vomit stirred in his gut.
He'd raped his boyfriend.
Hotch was suddenly to the bathroom and falling to his knees in front of the toilet as his stomach began to empty itself. The smell of whiskey filled his senses as he kept heaving. Sweat formed on his brow and he wiped at it with a shaky hand as his stomach kept twisting, trying to push out more.
After a minute, Hotch sat back on his haunches, breathing heavily, a tremor running through his body. The room spun as the after effects of the whiskey left him light headed.
Then his chest tightened. He needed to find Spencer. He needed to see that he was okay.
He pulled himself up using the towel rail and unsteadily got to his feet. He felt like the ground dropped out from underneath him for a brief moment. He hadn't felt this rough since... their anniversary. His heart sank. He'd done it again. He'd sworn he never would. He never believed for a second that he would.
He shuffled out of the bathroom and searched the floor for his boxers. Unable to find them he grabbed a pair from his drawer and slid them on. He headed towards the hallway, hoping he would find Spencer in the spare room. He pushed the door open expecting to find his young lover curled up on the bed, but he was nowhere to be seen.
Frowning, he looked down the stairs to see the glow of lights coming from the living room. He headed down and pushed the door open to find all the lamps still on and his pants and boxers sprawled out on the floor next to couch. Next to his were Reid's pants and boxers. The sight made him feel sick. A nearly empty bottle of scotch and a half full glass sat mockingly on the coffee table.
He moved cautiously into the room, slightly terrified at what he might find. As he manoeuvred closer to the couch, Reid came into sight. He was lay on his side, curled up in a protective ball. He had pulled a blanket over his lower half. His hands were clasped tightly into his chest as if conserving warmth or trying to give himself a hug.
Hotch's eyes pricked with tears as he noticed the numerous cuts and bruises on his lover's face. His jaw had a particularly large bruise forming, he could make out a black eye and his eyebrow and lip were both split.
Hotch's memory had been painfully accurate and the blood from his eyebrow had run down the side of his face and down his jaw line. Reid had obviously made no effort to clean himself up before sleep took him.
Hotch realised with sadness that he had likely been in this position since he'd left him.
Moving cautiously towards him, he knelt down in front of the couch and next to his partner. He shakily extended a hand out to brush some of the hair away from his face. Some hairs were stuck in the dried blood and he peeled them away carefully and gently.
"Oh god, I'm so sorry." He whispered, the guilt ate away at him. After a few moments of just staring at the damage he'd done, he reluctantly put a hand to Reid's shoulder and shook him slightly. He was terrified at the prospect of him waking up, but he couldn't leave him like this on the couch. Not after what he had done.
Until he had seen him, he'd hoped that his mind was playing tricks on him and it was all part of a bad dream. A symptom of the stress he had been feeling lately. But walking into that living room had shattered any hope of that completely.
Hotch felt like his heart stopped when Reid groaned and stirred out of his slumber. The younger man shifted a little and winced, a hand automatically came up to his jaw where he was clearly in pain. He frowned as his fingers prodded at the bruise and then his eyes snapped open as if the memories had hit him the same way they hit Hotch upon awakening.
Reid's eyes instantly locked on to Hotch who was directly in his line of sight and he froze. The fear was clear in his expression.
"Spencer." Hotch whispered gently bringing a soft hand up to his young lover's cheek.
Reid squeezed his eyes shut and flinched. He clearly didn't trust those hands anymore.
Not being put off, Hotch gently laid his hand on Spencer's bruised cheek and stroked.
"I'm so sorry." He whispered. The tears that had been stinging his eyes finally escaped down his cheeks. He took a shuddering breath in and a sob wrenched out. "God I am so sorry. What have I done to you?"
Reid gingerly opened his eyes again and looked at his devastated boyfriend. His eyes were guarded and anxious but seemed surprised by Hotch's reaction.
Hotch instantly saw the fear in Reid's eyes and he kicked himself for being the person that put it there. If Reid ever trusted him again, it would be a miracle.
"Oh Spencer. Let me look at you."
Hotch put a hand under Reid's shoulder and pushed him up into a seated position. Reid winced as the movement sent a burning pain through his backside and his cheeks flushed as the memories from a few hours ago washed over him once again. His body shuddered. He stared at his partner, unable to find any words. He was still completely in shock.
