Hermione refused to be the one to break the long quiet. Afraid that her instincts had picked up on some clue that her conscious mind was too clouded to appreciate. A silent warning to be careful… and she had chosen to tear down the meticulously laid bricks of subtlety and outright denial.
"I need another drink." His sighed words were heavy with the confession.
"You don't have to answer." She reminded him.
Her bottom lip stung with the pain of her bite when she felt the shiver of magic in the space between them. She heard him unscrew the top of the bottle and continued to pick at the defective denim at her feet. Ignoring his offer of the foul intoxicant.
"Your loss." The edge that she wasn't ready to see was still there in his voice, so she kept staring at the chunk of rock as he took a shot.
"You couldn't pay me a hundred galleons to take another drink of that shit." She said bluntly, not caring if it was crass.
He chuckled darkly at her assertion and she heard the sounds of glass against stone as he set the bottle down next to him. Apparently, under the notion that he would be needing another swing of the stuff soon. "Noted."
"I mean it, Draco. You don't have to answer…" Her reiteration was followed by a quick glance over shoulder at him. Just long enough for her to gauge the cold smirk that had settled on his lips.
"Good, because I wasn't planning to."
Without warning she turned in the confines of the cage his legs made, sitting on her knees so the soles of her feet were tucked up underneath her. Her hands were folded neatly in her lap, she stared up at him through her eyelashes as she asked a much different question. "Last week… Why did… Do you find… Gratification in that kind of thing with me?"
"I told you, pet. The very first time we were together…" He leaned forward so his face was in hers. The smell of the spicy liquor made her nose twitch again. "I like being in control. That means I enjoy being the one to decide how, when or if you get to cum."
Her breathing hitched, betraying what his words did to her but she shook her head, intent on getting this very important answer, "That's not what I meant… Why do you like doing it to me?"
"Hmmm… That is a good question. Would you believe me if I said that I think it boils down to the trust you place in me during those moments. Even though you shouldn't, you still find some way to let your guard down so completely…" He reached up and brushed an errant curl from her face before continuing. "Or maybe, I am simply a pervert… Who knows for certain?"
Hermione felt her shoulders sag with her relief, "So it doesn't have anything to do with my parentage?"
"Gods, is that the scenario you've spun inside your pretty little head?"
She wanted to deny the accusation but the truth of the matter was plain. She had been spending way too much of her limited freetime worrying over the reasons he seemed keen to inflict pain on her. The most rational conclusion was he wanted to punish her for her status. Whether it was a repressed predilection or not had remained to be seen. And there he was, in front of her, disturbed by the thought of her ruminating over such topics.
"How badly did I break you before anyone else did, Kitten?" He wondered aloud.
"You are giving yourself too much credit, Draco. It was a concentrated group effort."
Her acknowledgement sent his shamed gaze to the floor, while his hands worked into tight fists that rested on his knees. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the way the muscles in his arms flexed at the physical expression of his pent up rage. For the second time that night, her survival instincts were triggered and she had to fight to stay put. The prey drive screaming about the immediate danger she was in.
"So that absolves my part?" He glared at her, unwilling to accept her attempt at softening the blow.
"I didn't say that."
"Then what are you saying, Granger?"
"I…" She came up short and decided to change the subject. "I'm saying that you never answered my question!"
"What?"
"Do you like spanking me like I am some insolent child in need of reprimanding because you hate the fact that I am muggleborn?" There was no sugarcoating it this time, she studied his face as he finally looked back up at her.
"Of course not! I made sure you were a willing participant through the entire process, remember?" He was starting to look panicked and his eyes scanned her face wildly for the indication that he'd done something wrong that night. Trying to summon his usual bravado, his voice cracked on the effort of his jest. "It's… It's not my fault you like it rough."
"I'm not trying to make you feel badly. I just want to understand…" Hermione consoled.
"What's more to understand, pet? I would pluck the stars from the damn sky and lay them at your feet if it meant I could feel the ecstasy of being sheathed inside of you. If I would have known you were lying when you told me you would express any discomfort…. I never…" He trailed off and looked back down to the floor.
