Pseudo-Harem fanfic I mentioned before. Also technically my first 'proper' harem fic since the others were either polyamorous (Seasons omake) or Jaune is too miserable to really delve into it (Monsters and Man). Even this one more lampoons it since the focus is on the shenanigans the characters get into with the whole thing.
I figure this whole thing will last maybe three chapters. We'll see.
It all started when Beacon changed its menu.
Normally, the Academy was home to well-cooked and varied meals. After all, they were teaching the future defenders of mankind. What harm was there in letting them eat well during their four years of studying?
That was until the sudden change. The Valean council, in their infinite wisdom, decided that Huntsmen-in-training didn't need fine dining and changed the menus soon after the chefs went to look for other prospects. Their official reasoning was that the future Huntsmen needed to be toughened up. After all, official missions could last days if not weeks. If they were spoiled on fine foods now how would they deal with having to subsist on rations later?
The fact that the Vale council was currently facing scrutiny for certain members spending public funds on private mansions had nothing to do with it. Absolutely not.
The students had complained, of course. No one liked the change and Weiss Schnee, of all people, had been the most vocal protestor. Sadly, no amount of protesting in the halls could change facts and, as of three weeks ago, Beacon had officially shifted to a more...basic palate. Meatloaf with mashed potatoes for most days and dessert consisted of either vanilla ice cream or green gelatin.
It was...well, it filled them up, and objectively they knew it could've been way worse, but it was a pretty big blow after what they all got used to. Blake especially had lamented the loss of her beloved tuna and went through lunch like a zombie. Weiss and Ruby had followed after her, silently crying every time they saw the cake corner empty with the bland white ice cream and green jello mocking their unfulfilled sweet tooths. Yang, Blake, Nora, and even Ren seemed depressed about the whole thing too, though they did their best to keep their spirits up.
Jaune couldn't claim to be anyone special, especially not by the standards of Huntsmen, but one thing he wasn't was a guy who'd stand by and let his friends be so sad. So he made plans. He might not have had training, but he was a guy who grew up in the middle of seven sisters without a single one knowing how to cook. He and his mom shared the role of the family chef and he was gonna put all those years of training to good use.
And so he woke up bright and early to prepare. Despite the lack of quality meals in recent days, the ingredients to make better ones were actually still there. As part of their official stance on toughening up the students, the kitchens were open to anyone who wanted to make their own meals. Surprisingly, not a single person decided to take up the silent offer. As he found out later, Huntsmen specialized in almost exclusively to skills like fighting and weapon maintenance. Making anything more than a sandwich was alien to them.
Jaune worked all throughout the day. He'd left a note back in the room that he had a 'family thing' going on so no one would come looking and spoil the surprise. Just the thought of his friends smiling as they finally had a decent meal for the first time in weeks made him smile. Sure, they could eat something decent down on Vale on the weekends, but there was nothing quite like a home-cooked meal. He knew that from experience.
Preparing the veritable feast took all day, mostly because he had to make personalized meals for all of them. He didn't mind. Seven sisters, all of whom had varied tastes, meant Jaune had a lot of experience. They got around the variety by only having one person's favorite food for that day and then another favorite, himself included, till they ran out the week. Thank the Brothers that April and May had the same tastes.
He made it just in time for dinner. Jaune grinned and loaded up the cart full of food, making sure to cover the meals and desserts with a lid. No sense on strangers trying to grab something before he made it to the table.
He cleaned himself up quickly and pushed the cart when he got a message from Pyrrha that they were all in the dining room and asking if he'd join them. He responded in the affirmative and made his way there.
The miasma of misery hanging over the dining room was palpable. Weeks of mediocre food had driven just about every student to a depression so fierce that the Emerald Forest had become overpopulated with Grimm as a result. His friends weren't any better with Ruby in particular frowning like someone had kicked Zwei. Even Nora's normal cheerfulness was gone with even Ren's pancakes unable to salvage it.
Hopefully, his effort would brighten up their day.
Students stopped eating and turned to follow him as he pushed the cart loaded with food to their usual table. Blake was the first to notice and looked up at him, brows raised as she stopped picking at her untouched (and painfully dry) meatloaf. The rest of his friends followed her gaze and they all looked at him with varying degrees of curiosity as he finally arrived.
