"The only heaven I'll be sent to
Is when I'm alone with you"

- Hozier

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I look at Soujiro as he sits there with this horrified look on his face.

Kaoru also looks to be prodded into a state of shock once he asks her who the creature was standing next to her in the picture shown on her phone. We were silent for a beat and Kaoru mumbles in an unsure tone, "I.. I don't.. What?"

Soujiro sits up straighter and looks at her dead in the eye and asks again. Louder this time.

"Who is that creature sitting next to you!"

"Soujiro," I lean towards him and he immediately lifts his hand in my direction, silently telling me to back down, "..?"

Kaoru stammers for a moment and then chuckles, "O-oh! I know! His name is Okita, I think.. Yeah, he's one of my boyfriend—"

"—He's a rapist!" Soujiro's voice falters into a breathless whine at the end there, and he shuts his eyes painfully before hanging his head. He says nothing more and we both sit there, floored by this.

"A rapist..?" Kaoru turns to me with a confused look on her face, "I don't understand..?"

I shake my head and shrug at her, unable to answer her question in my defense. I turn to Soujiro again and he sits up straighter again, looking up at the ceilings with a smile in disbelief.

"I can't believe.. he's here.." He shakes his head with a whisper, sighing.

"Okita.. You told me his name before," I ask him carefully, "Hon, who is he?"

"He's my ex-boyfriend.."

I gape at him. Kaoru also stares at him. The information suddenly strings itself together rapidly inside our heads and we feel cold from the realization as it hits us.

"Soujiro, don't.. don't tell me this guy.." Kaoru gasps quietly, placing a hand over her mouth.

Soujiro takes in a quivering breath and nods his head to confirm. I fee like someone just threw a bucket of ice cold water on me just now.

"Just.." I shake my head to try to come back to Earth, "Tell us what happened. Tell us who he is. Tell us everything!"

His face reddens and so do his eyes. Oh fuck. I know that look from anywhere. He's going to cry and will probably attract attention from everyone. Luckily we seem to be the only ones here right now, but more customers might come in soon, and the last thing we need is a wailing Soujiro blubbering about a sexual assault publicly. We have got to get him out of here.

"Come on," I stand up, my head nearly swimming from the news, "We should go."

Kaoru nods rapidly and gets up to gather our paid drinks and foods, "You can come to my aunt's place. No one is home right now. It should be fine."

I look down at Soujiro who looks like he's trying his best not to start sobbing, "Come on, babe."

He pauses, closing his eyes with his mouth open, wondering if he should say something to deter our ideas.. but alas, he closes his mouth and nods, opening his eyes to look at me sadly.

Oh, Soujiro..

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Kaoru lives in a townhouse now.

It's a cute place, and it's clear that the people she's living with both have enough money to live in such a nice neighborhood. I try my absolute best to stay calm despite almost losing my shit at the café upon seeing Okita's face on her mobile screen. The air smells faintly of some kind of candles that might've been her aunt's idea. The place is clean and spotless, and Kaoru takes it upon herself to put our drinks into proper ceramic cups and the scones on plates to warm it up in her microwave.

Kenshin, meanwhile, rubs my upper back with his hand while rubbing my cheek with his other hand.

I want to kiss him so badly, but I know I can't. His ex-girlfriend would catch us and probably not feel good seeing us like this. It'll remind her of what she lacked that made Kenshin want to run away from her and into my arms, instead. Funny, when you think about it. I thought I was the one who lacked something important. Learning about him and her dating made me want to cry endlessly, and it was a heartbreak I couldn't stand to bear.

I thought I was the one who didn't deserved Kenshin.

At the end of the day, I am a guy, just like him.

I can't give him children.

I can't make him look normal to other people.

And I don't think a lot of people would want to attend our wedding in the future..

But.. with Kaoru..

If I had never met Kenshin, they would have made the kind of couple that would make everyone around them happy. Everyone knew them as these close lifelong friends who would've made such a great couple. Kenshin's a bad boy in every sense of the word, but Kaoru would've made him settle down eventually with her good girl charms. They would've been able to get married easily and made all their friends and family come to the wedding. They'd be able to have children. They would be seen as normal..