"Draco…" When he wouldn't meet her gaze, she scooted forward so he had to look her in the eye. "Listen to me. Now. I am not trying to make you think that I didn't enjoy it. Or that I have lied to you about vocalizing my feelings on any unspoken boundary being crossed. Is that clear?"
Very slowly the overcast demeanor seeped from his features and he straightened up from the hunched stance he had involuntarily taken on. "As crystal."
She moved as well. Keeping their eyes locked so he couldn't slip back into the nightmare his mind had created with her prodding, "Good. I don't need your cliched stars. Or fairytale meadows. Or ancient firewhiskey. Sometimes… Sometimes all I need is the reassurance that I'm enough."
"Ugh! You are so fucking blind." He groaned in frustration.
"Are you ready to move on?" There was no use in arguing with him over something as trivial as her worth.
"Yes."
"Good!" She leaned forward and pressed their lips together in a quick kiss.
His lips twitched against hers and when she pulled away, his eyebrow was arched in question. "I thought you wanted me to behave…"
"I do." Hermione sighed in irritation at his inability to calm his out of control libido, "This one reminds me of… Things."
She turned around and slipped back onto her bum before starting the next song.
Some days, you're the only thing I know.
Only thing that's burning when the nights grow cold.
Can't look away, can't look away.
Beg you to stay, beg you to stay, yeah.
Sometimes, you're a stranger in my bed.
Don't know if you love me or you want me dead.
Push me away, push me away.
Then beg me to stay, beg me to stay, yeah.
Call me in the morning to apologize.
Every little lie gives me butterflies.
Something in the way you're looking through my eyes.
Don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive.
Fight so dirty, but you love so sweet.
Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth.
Late night devil, put your hands on me.
And never, never, never ever let go.
"Is there anything in those rules of yours about what happens if I decide to no longer be a gentleman and take you to bed without answering your question?" Draco asked as she leaned forward and pressed the stop button.
"Not officially, but I would think we could do some tweaking to Section 8, Paragraph 3… Something about becoming my slave for life should be sufficient." She told him, talking to the wall so she wouldn't smile and encourage his flirtatious ribbing.
"Mmmm… That is a steep cost." He recognized solemnly.
"Oh? I would have thought it was nothing compared to carpeting the ground under my feet with stars?" Unable to stop herself this time, she looked over her shoulder with a teasing smirk on her lips.
"Are you asking, Kitten, because I thought you didn't want the baubles I can offer?" His head was tilted to the side, expression innocent.
"I don't..."
"Then you better continue with your interrogation." His gaze left hers and took refuge in the detachment of the stone behind her. "My servitude, has unfortunately, been indentured to another."
"Draco…" She went to turn around so she could reassure him, but an arm folded around her and held her to him.
When she tried to pull away his grip tightened and he spoke gruffly, "Don't. Ask your question, please…"
"Okay." Hermione looked down at the crisp stitching of his standard dress shirt. Entranced by the miniscule white loops that chained together, she let words pass over her tongue without thinking of them. "You are responsible for Katie and Ron getting hurt."
It was a statement, not an inquiry.
She felt as he tensed against her at the bombshell. Every muscle was rigid as he spoke from between clenched teeth. "How did you figure it out?"
"I didn't. I had my suspicions…" Her voice was even, a surprise with how hard her heart was pounding in her ears. "But, you just confirmed them..."
Neither one knew how to respond to the jarring divulgence. She had believed he would become enraged at her audacity to suspect such sinister things about him, not confess to the unimaginable. The reality of the situation was too horrendous to comprehend.
He hurt her friends. He used an Unforgivable on a fellow student. He was the one she had spent hour after hour wishing she could curse while she waited to find out if Ron would survive. He wanted to…
"How is killing Dumbledore fixing something?"
"That's not what I have to fix." His words were like ice, chilling the blood in her veins. "It's a bonus."
