The sound of the ocean waves was all J.J. could hear as he lay on the beach, the time he'd spent on the boat allowing alcohol to ravage his soul now like a distant memory. In the face of the storm, recognizing that his friends were in danger had brought him back to himself. He didn't think twice before jumping in the water after Sarah. In fact, he hadn't thought at all. J.J.'s loyalty and love took over, as he knew he couldn't let John B. lose the mother of his child at sea. But now the adrenaline had worn off, leaving in its place the irony of how he was the one drowning within questions regarding his identity, tossed about by the knowledge that, not only did Luke not love him, he was also unwanted by his own flesh and blood. J.J.'s life felt like a mystery that would never be solved, its darkness as real and poignant as the night which surrounded him, the unknown cloaking him in a tide of feelings and emotions that left him unsure of both where he stood and what he needed.
Before J.J. could even comprehend it, there were footsteps on the sand and a body beside his own, a gentle touch on his shoulder making him look over to see John B. "Hey. How's Sarah?""Asleep," John B. said as he lay down next to J.J., hands laced behind his head. "How are you?"
"I'm fine."
"Of course you are."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means I want a real answer. No bullshit."
J.J. took a minute to think, his response forming as he felt the rippling waves lap at his feet. "I don't know who I am anymore, John B. For as long as I can remember, I've been Luke's kid. I know he doesn't love me, and he only wants me when it's convenient for him. But he was still my dad. And now he's not. Groff is my real father, and he never wanted me at all. He killed Larissa and left me with Luke. I swear I fucked up all of their lives just by being here, but I never asked to be born. I never asked to be the baby that only Larissa wanted. I've had four parents, and I'll never remember the only one who was worth a shit. The only one who cared."
John B. felt like any reply he could manage would be hollow, but he knew he had to try. He couldn't let J.J.'s honesty be in vain. "I know it's not the same, but I'll always want you, bud. It might be tough to think about it this way right now, but if you hadn't stayed with Luke, I wouldn't have gotten to have you as my brother."
J.J. sat up then, eyes on the water as his usual defense slipped into place, self-deprecation coming too easily. "Oh, yeah, 'cause you really hit the jackpot with me. What a privilege to have a brother who went off the rails and destroyed downtown. Who lost the last of our gold in a stupid race. Who has, not one, but two dads that don't love him. Sure, I'm just the greatest."
John B. sat up as well, choosing to ignore the sarcasm as he put his arm around J.J. "You really are. I've got the best brother in the world. His name is J.J. Genrette, Groff, or Maybank, it doesn't matter to me. He's the most loyal friend. He even saved the woman I love and my unborn child."
"Screw you, J.B.," J.J. said, even as he laid his head on John B.'s shoulder. "You stepped all over my point."
"But I mean every word."
"I know. It's just hard for me to lean into your sincerity when I see myself as an asshole."
"But you aren't. It's just easier for you to do what you've always done, and that's looking down on yourself. I like the way you put the rest though. I was being sincere. It's not like I would say you haven't made mistakes or-"
"I am a mistake, John B." J.J. got up off the sand, wading into the water just far enough that he could feel the waves rippling along the middle of his legs. Looking up at the night sky, he then let out a nearly maniacal laugh similar to the one when he'd been drunk. "You hear that? I'm J.J., the accident. The kid whose dad beat him to hell every chance he got. But that wasn't enough, was it? No 'cause then his real father came along and threw him in the ocean. Yep, that's me. Good for nothing J.J. Maybank."
John B. had also waded into the water, lingering behind J.J. as he listened to his friend express the feelings that surely needed an outlet. As painful as it was for John B. to hear him talk this way, he realized that if J.J. kept it all inside, he'd self-destruct. "I'm here, Jay. I'm still right here. I've got something else I need to tell you too."
"And what's that?" J.J. asked as he felt John B.'s arm go around his neck, his friend's hand resting on his chest as they stood side-by-side in the ocean. "You want to tell me more about how great I am? That you're glad I was born?"
"I could, but I'd rather do better. I want you to know that when we found you guys today, my hug wasn't only because you saved Sarah. I thought I'd lost both of you, J.J., and it hurt even more because our last words to each other would've been a fight."
As far away as that memory now seemed, J.J. felt even more ashamed as he remembered how he'd reacted to John B.'s news and his kind gesture. "I was a dick to you, wasn't I? I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that shit about you screwing up your kid."
