Bound To Light
Author's Note: Reading Jedi Quest: The Master of Disguise gave me sooo many feels. I reallyyy don't agree with how the author wrote Anakin at numerous points but that inspired me to do this fic. It's basically a rewrite of a couple scenes, except Anakin's thoughts are different and some of the conversations are slightly adjusted and redone. And the last scene is some entirely original fluff because I think everyone needs a tiny break from the angst. :) I don't think it's necessary to have read the book first to understand the fic also, btw. :D Hopefully Anakin seems in character cuz that's really why I rewrote the scenes in the first place lol
Also, the only warning I can give is that Anakin needs a hug.
~ Tirana Sorki
Failure.
The full meaning of it is burning in his gut and he can't stop feeling it, as though it's a physical thing. He always manages to fail, or mess something up somehow.
Darra's cry rings through his mind again, as she fell.
They were on a mission together to Haariden. The planet was ripped apart by war and any efforts by the Senate to cause a cease fire was always broken in no time. The Senate had wanted them to go in and rescue some scientists who were there for a Senate investigation into mineral resources on the planet but had been caught in the crossfire. The assumption was that they would be used as hostages by whatever side picked them up first so they had to get them out.
But, of course they were ambushed along the way. Fighting off the soldiers, Darra had nearly been taken by surprise. Anakin tried to defend her, except Darra had corrected her form before he got there and he'd accidentally pumped into her – throwing them both off balance a second too long. Long enough for a blaster shot to hit her in the leg.
The blaster shots there are laced with some kind of chemical compound and she's been unconscious ever since. Because of him. He always manages to mess up somehow and sometimes it feels like he's the only one who ever does – especially when he's the only one who can't.
Because he has to be enough, has to be what they're demanding of him. has to be good enough to be this Chosen One they want him to be, even if he doesn't even know what that means. And if he's not good enough, he'll be nothing.
Darra's master offered to give him lightsaber training, or at least that's what Obi-Wan told him. It felt more like a penalty for getting her padawan hurt than anything else, but Obi-Wan insisted that it was an honor and he hadn't been very interested in hearing any arguments about either.
He wants to make up for what he did, somehow.
And if this is what his master really thinks will improve his lightsaber skills, he can't complain.
He's actually beginning to think learning with Soara might not be so bad when she takes him out to the Underworld for a training session. Where Tru jumps him out of nowhere, which he has to admit is fair – no one expects attack in battle.
But a Jedi Master is watching so Anakin throws everything he can into winning, even if Tru has the advantage from the surprise attack. He pulls a few maneuvers to get the upper hand, forcing the other padawan to stumble back a bit awkwardly, nearly losing his balance.
He could've defeated him right then but then he almost feels bad. Tru's his friend – the first real friend, other than Darra, who he's ever had since Tatooine – and he doesn't want to embarrass him in front of another Jedi Master either. Anakin waits a moment, long enough that Tru recollects himself and the duel carries on, with no real winner.
"Good fight," his friend calls to him cheerfully before he heads away, back for the Temple.
The Jedi Master turns to him as soon as they're alone. "I called it a draw, but you lost," Soara says, "And you lost in the worst sort of way."
Anakin blinks, taken aback. "What?"
"If you want to become a great Jedi, you must fight without emotion," she replies, "You obviously have not learned this. You must fight without anger, without fear, without rage. Without ego."
He knows that but – Everything he feels runs so deep and overwhelming, he has no idea how to stop it. He tries to let it go but it never seems to work that way for him, the same way it does everyone else. He doesn't know what's wrong with him. But he doesn't know what ego has to do with this at all.
"Without ego?" he repeats, "But – "
"No buts. Listen. On Haariden, you made the same mistake. Because you know Darra, you rushed in to protect her. Today you protected Tru. You think you are doing this as a mark of friendship. But you're really doing it to boost your own ego."
What?
He was afraid Darra was going to get hurt. That's why he tried to help her. He has been on more missions than her, yes. She's a couple years younger than him and became a padawan far later. He wasn't doing it because he thinks he's better than her or - something. Or whatever it is Soara's trying to say. Right?
He still remembers their first mission together, remembers Darra's nervous smile as she said "This is my first mission so I'm counting on you to make me look good." And it had been a joke but he totally understood it.
