Shrill howls of laughter drifted up from where the bravest of the younger years frolicked at the edges of the Great Lake. Splashing in the frigid waters was worth the risk of frostbite to show off for their more sensible friends who stayed further inland. Hermione's eyes were closed and her face was raised towards the warm beams of sunlight as she ignored the impulse to meddle in the equally childish schoolyard game next to her.

"Shag Dumbledore, he's been around forever and has to have picked up a couple of tricks by now… Marry Sprout, she takes good care of her plants… Kill Flitwick, he has been piling on the homework lately…" Seamus reluctantly answered the outrageous framework laid out for him by Ginny.

The responding cackles of levity made her cave and she snuck a sympathetic peek at the flush-faced wizard.

"Imagine that grizzly coin purse coming at your face!" Dean's jest drew more laughter along with a couple of horrified looks.

"We could have lived our whole lives without that visual, thanks." Ron chimed in, turning the particular shade of green that signaled he was close to being sick.

There were murmurs of agreement from everyone present. Encouraged by the relatively lenient hazing compared to other explanations, Seamus smirked while taunting his friend back, "Your turn then… A unicorn, veela, and graphorn."

"Shag the veela, duh... Marry the unicorn, you could sell their hairs... Kill the graphorn, for obvious reasons…" Dean listed off easily, not giving his reasonings much thought.

"Come on now…" Harry joined in on the fun, his arm wrapped loosely around the waist of the unusually quiet redhead at his side. "You wouldn't be curious about those tentacles?!"

"Ewww! Gross, nobody wants to hear about your weird kinks, man!" Mock disgust twisted Seamus' face into a spot-on impression of smelling spoilt milk. "Before we know it, you are going to be telling us the godawful details about banging Ginny on your Firebolt."

Having just returned to a somewhat normal color, the shade of crimson Ron turned was a valid concern. Even more distressing was the measured tone in which he delivered his sharp warning. "Hey, watch your mouth, Finnigan… That is my sister you are talkin' about."

Hermione caved, mostly to mute the hushed whisperings of the targeted couple as they jokingly began to work out the logistics of said endeavor, and interrupted the impending quarrel. "I thought the point of this stupid game was to start conversations… Not an open excuse to roast each other?"

"There is no point, Hermione, it's all in good fun," Seamus explained like she had managed to miss the obvious purpose of the pastime.

"Fun? For who? Ronald almost vomited and had a stroke in the span of minutes. Ginny was near tears over the things said to her about choosing to have relations with Lockhart. Neville quit without answering… The choices are supposed to encourage reflection and an actual discussion between participants."

"Show us how it should be done then, Miss Know-It-All," Dean retorted, defensive after the scolding.

"Fine." She shrugged and turned to the other side of the small circle. "Luna…"

The witch looked up from the newest edition of the Quibbler in her lap. "Yes?"

"Would you like to give it a go?"

"I would. Thank you for asking." Luna smiled and handed the newspaper to Neville, who had been helping her solve the issue's Rune Riddle.

"Neville, Ron, and Dean."

"Hmmmm… I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings…"

"If they can handle imagining gargling old wizard balls, their fragile masculinities can deal with an honest ranking from one of the hundreds of witches they are in proximity with every day."

After a hasty glance around the group, the wide-eyed girl tilted her head in contemplation, "True. I will need a minute to think this conundrum through."

"Oh… Oh my, is that a methodical scrutinization of the options that I am hearing?" Hermione asked no one in particular.

"That's not fair! She is Ravenclaw and would do that no matter what." Ron accused, forgetting the hypercritical slight had been given in support of his complaint.

"All of us, except for you, would take an extra moment to ponder the broader ramifications of their choices."

"What 'broader ramifications' should there be to such a dumb question?"

"Politics and egos, to start."

Luna clapped her hands together to draw everyone's attention, "She is right but I think I managed to figure out the arrangement I could live with."

The whole group turned in unison to the soft-spoken girl, including Harry and Ginny who'd stopped their hushed musings to bear witness to the drama her looming answers would surely stir up. Ron, Dean, and Neville looked nervous, each sobered by the dread of being hypothetically murdered in favor of two of their dormmates. While Seamus leaned forward, unable to contain his excitement at the prospect of more ammunition for future jokes.