"You were kind of a dick," John B. said as he began to guide J.J. back to shore. "But you weren't in your right mind either, and the offer is still on the table."
"What offer?" J.J. asked once they were back to sitting on the sand where they'd started.
"I still want you to be my baby's godfather, bud." John B. had kept his arm around J.J., able to feel his friend tense under the touch. "Or, I mean, if you don't want-"
"It's not that."
"Okay." John B. decided to repeat the words he'd spoken on the boat, taking them back to moments he wished had turned out better. "It's me, J.J. So talk to me. Please."
"What if I can't do it? How can I be anything to a kid, John B.? My life has been so fucked up. I don't know how you could trust me."
"You're my brother, Jay. And I know you'll love my kid. That's all it takes. Like I said before, there's nobody else I could want."
"There's Pope."
"But I want you."
But why? J.J. thought. How could John B. want me to be his baby's godfather when I was the little boy everyone rejected? Why would he choose me for something so special?
John B. could see that J.J. was beginning to cry now, his best friend's eyes shining with tears. "J.J., tell me what all this is about. It's okay if you're doubting yourself. Hell, you voiced my worst fear yesterday. I want to be a good dad, but I'm scared I'll mess my kid up. Sarah and me both had issues with our parents, and I don't want that for our baby. It's like we're learning from scratch because we didn't have good role models." As John B. paused, he reached for J.J.'s hand, giving it a squeeze. "I honestly thought you'd be able to use some good news right now. If I'd known asking you to be godfather would hurt you, I would've waited. There's lots of time, man. It's fine if you need to think about it for a while."
"I don't." J.J.'s voice was thick with the tears that were now breaking free and sliding down his cheeks. "There's nothing to think about. Of course I want to do this for you. You've been everything to me, Bree. And, any other time, I would've been so damn excited to hear you're going to be a dad. 'Cause you'll be the best. I know you will."
John B. smiled a little, thankful to get this moment with J.J., even though it was also permeated with sadness. "That's a nice change, Jay. I'm glad to know you believe that about me."
But what about myself? J.J. wondered. How can I be worthy of an honor so sacred? Doesn't John B. realize how tainted I am?
John B. knew there was more as he watched J.J. close his eyes, the tears not abating, no matter how hard his friend tried to fight them. "There's nobody here but me and you, bud. I'm listening."
J.J. was the one to initiate a hug this time, his arms wrapping around John B. almost desperately.
"Hey, it's okay," John B. said as he hugged his friend in return. "You'll be all right, bro. I promise."
"He used to want me, J.B. So I- I must've done something."
"What? Who?"
"Luke. He kept me, didn't he? He loved me when I was a little kid. He took care of me. He didn't have to be my dad, but he still let me stay. So something made him change his mind. Something went wrong."
"That doesn't mean you did anything, bud. I can't know for sure what happened, but I do know it isn't your fault."
J.J. shifted his arms and body so that he was barely hanging on to John B., but rather, his friend was fully holding and supporting him. "Maybe I reminded him too much of Larissa 'cause I look just like her. Maybe my mom, or the one I thought was my mom, left 'cause she got tired of raising somebody else's kid. No wonder Luke didn't want me anymore."
John B. could hear every once of devastation in J.J.'s voice, could feel it in the way he was being so raw, the rage stripped away to reveal a young man who ached for the sort of unconditional love many took for granted. "J.J., he's a bastard, okay? It's nothing to do with you, and I'm so sorry. I know you loved him anyway, but that's because that's the kind of person you are. In spite of what you've gone through, you've got a heart of gold."
J.J. remembered the moment when he'd jumped into the ocean after Sarah, motivated by love and the need to protect the only real family he had, adrenaline merely the catalyst that allowed him to sober up. He also recalled when he'd snapped at the zoning meeting, looking at Luke before he smashed the window. He'd been fueled by adrenaline then as well, but it was driven by a need for control and revenge. "He betrayed me, John B. I found out he lied to me my whole life, then he helped them take our home away. That's why I lost it."
"I know," John B. said, leaving it at that for now, even though he had many more thoughts on the matter of how J.J. had handled their property situation.
"And I lashed out at you because I couldn't believe you'd want me for something so beautiful. This is your kid we're talking about, and I'm just not worthy."