And he – cares about her. Even if the Jedi probably say he shouldn't. Not this deeply at least. How could he not have tried to help her? He wasn't trying to be arrogant but maybe – That is what led to Darra getting hurt so he doesn't even know anymore. She's a Jedi Master and she ought to know what she's talking about, but...
"My own ego?" he echoes again, confused.
Soara crosses her arms. "You know, Anakin, things will go a lot faster if you don't repeat everything I say. Yes, your own ego. You think you're a better fighter than your friends. You think you're faster. You think you need to go easy on them. Let me tell you something. You're not better. As a matter of fact, you're a good deal worse."
The words sting sharply.
He always tries to be the best, because he has to be, if he's ever going to be whatever it is the Jedi accepted him for in the first place. He can't stop trying to be the best or he'll be nothing. And he knows he's better than many other padawans but he's not trying to be arrogant or showing off or – anything.
He was just trying to help Darra, even if in the end, all he did was mess that up to.
He wasn't trying to go on easy on Tru – exactly. He just didn't want to defeat him like that in front of her or maybe that's exactly what she's saying but... He doesn't understand why that's a bad thing.
He doesn't even – understand.
He doesn't have the chance to think past that either before Soara's abruptly spinning and kicking the lightsaber out of his hand.
"And another thing," she adds, "Never let down your guard."
His heart skips a beat, even for as stupid as that is, because he already knows Jedi don't hit their padawans for messing up. He accepted that years ago but there's moments he's half-expecting it to happen anyway.
Anakin turns away, going to collect his lightsaber.
She's already turning to go and all he can do is – try. He'll be the best padawan she's ever taught. He'll reflect on what she said and he'll work on his forms and he won't stop trying until he is.
**w**
But before Anakin deals with his lightsaber training, with every intention of going to the training stalls and working himself to exhaustion, he goes to check on Darra. She's still in the healer's wing.
He enters her room silently, her copper golden hair flung across her pillow. Her eyes are closed, machines still hooked up to her, and she looks so small and helpless.
It makes his heart ache.
But then her mouth twists upward in a slight smile. "Hello, Anakin," she says softly, eyes still closed.
His heart flares in relief and he moves closer. "I came to say good night. Are you feeling better?"
"Yes. Much." She opens her eyes, blinking at him. "Better than you look, anyway. What have you been doing?"
Is he still that much of a mess? "A private tutorial with your Master."
She winces sympathetically. "Ooh. Sorry."
Is her harshness that normal? To be fair, he feels like it's true for most of the masters. And he's always too –
Trying to help all the wrong people to even be like them. He knows it was never a mistake he should've made, but he just...
Anakin crouches next to Darra, so they're near eye level. "She's very tough."
"The toughest," Darra agrees.
"But I can learn." He will. He has to.
"If you listen. She'll push you hard, and then she'll tell you something strange, something you don't want to understand. That's what she wants. The more tired you are, the emptier you are. That's when she really starts to work."
Hmm. He'll keep what Darra's said in mind, then.
"Lucky me," he supplies with a grimace, "Look, I'm sorry about what happened on Haariden. She told me it was my ego. She was right." He should've known Darra could handle herself. He should've – something.
"It's okay," Darra assures, "Now I have something to impress the younger kids with. I was wounded in battle."
Anakin would've cracked a smile under any other circumstances. It makes him feel a little better to know that she's not upset but he also almost feels worse, knowing that she's not. It doesn't change that he got her hurt. "I'm here to make you a promise," Anakin starts.
"Don't," she interrupts, pushing herself up on her elbow, "I know what you're going to say and you can't promise such a thing. Besides, I can get my lightsaber back myself." She'd dropped it there when she was shot and in the chaos, they hadn't been able to go back for it. And Anakin's had it drilled into him over and over, how important of a possession that is.
"But I'm the reason you lost it."
"I'm the reason I lost it," she replies firmly, "I'm the one who dropped it. Did you ever think it was your ego that wants to get it back?"
He's doing it because of how awful he feels, actually, and how it feels like he more than owes it to her. He has to at least try to make this up to her. He's about to reply when Darra abruptly slumps back against the pillows, sighing quietly.
