Chapter 30 - Aoi, Koi, Daidairo

The shadows around his body were ripped away forcefully, one by one, into the light, until all that was left was his singular dark soul, barren and exposed.

But he could not let It. He would not let It! He stumbled and fell and forced his feet to remain anchored to the stone beneath, his eyes never wavering from the figure that seemed so far away.

The light burned at his back. He could not remember who he was. He could not remember why this was happening to him.

But he could remember the woman waiting for him.

With all his strength he gripped the stone by the lip of the pool, fingers feeling like they would tear off. The wind roared like a tornado. The shallow waters were turbulent like a whirlpool.

With the little strength left, he tightened his fingers. He screamed at himself to not let go, he couldn't let go, he would not-

With one last pull, the light dragged him into its depths.

It extinguished all that he was.

…

…..

….

"Why do you always find a way back to me?" The little girl asked, sat on the ground with only her feet peeking from the tattered cloak covering her.

"I don't think it's a good idea to leave a kid alone in a place like this." He answered from beside her, the joking tone of his voice falling short of bringing her attention to him.

"There's nothing here to harm me." She answered with her small voice that echoed in the open air, still not raising her head from the drawings her toes made on the ground.

He said nothing in response, only watching as she swiped at the ashes stuck in the cracks that marred the skin of her feet.

Nathan made no sound as he woke up, all the energy in his body taken by the soul rending agony that was coursing through every inch of his body.

His pillow was completely damp from his tears by the time the pain subsided enough for him to force himself to get up. His body was numb all over, and the bed felt like it was made of ashes slippery like sand, and it was a wonder how he didn't fall face first into the ground.

Through his desensitized feet, somehow, he felt the difference from the usual stone of his dorm room. The numbness immediately faded as panic took over.

Nathan rushed to the door with a burst of adrenaline, yanking it open and stepping out with enough of a hurry that he bumped into something and hit a wooden railing.

Grimmauld Place, He thought fervently through the rushing sound of his blood, looking around the hallway and recognizing the décor and hallucinations surrounding him. I'm in Grimmauld Place.

With greedy gulps of air he slowly calmed down, using the railing to walk towards the bathroom. He kept breathing deeply, not raising his head to face the specters. He kept bumping and tripping over nothing, and he would absolutely not think about it!

He reached the empty bathroom, grounding himself with the cold water to his face that soothed his nerves.

There was no little girl in the mirror when he raised his head, but his skin looked gray with black veins running along it, his eyes burned a wicked blue and there were horns coming out of his bedhead hair.

He splashed more water into his face, leaving his eyes closed for a long minute before daring to open them again.

There were cracks on his skin.

Deep gashes that revealed the dark void beneath, that not even the glow from his eyes could penetrate.

rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiii—

He blinked.

nnnnnnnnggggggg—

And it was all gone

Nathan's breath was harsh as he stepped out, still refusing to meet the worried gazes of the ghosts.

"~Rush away… I can't see us coming down soon~"

Nathan sang into the quiet bedroom, his fingers picking the string on their own, trying to relax even with his company.

It didn't work.

The stares of the ghosts still prickled at his skin, unnerving like always. It felt much worse now that it was charged with the atmosphere from the hospital room, where something had changed.

Now that he bumped on them and felt skin on skin.

"~I can't see the sun from this room~"

The song resonated with an unknown part of him, a wave of emotion bringing tears to his voice. He felt the ghosts shift closer to him. He released a weary sigh before singing the next verse.

After the emotionally tiring excursion of the previous day, Nathan only wanted some rest and relaxation to recharge before he had to deal with everything again. In some sense, he got his wish.

Everyone seemed to instinctively sense the shift in the air around him, all of them giving him a wide berth during breakfast. Everyone but a select few, who seemed to stare like he was more a cracked vase than a human being.

Sirius was even more of a menace than usual, most likely trying to bring the joy of Christmas into the downtrodden household. If the man kept glancing at him more than usual, Nathan pretended not to notice, refusing to meet anyone's eyes.

Including the ghosts that hadn't vanished since he had woken up and first seen them.

"~But I know that it's setting… Somewhere~"

It was like his very own family gathering on the holidays, the specters lounging around the room; Some stood, some sat beside him. Some had their eyes closed, only listening to the music. Some looked at him with gentle smiles and soft gazes.

The room felt way too warm for a snowy Christmas.

"~Replaceable chords on a loop~"

Maybe a small part of him already expected it, with the visions becoming more and more frequent and real, but the sudden shift still left him reeling. How could it be, that for this whole time they were only reminders of the nightmares that followed him into his waking moments, and now, so suddenly, they were people, just like him.

People he somehow knew.

People he realized, more and more, that he had once lived beside.

Somehow.

It was nauseating.

"~I'm thumbing through lives… Interchangeable yous-"

rrrrrrrriiiiiiiiinnnnnnn—

Nathan choked on air as a sudden burst of static startled him. He closed his eyes, arms hugging the instrument to his chest like a lifeline as he waited for the ringing in his ears to fade.. He felt the warmth of the ghosts shift closer.

At one point, a past so close to the present, Nathan would have closed his eyes harder, panicking with the feeling of his chest burning and the spiraling of his thoughts.

Today, Nathan opened his eyes, letting them fall on the ghosts looking at him with worried gazes, feeling their warm hands touch his arm, his leg, his cheek.