"Hope everyone's hungry!"
Jaune pulled back the lid and watched with some pride as his friends' eyes bugged out of their heads at the veritable feast of food presented to them. Some of them like Ruby, Blake, and even Weiss had outright drooled at the sight of the freshly cooked meals laden in the trays.
"Is...Is that for us...?" Ruby whispered, looking up at him with her wide silver eyes full of hope.
"Yep," he said, popping the P, "Hope I got everyone's favorite." He set the plates down in front of them. Chicken cordon bleu with dijon cheese sauce and mac and cheese for Ruby; spicy country fried steak dripping with gravy with a side of fries for Yang; tuna melt sandwiches and chips for Blake; salmon fillets with cranberry sauce for Weiss; a finely prepared veggie pastitsio for Pyrrha; Shoyu ramen for Ren; and an entire tower of glazed beef for Nora. For himself, he went for a classic ham and cheese sandwich, though he made sure to add some flair from an old family recipe.
It wasn't just his friends looking now. Practically everyone in the cafeteria was looking on in envy at the meals team RWBY and JNPR were given. A few of them he recognized like team CRDL and even team CFVY. The fashionista leader of the second-year team looked at the veritable feast they had then looked back at the dry meatloaf and bland mashed potatoes on her tray before she cursed under her breath.
Jaune had to admit, it felt kind of good being looked at so enviously. It wasn't something he was used to considering his combat performance.
"Oh, and don't forget to leave room for dessert." The next lid was removed and Ruby broke down into happy tears at the sight of the chocolate strawberry cheesecake. Weiss nearly did the same at the sight of the tiramisu cake next to Ruby's dessert. She'd cried about missing her cake butler just a week into their new menu so it was probably a relief for her.
The looks of envy had turned downright violent now. A few of the students looked like they were tempted to charge at their table to try and take even a scrap of the food for themselves, but the protective glares everyone had was enough to make them back down. Their teams already had a reputation and no one was willing to test their luck when food was on the line.
Elsewhere in the Emerald Forest, the teachers culling the Grimm population suddenly found their workload increasing as the sudden spike in negative feelings called in more enemies.
"Wh-What's the occasion?" Weiss asked, eyes never leaving the food in front of her.
"Oh, nothing. Just thought you guys could use some cheering up." He shrugged, "Dig in!"
They all waited till he sat down before digging in like starving men in the desert. Seeing the looks of utter joy and satisfaction on their faces was worth all the hours of cooking he had to do.
He just didn't know how satisfied they were.
Ruby had to hold back a choked cry at the taste of the food. It brought back vague memories of the time she and Yang were kids. Yang had to be the one to try and cook for her after Dad...shut down with grief. The food tasted so bad for those first couple of years, but she still remembered smiling because of how much love Yang put into every single thing she made. It was the same feeling Jaune put into the food she was eating now.
Yang remembered the meals mom cooked for them before her last mission. After she died, she always had to be there for Ruby. When was the last time someone cooked for her, she wondered. Even after Dad came back to his senses, he was never the best chef. Meals in the Xiao Long household were more often than not bought outside or anything they could scrounge together. Was it so bad that she wanted to be spoiled?
Blake felt like she was twelve years old again. A time before she'd severed her relationship with her parents because she thought they didn't have what it took to fight for equality. For the next five years with the White Fang, she'd eaten nothing but MREs and rations. Even when she'd arrived at Beacon, the food felt artificial. Biting into the sandwich, Blake felt like she was home again.
Weiss couldn't even remember a time someone had cooked for her without having to be paid a salary. Meals in the Schnee manor were spent in isolation. The few times they ate as a family were only when they had guests over and had to keep up appearances. Even that stopped after her thirteenth birthday when her mom spent days drinking herself to oblivion in the garden and her father stopped even pretending he cared about them. The meal made her think of what could have been.
Pyrha almost forgot herself. At that moment, she wasn't Pyrrha Nikos, the four-time Mistral regional tournament champion that had to keep to a strict and meticulous diet. Instead, she was Pyrrha Nikos, a normal girl who just received a meal cooked with love and affection from the boy who held her heart. It was almost enough to make her grab him by the collar and pull him into a kiss, to tell him exactly how she felt.