John B. couldn't imagine being a dad and not having J.J. as an essential part of the child's life. He couldn't see himself or his future without the brother he remained so grateful for regardless of his bad decisions. J.J.'s recklessness was, in fact, the reason he still had Sarah and their unborn baby. It was probably also the reason he himself was still alive. But, even more than all of that, John B. just loved his best friend and wished he could see his own merit and beauty.
J.J. continued at the same time he lifted himself out of John B.'s arms, the tears on his face not stopping the uncaring mask from slipping back into place. "Well, fuck this, huh? Sorry, J.B. I'm done whining now. Done wasting your time with my-"
"Are you kidding me, J.J.?" John B. asked. "You're not wasting my time, and you aren't whining. This is what I want you to do. It's what you need, bud. So I can tell you that how Luke treated you doesn't define you. Maybe he decided he didn't want to be a real dad to you once you got older, but that means he's the one who missed out."
"Yeah. Whatever."
John B. grabbed J.J.'s face in both of his hands so that the other man had no choice but to look at him. "No. It's not whatever. You are worthy of every good thing that could happen in the world, J.J. I can't even see my life without you, and you always have my back. You've protected me and loved me. I want my baby to have that in their life too. I want my child to have you in their corner because if you love this kid even half as much as you've loved me, I'll never worry about my son or daughter not having a soul to turn to. 'Cause they'll always have their Uncle J.J."
Closing his eyes, J.J. moved his hands up to cover John B.'s, swearing that, in this moment, no one else existed apart from the two of them on a beach in the middle of nowhere. "I'll love your baby so much, Bree. 'Cause, if you're picking me, I've got to do it right. For you and for Sarah. I have to be the best godfather ever."
John B. thought that J.J. was saying the words like a prayer, smiling solemnly as his friend's blue eyes opened to meet his gaze. "And you will. I believe in you, bro. One hundred percent. You've got this."
"You sound like a Hallmark card, J.B."
As John B. saw J.J. grin back at him, he felt tears swimming in his eyes, voice trembling as he responded to the joke his friend had made. "That's good. It means I can cheer you right up."
J.J. felt John B.'s hands when they shifted to his chest, his own now gripping his friend's arms as he noticed that he was about to cry. "Hey, I meant it. You're going to be an amazing dad. Shit, it's like I lost sight of the fact that you're the one who needs the real pep talk here."
John B.'s fingers curled around the fabric of J.J.'s shirt as he used the same phrase his friend had minutes earlier. "It's not that."
"All right. So let your ol' pal, Jay, in on what's going down in your mind then. Seriously, J.B., I-"
"I know how you felt now. For those few hours, I thought you'd drowned. I thought you were gone and never coming back."
At the mention of what was easily the most difficult period in his life, J.J. clutched at his chest, his hand wrapping around John B.'s as he breathed in air that felt like it could never be enough.
"I thought you and Sarah were dead. It was the worst thing I've ever felt. The worst pain."
As he listened to what John B. had to say, J.J. remembered how he'd grieved for his best friend, how the world had felt like it was caving in on him. So much had happened since then, and plenty had changed. But the memory of that suffocating feeling of loss had left a permanent scar.
"So, please, J.J. Please don't leave. I felt like I was losing you even before you jumped in that water, and I can't take it. I need you."
That plea snapped J.J. out of the reverie he'd begun to fall into, bringing him back to the present to see that John B. was sobbing. "Bro, you didn't lose me. Can't kill a pogue, remember? I'm still here, and I plan on keeping it that way."
John B. only cried harder, sagging forward to bury his face in J.J.'s shoulder.
"Aw, shit, Bree," J.J. said as he wrapped his friend in yet another embrace. "We going for a record or something here? Or did you get a two-for-one deal on emotional meltdowns?"
John B. spoke through his tears, wanting to give an explanation for why his composure had completely faded. "It's been so hard lately. Watching you, I mean. The drinking. And seeing you spin out back home. I should've realized right away that something else was wrong. When Kie told us about Groff, it all made sense. I just wish you would've felt like you could talk to me too."
"I was going to. My head was really fucked up, and I needed a little time. I wasn't even sure if I believed Luke at first."
"What made you decide to?"
