Chapter 10: Asking questions could be dangerous

"Pathfinder," SAM's voice was in her head and she didn't know how it was possible, but it made her headache worse. "There is a new memory fragment available."

"SAM please, not so loud." When the AI didn't respond she continued, "You're making my headache worse."

"I'm not speaking louder than I usually do."

"Just tell me what it is," Ryder growled.

Ryder's head was pounding. It was one of the worst headaches she ever experienced in her life, simply because it was unlike any other headache. Her neck and shoulder blades hurt. It felt like they pounded more than her head, every movement reminded her how sore she was. Her muscles was in spasms. Her eyes hurt. She rubbed her eyes hoping it would lessen the pain but it didn't. It took a while before her eyes got used to the brightness of the light. She wanted to dug her eyes out.

Maybe it will feel better then?

Every part of her wanted to do nothing else but go to the Tempest and call it a day. But Tann's conversation of the previous day played in her head over and over again. Reminding her of what was at stake. And she decided she needed to see it now.

"A new memory is available."

Seeing the memory was unexpected. She learned why her dad came to Andromeda, and now that she thought about it, it made perfectly sense.

But the side of her that loved finding answers - her curiosity, couldn't help to wonder about this mysterious Benefactor.

It was the first time Ryder has heard about the Benefactor. She never gave it much thought.

But something about this smelled funny. This Benefactor didn't even show her/his true face. And that was just the caller. Who knows, it could be a group, it could be anyone. But why was it the first time she heard about them?

Nobody talked about it. Nobody said a word. Ryder had almost nothing to go with.

To Ryder it seemed that Alec Ryder didn't go to the Initiative because for his sense of adventure as everyone thought. He went to Andromeda for her mom? So that this Benefactor can pay for SAM?

Then Dad must've ran out of time because there was no cure for Ellen Ryder. Nobody wanted to but they all had to say goodbye to her. The hardest day of her life wasn't when they said goodbye to a grave or hearing the amazing stories about the type of person her mother was. And though she wouldn't mind to hear them, her mother's death was still raw, fresh. It still stung at the time. Ryder didn't want a reminder of that. The hardest day of her life was when she spoke to her for the last time. And now she experienced the same memory, but from a different perspective. They all knew it would be the last time. Even Ryder but she didn't want to admit it. She kept hoping that if her mother hold on longer they, or someone will find a cure.

She still hoped there was a chance… But then she saw the dread in her father's eyes. She asked him to tell her anything but that. Her dad just kept staring at her, his eyes were colder than ice. And she knew.

Asher had an easier time accepting her death than Amber Ryder did. Or maybe he just pretended.

Ryder never blamed her father for trying to find a way to save her mom. If she did then Ryder would be a hypocrite, because she did exactly the same thing. She did blame him for using all of his time on it though, and nothing on his dying wife.

But her mother is dead so why did he came? Why didn't he hand SAM off and stayed? Was it too hard for him? Being reminded by everything that has happened? Or was it something else?

Maybe the Benefactor blackmailed him. After all the Benefactor didn't even want to show their true face.

Then something else came to mind.

"SAM?" Ryder was still sitting in her father's room staring at the monitor, blinking. Processing all of this. Or trying to, this will take some time to getting used to.

"Yes Pathfinder."

"What are the chances that Jien Garson was actually murdered?"

She waited for SAM to answer but the silence felt impossibly long.

"Jien Garson was killed-"

"I know SAM," she bit her bottom lip, "but what if that wasn't the case." After all this wouldn't be the first time someone tried to make a murder look like something else. What if that was the case here?

"As I said before, you should speak to Director Tann."

Of course SAM would say that. It could all be a coincidence. She checked the time and saw it would be too late to talk to the Director.

It was better this way, because she wasn't sure there passed enough time after the conversation they had the day before. Ryder was pretty sure Tann wouldn't appreciate her questions today.

"You're up early," Drack remarked when Ryder got to the galley.