"Do me a favor," she says, "Don't argue with me. I'm too tired."
...Well, that's fair.
She looks like she's trying hard to cover up her exhaustion, actually, and it has him instantly worried.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" Anakin asks, trying to think of something, "Would you like some juice or some food or – some music?"
His mother used to sing to him when putting him to bed sometimes. He misses that so much sometimes. He'd do that for Darra if she wanted it, but – so much about his past is something he never speaks of. Because he's not supposed to.
Her eyes flutter closed. "Just one thing," she requests, "Stay with me until I fall asleep. It's lonely here."
"I will," he promises instantly, shifting so that he's sitting on the floor. He leans against the sleep couch near her head, where she can feel the pressure enough to know that he's next to her. And hopefully make her feel safe.
He misses when there weren't countless nights that he feels lonely. He never did on Tatooine, not really. There were times, he supposes, that he longed desperately for something – someone – who he hadn't even met but Mom and Kitster were always there.
And sometimes... when he was younger, he'd stay by Obi-Wan at night. But that hasn't been as true as he's got older. Maybe it's just that sometimes it feels like the older he is, the more Obi-Wan gets frustrated with him.
Darra and Tru are the first friends he's had since coming to the Temple in the last five years, and it means a lot. He'll never take the time he has with Darra for granted.
Her eyes open after a moment, meeting his. "You okay?" she asks sleepily, blinking at him.
Was it that obvious?
"Are you ever lonely other times?" he asks.
She blinks, looking like she's struggling to stay awake. He should probably not have initiated another conversation. "Maybe sometimes. Getting my own room after I always lived in a creche with so many other Initiates was a big change. But this is what I've always wanted."
"Me too," Anakin admits softly, and if he gets to actually do something to help, the emptiness he feels so much sometimes is worth it, "Sometimes... I think I'm still getting used to having a room all alone too." He always did on Tatooine but Mom was always there. It's not like here.
"I suppose we can get used to it together," Darra offers.
No comments about how he should've learned that already because of how long he's been a Jedi. It makes him relax a little more.
Anakin smiles at her, reaching up slowly, taking Darra's hand and squeezing it. She squeezes it back, even if her grip is weak.
She closes her eyes again and they don't say anything more. It's not long before he hears her breathing even out and her grip on his hand loosens entirely.
Anakin waits a few minutes longer, just to make sure, before he silently stands. He'd like to stay here longer, even if she is already sleeping, but his duties call him elsewhere, the way they always do.
But before he does, he pauses one last long moment. "I promise you, Darra," he whispers, "I will return your lightsaber to you. It is not my ego. It is my promise." And he means. He'll find a way.
**w**
Training with Soara... doesn't really feel like he's getting much better. He's doing the same training exercises that he's done all his life over and over again, and he knows she's probably trying to tire him out and then actually teach him something – the way Darra said – but it feels like he needs to be doing this faster.
He has to be better and if he's not, then – Then that means he's failing. He's supposed to be patient as a Jedi too and he knows that and maybe – Maybe that's the point she's trying to make. He doesn't know but he's not sure how this could be something he takes slowly.
But another training session with her ends with little change and he can't stop the frustration growing inside of him. It's late in the afternoon - he hasn't eaten in a long time and he's exhausted. He remembers what Darra said about it though, and... he just hopes he passed whatever test Soara was trying to give him.
He's walking back to his quarters, past some of the fountains in the Temple when he suddenly senses something. There's the flash of a lightsaber in his vision and whirls instinctively, jumping back just in time.
Another one of Soara's surprise attacks but he just wasn't expecting it to be Ferus standing there.
Any time he's around him, it always ends –
Well, badly.
He always calls him out on the slightest misstep of the Jedi way and it feels like he always knows what the right Jedi thing to do is and Anakin never quite does. The Council always praises him. Siri always praises him. Obi-Wan never does the same for him, and... There's times he doesn't understand. He knows he shouldn't be jealous but he can't force the feeling to go away, no matter how much he tries to squash it. All Anakin ever gets no matter what he does is constant stares of how he's different and just a slave.