J.J. could still feel John B. trembling with the cries that had overwhelmed him, his hand now cupping the back of his friend's head. "Just a feeling in my bones, I guess. Plus the letter. It wasn't like Luke sprung this on me himself. And there's nothin' for him to get out of lyin' about something like that either."
As John B. pulled away, he wiped his eyes and cheeks, even though it wasn't as if he had anything to hide. "Guess I needed to get that out of me, huh? Must've been my turn."
"Yeah, bud. Looks like it."
"I think I've just been really fuckin' scared. I still am. And I don't mean about being a dad either. That's gotta be normal, and I'll figure it out." John B. looked right into J.J.'s eyes, seeing a young man who'd been through more than his fair share, his brother who may be apt to crash before he even began to heal. "I'd never change anything about you, Jay. 'Cause I love you the way you are."
"Damn, why do I sense a huge 'but' coming in for a landing?"
"'Cause there is one, and it's just something I seriously need to say to you. As a friend and as a brother, I can't let it go, not even if you get pissed at me over it."
"Okay." J.J. mulled over what John B. had just said, relatively certain he didn't have it in him to be angry at his best friend for any reason right now. "Lay it on me then. Especially if that'll stop you from crying again."
"It might. Jay, I want you to stay alive, okay? Alive and not in jail. But if you keep doing what you have been, you'll end up hurt or locked in a cell. You can't go around starting fires or-"
"I started one fire. It's not like I do it all the time, John B. And you know what happened. You know they screwed us over and took what's ours. So how can you sit here and judge me?"
"I'm not judging you. I just don't want any of that stuff to happen again. I know you've been angry and hurt, but starting a riot and destroying shit is not the way to cope with it."
"Oh, so now you're the expert on helping me 'cope' with my sad feels, huh? You know how I should deal with finding out I'm not really the son of the man who was supposed to be my dad? As if taking away my childhood wasn't enough. He took away my identity too. Then he showed up at that damn meeting and stole the only real home I've ever had." J.J. could feel the heat of anger as it tore through his chest, its flames as hot and bright as they had been when he'd allowed the emotion to dominate his every move. "So go ahead and tell me how to do this, Dr. John B. And, while you're at it, tell me how to handle knowing the blood I've got running through me is the same as a psycho whose a hundred times worse than Luke even knows how to be."
"I'm not saying I'm an expert, J.J. I'm a long way from that, but I want you to see that you can always lean on me like you're doing right now. You can lean on all of us. We're your family, remember? You can go ahead and be mad at me, but-"
"I ain't mad at you. 'Cause you're not wrong, and I know you're just trying to be real with me. But you know me, J.B. My first instinct is to push back on what you're telling me. Like I need a challenge or something."
"Man, you've got plenty of those already. And damn straight I'm being real with you. The stakes are too high for me to be anything else." John B. wrapped an arm around J.J.'s shoulders, squeezing him as he went on. "As for what you've found out about the kind of person Groff is, that's the main reason I had to talk to you about all this. 'Cause, yeah, he's a sociopath, and I can't say I know everything about how you should deal with that. But I do know you have to accept our support. Going off by yourself and being destructive won't be the way you get through it. You're not on your own with this, so there's no reason to act like you are."
As J.J. breathed in the salty smell of the ocean, he lifted a hand to grip John B.'s wrist, reflecting on the heinous acts Groff had committed just since he'd found out the evil man was his biological father. Leaving J.J. stranded in the water was only one of them. Groff had also hurt Kie, killed a woman and framed his son for the crime, and made J.J. open his own mother's grave. "All my life I've been a Maybank. The child of a thief and a liar and an addict. Looked down on by a bunch of kooks 'cause of that and being poor as shit. But it turns out I should've been just as rich as they are. It turns out my father is a killer. And not like Luke almost was when he'd be coked out or drunk. Groff's stone cold sober, and he's nothin' but a selfish son of a bitch. He's a monster, and he made me. I'm a murderer's kid."
John B. put his free hand on the side of J.J.'s head, fingers caught in the blond's hair as he wished he could send his best friend's doubts and pain out to sea, where they would be washed away by its depths. But John B. didn't have that kind of power, so he had to settle for being as present as he possibly could for J.J., making sure he was kept accountable but also wholly loved. "But that doesn't define you either. DNA means everything in biology, but it doesn't mean shit to me. You're still the best man I know, the best friend I'll ever have, and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world."