His chest didn't stop hurting. A tear still fell from his eyes.

There was a knock on the door, Nathan wiping his eyes hurriedly before Hermione entered the room. The phantoms were forgotten in a moment.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Nathan sat up straighter.

"I should be asking you that." Hermione answered, face scrunched scarily and cutely, as she approached and stopped before him in the bed.

"Nothing's wrong." And it was worrying that he had no clue if he was lying or not. Didn't matter, as Hermione clearly didn't believe him. Nathan sighed, sinking deeper into the mattress.

"May I sit?" She asked, suddenly a little shy. He scooted over as an answer, the girl climbing on the bed and settling in beside him. "What happened with Neville yesterday?"

Nathan sighed wearily again, imperceptibly leaning away from her. "We just talked…" He started fiddling with the guitar on his lap as Nathan felt the disapproval from the girl "He was visiting his parents."

"Nathan! You shouldn't have intruded!" She admonished him, his heart clenching painfully at her words. He leaned a little bit more away from her.

"Didn't wanna leave him to deal with it alone…" He mumbled, head falling to focus entirely on the instrument.

The silence hung heavy on the cold room, broken by his fingers moving through the wood and her teeth nibbling on her lips.

"I'm…sorry." Hermione said hesitantly, softly. She scooted closer to him on the bed.

"Don't be." And he meant it. He looked at her from the corner of his eye.

"But I am!" She shifted closer still.

More silence around them. Only now he realized the ghosts had vanished. His arm itched.

Another sigh from him. "I just…" He haltingly said, closing his mouth and swallowing his words.

"Just?"

"Nothing."

"You can tell me." She spoke softly, leaning into him.

"Really got nothing to say." He said with a small smile as he looked at her, tilting back towards her. Their shoulders touched.

The stillness was bearable now, with the comfort from their touching arms grounding him. He missed the spirits' warmth. Hermione pressed closer.

"Did that book I gave you help?" She asked suddenly.

"It did!" His fingers moved across the strings to prove his point, random chords sounding in the room softly. "Did I ever thank you properly?"

"You did," She pressed closer. "With a beautiful drawing."

"Right." He said bashfully, focusing on the random sounds he was making with the instrument.

Nathan watched her bite her lip from the corner of his eye, the heat from where they touched burning hot for a moment.

"But you still haven't played a song for me," Hermione's voice was far shier than he'd ever heard before. "And you promised."

"I did, huh," He switched from picking to strumming the chords out. "I've been playing for the past minute."

"That doesn't count!" Hermione exclaimed indignantly, sitting up so she could shove her face in front of his. He turned his face sideways.

"So demanding!" Nathan said before she forced him to face her with her soft fingers. He ignored the heat that burned through him again, but couldn't do the same with her eyes. "Okay then…" He mumbled distractedly.

Hermione pulled away, hesitantly, settling back on his side, arms touching again. Nathan closed his eyes, letting the mattress hold his weight as he calmed himself. His fingers restarted their movements, lazily plucking the strings, finding their rhythm.

Slowly, static filtered into his ears, white noise distorting the light that entered through the gaps of his eyelids.

"~Face away… Deal with the pain~"

He could hear the song perfectly in his mind, sounding so beautifully haunting to him that tears immediately started burning in his eyes. The static flared once more as an aching familiarity carved through his chest.

"~I knew, that it was mine too~"

Through the numbness he felt clearly, Hermione settling more of her weight on him, her warmth spreading till it reached all of the room as the ghosts came back.

"~And You? Is it really You?~"

Even the thing that controlled his body during these moments couldn't make him reach the note properly, his voice cracking. It didn't stop the emotions from overwhelming him, the buildup of tears finally releasing as they fell down his face. He saw the ghosts smile at him.

"~Let's search the sky for a while, You and I~"

Hermione leaned her head on his shoulder, her hair tickling his cheek. Another weight appeared on his other side, with a lighter one settling over his legs. He cried more.

"~Collide like two stars for a while… You and I~"

"~You and I~"

The ghosts sang with him, startling him enough to cut through the haze as he opened his eyes, finally knowing where the choir that echoed in his ears everytime he sang came from. Some of the wraiths he could see smiled cheekily at him.

He tentatively smiled back.

"That was beautiful." Hermione said from beside him, voice small and dazed.

"Did you not hear me struggling to sing the notes?" He asked as he kept strumming, half amused and half mortified.

"You're really talented." She ignored him, not raising her head from his shoulder.

Am I? He wondered to himself. Did it count as talent when something else controlled his movements, guided his words? The ghost beside him laid a tender kiss to his cheek, seeming to sense his spiraling thoughts.

"You control yourself." chorused the spirits.

"Can you play another one?" Hermione piped up, cutting through his daze.

As he looked at her, for a single terrifying moment, his mind registered Hermione as a wraith just like the others. In the next moment he pondered the paralyzing thought of her one day joining the ghosts that tormented him.

"Sure…" His voice shook as he forced himself to pick the strings. The spirits and the girl burrowed closer to him.

His left arm burned.

He ignored it.

His room was silent in the darkness of the night.

There was no static. There were no ghosts.

His arm still burned. He ached with the need to scratch it.

He ignored it.

Nathan couldn't fall asleep.