Hotch took his face into his hands and Reid once again closed his eyes, clearly unsure of what to expect.
"Look at you. God, I've made such a mess." Tears ran down his face. "You must hate me."
Reid spoke softly and sadly.
"No." It was all he could manage, opening his eyes but looking down to the floor. Hotch's face being that close to his brought nothing but fear and anxiety.
Hotch scoffed softly. "You can't even look at me. And I don't blame you."
He dropped his hands from Reid's face and turned, collapsing to the floor with his back against the couch. He pulled his knees up and put his head down, breaking down into desperate sobs.
Reid took a shaking breath in as his gaze landed on his broken partner. He licked his lips nervously.
'I don't hate you." Reid reassured in a gentle but shaky tone.
"You should. What I have done is unforgiveable." Hotch sobbed, his fingers grasped tightly in his hair. "God, I hate myself so much. I am detestable."
Reid shifted uncomfortably. He didn't expect this. If he was honest, he hadn't known what to expect. He didn't know if Aaron was still going to be angry with him, whether he would just ignore him, or whether he would apologise and try to make it up to him like last time. But this, this scenario hadn't even entered his mind. He didn't expect to see him hunched on the floor looking so pathetic and broken.
The picture was completely wrong. His assertive boyfriend, in his suit and tie, pants missing, painfully sobbing into his hands. The image was a strange mesh of the strong Unit Chief he saw so well presented at work on a daily basis and a devastated and broken man, who couldn't even muster the strength to pull on his pants.
Reid bit his lip. He didn't know how to feel. Aaron had terrified him. He'd pulled him to pieces, accused him of sleeping with Morgan, told him he was pathetic and not a man. He'd hit him over and over, with no mercy.
But he'd obviously been incredibly stressed. Strauss had been riding him for weeks, constantly needling and looking for a reason to remove him from his post. This last case hadn't done him any favours. The lack of results from the team had been blatantly obvious. And Reid knew he was partly to blame for that. If he had just been able to find a connection or pattern, perhaps they wouldn't be in the situation they are now where, no doubt, Strauss would be calling Aaron into her office on Monday. And he hadn't made any effort to support him.
And the more he thought about it, the more unreasonable he saw his own behaviour. Whether he liked it or not, he had blatantly disregarded Aaron's feelings about the vest. Aaron had told him never to remove it, to keep himself safe. And he hadn't. He knew how much Aaron worried about losing him, and it didn't come from an illogical place. After what he went through with Haley, it was a perfectly reasonable concern. Aaron, more than anyone, knew how badly things could turn out. But he'd still gone and done it, knowing how much it would panic and worry him. Knowing how much it would bring back the trauma of Foyet.
To add insult to injury, when Aaron arrived on scene, instead of reassuring him, he'd been practically celebrating with Morgan. And whether he liked it or not, he was being intimate with him. More intimate than was probably expected or professional for two colleagues. He and Morgan had always been close. They were like family. But that was also not typical of most work colleagues. And perhaps Aaron was right. Maybe it wasn't appropriate.
'Appropriate' was never something Reid was very good at, as definitions of 'appropriate' could vary widely from person to person. He liked things to be black and white. His study of Philosophy had opened him up to the idea of grey areas, but generally in life, he liked rules. There was no room for error with rules.
That's why he liked the dom/sub dynamic. If sex was left to him, he would invariably overthink it, get it wrong, end up making a mess of it. The dom/sub scenario took any pressure away from it. He had rules he followed, things he was allowed to do and not do and most of the time he didn't even have to think, he could just let go and let Aaron take control.
Aaron had tried his best to guide him in the unwritten rules of the world, but Reid knew he often got it wrong more than he got it right. He'd embarrassed Aaron on more than one occasion and he knew it, even if he didn't exactly know why or how. He just knew that there was something he had missed that was apparently so clear to everyone else. No doubt the situation with Morgan was another one of those things. He probably wasn't seeing something that was right in front of his face. Perhaps Morgan was interested in him? And if he was, he was probably the only one not seeing it.
Reid kicked himself as he looked down at his devastated partner. He'd probably embarrassed Hotch in front of everyone on multiple occasions with his closeness to Morgan and not even realised it. He wondered if the team saw it too. No doubt they did. They probably thought exactly the same thing as Aaron; that he looked like a whore, intentionally trying to make his partner jealous. And Morgan probably saw him the same way and took the opportunity to have some fun with it.