"I would shag Neville because he would be sweet but he is interested in someone else and one night will have to do… I would marry Ron because he can be really mean sometimes but he is loyal and wicked funny… I would reluctantly kill Dean, because I have to pick someone, and indifference to mistreatment can hurt worse than the initial affront." Luna's wispy tone did little to alleviate the harsh shrewdness found within the three candid sentences.

"You… You think I am mean?"

"How could you kill Dean?"

"What mistreatment am I indifferent to?"

"Who is Neville interested in?"

An onslaught of requests for clarification were thrown at the witch. Before she could begin to answer one another immediately followed. Hermione smirked and relaxed back against her palms, satisfied that her point had been proven.

"I think you can be careless with your words. I explained why, Seamus. You've never defended me against the scores of jokes and pranks you've witnessed over the years." Her answers were effortless, as Luna's concentration was stolen by the leaves rustling in the soft breeze. "If you need to ask, you will have to wait to find out when their relationship progresses and he is ready to share."

"Witches these days are certifiable!" Seamus grumbled under his breath.

Dean elbowed his friend in the side, his dark brown eyes wide with his exasperation, "Shut up! She was literally complaining about bullying two seconds ago."

"Bollocks… Right… Sorry…"

Indifferent to the crude crack at chivalry, Luna flashed an insincere smile, "It is okay. I am loony, after all."

Once again, the circle fell silent with a few short sentences from the tranquil pixie. Everyone present was forced to face their own failure to defend the young witch from such taunts. Some of them, Hermione included, had even used the descriptive ridicule on occasion. Ron looked particularly shaken by the unavoidable recognition of his excessive amount of accidental cruelty over the last two years.

Unaware of the multiple existential crises she had inflicted, Luna leaned against Neville's shoulder and went back to working on the puzzle that was discarded in his lap. The cathartic inquiry forgotten in favor of solving the allusive brainteaser.

"Good Gods, Hermione, you were right! This discussion is such a nice respite from our earlier foolishness." Sarcasm twisted Dean's concession into a bitter grievance.

"Change is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomfort." Her rationalization did nothing to soothe the ache of her hubris, much less ease the wizard's bruised conscience.

"Says the one who refused to answer from the jump."

"Forgive me for not wasting the breath it would take to choose between a hinkypunk, bundimun, and gytrash."

"We are playing by your rules, remember?"

"Indeed, terribly unfortunate that Luna has found better entertainment." Hermione tried to sidestep the official challenge that she, and everyone present who still paid attention, knew was coming.

Harry, Ginny, and Seamus watched the verbal sparring like a tennis match. Their heads swung from side to side in a synchronized dance of enthrallment. None of them were willing to miss a moment of the civil struggle for compliance. The older Weasley was too busy with his personal quandary over his integrity to give anything else notice.

"Yes, that is very sad…" Dean cast a look of exaggerated longing at the cuddled pair before his demeanor flipped and he turned back with a jovial smile. "I do happen to have a trio that I would love to hear your thoughts on. If you don't mind, that is."

She narrowed her eyes in suspicion, "Of course, you do."

"Scared, Granger?"

"Absolutely terrified." Her snarky response sounded more like an admission. "But, please, do go ahead…"

"Bulstrode, Malfoy, and Parkinson."

"Very funny!"

"I am serious. I'd be willing to bet a hundred galleons that the resulting discussion from your answers will be just as enlightening as Luna's was."

"There won't be a discussion because I am not going to engage with such an asinine premise." She rolled her eyes at the absurdity of, at least, two of his picks before glancing in the direction of the maintained shrieks of elation from the shore. "I mean really… In what universe would it be permissible to ask me something like that?"

"This one, where we have crossed the line into asking about our friends. Why should our enemies be off limits?"

Seamus attempted to interrupt with a hesitant warning, "Dean…"

"Oh, I don't know… Because your only justification for asking is anger at the rightful spanking Lovegood gave you." Hermione snapped. Past the point of caring about diplomacy, she glared at the wizard. "You are not curious if I would choose Bulstrode, Malfoy, or Parkinson to screw, wed, or end. You want that sick spark of satisfaction when you watch my pain at having to imagine any of those scenarios."

"Now, now Granger. You should be nicer to your friends." An unmistakable voice drawled from behind her. "Go on and answer him, since we are all anxiously awaiting your rationale."