"You don't mean that…" She felt the instinctive flex of the arm that held her to his chest and she wanted to shriek her frustration. How could he possibly think he would be able to shield her from the agony of his own making?
"I don't?"
The treasonous but unavoidable tears sprang to her eyes. Darkening her already narrowed field of vision. No longer able to focus on the odd-shaped black splotch of rock she had found sometime during their conversation, her mind spun. "He… He can help you."
"What's your last song?" Draco ignored her plea.
Her voice trembled as she shook her head in denial. "I… I don't want to…"
"I said, what is your last song, Granger?"
She shuddered at the unconcealed order and leaned forward against the cage of his arm, "I just like this one, I guess."
Her finger was barely able to push the button, his grip was absolute as she stretched. Unwilling to let her leave the confines of his body. Even momentarily…
Blank stares, faithless.
Vampires at the same places.
Shadows, traces.
I know that you feel me.
You're runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'...
Making the rounds with all your fake friends.
Runnin', runnin' away from it.
You can strip down without showing skin, yeah.
I can see you're scared of your emotions.
I can see you're hoping, you're not hopeless.
So why can't you show me? Why can't you show me?
I can see you're looking for distractions.
I can see you're tired of the acting.
So why can't you show me?
Who are you in the dark?
Show me the scary parts.
Who are you when it's 3 a.m. and you're all alone?
And L.A. doesn't feel like home?
Who are you in the dark?
Thick and polluted the silence after the song seemed to go on for an eternity. She struggled to get to the radio again and finally turned the whole thing off with a jab to the edge of the power button. The sound of the cd skidding to a halt grated on what little was left of her nerves. Her body was stiff against the vise-like hold he still had her in.
"What's the question?" His voice was full of the expected venom.
"Let me go." Hermione demanded.
His fingers spasmed on her side and he buried his head in her curls. The breath he took was long and made him shiver and then he finally listened. Releasing her in one quick movement his arm laid limp at his side.
She almost fell forward from the force of her attempts to break free. Barely stopping herself from landing face first into the stone floor. Her eyes closed as she tried to refute the contradictions that buzzed like agitated wasps in her head. Their vicious stringers impaling any rational thought that tried to break free from the swarm.
In desperation to save whatever was left of the destroyed soul behind her, she whipped around and hid in the crook of his neck. Ignoring the shock her sudden closeness caused. Her eyes were clenched closed as she begged into the rough fabric that was pressed into her face. "Please, Draco… Please, come with me!"
"No."
His simple rebuff sucked the air from her lungs. Between the viscous quality and sudden infinitesimal quantity, her breaths were quick pants of panic. "Please, just listen…"
"I do listen." The muscles in his neck and shoulder bulged with his hostility. "You are the one with the issue of hearing what is said."
"Draco…"
He interrupted her, unmoving as he shattered the tenuous grasp she had on her ability to think coherently, "You should go."
"No! Come with me!" Her sobbed appeal did nothing to soften the statue she leaned against.
When she went to put her arms around his waist, his hands slipped in between them and found her shoulders. The following push was gentle but firm as he extracted himself from her touch. "See… This is what I am talking about! I have told you to leave this subject alone and yet you refuse!"
Humiliation at his merited reprimand bowed her head as he stood. She scrambled for any way to fix the oncoming spat before it truly began. "You… You need help. He… We… We can help!"
"Oh! You think you can help, do you? Alright, Granger. I will humor you and we can play out your little hypothetical for a second…" Draco towered over her now, darkening her tunneled field of vision with his shadow. "I go with you. Admit all of my terrible wrongdoings. The quack decides to help. What happens when her requirement for acceptance is the release of my father from Azkaban? Hmmmmm?"
Her jaw worked with the false optimisms that she wished that she could utter. Promises of a guaranteed reunion would only end up broken. There was no way the Ministry would assist in such an ill-advised endeavor. Amnesty for the pair would be hard enough to win. Despite the information they could disclose, the public would riot if a known Death Eater was allowed to walk free months into his sentence. So she kept her head down in a different tactic, hoping he would wear himself out if he was allowed to rant.