Reid furrowed his brows as another loud sob escaped his lover. Aaron was rocking back and forth slightly as though his thoughts were driving him mad.
Reid gingerly reached out to him and rested his shaking hand on Hotch's shoulder. The man instantly froze up, not quite believing what he was feeling.
"It's not your fault." Reid said softly, his voice trembling.
He still felt like crying. He could feel a lump in his throat threatening to burst forward but he swallowed it down. This wasn't about him right now. This was about Aaron.
Hotch pulled his hands away from his face and turned to look at Reid with complete horror on his face.
"How can you say that after what I've done to you?"
Reid dropped his gaze and shook his head. "It wasn't you. Not really. You've been under a lot of stress and I've done nothing to help you."
Hotch quickly turned, getting on his knees in front of Reid and grabbing his face gently. Reid closed his eyes again on reflex.
"Baby, no. I'm disgusted with myself. I don't deserve you. I really don't. I mean, look at what I've done to your beautiful face." He stroked Reid's cheek and pushed forward to gently kiss his bruises.
Reid pulled away reflexively.
"Sorry." He mumbled quietly.
Unlike a few hours before, Aaron's hands didn't tighten on his face, instead they dropped away in disappointment and self-loathing.
Reid found himself desperate to move and get some space. As much as Hotch was calm and gentle right now, he just needed some space. He'd been touched too much in the last few hours.
"I'm sorry." Reid whispered again, almost regretfully shifting himself away from his partner and wrapping the blanket around his waist to allow him to stand up with some dignity. When he stood, he winced as the pain between his legs came back tenfold. He partly limped across the room taking himself to a corner where he felt more secure then turned back to look at Hotch, catching his breath, trying to relieve his discomfort. He regretted standing now. His body felt battered.
"Why are you sorry?" Hotch asked, staring at spots of blood from where he knew his lover's face had been buried as he shoved him over the arm of the couch to have sex with him. Tears filled his eyes once again and he shook his head. "This was all me." He said in disgust with himself.
"I don't think the scotch helped." Reid said quietly.
Hotch cringed. Oh god, the scotch.
He knew better than to partake in that particular tipple. He had grown up with an alcoholic father whose mood would turn the second that liquid would pass his lips. He would become belligerent, violent and completely immovable. And he was becoming just like him. He dropped his forehead down onto the couch and sobbed again.
"I'm so sorry baby. I don't know what the hell came over me. I just felt so angry. And now, I don't even know what I was so angry about." His fingers gripped back into his hair again.
Reid shifted awkwardly in the corner of the room.
"You thought I was cheating on you." He muttered quietly.
Hotch nodded. "I know. I was so stupid. So, so stupid." He turned round and rested his back against the couch again, looking at his hands. "I know you would never cheat on me..." He ran his hands through his hair, pausing for a moment. He clearly wanted to say something but stopped himself.
"But..." Reid continued for him.
Hotch sighed. "It's so stupid." He said, uncharacteristically hiding his face in his hands.
"Please, just tell me." Reid said softly. His voice was tired and heavy.
Hotch shot a nervous glance at him and then sighed again. "I- I just- sometimes when I see you two together... I feel like I'm not good enough."
Reid's brows furrowed. "What do you mean, 'not good enough'?" He asked in confusion.
"Well, he's younger than me. More attractive. Sometimes I look at you together and think that he's more the type of guy you should be with. Not some middle-aged man who doesn't know how to have fun."
Reid's eyebrows twitched. He'd never heard Aaron talk like this before. He'd never expressed such insecurities about their relationship. It shocked him to his core. He always thought he was the one who felt like he wasn't good enough, that Aaron deserved so much more than some young, skinny 'kid' who couldn't read social cues and would embarrass him all the time.
"Aaron... that's not true at all." Reid shook his head, his mouth dropping open slightly.
"It is, Spencer. You could do so much better than me. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. I've got so much baggage I could bring down a 747." He shook his head. "At least with someone like Morgan you could be young, have fun. Not be dragged down by me and all my issues."
Before Reid even realised what he was doing, he found himself moving towards his partner and sitting next to him on the couch. Hotch was still on the floor, so Reid put a hand to his shoulder.
"We do have fun. And you don't drag me down."
