AN: I know, it's been over a year. But, the good news is that I'm very close to having this fic complete. The total chapter count will be 16 chapters and I've already got the last two written, so I just need to finish two more. The chapter title comes from the song Make Me Wanna... by Usher.

I hope you enjoy! Please review! :) LT.

part twelve

you make me wanna leave the one i'm with

..

They weren't sleeping together. That's what Addison told herself. So technically, what they were doing wasn't sneaking around. It wasn't cheating.

She may have paid a little more attention to Derek's schedule to know when he wouldn't be around or conveniently forget to mention the amount of time she'd spent with Mark, lately. Or that they were messaging each other near constantly - because she and Mark were just friends.

All three of them were friends in fact, so it wasn't odd that they sometimes did things together - without Derek.

Yet, as the weeks passed, more and more time spent with Mark felt like something different. And despite trying to rationalize it all, Addison knew that eventually she would give in to the feelings that were simmering just beneath the surface. She knew she wanted Mark, the physical attraction was almost palpable but it was the fact that she was pretty sure she was falling in love with him that shocked her.

She hadn't realized it at first. It felt nothing like how she'd loved Derek. Falling in love with Derek had been exciting - they'd met and meshed so well together - they'd wanted the same things and it had felt safe. She'd known, back then at least, that they could build something together; that they'd never hurt each other, they'd only build each other up. And they had.

Addison had just never considered that a love like that might not last. She did still love Derek but it had changed. It wasn't the same way she'd first loved him and she didn't know what to do with that. Not when she was certain she was falling in love with someone else.

All of this meant that it was beginning to dawn on Addison that her marriage was over. Instinctively, she didn't want to accept it, the thought that her marriage to Derek was done, that she'd fallen out of love with him. But she knew that she had, or at least, she was pretty certain she had and because she wasn't certain, she didn't want to do anything. Not yet.

She owed it to Derek and their marriage to try, to give them another chance at least before she completely pulled the plug on them. Derek didn't deserve that. So in a last, desperate attempt to revive their relationship and marriage, Addison suggested something she never thought she would.

"I want to go to couples therapy," Addison announced seemingly out of the blue one morning, as she and Derek for the first time in ten days, were home together at the same time.

"What?" Derek asked in surprise as Addison held her mug of coffee tightly, leaning against the kitchen counter across from him.

She'd thought about it a lot. "This past year, longer even has been so strained for us. We've been in a rough patch Derek. Surely you can see that," Addison told him, feeling braver than she had in a long time. A part of her cringed to even bring this up; the urge to sweep this all under the rug and ignore it was strong.

But that didn't feel like the right choice. Not this time.

Maybe in another time, another life, she might've kept silent and let their marriage crumble the way that it would - her heart and her mind wouldn't let her do that though, not in this time.

She can see Derek shake his head, frowning as he looked at her. He looks like he doesn't know what to say and frankly, Addison isn't sure she knows what he should say either. She wanted him to acknowledge the truth of her words but she's not sure if Derek's capable of that - he's just as likely to bury his head in the sand and ignore a problem as she is. She hopes maybe that her own courage in addressing this will make him be brave too.

If not, she doesn't know how their marriage can work; not when she already feels like it's on their last legs.

To her surprise Derek agreed, much easier than she expected him to.

..

Marriage counselling was not going as well as Addison had hoped it would. They saw Doctor Spilner twice a week, whenever their schedules could allow. It wasn't easy though, considering how hectic their days usually were. Some weeks they didn't see her at all, or only one of them could make it.

It really wasn't a good sign for them. Addison could tell by the way the doctor looked at them when one of them was missing or late. It felt like she knew they were doomed and was just humoring them until they realised it themselves. Addison had been realizing it, she was just afraid to say it.

Saying it meant everything would change and she wasn't sure if she was ready for that.

"He must've been called into an emergency," Addison told Dr. Spilner apologetically as she grimaced a little. This was the second week in a row that Derek had missed an appointment and Addison could tell, just by the look on therapists face, that it didn't bode well.

"Hm. This…," Dr. Spilner started, gesturing briefly between them. "Doesn't work, if you aren't both committed to it, Addison."

"We are. Emergencies happen sometimes, we both work in unpredictable specialities," Addison said, a little defensively. She hated being questioned about where Derek was; a leftover reaction from years of having to make excuses for him.

Dr. Spilner smiled knowingly, sighing a little. She set her pen and pad down in her crossed leg lap and looked at Addison. Addison shifted uncomfortably at her gaze, suddenly feeling awkward, like Dr. Spilner was trying to see right through her.

"I understand that Addison. And though it's concerning that Derek misses quite a few sessions, so do you. In fact, I'd like to talk to you about your…ambivalence to what we're doing here."

"My ambivalence?" Addison questioned, almost a little defensively, eyebrows furrowed together as she looked at the other woman. "What are you talking about?" she asked sharply, discomfort squirming it's way through her. She tried not to fidget in her seat as she waited for Spilner to continue but she really wasn't sure where exactly this conversation was going.

Dr. Spilner gave her a knowing smile. "You said in your first session that it was your idea to come to couple's therapy. But I've noted that you seem to…hold back sometimes, or seem very reluctant to share. It just seems a little…at odds. So I'm curious to know why you decided on coming to see a marriage counselor," Dr. Spilner said curiously but without judgement.

Addison frowned, unease coursed through her at the therapists words. She didn't exactly know what to say. But Derek clearly wasn't coming and Addison needed to talk to someone about everything that had been going on in the last year or so. She'd spilled only a little to Amy when they'd run into her the other month but Addison had also been very aware that Amy, despite how much Amy loved her, was Derek's little sister.

