Ms. Kelly's gold watch-faced necklace emphasized the short allotment of time she had to chat with her students. The nameplate on her desk read "guidance counselor."
"Welcome Jane," she said. "How are you feeling?"
El sat in the well-worn chair. Her light blue jeans leggings rolled up at the end highlighted her commitment to fashion. Also in a bold purple Polo shirt, she sat rigidly straight. "I don't know," she said.
"I want you to get in touch with your feelings—don't suppress them."
"Why?" El asked.
"Unlike the consensus of my peers, I believe often people feel first, and think rationally: second. I'm interested in your feelings."
"Um…I feel okay."
Ms. Kelly peered at her. El took a position in the chair with her arms crossed and elbows tight to her body. Her muscles tensed beneath her clothing, and she spoke quietly.
"Insecure? Nervous?"
El nodded. Ms. Kelly scribbled on her yellow legal pad. Her eyes flitted up to Jane and down to the pad like she was a bird.
"We've seen each other in here twice before, you can trust me."
"Uh-huh."
"Do you find it hard to trust?"
El frowned. "Yes."
Ms. Kelly smiled and nodded. "Do you wish you were different? Better?"
"Sometimes," El admitted.
"Do you ever feel numb or react with excessive anger?"
"Yeah, I do." El's head dipped.
Ms. Kelly took a breath.
"Listen, Jane. I think you are a victim of what we call emotional abuse. Perhaps even physical."
El blinked rapidly. "What's that?"
"It is coercive, demeaning, or highly distant behavior by a caretaker. It damages a child's normal psychological development."
"Oh," El said. "Is that like when…my 'caregiver' punished me for not doing what he wanted?"
"Uh-huh," she said.
El looked down. "I couldn't want anything for myself and always had to do what he said. He *pretended* it was okay to say no."
"But there would be consequences?"
"Like the quiet room."
Ms. Kelly wrote on her pad. It made scrawling sounds.
"You also are probably afflicted with many traumas, a lot of which you can't recall," she said and looked up.
"What is, 'trauma'?" El asked.
"Severe mental distress caused by an intense experience. It changes your brain."
"And why is it different than normal?"
Ms. Kelly tilted her head. "I'll give you an example: the death of a loved one, especially if it's sudden and unexpected. These events bypass the normal pathways in the brain. It overwhelms our ability to handle it."
"Like when my father was gone."
Ms. Kelly wrote on her pad again.
"These events cause you to replay events over and over," she said while writing. "And you lose your sense of safety."
"Safety…" El mouthed. Tears formed in her eyes. "I was safe with him. He kept me safe."
"To heal we need to feel safe," Ms. Kelly said. "He helped you a great deal, did he?"
El put her hand on her chest and sighed. Then she squeezed her eyes shut, covered them with her fingers, and stifled a sob.
"Yes. And then I fought with him. He was right all along."
"But did you work it out?"
She uncovered her face and slowly nodded. "I love him. He came back and I was so happy."
"That love and safety—when it was taken away—was a trauma."
"I get it," she said. "Trauma."
"Even now that you've patched things up with him. It's still there. The hurt? That's why we talk about it. We get it out."
"My father calls it 'naval-gazing'."
Ms. Kelly smiled. She put down the legal pad. She stood up and walked around the desk to sit on the edge and look at Jane.
"Jane, trauma can cause us to use defenses so we can continue to do stuff. It's not naval-gazing to understand these processes. One big way is to repress the memory. We stuff it away, trying to forget it."
"And what then?"
"Oh, you can function—until something triggers that memory. You may still not remember it, but the effect of it may make you angry because the feelings that come out always become anger. Did you ever lash out too harshly?"
"Oh…yes."
"Exactly, overreaction. Like making a mountain out of a molehill. Jane, we can work on this together. We can make you emotionally stronger and happier. What do you say?"
"Okay."
"Tell me about your father, Jim Hopper."
El cleared her throat and licked her lips. She sat back in the chair and her eyes wandered up above Ms. Kelly's wavy black hair. Her almond eyes didn't seem to fit her Western attire.
"I got to know him when I was starving and cold. He left me Eggos in the forest."
"Whoah. Jane. Is this true?"
"I had met him before. I just didn't know what kind of man he was."
"Oh, I see," Ms. Kelly went back to her chair and picked up her notepad. Quickly, she gulped her tea. She wrote on her pad *I suspected trauma but—this!*
"I was alone. I couldn't go to Mike. I couldn't trust anyone else. Then he took me in. He fed me, clothed me, and played games with me. He just wanted me safe." El wiped a tear from her eye.
Ms. Kelly gazed at Jane for several long seconds. "He saved you, didn't he?"
Jane nodded. "I was in a bad place."
"Wow," she replied. "I must say…I like this Mr. Hopper. But did he ever treat you unfairly, or abuse you somehow?"
"No," Jane said. "No, he was a perfect gentleman. He just had strict rules that I didn't like."
"You rebelled against them?" she asked.
"Yes, that's why I'm sad."
"Jane, you would have rebelled against anyone—that's what you do when you are trying to establish your own identity. Everyone does."
"He didn't deserve me…leaving him. Running away."
"You obviously came back."
Jane nodded.
"Forgive yourself, Jane," she ordered.
"I don't know how," she replied.
"Give yourself some love and some grace for making a mistake. All people make mistakes. If you are human, you have and will make mistakes."
She nodded. The bell rang.
"Oh, sorry. Until next week, take care…and Jane, tell him how you feel."
Jane stood up and wiped her eyes. "Thank you so much," she said.
The hallways bustled with kids moving between classes. Jane took her place in her next classroom, yet somehow she felt better.
———