Ren remembered his childhood. Before he met Nora and his village was lost to the Nuckalavee, his parents always made time for them to spend meals as a family. Mom taught him how to cook from an early age and while he enjoyed doing so in the years he'd spent with Nora, there was something comforting about the meal Jaune had offered. It reminded him of a better time. A more innocent time before the horrors of the Grimm had torn his family away from him.
Nora thought the food was good.
While most of his friends were going through their epiphanies, Jaune just continued to eat his sandwich blissfully unaware.
Their almost religious experiences continued as they dug into their desserts. All the weeks of suffering felt like it was worth it for just this one moment of happiness. So what if they had to suffer for almost a month, they thought. Jaune's meals were more than worth that price.
Only for their hopes to come crashing down at Jaune's next words.
"Man, I hope you guys enjoyed that cause I'm never doing it again." Jaune laughed.
They all froze at that. Well, all except Nora who figured that was the case anyway. They all looked at him as one in varying stages of disbelief that the blonde was somehow unaware of, "N-Never...?" Blake asked. It was probably the first time since the start of the year that she'd actually talked to Jaune.
"Well...not really never. Maybe during special occasions?" He shrugged, continuing to dig into his blueberry pie, "Doing this took me the whole day. I won't have time to do anything else if I'm cooking up feasts. I just wanted to cheer you guys up."
"B-But..." Ruby's mouth curled in a shaky frown and she looked at the discarded pile of meatloaf and mashed potatoes off to the side. Was Jaune saying that they had to go back to that starting tomorrow? It was so cruel, they all (sans Nora) thought. He'd given them a taste of paradise and now he was just going to yank it away! It would've been more merciful if he never showed them what could have been.
The joy they felt had sapped away, replaced with the understanding that their taste of paradise was just that - a taste. Tomorrow they would go back to being part of the miserable horde of students that only survived rather than truly lived.
The next day came with no small amount of frustration. True to his word, Jaune didn't cook up another feast and they had to make do with the Sunday special of beans with two pieces of cornbread and some rice. They felt like prisoners in the school. Even ordering food from the outside didn't help them. Jaune's food had ravaged their taste buds and now even the food they bought felt like they were eating stale crackers.
It was with this frustration that both teams RWBY and JNPR went to the gym. Working out felt better amongst friends and at least the exercise would keep them from thinking of what they'd lost.
The frustration was enough for one Yang Xiao Long to overexert herself. So angry was she at the loss of future home-cooked meals that she actually pulled a muscle on her back, "Ah, damn it..." She set down the weights she was lifting and sat up, wincing as she rubbed her back. Aura would heal it in a day or two, but damn if it wasn't annoying to deal with till then.
"What's wrong?" Blake asked from across her.
"Pulled a muscle. Guess I took a little more than I can handle." She winced again.
"I can help with that," Jaune said suddenly. Yang looked up at the other blonde in surprise before her gaze quickly shifted to Pyrrha. The redheaded champion's expression suddenly took on a note of panic and she looked like she was going to say something before she suddenly clamped her mouth shut, "If it's a pulled muscle then I should be able to fix it quickly."
"How are you gonna do that?"
"My Semblance."
That got him a look from everyone sans Pyrrha, who instead looked away guiltily. Huh, looked like Cereal Girl was holding out, "You unlocked your Semblance?! What is it?!" Ruby asked excitedly.
"Uh...probably better if I just show you guys? Yang, can I...?"
"Sure. Just don't get grabby." Yang turned around and sat up a bit straighter as Jaune walked behind her. She trusted his hands not to wander despite her warnings. Whatever he was gonna do had better be good, she thought.
The next moment felt like she was in the clouds.
Yang groaned in shameless relief as Jaune set his hands on her back. His palms glowed with white energy and already Yang felt the aches from the pulled muscle fading away. The feeling only got better when Jaune started massaging her back. It wasn't really needed since the Semblance, whatever it was, was enough, but it was most definitely appreciated.
"Aura transfer? That's a relatively rare Semblance," Weiss said. Despite her words, she looked on jealously at the pampering Yang was getting. And she wasn't the only one. The rest of the group looked like they wanted to switch places with her. Ha, too bad. Jaune was massaging her now.
"Where'd you learn this stuff?" Yang asked, eyes closed as she relaxed.
