Chapter 4 Out of Reach

The world stood still. The pain taking over Lemmy's head would've been bad enough on its own, but combining it with the emotional pain Lemmy felt amounted to a miserable experience. Slowly, he got off his head and stood up. He winced as he rubbed the injury, feeling the gaze of everyone in the audience locked on him. They waited with bated breath, clearly hoping that Lemmy was okay. They were also probably wondering if the Koopaling was going to get back on his ball and resume the show, which he probably would do under normal circumstances. But…

"That's enough for now, folks. Thank you for coming."

The audience whispered amongst themselves, the sound beating down on Lemmy. His heart ached even more than his head, and the pain only got worse as he picked up his ball and walked off the stage. When he made his way into the wings, he couldn't handle anything any longer. Tears poured out, heavier tears than most. Lemmy's mind fixated on the emotions he felt on stage, the dream he had, and his feelings of inadequacy. The tears grew heavier and more frequent as a result.

Without even lifting his head, Lemmy made his way into the dressing room and removed his clown garb. When he looked in the mirror, he saw that his tears had caused some of his makeup to run. Grabbing a moist towelette to finish the job, it felt as though he was wiping away any possible positive feelings with each layer of makeup. There went his optimism. There went his joy. There went his hope, shed off of him like how a snake would shed its skin. One more swipe with the wipe and Lemmy finally threw both the towelette and his positivity in the trash. The place where both belonged.

Not saying anything, Lemmy made his way out of the concert hall. He mostly stuck to the shadows as he did this, for he didn't want to face anyone in the audience. What would they say if they knew what was going on in his head? They probably wouldn't fully understand. They'd probably try to encourage Lemmy with empty words and hollow platitudes. That was the last thing Lemmy needed, the last thing he could stomach.

After what felt like a millennium, Lemmy finally got out of the concert hall. Trying to fight his tears in order to not draw attention to himself, Lemmy kept his head down. Each time he heard footsteps, he would go in another direction. Seriously, the idea of talking to anyone with everything that was going on right now was just…

"Lemmy?"

Lemmy seized up. Oh no, please don't! The idea of talking to random people about what happened was already repugnant enough. The idea of talking to his older brother was far far worse.

"Go away, Ludwig." Lemmy wiped his eyes and picked up speed.

"Lemmy!" Lemmy heard Ludwig rise into the air in order to catch up with him. Before Lemmy even had the chance to break out into a run, Ludwig put his hand on his shoulder. "Lemmy, are you alright? Your show ended kinda… abruptly."

Lemmy bit his lip. "I… I know." Worries and fears circled around in his head. He didn't want to talk to Ludwig, but was avoiding the elephant in the room even possible at this point? Could Lemmy ignore the harsh reality if Ludwig was aware of it?

"I just couldn't continue," he eventually said. "I… well…" he sighed. Finding the right words in this situation was like trying to split an atom. It was a stressful job that required expert precision that could result in catastrophe if not done correctly. "I… I…"

Ludwig walked in front of Lemmy, allowing him to see the shine in his eyes and the frown on his face. "Why don't we sit down?"

Lemmy sniffled. "Sure." Ludwig led him over to the window, where a little bench was situated. They both took a seat, and Lemmy could see even more of Ludwig's concerned expression when he did. Sure, he supposed he shouldn't be surprised to see Ludwig so concerned given everything that happened, but that look… that worried and protective look that made Lemmy's soul ache…

"Lemmy, what's wrong?" Ludwig scooted closer. "You seemed so happy to do the show. What changed?"

Lemmy looked away from Ludwig, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I… I was happy to do the show. But… I wasn't as happy as I could've been. I…" he sighed. Why did he have to have that dream? Why did he have to talk about what that dream made him feel? Why did he, the lover of all things happy and positive, have to explore the darkest and saddest corners of his own heart? "I…" he couldn't even say it. The tears got worse, almost providing him with an entirely different pain than his head and mind.

"Lemmy." Ludwig put his hand on his shoulder again. "Lemmy, look at me." That was easier said than done given how Lemmy wanted to bury his head in the sand, but he managed to do so. He looked into his brother's eyes, noticing a level of support that helped relieve his burdens the tiniest bit. "Lemmy, it's going to be okay."

Lemmy cringed. "I wish I could agree with you." He paused before sighing. It seemed that talking about the dream was inevitable. Oh well. "I had a dream last night…"

With that, Lemmy explained the dream to his older brother. Ludwig appeared engaged all the way through, frowning as Lemmy explained the ending in particular. By the time Lemmy finished, he was crying even more. The fact that he even managed to get to the end of the explanation was nothing short of a miracle.