"Spencer, look at you. If that's not dragging you down then I don't know what is." Hotch shook his head.
The words left Reid's mouth before he even had chance to think about them.
"It's a blip." He said dismissively.
"A 'blip'." Hotch scoffed and turned to Reid with tears in his eyes. "This isn't a blip. I'm a mess, Spencer. I worry so much about you at times I can't even concentrate. The thought of losing you paralyses me. You should be free to live your life. Me and my fears are just holding you back."
"Aaron, no-"
"I am, Spencer." He pulled himself up to his feet and turned to Reid. "I am ruining your life. You don't deserve this... and I don't deserve you." He looked at him for a few moments, as his young lover stared back at him shell shocked. He sighed, then turned and headed towards the doorway.
Reid was suddenly up from the couch, crying out as his injuries complained at him. He quickly limped after his distraught boyfriend.
"Where are you going?!" He asked desperately.
Hotch stopped at the doorframe.
"I'm doing the right thing. I'm going to go to Dave's, tell him exactly what I've done and hope that when I do, he doesn't kill me. I will stay at his for a few days, give you chance to sort out somewhere to go."
Reid shook his head in confusion. "But I don't want to go anywhere."
"Spencer, I am trying to do the right thing here. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to even look at you." Hotch kept his gaze down in shame, the tears were still running down his face.
Tears now stung at Reid's eyes.
"This isn't the right thing!"
Hotch spun round. "Then tell me! What should I do?" Reid flinched back at the fast movement. "Look at you. You're terrified of me."
Reid's gaze dropped down in embarrassment. "No, I'm not."
Hotch tilted his head at him slightly, his voice was firm, but kind. "Yes... you are. And I don't blame you. You will never look at me the same way again; let me kiss you, touch you. You'll never trust me like you did before. And... and I don't want to lose you... but I'd rather that than see you looking at me every day the way you are looking at me right now."
Reid quickly shifted his expression to mask whatever fear Hotch was picking up on.
Hotch smiled despite himself. "You're so damn cute." He said with a sad, regretful laugh. "But hiding it doesn't make it go away, baby. That look will return and I won't be able to bear it." Hotch turned away again, intending to leave the room. He was stopped by a shaking hand to his arm.
"So... so what? You're leaving me? Just like that?"
Hotch frowned, refusing to look at his partner. "Spencer, I am trying to do the right thing, please let me. I really don't want to hurt you anymore. I can't bear it. All I've ever wanted to do is protect you."
"And what about what I want? I am perfectly capable of making decisions for myself. I don't need you to protect me. I'm a grown man." He said with a hint of frustration and anger. "Do I not get a say in this?"
Hotch sighed, his shoulders dropping. He turned and faced Reid with a guilt-filled expression.
"Things will never be the same again." Hotch said sadly. "You don't love me anymore, I can see it in your face, your expression, your demeanour." He dropped his eyes to the floor as more tears ran down his face.
Reid closed his eyes for a few moments, trying to muster up the courage to tell him that he had really hurt him. The violence was needless. The words he had used against him had cut him deep. And it would take time to get back to how they were, but giving up wasn't going to solve anything. But for some reason, none of those words would come. Aaron looked so downtrodden and desperate that Reid was scared that any form of reprimand or acknowledgement from him of the pain he was feeling might break him.
"I love you, Aaron." Reid sighed. "And I don't want you to go."
Hotch's eyes lifted quickly and examined Reid's expression.
"Really? Even after what I did to you?"
Reid shifted a little, the guilt was now in his expression.
"You were struggling. And I should have seen it. I should have done something to make you feel better. But instead I just made it worse by putting myself at risk and rubbing your face in it with Morgan."
"Spencer-"
"No, Aaron. I did nothing to help. I left you until you hit rock bottom. I should have seen it coming and I didn't."
Hotch put a hand to his cheek. "Spencer, you're only human... Okay, I have been struggling." Hotch admitted coyly. "But I should have talked to you about how I was feeling. About how much your behaviour with Morgan was affecting me. Or how much you not listening to me upsets and scares me."
Reid gave an ashamed sigh.
"And I didn't. And now I've done this." He stroked Reid's cheek again. "Even if you do still love me, I don't expect you to ever forgive me or want to be... intimate with me ever again. I don't deserve it and I don't deserve you."