She switched the coffee machine on and gave Drack her full attention, "I have a lot of things to tick off my list."

Ryder didn't know if it was because she had a couple of things she needed to take care of today, or if it was because she couldn't stop thinking about the memory she saw, but she was refreshed and ready for the day ahead.

This was exciting. Hunting the truth made her feel more alive. It was something to look forward to.

Her plan was to finish any unfinished business, that meant Kerri's interview and talking to Tann and take things from there.

It wasn't long until Ryder's coffee machine was finished and she started to prepare it further. The smell of coffee filled the galley. She took a sip from the coffee, her lips to the mug, smelling the coffee before she could taste it. She was starting to get use to the taste of bitter coffee. Ryder didn't enjoy it as much as she used to but it was getting better.

"I thought I smelled coffee," Liam said cheerfully. "Mind making me one?"

"Sure," Ryder said as she pour the pot of coffee into another mug, making sure to add sugar and milk. She could feel Liam's gaze burning the back of her mind.

"What?" she asked as she turned around. She could tell there was a question on his lips but he wasn't sure if he could ask her or not. "You know you can ask me anything."

"I don't know how you can do it." He walked up to her to get the steaming mug from her. "Drinking coffee without sugar," he shook his head as if it was the most disgusting thing he can think of. As if he couldn't imagine a galaxy where people drank coffee without sugar. "I wouldn't be able to do that."

Ryder blinked in surprise. That was the last thing she expected to hear.

Drack mumbled something that sounded a lot like, "You humans are weird," and left. Leaving Ryder and Liam alone. Ryder was glad she didn't need to answer Liam immediately after he asked. She was still pondering over her words, wondering what the appropriate response would be.

But she frowned. Anyone could drink coffee without sugar. Some even prefer it. It wasn't like you needed to have a special skill to do it. "You don't think you can do it? You know, lots of people drink their hot beverages that way."

"Yes, I know. But," he placed his half empty mug on the counter. Steam was still coming from it. "They want to drink it like that. You do it because the choice is made for you."

Ryder shrugged, Liam was right about that. "Well I can, I'll just have to pay afterwards," she gave him a wink. But Liam's face was too serious. It made things awkward between them.

"That's not funny Ryder."

"Oh, c'mon Liam. Don't be so serious about this all the time. Lighten up," she touched his shoulder before placing her empty but still hot empty mug in the sink.

She didn't understand why people always reacted like that when she said things like this. Ryder once said something about insulin to lighten a tense moment in the med bay. She wasn't serious of course. She can't remember what she exactly said. It was after a low and her memory was foggy.

Lexi would never slap someone. Or at least Ryder have never seen Lexi pissed enough. But that day Lexi gave her a flat look and she thought it was the day their Tempest doctor would slap her.

After savouring her coffee with Liam she tested her sugar and took her insulin, she ate some cereal. Ryder was lucky to get her hands on the whole wheat kind. The ones the Tempest had before she couldn't have anymore.

The cereal tasted flavourless and she ate it quickly. Not wanting the taste of it to last in her mouth too long. Her eyes focussed on the box that the others ate from. It wasn't the best cereal she had but it tasted much better than this. She shook her head hoping to get rid of the thought. She had her own food, own diet.

She reminded herself it was poison to herself. But no matter how much she reminded herself, it didn't convince her.

That wasn't particularly true. She could still eat it when her sugar drops but it was better to get it out of her system.

Just as she was about to leave the galley, her omni-tool beep, before she could even wonder who it is SAM spoke, "You have a message from Director Tann's secretary."

Ryder send him a message the previous day asking if she could speak with him. She frowned opening the message, scanning the words quickly.

It was impossible to say how Tann felt about seeing her again since this wasn't his words.

Let's hope I don't ask Tann any unwanted questions.

But Ryder knew this thought came in vain.