But..

Looking at Kenshin now, with the way he's looking at me..

I guess, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe Kaoru was the one who lacked whatever it is that would capture his heart. And a small part of me still feels guilty about it. Kaoru's a good woman. She deserves the entire world, and then some.

I step away from him so that he can stop touching me, shaking my head, "Let's.. Let's not be affectionate here."

Kenshin frowns, "Soujiro..?"

I grunt, eyeing the floor with my arms crossed over my chest, "I.. care about Kaoru. And I don't want to hurt her."

Silence.

"Alright.." His voice sounds so soft that I couldn't help but turn back towards him to look at him gazing at the floor sadly, "I understand."

Oh, Kenshin.

I feel myself feeling sorry over him and wanting so badly to go back to letting him touch me again. Or hug him or kiss him and maybe even drag him somewhere out of here so that we could make out in private. But alas, we are here for a reason, and that reason comes waltzing back into the living room where we are both in, carrying a tray of our refreshments.

"These should be warm enough," Kaoru sets the tray down on the table and takes her respective cup and plate of the scone before sitting down on a couch, "But let me know if I need to add some more time."

We take our things and take a sip. Kenshin is the first to smile at her, "It's perfect. Thank you."

I think dating me has seriously softened him up. Either that, or this is how he has always been with Kaoru. I could see that, to be honest. Kaoru was always the one friend he needed to handle with care, after all, since she knew him the longest and seems like the sensitive type. That, or maybe the fact that they dated previously means he wants to be extra nicer towards her.

Which I can understand.

I smile at her brightly, "Yes. Thank you so much for inviting us over. Your aunt's place is so nice!"

Kaoru giggles, "She's always had an eye for details, I swear! I loved visiting her when I was younger. Living here with her, my uncle, Ayame and Suzume fills me with so much joy."

"How is Toki, by the way?" Kenshin takes a bite of his scone.

"Oh, she's fine. Same as usual," Kaoru waves her hand casually, "The fact that I'll only be here for the next few months makes me sad. But I'm definitely excited for the next chapter in my life. My guidance counselor told me recently that she thinks I have what it takes to study at a really great university here if I wanted to."

"Really? That's great!"

"Yeah! I've been studying so hard and tried to take up an extra activity so that my resume will look really good for the school admissions."

"Cool. Are you still going for mathematics?"

"You know, I've been thinking, and I know this is a huge decision, but.."

"But?"

"But, I've been thinking.. that I maybe I want to go into the medical fields instead."

"Really?! That's awesome!"

"I know, isn't that cool? I'm thinking maybe something for women's health, or maybe become a pediatrician."

Kenshin scoffs with a smile, "Kaoru, this is insane. I knew you had the brains for this!"

"Really? Thank you!"

I sit there quietly, looking into my cup.

"Oh!" Kaoru turns to me now, "Soujiro, I.. I guess you and Kenshin will be choosing your colleges soon too, right? What are you planning to study?"

I blink at her, caught off by her trying to include me into their conversation. I blush and shrug, "Oh, I, uh.. I want to study pre-law. And I'm not sure which school, yet, because Kenshin hasn't decided yet on where to go."

"That's because I don't know how I'll do in the entrance exams," Kenshin sighs, "I'm pretty sure I'll end up at some safety school, just like I always thought. But Soujiro doesn't want to go to a separate school even if he got into a great school some place else."

Oh, please!

I gripe at him, "That's because we made a deal! I helped you studied so that I know we wouldn't separate!"

Kenshin looks at me weirdly and I immediately feel my cheeks welling up with heat.

Kaoru seems to catch on the weirdness in the air because she immediately puts her hands up and chuckles nervously, "G-guys, guys! There's no need to worry! I understand exactly how you feel, Soujiro. I want to go to the same school as my boyfriend, so I think I get it. Are you going to go to a safety school with Kenshin if that's his only option for now?"

Calm down, Soujiro. You are a guest. You need to be respectful. I grunt, nodding at her to keep the conversation going in the right direction.

"Yeah," I answer her determinedly, "He tells me I shouldn't, but I don't care. It's only for a couple of years, anyway.. we can transfer to another school after that."