"Well, I've been doing it for Pyrrha ever since she started teaching me some stuff. Been doing it for...a couple of months, I think?" All of their looks went from Yang to Pyrrha. Cereal Girls' face suddenly flushed pink and she refused to look them in the eye. Oh, so she was holding out on them, huh? Pretty sneaky, Yang thought. Then again, why wouldn't she want Jaune's magic hands all for herself?
Sadly, the massage only lasted a few minutes before he stopped. She almost lied about still being in pain when he asked, but she held off. Lying would just make her look bad and then she could kiss him and his magic hands goodbye.
Yang's thoughts stayed on her fellow blonde as they made their way back to their dorm rooms. In just two days she found out he was an amazing chef and could give a killer massage. Besides that, he'd definitely bulked up from the scrawny noodle wearing a onesie during their first night here. Now he was a guy with muscles for days wearing a onesie. That and he stopped flirting with Weiss, which made him less cringy to be around.
Now that she thought about it, Jaune wasn't a bad catch, was he? Sure he wasn't the best in a fight, but so what? He was nice, he was working hard to improve, and he even laughed at one of her puns! That plus him being an amazing chef and masseuse. He was definitely more of a catch than some meathead like Cardin, at least. She still grimaced remembering how he tried to flirt with her that first week before she shut him down.
And so it was that Yang made a choice.
"I'm gonna seduce Jaune."
The announcement was made without warning in team RWBY's dorm. It definitely got a reaction from the rest of the team. Ruby jumped up in her seat and looked at Yang with wide, shocked eyes. Weiss did the same, though she tried in vain to make herself look more composed. Blake's eyes narrowed instead and she pursed her lips, almost but not quite glaring at her partner.
"Wh-What?" Ruby sputtered.
"I'm gonna seduce Jaune," Yang said again.
"Why?!" Ruby shouted back.
"Why not?" Yang shrugged, "He's cute, he's really bulked up, and we're both single. Plus, he's not pining after Weisscream anymore so it's not like there's a problem."
"Excuse me?" Weiss huffed.
"What? You couldn't wait for him to stop trying to woo you." Yang raised a brow.
"That may be so, but-"
"I know what you're doing," Blake cut in, voice quiet and sharp as a knife. Her partner stood up from her bed and looked down at where Yang sat, "You're only doing this because you think that if you date Jaune then he'll give you massages and cook for you whenever you want."
"I wouldn't say no if he offered." Yang shrugged again. Hey, it wasn't like she was gonna be all-take-and-no-give here. She could teach him a thing or two herself like knowing how to throw a punch or how to ride a motorcycle. And if Jaune decided to show his appreciation with meals and massages? Well, it would've been rude of her to refuse, wouldn't it?
"You're exploiting him." Weiss hissed and stood up too.
"You see me putting a gun to his head?" Yang scoffed, "Besides, don't act like you weren't eyeing him up either."
"That's different." Weiss shook her head, "If I wanted to use Jaune's talents - and I'm not saying I am - I would do so by offering him a fair wage, not doing so under the pretense of being in love with him!"
"Who said anything about being in love, Weisscream? I'm asking him out. not proposing marriage here. You do know dating's a thing as normal folk do, right?"
"Of course I-"
"No!" Ruby suddenly cut in, voice high despite her attempts to look fierce. She looked more cute than fearsome, "J-Jaune's my best friend and I'm not letting any of you take advantage of him!" She stomped her foot. Again, it was more adorable than anything, "And...if anyone's gonna be dating him, it's me! We're best friends and you guys are only interested in him now cause he can do stuff for you! It's selfish!"
"And I'm sure you suddenly deciding you want to date him after seeing what he can do is a complete coincidence." Weiss rolled her eyes, "Yes, I admit that I would be happy with Jaune's services, but I'm offering him something material. The wage he'd receive would be more than generous considering what I'm asking for."
"Well, I think it's best if he helps me out instead," Blake said, "A Human and a Faunus coming together? What better image of equality is there than that? And if any of you disagree, then you're clearly racist."
"...Alright, Kit Kat, I think you need to lay off the catnip before going to bed." Yang turned to Ruby, "Look, Rubes, why don't we just...share the guy?" Mistral had legalized polygamy, and while Vale didn't, it was an open secret that many Huntsmen had a far more relaxed stance on monogamy. A life of danger and fighting Grimm meant not a lot of Huntsmen were picky about finding happiness where they could get.