Reid was filled with shame at this moment. It really had been his behaviour that had driven Aaron to the edge. All Aaron wanted was to be listened to. To be respected and have his feelings taken into consideration. And he'd thrown it all in his face. It wasn't surprising that Aaron was considering leaving. Never mind him not wanting Aaron to touch him, he was amazed that Aaron was even still considering staying with him at all after how useless and emotionally insensitive he had been.
Reid brought a trembling hand up to Hotch's face.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you and I made things more difficult. I didn't realise how I made you feel. I completely ignored your feelings and I'm so, so, sorry."
"Spencer-"
"No, Aaron. I know I'm not good with emotions. And I have promised you time and time again that I would work on it. And I just seem to be getting worse at it, not better. To have you thinking that I would rather be with Morgan than you. God. I've really messed up somewhere and the worst part of it is, I don't even know where or how."
Hotch saw the submission and the guilt in his lover's eyes and took the opportunity to pull him into a hug.
"It's okay, baby. It's not your fault. You didn't know what you were doing to me. I should have told you."
He stroked the back of his head now. He could feel Reid trembling against him, so he pulled him in tighter.
"Don't shake, baby. It's all okay. Everything is going to be okay."
Reid then wrapped his arms around Hotch's back and buried his face into his shoulder, finally breaking down.
"I'm so sorry." He sobbed.
Hotch held him close and continued to soothingly stroke his hair.
"We will work on this together, baby. Just you and me." Hotch whispered softly and kindly. "I know you didn't mean to upset me. You never do. I know that."
"But I keep doing it." Reid cried out painfully. "I keep doing things that make us argue and we end up like this."
"Shh, Spencer. It's okay. I overreacted due to the stress. We can work on this together." He gently kissed the side of his face. "I need to communicate more and tell you what I need from you, instead of expecting you to just know."
"I should know. I should already know. But I don't and I get so confused. I think I know and then I find I've got it all wrong." He pulled back from Hotch and looked him in the face. "I really thought things were good between us and things were going well. I had no idea how bad you were feeling." Tears poured down his cheeks. "I'm so stupid."
Hotch looked at him sympathetically. "You're not stupid, baby. You just struggle with things that aren't immediately obvious. I haven't helped you enough with it. And that's my fault. I've left you just to guess, and that was stupid of me. I promise, I will help you properly this time. We will work on it together. If we can fix this, I know we will never have another night like this again."
Reid shuddered. "I never want this to happen again."
"Me neither, baby. I will communicate with you more." He stroked his face. "Tell you what I need. And I know you need that, and I've been neglectful of that too. I promise you, everything will get easier."
"That would help a lot." Reid nodded sadly. "I try, I really do. I just... seem to always get it wrong."
"I will make sure it's straightforward for you, baby." Hotch paused for a moment, his gaze softening. "Like for example... right now." His hand moved down to stroke Reid's lips. "It would make me so happy if we kissed. I am desperate to kiss you, Spencer. I can't lose that."
Reid's eyes widened a little. His memory taking him back to a firm hand in his hair, being unable to breathe and Aaron biting his lip.
Reid's mouth dropped open slightly and he looked at Hotch unsurely. He saw a look of hurt and disappointment flash in his lover's features.
"I- uh..." Reid stammered, unable to think of a reason why they shouldn't. Standing up for himself didn't even cross his mind.
Hotch's hand left his face and dropped down to his side.
"I guess this isn't going to work. I've already ruined everything." Hotch dropped his gaze and sighed depressively. "I can't survive without that intimacy between us. I need you so much. And I've killed it. If we can't have that, then I don't know what either of us are doing here." Hotch said sadly, slowly turning away from his young lover.
Reid felt his chest tighten in panic as he saw Hotch turn to leave the room.
"No!" He grabbed him by the arm and turned him round. He crashed his lips against his dominant lover's, almost desperately.
"Whoa." Hotch laughed a little at the awkward manoeuvre then pulled Reid close to him, so their bodies were pressed up against each other.
Reid could feel his heart thumping in his chest. The kiss was not an enjoyable sensation for him. Every bone in his body felt like it was tingling. His limbs were itching to get away. He ignored every alarm in his body telling him that this wasn't safe, he shouldn't be there, he needed to run.
Hotch's hand then went to the back of his head, pulling him in closer and deepening the kiss with his tongue.