"But you are going to study in Kyoto still, right?" Kaoru frowns at the both of us now, "Or, is there another place you two are thinking about?"

"Well.." Kenshin shifts in his seat uncomfortably, "I wanted to stay in Kyoto no matter what.. but.. if Soujiro ends up going to that amazing school in Tokyo or something, then.. I don't know."

Oh, come on, now! Don't turn me into some unreasonable asshole of a boyfriend in front of your ex! I place my plate and cup on the table and decide to defend myself, "I'm studying in Kyoto. I don't care about anywhere else but that city. It's where Kenshin wants to stay in, and.. that's where I'll be, too."

"Ah," Kaoru smiles awkwardly, "That's actually kind of you! Kenshin has such a soft spot for Kyoto. It's his hometown, after all."

Yes. I know that by now! I gulp down my irritation and decide to play nice for today.

"Besides," I smile cheerfully, "If you do decide to come back to Kyoto, then it would be a shame to miss you if Kenshin and I were to study someplace else. I want us all to stay connected and spend time together throughout college, no matter what."

Kaoru places her hand on her cheek, "Gosh, that's actually sweet of you. I'd love to study in Kyoto if my boyfriend is open to that."

"Don't plan your future around him," I shake my head, "He should be planning his future around your goals. You're the lady here, after all."

Kenshin sniggers, "Oh, so her boyfriend has to rearrange his whole life to appease her, is that it?"

I shoot him a coarse look, "Not what I'm saying, I just think he should be mindful if he wants to keep her, that's all."

His eyes widen for a second but then puts his hands up defensively, "Alright, alright, sheesh."

Kaoru giggles, "This is fun. You're fun."

We both softened and blink at her, surprised by that comment. Is she comfortable with us again? In spite of all that happened and what we put her through? She takes a sip of her drink and I feel myself smiling calmly at her, happy that we can reunite as friends like this.

After we're done eating and drinking, we go to her new bedroom and watch as she sits on her bed to face us. Kenshin takes a seat on a chair in front of a vanity mirror while I take another seat on a rocking chair.

"So, Soujiro," Kaoru hugs her new teddy bear in her arms that I'm assuming her new boyfriend got her recently, "You told us that Okita is your ex-boyfriend, right? And he did something bad to you back then, correct? Do you.. still want to talk about it?"

I can feel my breath getting caught in my throat, and my fingers curling over my lap nervously. We are all quiet for a few moments before I am able to nod, "Yes.."

...

I told them.

I told them everything.

About how I met Okita. About how he and I used to be just friends. About how I started to fall for him, but didn't wanted to, because of our families and what was expected of us. About how I tried to keep my distance from him, and how he took it to heart. About how he confronted me one summer and how that basically started our entire relationship. How he was basically my first time at having real sex, and more or less, my first time having an actual boyfriend. How it was all good at first..

Until it was not.

About how he brought a camera into the bedroom, and forced himself on me. And how he recorded that whole ordeal. How he berated me with such cruel words.

How it broke me..

"I.." I exhale and feel the tears running down my face, ".. And then.. I was moved away.."

Kaoru and Kenshin look on, completely hurt by what they're hearing. For the first time in a long while, I feel as close to Kaoru as I used to when we were all just platonic to each other. Before she became Kenshin's girlfriend, and my competition for his love.

Before everything went to shit.

Kaoru abandons her teddy bear to walk on over to me to at least put her hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me as I cry in my hands.

For the longest time.. I thought I didn't deserved to have any real friends.

I thought Father was right, about everything and everybody.

But..

Kenshin comes over from the other side to also try to comfort me, and right now, I am between some amazing friends. It took a while, but then I continue to talk about my life; my childhood, and how scared I felt when I realized that I wasn't born like all the other boys. How I would experiment with those same boys quite young, and thought I'd be able to get over it. About how sleeping with Okita made me realize how much I loved doing things like that, even if he didn't deserved my purity at the time. And, perhaps, out of a moment of complete and total vulnerability.. I talked about my time in Russia. About being stuck in that conversion therapy school, and how I ended up letting a bunch of guys use me.