"I've been thinking about this dream all day." Lemmy placed his hand by his side on the bench. "And… I think this dream has made me realize something." He closed his eyes, the pain continuing to climb.

"Realize what?" Ludwig asked.

Lemmy counted to five in his head before opening his eyes. "I realized… that I haven't amounted to much." Lemmy scooted a little farther away from Ludwig, looking down at the ground as he did. "When I decided to try pursuing theater arts, I did it because I wanted to make people happy. There are so many people in this world who feel really sad almost every single day, and when I realized that all the way when I was six years old, it made me sad as well. The idea of someone feeling that way, not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it scared me." He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs. "That's actually someone's reality. Real people grapple with those feelings Someone out there is so close to true despair and inescapable sorrow." He whimpered, putting his head in his lap. "How can I live my day-to-day life knowing that?"

Ludwig stayed silent for a minute. "I…" he looked toward the ground. "I see what you're saying." He turned to Lemmy, putting on a smile as he did. "But that's why you doing what you're doing is so important! Your line of work makes a ton of people happy!"

"Yes, but it is enough people?" Ludwig blinked as Lemmy turned to look up into his face again. "Have my talents left impacts on enough people?"

Ludwig stared at him before snickering a little. "What kind of question is that? Lemmy, you've reached a ton of people!"

"No." Ludwig pulled back as Lemmy frowned. "No Ludwig, I haven't. What was the most significant clown act I've put on in the last four years?"

"Uh… well, there was that time you put on that opening act for my symphony…"

"Yes. There is that. A ton of people saw that, and a ton of people liked that. But aside from that, what was there? All I've ever done was put on clown acts for the servants and my family. That's it. With almost no exceptions, no one who lives outside the castle has seen my shows. That means that all that time I spent preparing for the shows… all that time I spent trying to perfect certain tricks and come up with different jokes… it all amounted to nothing in the end."

"Oh come on, that's not true…"

"Oh really?" Lemmy shifted his position. "If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to see it, does that tree make a noise?" Ludwig opened his mouth to respond to that question, but Lemmy resumed talking before he got the chance. "The answer is it doesn't matter. No one was around to see that tree. No one even cares about what sound it made when it fell." He sighed. "And it's the same thing with me. If no one is there to be impacted by what I do… then what's the point of doing it?"

Ludwig stayed silent. Lemmy didn't know what to expect from him right now, whether he had the perfect words of encouragement or if he would just continue chewing on the question Lemmy just asked. Honestly, did it even matter? Was there even anything Ludwig could say? Nothing could provide Lemmy with any comfort right now.

"I want to help as many people as possible," Lemmy continued, "but how am I even supposed to do that? The only reason why anyone would know my name is because I just so happen to be royalty." He turned toward Ludwig. "Meanwhile, you're well-known in the Koopa Kingdom as an amazing musician. An amazing musician who has produced tunes that everyone has heard, no less. I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone out there who listens to your music every single day." He looked back down at the ground. "Likewise, I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of people in the Koopa Kingdom don't even know what I look like."

Ludwig scooted closer. "So… you're measuring your worth as a person in comparison to me?"

Lemmy shook his head. "I only compared myself to you to prove a point. I haven't reached very many people, and therefore, there are a lot of people who go through hardships and grief without my influence helping them feel better. That was the point."

"I see." In the corner of his eye, Lemmy could see Ludwig wearing a sad expression. He sat still, his eyes looking misty as he tried to think of the best way to respond to this. "Well… just because you haven't reached as many people as you want doesn't make your clown acts any less valuable." He sat up straight. "The way I see it, if you had the opportunity to make the life of one person, just one person, better, then that's a life well lived." Lemmy whimpered and buried his head in his lap. "And I will also say that you shouldn't let your current circumstances bring you down. The past and present are not the future. There is so much in the future to look forward to. In the future, there are countless opportunities to meet and help lots of people. Sure, looking at the present can be disheartening under certain circumstances. But Lemmy, you gotta remember that the present won't last forever."

"I know." Lemmy wiped another tear from his eye. "And I want to believe that there's a bright future ahead. But even if there is… I don't see any way I can reach it."

Ludwig looked genuinely hurt by that sentiment. "Lemmy…"

Sniffling, Lemmy got up off the bench and sighed. "Thank you for taking the time to listen, Ludwig. I just wished that what I gave you to listen to was more pleasant."

"Lemmy, wait!"

Lemmy didn't even turn around when Ludwig called out to him. It didn't matter what Ludwig had to say, it really didn't. All that Lemmy felt right now was sorrow. All that he knew right now was that he had amounted to nothing. The future that Ludwig had promised was right around the corner... was out of reach.