Reid felt light headed. He didn't want this right now. But Hotch did. And he couldn't exactly refuse when he'd only just sworn he wouldn't disregard his feelings again. The look of rejection in Aaron's face was too much to bear. If it meant he'd stay, then he'd kiss him all night if he had to. After all, it was only a kiss. They'd done it a million times before.
As Hotch picked up the pace with the kiss, Reid's palms began to sweat and his body began to involuntarily shiver. Pure adrenaline was running the show now and despite Reid working to justify it in his head, his body had completely entered fight or flight. And as usual, Reid's body couldn't make a decision so he wound up frozen.
Feeling the stiffness in Reid's posture, and the trembling of his limbs, Hotch pulled away and eyed him questioningly.
"Are you alright?"
Reid's cheeks flushed and he nodded, once again finding himself unable to use his words.
Hotch examined his face for a few moments and then stroked his cheek. "I love you so much, you know that?"
Reid closed his eyes and nodded, taking a deep breath through his nose. The panic was not settling.
"We're going to be okay. I promise you." He pulled him in for another hug. "If you just open up and listen to me a little more, we will be so perfect. I swear to you... This will never happen again." He squeezed him tightly and Reid gasped as the bruises on his back complained. Hotch instantly let go and pushed him back.
Reid's expression was pained and uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry baby, did I hurt you?" Hotch spoke gently, holding Reid's battered face in his hands.
The younger man didn't answer him. He seemed like his brain wasn't firing on all cylinders.
Hotch grabbed his hand. "Come on, let me take you to bed. We both need some rest."
Hotch then moved around the room, switching off the lamps until the only light was coming from up the stairs. He bent down and picked up their pants and boxers, throwing them over his arm.
"Leave that down here, Spencer." He gestured to the blanket around his waist that was keeping him decent.
Reid tried to form some words to say he would rather leave it around him, but he seemed like he was on delay. The next second, Hotch had pulled it away from him, leaving his lower half completely exposed. Reid's hands automatically went to cover his genitals, but a firm hand stopped him and moved them.
"Baby, don't be embarrassed. You're so perfect." He kissed him on the cheek as Reid stood there feeling extremely uncomfortable with only his t-shirt and socks on.
A moment later, Reid was squinting as Hotch put on the ceiling light in the room and moved towards him.
"Turn around, Spencer." He said gently.
Reid's eyes flashed with fear again, this time he managed to choke out a response.
"Wh-why?" He asked nervously.
"I just want to check on you. Make sure you are okay." He turned him around by the shoulders and moved to lift up Reid's t-shirt and the younger man practically jumped forwards.
"I'm okay!" He said quickly.
"Spencer. I won't be able to sleep if I haven't at least checked you over. It's the least I can do after what I have done... Please, baby. Let me take care of you." He said gently, his hands slowly moved back to the t-shirt.
Reid sighed and acquiesced to Hotch's request. He allowed the man to remove his t-shirt, leaving him stood in the living room, completely naked apart from his mis-matched socks.
Hotch gasped as he saw the large bruises that had formed on Reid's back.
"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry." He said tracing the bruises with his finger. "I didn't realise you bruised so easily."
Reid's brows furrowed slightly. That was never something he thought he did. Anyone would bruise easily if they were violently shoved multiple times into a bookcase. But once again, the words never made it out of his mouth.
Hotch slung Reid's t-shirt over his arm, it joined the pants and boxers that were teasing Reid with privacy. Reid's hand went out to take his clothes, but Hotch just took a step back and gestured for him to go upstairs.
"Go to the bedroom and lie down on your front. I'll get some arnica cream." Hotch said softly with a smile. If he was noticing any discomfort in his partner, then he was blatantly ignoring it.
When Reid hesitated, Hotch took his arm and guided him to the stairs.
"Go on. I'll be up in a minute to take care of you."
Reid's hand twitched towards his boxers hanging over his older lover's arm, but Hotch simply turned as if he didn't notice and headed towards the kitchen, looking through the medicine cabinet.
With a shudder, Reid began to descend the stairs, pathetically limping his way up, now completely naked and feeling increasingly vulnerable. But Hotch wanted to take care of him. His guilt was obviously eating away at him. So, he headed to the bedroom and did as was requested of him.
It didn't take long before Hotch entered, arnica cream in hand. When he saw Reid was lay on his front as requested, he smiled a little.