That was hard. It was hard feeling Kenshin's uncomfortable gait towards me, and also hard to feel Kaoru look at me with a different set of eyes now. Like she can no longer see me like how she sees other guys in general. It's one thing to be a guy that is caught sleeping with a guy friend of hers. It sucks but it happens.

But it's another thing when that same guy consistently slept with a lot of guys before.

It's hard to explain unless you're in my position..

But it hurts.

"I'm!" I suddenly exclaim, catching Kaoru by surprise, "I'm sorry, but.. I just want to let you know, Kaoru.. that I'm just as masculine as any other guy!"

Kaoru blinks rapidly and then smiles in disbelief, "What? What are you talking about?"

"It's just.. I feel like, telling you about all those guys," I blush and look at my hands shyly, "I don't know.. it makes me feel like you are looking down on me now.."

Kaoru looks at me for a while and then sighs, "Soujiro. I don't look down on you for sleeping with all those guys. Or because you are gay. I feel like you're too hard on yourself. It's too much to bear, because then you just.. because then you just take it out on me!"

I gasp and look at her, surprised by how loud she got at that last part, "Kaoru.."

She exhales, irritated, "Soujiro, I.. Look. I'm sorry. I really like you. I do. But I need you to let go of this resentment you have over me. I need you to let it go already. It's all too much, and.. Well, this isn't fair for me!"

Oh no.

I sit up straighter and reach out to her, touching her arm helplessly, "I don't resent you! Kaoru.. I.. If anything, I'm envious of you!"

She scoffs, but I press further, "It's true!"

Her face slowly softens as I continue.

"I'm serious, Kaoru! I'm.. I was so jealous of you, and I hated that you are able to be with men like normal. I'm the one who has to go through so much shit on the other side of the fence. But that isn't your fault at all! I was jealous of you and I hurt you because of that! But in the end.. all it did was hurt me. Because.. I lost a great friend. I lost you.. and I missed you so much, Kaoru.. I did.. You were the most favorite person I've ever met, outside of Kenshin.."

"Soujiro.." Kenshin rubs my arm.

I look at Kaoru with misty eyes now, "Kaoru, I.. Believe me.. I care about you and cherish you and I adore you so much. I knew I had to warn you about Okita, because if he ever did anything to hurt you.. believe me, I.. I think I would kill him. Because no one gets away with hurting a beautiful girl like you!"

Kaoru looks moved by all of this, and she touches my hand with her own after almost a minute of thinking to herself, ".. Oh, Soujiro. I.. I forgive you. And really.. thank you. For everything."

Kaoru!

I couldn't help but get up clumsily from my seat and quickly go to hug her. And thankfully, she embraces me back.

I miss this. I miss her so much. I miss our friendship.

I love what I have with Kenshin and Sanosuke and everyone else, but Kaoru feels so familiar to me. She, like me, loves to work hard at school, and enjoys making sure everyone is taken care of. She loves being there for Kenshin before, just like I do right now. She wants to do something big with her life, just like I am.

There's no other girl who makes me feel so inspired, now that the envy is gone. I don't think I feel this way even with Asahi, even if she does understand what it's like to be gay.

Kaoru..

I'm so glad we can reunite.

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"You did great, Soujiro."

We're back at the hotel. After that big hug I shared with Kaoru back at her aunt's house, we had to say our goodbyes. Her boyfriend was going to pick her up for dinner soon, and Kenshin and I wanted to also grab something to eat. It's a shame we never got to see her family or the new beau. But seeing Kaoru was more than what I could have asked for, really. She looks so much happier now that she got the proper space to heal from what we've done to her.

I hope she succeeds in medical school. Her dedication to go to school for a long time proves that my envy and admiration towards her was well deserved. If nothing else, she inspires me to work extremely hard for the next few years in school and everything else in my life, too.

I sigh contently, leaning my head on Kenshin's shoulder, "You think so?"

"I know so."

We're now sitting together on the couch, facing the television. Kenshin decided to put on a movie for us after we got finished up showering together, and we are nestling together with just a couple of bathing robes on. They belong to the hotel, of course, but I like how nice they feel and how white and pristine they look. It doesn't compete with the luxuries I used to experience with Father, back then when we traveled and stayed in lavish hotels, but.. it's good enough for what is worth.