Talking to Tann was somehow enlightening even though he didn't give much information. At first she thought he wouldn't give her any. That was until he spoke of Jien Garson's mysterious death circumstances.

"Wait," Ryder stopped him. "You're saying her death was never investigated?"

"No…not exactly." The Director shifted uncomfortably, as if Ryder put him on the spotlight. "The Scourge made perfect sense. Do you know how many people's lives were lost back then?"

The Nexus Uprising was not a pleasant subject for many, especially those who experienced it. It was a subject some people used to explain some actions, but there was few that went into detail.

Tann used it as his defence. As if Ryder accused him of something horrible. But she was just after the facts and looking for the answers to her questions. The way Tann spoke about the previous Director told her that he thought a lot of her. He clearly missed her dearly. Ryder wondered how things would have been if she was still alive.

She didn't know the exact number of people that lost their lives. There were reports, and then all information about the exiles mysteriously vanished.

Even though it was a possibility that Jien Garson's was killed by the Scourge, nobody thought to investigate it? It was the perfect circumstances for a perfect murder. One would think because she was the Director of the Initiative someone would look into it.

"Nobody could looked into it afterwards?" Ryder asked. She tried her best not to sound curious.

"Whatever you're planning to do," the Director warned, "I suggest you drop it." Tann gave her a very disapproving look. "You are not an Investigator. You are a Pathfinder," he said, as if she forgot that somewhere down the line. "You have more important things to keep yourself busy with. I suggest you get back to your actual job."

Ryder knew when to let things go, or at least to pretend to. "Consider it dropped."

This didn't mean she would stop however. The next stop would be Jien Garson's old apartment.

"Are you sure there is nobody here?" Ryder asked, as she stood before the door that once was Jien Garson's apartment.

"Positive," the AI gave no evidence of being annoyed that Ryder would ask him this. She knew SAM was always thorough. He never betrayed her, and he never will. "It's not wise to break into this apartment." That didn't stop him to disapprove of Ryder's plans however.

"There's not really anything else I can do. I can't risk Tann finding out." She annoyed the Director enough.

Ryder never trusted Tann before but now she trusted him even less. His behaviour was strange to her. It wasn't like he didn't want her to peruse this because she was needed somewhere else, it was like he didn't want her to find the answers at all. Why was that? Did he hide something he didn't want their Human Pathfinder to find out?

Or was Ryder simply reading too much into this?

"Do you suspect that Director Tann is hiding something?"

"Oh," Ryder said as e the door slide open, "I don't suspect it. I know it."

"How can you?" SAM almost sounded curious and Ryder frowned at the thought of it. "You don't have any proof."

"Not yet. I have a feeling in my gut." Ryder wasn't sure if it would be enough for SAM.

"Okay, let's get to work," she spoke more to herself than SAM. "I need you to tell me if anyone is approaching the apartment SAM."

"Yes Pathfinder."

Ryder scanned every little detail of the apartment. She did so until she reached the bedroom.

"Pathfinder," SAM stopped her process, "This is where Jien Garson was murdered."

Ryder continued the scan, until the scene of the previous Director's murder was recreated. A man was standing over the director's body, having done the deed.

"So I was right," Ryder wished she wasn't. Because a million other questions popped in her head. Who killed Jien Garson? Was she blackmailed? Was the Benefactor involved with this? Whoever murdered her over whatever reason this complicated things.

She finished her scan of the room. Her omni-tool spit the words out. NO DNA FOUND.

Of course, Ryder expected as much. The murder happened months ago. It couldn't be that simple.

Upon searching further Ryder found something she didn't expect to find.

"Pathfinder," SAM said after her scanner stopped screaming, "The wall contains a secret room." A part of her – the part that loved finding answers, the part that loved mysteries – got excited. Because never before has Ryder gotten the opportunity to explore a secret room.

"Pathfinder, why are you excited?"