The unexpected reservation from Finnigan suddenly made sense. He was the lone individual on that side of the circle who wasn't preoccupied with riddles and a literal schoolyard spat. His caution had been warranted... She'd said far too much in her rant.

Before the two fools at her side could intervene and get themselves into trouble, Hermione looked over her shoulder and sighed at the sight of nearly every sixth-year Slytherin being in attendance for this particular humiliation. "Are you positive your pride can handle the truth? Dean's, quite obviously, couldn't."

"Do you hear her? The mudblood actually thinks we care what she has to say." Parkinson sneered down at her from where she stood, Nott's arm secured firmly around her waist. "As if we are not going to be laughing about whatever prattled rubbish she comes up with for days."

"Okay… I hope you are right." Hermione conceded as she discreetly pinched both boys on the sides of their legs to signal they were to keep their mouths shut. A confrontation was what the vicious witch wanted, instead, she pursed her lips and pretended to seriously inspect each of her choices.

Her critical gaze lingered on the witches until they squirmed under her inspection. Draco, on the other hand, was used to her glowered analyses. He scoffed at a joke that was whispered in his ear by Goyle, perfectly at ease amongst the mixed company of seething Gryffindors.

"Look, Neville! I told you it was a combination of Othila and Berkana!" Luna excitedly scribbled in the answer and then looked up. Her light blue eyes widened into orbs of shock as she took in the additions to their gathering. "Ah… Are they… Are they joining us?"

"Shag Pansy, I am not blind and hate sex is said to be far superior so I wouldn't mind finding out if that opinion is true." The malicious gleam that entered Parkinson's eye at the prospect of a secondary victim spurred Hermione to scramble to her feet and speak with a confidence she didn't feel. "Marry Millie, she is protective of those she cares about and I would be lucky to have someone like her to watch my back."

Gracious compliments were not what the coil of snakes expected. Their looks of confusion would have made her giggle if she wasn't able to feel the tension of silent turbulence her unearned decorum agitated behind her. Neither group understood her deceptive ruse of reluctant sincerity.

"Kill Draco, for the wholly selfish benefit of never having a private conversation shelved to cater to his constant need for attention again." Hermione continued, narrowing her eyes as she gave each option one last glance. "Yes… I'm going to lock in my choices. I think having that special little reward would soothe some of the guilt."

Her flawless portrayal of genuine honesty did end up causing the predicted discussion, but the crowd had doubled in size. Rather than the constructive discourse she had first proposed in retaliation to the blithe insults being thrown over nothing, the usual small cliques formed into whispering huddles to voice their thoughts on the freely given gossip.

Crabbe and Goyle closed in to flank a smirking Malfoy, who watched her every move.

Parkinson and Nott.

Davies, Bulstrode and Zabini.

Dean and Seamus.

Luna and Neville.

Harry, Ginny, and Ronald were at her back so she heard every murmured word of their excessive admiration for the captivating farce of a verdict. Her ever-present companion meandered at her heels and quacked a teaser of what they would have said if she'd been able to divulge her authentic solution…

Malfoy for all three.

There was no doubt in her mind that she was going to strangle him the next time they were alone.

It appeared that she had met the quota of suffering for the moment and the Gods were merciful. Shrill desperate screams echoed from the shore as one of the brave baby wizards tried to taunt a small squad of girls with a large floating bubble of freezing lake water. Predictably, his inexperience led to premature bursting and drenched the unfortunate targets.

"You were right, Thomas. Keep things absurd!" Hermione called over her shoulder to Dean before talking to the crowd at large. "I have to go and deal with that, but someone should ask Harry 'Nicole Kidman, Bridgette Wilson, and Kate Moss' and tell me what he says."

For the first time, the Slytherins parted a path for her to leave instead of forcing her to go around or elbow her way through their bodies…

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Quick Author's Note:

Hermione's comment about change to Dean is a revision of a quote from 'The Human Machine' by Arnold Bennett, "Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

P.S. I want to hear the three choices you would ask a friend! They don't necessarily have to be related to the wizarding world either.

P.S.S. You know how much I love those little things you do! Such as kudos, likes, favorites, subscriptions, bookmarks, recs, reviews, and all the rest! .