Father..

After all that's happened, I'm surprised he hasn't tried to contact me directly. I guess our threats of exposing him scared him good, because he's making sure to not piss me off anymore. He's tried to contact me indirectly, of course. First, through the gift basket that my homeroom teacher had to deal with. Then it was with Asahi in a weird way, and then finally, with Mr Saito the other day when he caught wind about the press trying to come for me at the school.

But other than that..

My phone is completely void of any new messages from him.

It's strange, really.

I know better than to even admit this..

But it's weird.

I think I might miss him.

Does he know I will see Mother soon? What will he think of that? How would that make him feel? Would he finally disown me completely? Maybe he already has and is just keeping quiet. Maybe I'm already cut off from the family will and I'll receive absolutely nothing once he passes away. I'll definitely no longer be able to take over his company now that I've rebelled against him severely.

But.. Father..

I wish I could ask, how are you?

Do you miss me?

Do you still hate me?

Do you still wish I had been born differently?

...

"Soujiro?"

I blink, startled. I look up to see Kenshin looking at me with concern, ".. Yeah?"

".. You were quiet, suddenly. What's wrong?"

Kenshin..

I don't want to fight. I know you wouldn't approve of me thinking about my dad right now. Especially while we're sharing a romantic evening together. We're already having so much fun together, and we even got to reunite with an old friend, too.

Why fuck it up with my usual wishy-washy ways?

I smile, "It's.. It's nothing. I'm just looking at the movie and realizing what an amazing time I'm having with you."

He stares at me for a couple of moments, his face not moving or saying anything at first. My smile fades away and I wait, and he still doesn't budge. I opted to give him another smile and move closer so that I can give him a kiss on the lips.. only I am stopped by his three fingers pressing gently against my lower lip.

"Soujiro.. What is on your mind?"

I gape at him. How does he know that I'm thinking about someone that I probably shouldn't? We look at one another, and I feel cornered by the intensity of his gaze. He has an arm around me already, and I know there's no way for me to turn or run even if I wanted to. I feel my eyes drop onto his lap, defeated, ".. I.. I'm just.. thinking about my dad.. that's all.."

Silence.

"Why?"

I gulp.

".. I don't know. Just.. Wondering how he's doing. That's all."

".. Do you miss him?"

I shrug with one shoulder, "I don't know. I don't know if I do. I just.. feel so weird being away from him for this long. I lived with no one else except him, after all.. I feel like I never felt super close with anyone, except for him.. he's my dad, at the end of the day.."

He takes a deep breath and exhales, contemplating what I just said quietly. He nods, "Yeah. I get it."

".. Kenshin?"

"Hm?"

"Are you mad at me?"

".. Why would I be mad at you?"

"It's just, you're against my dad and everything he stands for, and yet.. here I am, still thinking about him. You must be mad at me."

Silence. I don't like this quiet.

"Well. I'm not."

Oh. I see. I smile sadly, my eyes floating down to his chest. He keeps his eyes on me, rubbing my arm with his hand he has around me. I guess maybe I was prepared to be yelled at, or to defend myself.

But.. I suppose even Kenshin went through a big change inside of him, too. Maybe me coming out publicly has inspired him to be brave about his own feelings, too, instead of running away or being aggressive to hide his vulnerabilities.

"Do you miss.. your dad?"

"Huh? You mean Hiko?"

"No. I meant.. your real one.."

"Oh. Uh.. I don't remember him much. I definitely miss my mom more than I miss him.."

I look up at him, reaching out to touch his cheek with my hand lovingly, "Your mom was so beautiful, Kenshin. You look just like her, I swear."

He smirks, "You're such a dork."

I exhale, "Kenshin! Please! I'm trying to have a moment here with you!"

He pulls me in all of a sudden and my lips are crushed against his, kissing me. My entire body feels like it's on cloud nine. I smile against his lips and we part, his smug smirk still plastered on his face, "Better?"

I sigh, "Yeah. Better. Thank you."