"Thank you for trusting me, baby. It means so much to me." He said as he sat himself down on the bed next to Reid's naked frame. "I'm going to take care of you, make you feel better."
Reid was still trembling but now he wasn't sure if it was from the shock or the cold, or a combination of the two.
"You don't have to." Reid's shaky voice finally pieced some words together.
"I want to, Spencer." Hotch said softly as his hands met with Reid's back, rubbing cream into all of the sensitive and bruised areas. "God knows, it's the least I can do."
Reid closed his eyes. Hotch's hands were not in the least bit soothing right now. He was overwhelmed. Trapped. He needed some time to figure out where his head was. He hadn't even had time to process everything that had happened before he was upstairs and completely naked with his lover's hands all over him again. Every touch burned. He knew the sensation well. He was very close to having a shut down.
They didn't happen often, but when they did, he needed a quiet room, where there was little to no stimulation and he could slowly get his senses back under control. Aaron didn't really understand it, but he had always respected it, allowing him to do whatever he needed to do to come back to him.
"Tardis." Reid said shakily. This was an agreed code word that Reid could use when he felt himself shutting down. He often struggled to speak when he was in this state, so communicating how he was actually feeling was near impossible.
Hotch stopped the movement on his back and lifted his hands away.
"Are you shutting down?" He asked softly. He saw Reid nod in response and Hotch sighed. "I'm only trying to make you feel better, Spencer." Hotch said, a hint of hurt in his tone. "I'm not going to hurt you. You know that, don't you?"
Reid's features twitched a little, then he nodded again.
"Okay. Let's get some sleep." Hotch said stroking a hand through his hair then he stood and moved to the other side of the bed.
Reid shifted himself onto his side and pulled the covers over him. He didn't know if he would find any rest tonight, but was relieved to finally be covered over and not fully exposed to the cool air of the bedroom.
His relief was short lived when he felt the mattress depress next to him and warm skin met his back. An arm wrapped around his waist and a face rested at the back of his head in his hair. The feeling of being trapped returned once again.
"I've been so desperate to cuddle you since I saw what I'd done." Hotch whispered in his ear. "I'm so sorry, baby. I love you so much." Hotch shifted so his body was flush against the younger man's back.
Reid realised with slight horror that Aaron was also completely naked.
This wasn't unusual. Aaron did sometimes like them both to sleep in the nude as he felt it connected them. Reid just hadn't expected it tonight. His eyes shot open as Hotch ran his hand up and down his stomach gently.
"Just relax, Spencer." He whispered gently. "Let me take care of you. It's the least you deserve after tonight." He kissed his ear and his hand wandered down between the younger man's legs.
Reid gasped and shook his head as Hotch took hold of his penis and began to gently stroke.
"No, Aaron." He managed to breath out.
"It's okay, baby. Let me do this for you. I want to do this for you. You deserve it. It will make you feel better and then you can get some sleep."
"You don't need-"
"Shh." Hotch whispered gently. "Of course I don't 'need' to. But I want to make you feel good. To make up for earlier."
Reid was beyond overstimulated now. Each stroke felt like it was setting off every nerve in his body. He shuddered.
"Okay, baby?"
Reid couldn't physically answer. His lips tried to move, but just coping with the sensations his body was producing felt like a mammoth task.
Hotch's lips were then on his ear. He nipped, and licked and breathed, making Reid's hair stand on end.
"I love it when I make you speechless." He whispered, nuzzling into his young lover's neck.
Reid shifted a little, trying to break the skin on skin contact against his back but Hotch wrapped a leg over one of his, pulling it back, so he was completely open to his ministrations. With his spare hand he pushed it underneath Reid's head and wrapped it around his chest, dragging him closer.
Reid was panting slightly now, sweat was forming on his back and brow.
"That's it, baby. Just enjoy it. I want to make you feel good. It means so much to me."
As Hotch's hand sped up its movements, Reid cried out a little. The pleasure felt almost painful. It was all too much. He went to move his hand down to steady Hotch's speed, but his wrist was quickly snatched by Hotch's spare hand.
"Just let me make you feel good. You don't have to do anything, baby. Just stay there and let go."
Hotch dragged his lips down Reid's neck again, earning him another shudder. He could feel goose bumps standing up on the skin on his arm. Taking that as a positive, he continued his movement up and down the young man's neck.