"Let's say, by some miracle, our glorious Headmaster was able to pull it off. What happens next? Our past mistakes will brand us as untrustworthy to our supposed new allies… And we live in hiding as pariahs for the rest of our short lives? Jumping at every loud sound as we wait to be tracked down and tortured to death by the wizards and witches we once considered friends?" His vocalized worries grew louder until he was almost shouting the last question. He groaned and took a step back from where she cowered. "No… I refuse to entertain this silliness further. I refuse to go anywhere with you."
"Okay." Her vision was still dimed around the edges and she tried to blink the distracting blight away as she stood. Legs shaking with the exertion it took to keep upright, "We don't have to go tonight… You can… You can think about…"
"Do you fucking hear yourself?!" He bellowed, taking another step back when she jerked at the echoed accusation. A slow breath lifted his shoulders and when his eyes found hers the mask was perfect, "I thought I told you to leave."
"And I thought the fact that I am not a good listener has been made abundantly clear." Hermione challenged the dismissal.
"Get out."
"No."
Another pained moan tore from his throat and a hand ran through his hair while he fought to control his temper. "I don't want you here."
"That's too bad. We can…" She sighed, trying to work more oxygen up to her brain so her muddled thoughts came out correctly. "We can work through all of it, okay? I know you are angry and scared… And… and a million other things, but I care about you."
"Why?"
"Because… I…" His crushed tone had her closing the space he had put between them and she could feel as the heat colored her cheeks, "...I love you."
The hasty announcement was not planned. On the contrary, she had wanted to list off the good things she knew about him. How she knew that Ron and Katie had been accidental casualties in his desperation. Avoidable, if his inept plans had never been enacted in the first place, but no one besides the intended target was supposed to be hurt. Hadn't she figured that tidbit out weeks ago… Long before the connection of the attacker's identity had started to solidify.
That she doubted the validity of his poisonous statements shouldn't even need to be voiced. Offers of star-plucking didn't come from the mouths of wizards who murdered feeble geriatrics for fun. Of course, that was much too complicated to articulate and her mind had settled on the easiest summarization of the complex sentiments.
"Fuck you."
His ruthless spurn did its job and she rocked back on her heels. She took the intended step back and nodded slowly, as if he hadn't just dealt the final blow to her fragile psyche.
"I will not be manipulated." He spit the cruel accusation at her before closing the short distance she had managed to make and loomed over her. His hand came up and she involuntarily flinched as his fingers hooked the chain that sat around her neck. He pulled the locket from her shirt and they stared down at the gift.
She wanted to pull away, but she was a gutted effigy of the person she had been before those two words. A useless shell to be twisted by the consequences of her disastrous choices…
Draco clenched the necklace and yanked until the chain snapped. Measured, but still low his threat was direct. "I will only ask nicely one more time… Get out! Go tattle like the unrivaled bitch you are. I don't care anymore. Just fucking leave!"
"Fine." Her arms tucked around her middle in a protective gesture, too late to be of any use. She kept her eyes on his fist, concentrating hard as she made her tongue speak the words that sounded flat but she couldn't leave unsaid. "I… I'm sorry for… Everything."
His hand dropped out of her view and without something to focus on, she turned and walked to the door. As if on autopilot she slipped through the gateway to the harsh reality of a world devoid of him. It was staggering enough to make her forget all of the reasons she should not be found wandering outside of the Room of Requirement in the middle of the night.
Harry… The Map… Little House-Elf Eyes… Order Members popping in for Secret Meetings…
The list went on and on but she couldn't find the fortitude to muster up the strength to remember or care about a single one. His roar of torment preceded the sound of glass shattering and then the finality of the click of the latch behind her.
It was over... And she had been right.
Draco Malfoy had been the death of her.
It just wasn't physical.
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"Teeth" by 5 Seconds of Summer
"In The Dark" by Camila Cabello