We continue to watch the movie. We made love and hung out, and pretty soon, it was time for sleep. I'm beyond wiped out at this point, and we still have homework to do in the morning to play catch up. We would work on school work during the morning before heading out to do sight seeing; we shopped and dined and experienced all that there is to experience in this small city. We try our best to just have a good time before we have to be picked up by Hiko on Sunday morning, when we are then taken to the one place I've been anticipating for a very long time.

To go see my mother.

I am nervous as I sit in Hiko's truck. He is in a chipper mood as usual, and told us how much he missed us back in Kyoto. He asked how this city was and if I had fun, to which I responded enthusiastically that I did. Kenshin would then snipe at Hiko about the mystery woman that he is seeing, but Hiko would only laugh him off and play the radio to drown out his teenager, much to the latter's annoyance. I try to stifle my own giggling at their shenanigans, finally feeling as a part of their family. The weather is cool and damp on this Sunday morning, but the warm air from the truck's ventilators kept me comfortable. We drove for several hours to Hamamatsu, where my mother is being held at one of their care facilities.

It's a nice, quaint city. It feels much different than Kyoto, for some reason.

Hiko parks his car inside of a large public parking garage and is given an all-day ticket. We walked across the street to go inside a building of this care facility, and I am hit with the smell of rubbing alcohol. I scrunch my nose and am suddenly reminded of all of my times in hospitals for injuries and illnesses. And of course, the memory of being with Kenshin when he had to get surgery done for his nose.

The smell soon goes away, as we are given a quick tour guide by one of the secretaries and head deeper inside the building. We had to go through the senior care section, in which the smell has gotten worse. I try my best to keep my facial expression blank so as to not offend anyone. We go through the terminal illness hallways, and I wanted so badly to just grab Kenshin's arm or hand as we have to walk trough all the open doors of people sleeping on their beds—some on life support, while others are in what I could only describe as plastic bubbles to keep germs away from them.

I suppose Kaoru could stand this sight better than I could.

"And here, we are entering the ward for the mental health department," The secretary, a sunny redhead with equally tinted lips to highlight her dazzling smile, "At the word of the Kyoto Police Department, and because you are the biological son to our patient.. we welcome you, Mr Soujiro Seta."

"You must be excited." Hiko smiles down at me, and I look at him, feeling myself getting flustered all of a sudden.

"Oh! Uh.. Yes," I smile shyly, looking at the secretary and Hiko, "I really appreciate all of this. Thank you."

"This must be her room, huh?" Kenshin looks at the door that we all naturally stop together, just because the secretary stands right in front of it.

"Mm-hmm. I will go in first to talk to the nurse, and then I'll be right back." The redhead smiles at us brightly before opening the door and closing it behind her, leaving us all in the hallway.

Kenshin turns to me, "Ready?"

I quickly shake my head no, prompting him to chuckle.

"What! Why not?" Kenshin smiles at me playfully, and I glare at him.

"It's not funny. It's serious.."

"I'll say," Hiko nods at the door, "This facility is no joke. I have to wonder how your mother was faring for all of these years for her to end up here. I have no doubt your father drove her to a fragile state, that son of a.. Sorry."

I sigh with a smile, "No. It's okay, sir. My father really is a horrible person. I'm accepting that now."

"Soujiro.." Kenshin touches my arm.

I smile back at him now, "It's okay. I'm okay. And.. I'm ready. To see her now."

"We're here for you, Soujiro," Hiko turns to me, "No matter what happens, please at least know that. You are not alone anymore."

I'm so happy to have found my real family.

Not the woman that lies behind that door.

Not the man that raised me for all of these years to prepare me to take over his throne.

Not all of my relatives that I've long since forgotten most of their names and faces.

It's this one. This is my real family. The man who has taken care of a young boy completely unrelated to him, and the boy who is now a man that I love more than anything in the world.

This family.

The door opens suddenly and the secretary peeps out in the crack to nod at us now, "Alright, we're ready. Do you need a minute?"

Kenshin bravely takes my hand in his and looks at me. I look back at him. We smile at the same time, intuitively, before turning back at her.

"We're ready." I say, and the door opens completely.

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"Hi, mom."

(To be continued)