Dr. Spilner though, maybe the woman could actually help sort out and clear Addison's confused mind and feelings.

"I don't mean to hold back," Addison started slowly, the guilt weighing heavily on her. "I've just…I've realised that, I think I've fallen out of love with him? I still love him of course but not the way I'm supposed to. I think I've fallen for someone else and if that's the case…I thought counselling would help," Addison admitted quietly, saying for the first time out loud that she'd fallen out of love with Derek.

Giving voice to the revelation startled her but also freed something in her that she hadn't expected.

..

Addison wanted to tell Mark everything. It was a side effect, it seemed, of having grown closer, of the feelings she harbored for him. Those same feelings kept her quiet though because she knew that Mark returned them and considering their current situation, it didn't seem fair to say it when she was still married. No matter how much they both knew.

She knew Mark could tell something was on her mind though as they sat in their usual café for lunch. They were side by side, instead of across from each other and Addison tried to keep up appearances but she could tell, just by glancing at Mark, that it wasn't working. Somehow he'd become the person that knew her best, better than anyone else did and the urge, again, to tell him everything bubbled up inside her.

She tried to tamp it down but Mark could wait her out, he had a surprising amount of patience.

"What's up?" Mark asked her quietly, turning in his seat a little to get a better look at her. "I can tell your mind is working overtime," he continued teasingly, a slight smirk on his face.

Addison huffed out a sigh, giving him a slight smile at his words. He wasn't wrong but again, she wasn't sure if she should tell him anything. Still, he was looking at her with such earnest curiosity that she felt her heart stutter at his gaze; she didn't want to keep this a secret from him. She did think Mark deserved to know - not because she was necessarily leaving Derek for him - but because her decision would affect all three of their lives.

"I have to tell you something," Addison started seriously, she made sure their gazes met and he could see how serious she was before continuing. "I'm going to ask Derek for a divorce."

"What?" Mark asked with alarm clear as day in his eyes. "Addison!"

She held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks before he could go off on a spiral. "It's not because of you. Or, not really and solely because of you. You know Derek and I have been having problems for years now, that we've drifted apart and things just aren't getting better. And…I just don't think that I'd have the feelings I do for you if I was still in love with Derek. I just don't think it's fair," Addison explained to him gently, very aware that they were in a public place. This was not how she thought their lunch would go.

Mark simply looked at her, assessing her and her words for a long moment; so long in fact, Addison worried she'd short-circuited his brain somehow. But he simply blinked at her, letting his shoulders sink into a more relaxed position as he leaned towards her. His face was gentle and sympathetic and she knew instantly he wasn't going to question her on her decision.

"I'm so sorry, Red," Mark breathed, sincerity dripping from his voice as he reached over to give her hand a quick, supportive squeeze. "I know this would've been a big decision for you. Not one you'd take lightly. Are you okay?" Mark asked in that plain way of his and Addison smiled in his direction, giving him a nod as she reached for his hand.

She laced their fingers together briefly as she spoke, squeezing his hand in thanks. "Honestly? I'm not sure. I think I will be, eventually. Ask me again in a few weeks. After I've talked to Derek."

Mark gazed at her softly and she could see him resist the urge to press a kiss to her lips or her hand in comfort. Maybe that could be something they could do at some point in the future. She hoped so.

"Whatever you need, Red. I'll be here," he reassured her and Addison knew it was true. He would be.

..

Addison hadn't talked to any lawyers yet, hadn't started on the process other than to make the decision that divorce was what she wanted. She hadn't done anything but to ask Archer if she could stay in his rarely used penthouse, the one he'd bought back when he'd done his residency in the City. He hadn't even asked what she wanted it for and she tried not to let his incuriosity hurt her. She's not sure she could've voiced her plans to him even if he'd asked.

She didn't know how long she'd have to wait. This wasn't a conversation she wanted to have at the hospital but when a day passed and Derek hadn't come home, she'd contemplated it. But no, she couldn't do that to Derek or to herself - they both still had to work there after all this; it'd just be embarrassing for them both.

So she waited patiently and when Derek finally came home, she almost lost her nerve. The glass of red steadied her though and she must've looked serious because Derek stopped when he looked at her. She could see him eyeing her, trying to assess the situation and she just knew that what she was about to say would be a shock to him. It shouldn't have been but it would be.

"Do you want something to drink?" Addison asked, standing straight and rigid from her seat. She knew she was just delaying the inevitable but she did think he might appreciate some scotch for this. She went to pour him a glass, even though he hadn't said anything.

"Addison?" He questioned, gaze following her as she moved. When she turned back around, a glass of scotch in hand, he'd made his way further into the living room. She set the glass down on the coffee table in front of his preferred armchair before moving back to her own seat.

"We need to talk Derek," Addison started as soon as he sat down on the edge of the chair. For a moment she found it difficult to meet his eyes but then she did, knowing she owed him that, considering what she was about to do. She can see he's about to say something in response and dives in quickly. "Just let me…I need to say this Derek," she paused again before taking a deep breath. "I'm not happy anymore and I don't think you're happy either. We're just…going through the motions and I know we're in counselling but does it honestly feel like it's working?"

The words were clearly a shock to her husband and it made her heart ache at the disbelief she could see on Derek's face. He looked stunned - too stunned to say anything. So Addison continued on.

"I love you Derek, you're my first love. I think I'll always love you in some way but, I-I think we should separate. I think that we should get a divorce."