And yet despite insinuations to the contrary, Mom and Raven's relationship with Dad wasn't like that.
"No!" Ruby stamped her foot again, "Jaune's my best friend, and I'm not sharing him with anyone! Besides, you're just offering because you think I can't get him to go out with me by myself!" Yang didn't say it out loud, but it was hard to disagree. She loved Ruby, but the girl knew more about weapons than interpersonal relationships, "Well, it's not happening, Yang! I'm gonna go out with Jaune and you can't steal him from me like you did the last time!"
"Woah, woah! 'Last time'? When the hell did that happen?"
"All my friends back at Signal. Do you know how many of them had crushes on you? It was super annoying!"
"But you didn't like any of them like that!"
"It's the principle of the thing, Yang! The principle!" Ruby crossed her arms, "I'm not just the little sister anymore. I'll show you, I'll go out with Jaune so hard that he won't even think about dating anyone else!"
"Oh yeah?" Yang smiled in challenge, "You wanna bet on that?"
Elsewhere on the other side of Saunus, Qrow suddenly felt a shiver go down his spine. It was the same feeling he had when he first saw a Branwen and a Rose fighting over some blonde doofus. But that was impossible...right?
"Hey, don't act like I'm not here!" Weiss cut in, "Whatever you two are offering, it's nothing compared to the benefits I can give. Between a relationship that could fail and a more practical exchange, I'm sure the choice is clear."
Blake didn't say anything else, though Yang could've sworn she muttered 'racist' under her breath again.
Across the hall, a similar discussion was taking place. Jaune had left to go call his family, leaving the rest of team NPR to sit in silence. The quiet only lasted as long as it took for Ren to suddenly stop his meditation and speak up.
"Nora, we have to seduce Jaune."
Both Nora and Pyrrha jumped up at the normally stoic boy's declaration, the latter in shock and betrayal and the former in slight surprise before she suddenly grinned.
"Sure!"
"Wha- Nora?!" Pyrrha gasped, looking between her two closest friends beside her beloved partner. She'd hoped that they would suddenly reveal that it was all a prank, but Ren continued to look as serious as ever while Nora started rattling off plans without a care, "Are you two serious? Y-You know how I feel about him! How could you..."
"We supported your feelings for Jaune for the past year, Pyrrha," Ren said, sounding oh so calm and measured. Pyrrha hated it, "And yet despite that, and the numerous chances you had, you refuse to simply tell him your feelings." Pyrrha winced, "We're not saying you can't tell him your feelings, but we also won't hold back in trying to claim Jaune for ourselves."
"B-But..."
"Ooh, how about we really lean in on the orphan thing?" Nora asked, "You know, 'poor us, we haven't had love ever since we lost everything'."
"Hm, that could work." Ren nodded, "And it wouldn't be a lie either."
Pyrrha could only look on in silent betrayal as two of her closest friends openly planned to steal the man she loved. She...She had to do something. Tell him her feelings? No, she still couldn't. What if he didn't feel the same? It would ruin everything! But she couldn't just sit idly by and let Jaune be taken from her. She'd find a way for him to confess to her. That would solve everything!
Yeesh. What kind of life has everyone led that home-cooked meals and massages make them gaga for Jaune? Except ironically Nora, who probably had the shittiest backstory. She's really only in it cause Ren suggested it and could take it or leave it.
But yeah, like I said this is more focused on comedy and the motivations for everyone are expectedly slim. That and not all of them want Jaune romantically. Blake and Weiss just want the food/massages and Nora's doing it just at Ren's suggestion.
The next chapter will be about how team RWBY tries to sell Jaune into becoming their house husbando, platonically or otherwise.
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Questions:
1. Would you guys prefer if this ended in a harem way or we get to one pairing? If it's the latter, which one? Dragonslayer seems to be popular on the board where I discussed it. I imagine Lancaster won't be popular since my other stories already have that as the pairing.
2. How do you guys want each girl (and Ren) to try and persuade Jaune to be their house husband? I have an idea for Pyrrha and Weiss, but I'm open to ideas. Flirtation? Guilt tripping? Threats? Especially Blake. The narration points out she never talked to the guy solo before now. This is more for fun than any attempt at a serious romance.