Reid's mouth had dropped open now into a silent gasp. Every pump from Hotch's hand sent a shooting sensation through his body. It was a heady mixture of pleasure and pain. His body twitched and jerked with every movement.
"I can tell you needed this." Hotch said with slight amusement and pride. "I have obviously neglected you, I'm sorry, baby." He whispered into his ear again, sending a shiver down Reid's spine.
Hotch could feel Reid's body stiffening as he neared orgasm. He stopped and stroked the tip of his penis, causing Reid to gasp and shudder once again.
"I love you when you're like this. Your body is so sensitive." He stroked the tip again and Reid cried out in desperation.
"You want to come, baby?" He nuzzled back into Reid's ear and began stroking slowly again.
Reid was absolutely covered in sweat now. He nodded frantically, desperate for this to be over. The pleasure was too much. Every touch was like an electric shock.
Hotch's hand sped up its ministrations and soon Reid was reaching his climax, spilling out over Hotch's hand and his own stomach. Reid moaned and gasped as he came, his whole body shook violently. Once he was done, he went completely limp, taking harsh breaths in and out through his mouth.
"I love you so much." Hotch said gently, moving his now sticky hand up to stroke at Reid's stomach.
All Reid wanted to do now was go to the bathroom and clean up. The stickiness on his skin was another sensation that was proving too much to cope with. He could feel each drop of sweat trailing down his back, tingling and tickling. He needed to clean himself up. He felt claustrophobic in his own skin.
He shifted slightly, aiming to get himself to the bathroom but Hotch's arm just pulled him close again.
"Goodnight, Spencer. I'm so sorry about tonight. I promise, it will never happen again." He said gently, kissing his neck. "You are my world."
His leg was still entangled in Reid's and he had hold of his wrist. His other hand was wrapped tightly around his stomach keeping their bodies flush against each other.
Reid's chest was tight and tense. He couldn't sleep like this. He never slept like this. Aaron knew he liked his space in bed. They would cuddle, but when it came time to actually sleep, Reid would turn on his side and they would separate. He would often wake up to find Aaron's arm strewn across him in the morning, which he didn't mind. He liked it, but when it came to actually getting to sleep, any contact could prevent it completely. His head needed that lack of stimulation in order to properly switch off.
He knew it disappointed Aaron; he was a cuddler. Reid had joked that the man would climb inside his skin if he could. He felt bad about it, but he couldn't help it.
He heard Hotch give a contented sigh and he squeezed his eyes shut. This was exactly the sort of thing that Aaron was talking about. The sort of thing that would hurt him and Reid wouldn't even think about. Aaron just wanted to be close to him, like every normal partner does. It wasn't his fault that his boyfriend was strange and had all these sensory issues. It wasn't his fault that his boyfriend didn't act like a 'normal' person.
Reid took a calming breath. The stickiness on his skin was now drying into a stiff coating and he could feel an itch building beneath it. With Aaron holding the wrist of his free arm, he couldn't even relieve it. Taking a few more deep, but quiet, breaths. He attempted to relax his muscles, hoping that would relieve some of the sensations his body was going through. It didn't work. If anything he felt more on edge.
He then heard a gentle snore in his ear. Hotch's face was buried in the back of his head in his hair and was now fast asleep. In that moment, Reid resented his ability to fall asleep in this position. He wondered why he had to be so different and why he couldn't just do the things that normal people could.
He opened his eyes again and stared at the wall in the vain hope that if he kept his eyes open long enough, he would begin to feel the pull of tiredness.
Aaron then shifted in his sleep and his hand drifted downwards, cupping Reid between the legs. He gasped as the already oversensitive area moaned at the fresh touch. Reid froze up, thinking that Aaron might want to pleasure him again. But it seemed it was something he'd done unconsciously as he slept.
Reid breathed out again, trying now to relieve the burning sensation between his legs.
It didn't work. Nothing worked. He spent the next 3 hours trying to will his brain to switch off. Trying to get some sort of space for himself, which proved impossible. Every time he moved, Hotch would counter it, pulling him deeper and deeper into the cuddle until their bodies were practically one.
After a while, Reid gave up on the notion of sleep altogether and he just allowed his mind to drift to books he had read recently and enjoyed. As he recited the words in his head, he finally drifted off into an uncomfortable and fitful sleep.