Ferus is good at everything and Anakin never is, and – Maybe that is why Soara picked him. Because Ferus is one of the best at lightsaber combat so it is fair to pair him against Anakin, just to see how he's really doing. Well then, he's not going to disappoint her. He'll win. He has to. He'll show her how much he's learned.
He draws his lightsaber quickly when Ferus comes at him again, and they trade blows in a blur. Ferus has the advantage again, just like Tru, from the surprise attack and trying to get back on even ground with him is harder.
A challenge he'd enjoy another other time but when he needs to be showing his skill, and when it's Ferus who's always better, he can't – focus.
He's letting that distract him and he knows it's not the Jedi way but he scarcely has time to think at all as they trade blows.
Ferus' lightsaber brushes across his shoulder – training setting so it doesn't hurt him but it means he scored a win against him.
Already.
He doesn't miss the gleam of triumph in the other boy's eyes.
He's trying hard to win and it shouldn't irk him so badly but it does because he can't lose this fight and he throws everything he has into it. Until he's flipping over him and landing with his lightsaber near Ferus' neck.
Breathing hard, Anakin looks up to where the Jedi master is watching them. Her face is as impressive as ever. He can just hope he did well.
"Thank you, Ferus," Soara calls, "Stay there, Anakin."
"Good fight," Ferus says, expression as serene as ever, "Except for one thing."
"What one thing?" Anakin demands, confused.
Ferus just smiles and walks away.
Soara approaching is enough to draw his attention away from the other boy. "That was your last lesson," she says.
Surprise pulses through him.
...He did that well?
"Before this," she goes on, "I had been impressed with your gifts. I had thought you had the potential to be one of the great Jedi fighters of all time. I thought I could teach you. Now I have grave doubts about you, Anakin."
What?
But –
"What did I do wrong?" he asks. He was trying. He doesn't –
"That question is the problem," Soara replies, shaking her head, "That is what is wrong. You don't know what you did. Didn't you feel your anger, Anakin? Didn't you realize it was fueling the battle?"
When she spells it out like that, he –
He knows he wasn't as calm as he was supposed to be. If it had been anyone but Ferus, it wouldn't have been such an issue. Why does he always mess up, especially at the worst time?
But what is he even supposed to tell her now? She doesn't want to teach him anymore because he's always a failure.
And Ferus never is.
He tries to stop and let that go the way he knows it's expected, but it's – not that easy. Maybe that really is the problem. He's not as good as he needs to be and he knows that. That's his fault, not the Jedi's.
"Ferus wanted to win," Anakin objects finally, even if it feels like making excuses, "I saw triumph in his eyes when he surprised me." That's called fighting on emotions too, isn't it?
"And it made you angry," she points out, "Ferus did not fight from his emotion, Anakin. if you saw triumph in his eyes, he absorbed it and went on. That is the lesson you must learn. You will feel the emotion. You must let it go."
That –
Everyone tells him that.
He needs to do that better. He just doesn't know how. Maybe there really is just something wrong with him.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles finally, because he doesn't know what else to say.
Soara steps closer, laying a hand on his shoulder. "You must do this, Anakin. You must learn this lesson. It is the most important one of all."
He should say something but he doesn't know what. He could promise to do better but only actually doing it will convince anyone.
"Thank you for the time you devoted to teaching me," he offers quietly, eyes on the ground. All he can feel now is the burning shame crawling through him and he should probably be letting that go and centering himself and then trying to do what she's saying but it feels like it's smothering him.
Soara just looks... sad, maybe? "Go get something to eat," she tells him, turning away.
It cuts through him even more sharply. She really did want to help him, didn't she? And he just messed that up too. What is he going to tell Obi-Wan?
Why is his master the only one who never gets tired of putting him with him? Sometimes, he wonders if there's going to be a moment where he does and leaves like everyone else. But Obi-Wan would never do that because he's so patient and nice.
Anakin watches her go, trying and failing to breathe past the growing lump in his throat. When the tears come, he doesn't bother to stop them. He's alone anyway.
It's a while before he calms down. He approaches the fountain, crouching next to it and letting himself focus on the feel of the water in the Force. It's soft and grounding and he reaches into it, splashing water onto his face to wash it off. It doesn't do much to make him feel better.