Shame. That was what she was feeling. Suddenly she felt uncomfortable in her own skin. Someone was murdered and the prospect of finding out the truth made her excited. She was a horrible human being. Ryder shouldn't have been excited over this.

"I'm not." It wouldn't help to lie to SAM but yet that was exactly what Ryder did.

If SAM had the ability to frown he would have. "Pathfinder-"

But she interrupted him, "Just leave it. It doesn't matter if I'm excited over this or not."

Ryder couldn't help to wonder what the room contained and why Jien Garson had a secret room. That was until she found a datapad that contained a certain recording.

Either the previous director was paranoid or something serious that nobody was aware of was going on. Ryder's guessed it was the latter.

Next up was going to the Cultural Centre.

"Pathfinder," Ryder was sure she could hear a hint of urgency in the AI's voice, "Someone is approaching the apartment."

For a moment Ryder panicked, she froze, not being sure what to do. Then she closed the secret room, the wall closing like a door, hoping whoever the person who was approaching wouldn't find it. After all it was hidden for a reason.

Ryder knew it was foolish and probably the most obvious hiding spot but she crawled under the bed, hoping she wouldn't be found.

She heard the door slide open and with it footsteps. She couldn't tell who or what they looked at, but they worked slowly. Clearing every room. They activated their scanner. Ryder's heart was threatning to climb out of her throat.

Then they spoke," Negative. Nobody's here." From their vocals Ryder could tell it's a turian. Male. Maybe a security guard?

Did someone see me entering or are they just doing a general sweep. When she heard the door again signalling that they left the apartment Ryder led out a breath she just realized she was holding.

She waited another 10 minutes before leaving the apartment.

"So, what?" Ryder asked SAM when she made her way out of the Cultural Centre, "There's nothing else I can do about this?"

"The next memory might contain answers," SAM reminded her. Instead of it helping, it did the exact opposite.

Why couldn't her dad just have given her the answers? One thing Ryder never understood about her dad – and there were many things she didn't understand about Alec Ryder – was his ability to not be straight with people. Especially with his children. She knew Asher had the same problem with their dad. He could never give an answer yes, or no. It was always in the middle. A riddle you needed to solve. One statement could mean a million different things.

In truth she hated having to work to get his memories. It was as if she was required to prove herself. She did enough of that when he was alive.

"You need to stop doing that," Niria said many years ago. If Ryder remembered correctly they were teenagers at the time.

"Doing what?" But Ryder knew what her friend was trying to say.

"Stop trying to prove yourself to him. If he doesn't see your potential that's on him not you."

Niria was right of course but at the time she couldn't admit it. It took Ryder a very long time to realize that her father's approval wasn't something she needed. And after that it still took some time when she stop seeking it.

She was the only one who knew how Ryder and her dad's relationship truly was. Some thought they had a good relationship. Others thought they had a bad one. But none of them knew the truth. Niria was the only one in her life that she trusted enough. And even that trust took a long time to build up.

"SAM," Ryder decided to ask what she wanted since her father died, "Did you ever understand my dad?"

"As I share a symbolic relationship with you, I did the same with your father." That doesn't answer my question. But she didn't say that out loud and SAM continued, "Many people said he was a complicated man."

That was an understatement. She almost snorted at his words. When Ryder was a kid she always thought that if there was something like a genie out there, then she would wish to understand her father better. She always tried, seeing things his side of things, but that never worked.

"Never mind," Ryder said. All of these memories just reminded her of the past. And she'd rather not think about a time in her life that was already over.

"Are you going to share your findings with the Leadership?"

"No," Ryder said firmly. She wasn't sure who to trust with this information. This all couldn't be a coincidence. Jien Garson's murder had to be connected to the Benefactor."

Ryder wouldn't go as far to say that one of the leadership was involved – she did trust Kesh – but that didn't mean she could tell them about it. In fact, she couldn't tell anyone about this, except maybe her brother. This might've gotten the director killed. And running around today, hunting down the answers, the feeling that Tann was hiding something just grew stronger and stronger.

But before anything else could happen Ryder needed to find out more information and for that she needed to wait for the next memory fragment. However long that might take.

You never could make things simple, could you Dad?

The reporter had a lot of questions. More about how this influenced her diabetics and what she needed to change than anything else. It dragged on and on, and Ryder was very surprised that Kerri didn't ask the one question. Do you believe you are fit to be the Pathfinder?

Ryder shook her head as if to get the interview out of her mind.

She had to wonder what the people thought. Normally it wouldn't matter what others thought. But if people didn't think Ryder could do her job then it could count against her.

"Ryder."

She walked straight into Addison of all people. Her eyes searched to see if the woman before her was angry. She was one of the people that Ryder liked the least.

"Are you alright?" Concern was an expression Ryder haven't seen before on her face. Addison never asked her something like that before. Did Ryder walked into another Universe where she and Addison wasn't at each other's throats?

"Yeah, I just have a lot on my mind." But Ryder had a feeling that wasn't what she meant.

Addison and Ryder couldn't see eye to eye. Maybe it had to do with how they met. How Addison thought Ryder was incapable of filling her dad's shoes. That she won't be able to do her job. She really couldn't say. Or maybe it was that something always bothered her about Addison. But no matter how much she tried she couldn't place her finger on what it exactly was.

"How are you feeling after the ketones?"

Of course, Addison knew about that. The whole leadership did, but Ryder didn't think she would bring it up. Clearly, she was wrong.

"Feeling much better," she shot her an assuring smile.

"I'm glad." And something told Ryder she really was. But then Addison began the last conversation Ryder had the energy for. "That's really dangerous. You know my sister's friend was a diabetic."

Was. Meaning she died. Please don't go there. Please don't go there.

But of course, it would be too much to hope for.

"She didn't look well after herself," Addison continued oblivious to Ryder's thoughts. "Later she had kidney failure but that was only the first of her problems…"

Somewhere in Addison's tale she stopped listening to her. Not because she didn't want to hear about it but because her thoughts screamed louder than her thoughts did.

What if that is me one day? What if my death won't happen at the battlefield but in a hospital room, where machines is keeping me alive?

Ryder isn't afraid of dying on the battlefield. But dying alone, helpless, with no will to live. Feeling how her body is giving up on her. That reality scared Ryder more than she would care to admit.

Fear was building up in her throat, trying to strangle her alive. Her heart beat faster and faster by the second as the thought of it grew more and more. Suddenly she didn't have any air left to breath.

"Pathfinder, calm down." It was an order from SAM. That was a first, but she knew he was right. She needed to be calm. It won't help Ryder in the long run if Addison realized her tale was making Ryder freak out.

But no matter how hard she tried she couldn't calm herself. Did this part of the Nexus always seem so small? Wasn't it always bigger before? Why did it feel like the room was shrinking? She needed out. And she needed out now.

She felt SAM doing his part, or more accurately trying. But the AI could only do that much.

"Are you alright?" Addison asked again, this time she was frowning. "I don't think I've ever seen you this white."

Ryder took a deep breath, even though she struggled she could take it more easily. "Yeah, I just remembered I need to get to a meeting," she lied. "I have to go. Thanks for the talk."

Ryder didn't wait for Addison to respond she ust walked away. She hoped that wouldn't bite her in the ass.

Why did I thank her? Did the leadership felt to motivate her? Because this had the opposite effect.

Ryder knew all the dangers of diabetes. She didn't need a lesson, especially from Addison of all people.

After Ryder calmed down she returned to the Tempest, setting a course to Kadara. Afterwards she sent a message to Reyes that said:

Can we talk? I'm heading to Kadara.

It was short and simple.

Ryder got the extra insulin and hoped the mother with the sick diabetic was still doing okay. Hopefully this will help them for a bit.

Maybe once they found Meridian things will be better. But that was wishful thinking. Ryder could only hope.