**w**
In the end, Anakin does end up finding Darra's lightsaber. The scientists who he thought he was supposed to be protecting turned out to be involved in shady things behind the war on Haariden in the first place. He doesn't know how to feel about that either – considering how much he'd started to befriend them on the way.
Anakin goes to find Darra as soon as he gets back to the Temple. She's in the medical bay but she looks much better than when he was last here. He can't deny his nervousness that Soara might be there but she's not. He's... unreasonably grateful for that. He's not ready to face her right now.
"How are you feeling?" he queries with a grin, approaching Darra.
She's sitting on the edge of the bed. "Much better." She eyes him. "You look a bit better too. Did something happen?"
He's tried to bury from mind what happened with her master. Doesn't really want to talk about it at all right now. He's glad Obi-Wan's been too busy to ask him about it – unless Soara already spoke to him in private and his master decided not to mention it, which he rather doubts. "I have something for you," Anakin replies, withdrawing her lightsaber from his robes and holding it out to her.
Her eyes widen as she takes it. "Thank you," she says, smiling up at him, "But how did you get it back?"
"I went back to Haariden."
"Just for this? You... didn't have to do that."
"I was on a mission too," he admits, "But I would have done it either way." And he means that. He would have. At least being able to return it to her takes a small weight off his chest. He made one thing right.
"Are you alright after another trip to Haariden?" she asks with a wince, "I can't stop thinking about that place."
Anakin can't either. There was so much death there. It's not the first time he's seen a planet entirely torn apart by war but it was still unsettling to walk through town after town where everything was burnt to the ground and the entire air was filled with death and the Dark Side. He hopes it's not something he'll have to face much in the future. It was – hard, to feel all of that.
"I can't either," Anakin admits.
"I just don't understand how people could tear apart their entire planet and ruin everything beautiful on it," she says. "Not even the trees were left."
He nods. He can't forget seeing the endless charred trees either. "It's going to look worse now," Anakin admits, "While I was there, there was a volcano. It took out a lot of the area."
"A volcano?" Darra repeats, eyes wide, "I think I'm glad I didn't see that."
"I almost found it fascinating, aside from the part where Master Obi-Wan and I were stuck in a ship right in the flow of the lava." Because two of the scientists had trapped them on board when they were chasing him down. "And... I saw more people die there."
He doesn't need to tell her the details. Of how they were standing on the edge of that mountain when it erupted. He and Obi-Wan had tried so hard to talk those soldiers into leaving but they refused to leave the land they fought for. Anakin had been flying the ship overhead when the eruption was happening. They'd tried to go back for them again, only for him to get an up close and personal view of them being buried in the molten rock.
And he wasn't able to do anything to stop it. He knows in this case it wasn't his fault but it was still – awful.
Darra shudders. "I'm glad not all missions are like that."
"Me too," Anakin admits, "But it is worlds like that which need us the most."
She nods, glancing back down at the lightsaber in her hands, before clipping it back to her belt.
Anakin lingers, mind momentarily back on Haariden, just remembering. He doesn't know what it is about lava that unsettles him so much but sometimes it feels familiar. Familiar in the he's going to see a lot more of this than he wants to in the future sort of way, instead of reminding him of something in the past. It's weird but he tries to brush it aside.
"What about a spar?" Anakin suggests finally, "To see if you're up to it?" She'll have to get back into fighting condition somehow and he's more than willing to help if he can.
"Sure," Darra agrees, standing, "I'm supposed to take it easy for a while still, though."
"Maybe I can show you some new lightsaber techniques I've been working on inventing, then," he says teasingly.
"From my master?" Darra asks, raising an eyebrow.
He tries not to let the mention of that ruin his mood. He doesn't think Darra even has a clue what happened. "No. Entirely original." He grins. "I don't have an attachment to the normal lightsaber curriculum so I've been experimenting."
Like turning off his lightsaber mid-duel. He tried that on Obi-Wan once and his master had found it amusing, even if he'd been trying to put on a stubbornly grumpy front about the whole thing.
"I'm curious to see what you mean," Darra replies, amused.
"Come," he says cheerily, moving to go and she follows. This is going to be fun.
The first fun thing he's been able to do in a long time, without something to ruin the mood.
Moments like this remind him of why he'll never regret his choice to be a Jedi, no matter how much he still struggles.
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