"Ultimate All-Star Fanfiction Celebrity Jeopardy"
Rated: T
Fandom: X-Overs, Misc. TV Shows
Genre: Humor, Parody
Summary: Four characters from different types of media take place in the greatest quiz show of all time. The problem is, one of them involves a certain Scotsman. Can our favorite mustached host survive the monstrosity?
Disclaimer: Do not own anything involving Saturday Night Live or any of its sketches. SNL is completely owned by NBC. I do however own this fic by the way.
Chapter 1: Bugs Bunny, Hulk Hogan, Caillou and Sean Connery
The story begins with Alex Trebek, who is obviously beat, exhausted and tired from today's single round of Jeopardy, is shown alongside four simple contestants. Well, simple wasn't really the word to put it, but they were such a weird bunch of contestants that were chosen for this first episode. One of them was a certain gray cartoon rabbit, a familiar pro wrestler with a familiar handlebar mustache, a whiny bald 4-year old crybaby best known for throwing temper tantrums, and to top off this list, a certain bearded Scotsman with a very dirty smirk written on his lips.
After the familiar "Jeopardy!" theme music was over and done with, Trebek let out a depressed groan before saying to the camera, "And welcome back to Ultimate All-Star Fanfiction Celebrity Jeopardy. Before we begin Double Jeopardy, I would like to remind each of our contestants to quit throwing things at me. I'm not a bullseye for god's sake. With that said, let's take a look at our scores. Bugs Bunny is in 1st place with -8,000."
Bugs looked smug, munching on a carrot while lounging in his seat.
"I'm such a stinker." Smirked the wascally wabbit himself.
"That would definitely explain the score," Trebek rolled his eyes. "Hulk Hogan is in 2nd place with -32,000."
The audience gasped as the scoreboard revealed Hogan's massive deficit. He looked utterly confused, his arms still flexed from his previous incorrect response.
"What you mean the Hulkster's not smart, dude?" he growled, causing the microphone to feedback with his deep voice. "I was very certain I had the last answer right, brother!"
"For the last time, Mr. Hogan, Andre The Giant is not the name of a fruit." Trebek said, groaning once again. He then let out a very deathly groan as he looked toward the next contestant who was sitting next to Hulk Hogan, "In 3rd place with perhaps $-500,000, is Caillou."
The audience couldn't hold in their laughter as the bald, whiny boy looked up from his crayon scribbles on the podium. "What's so funny?" He whined, sticking his bottom lip out.
"Your performance, apparently." Trebek rolled his eyes at the bald kid, "And not to mention we had to penalize you for every freaking temper tantrum you had."
The audience erupted in laughter, while Caillou's face grew redder than a cherry tomato. He looked like he was about to burst into tears any moment now, which would only add to his already abysmal score. But thankfully, the camera man managed to refocus back on Alex Trebek, who rolled his eyes in agony once he noticed who was sitting right next to Caillou.
"That's better," The moustached host nodded before groaning. "And finally... in last place with negative god-knows-what... Sean Connery."
Connery leaned back with his arms crossed, his usual smugness replaced with a look that could only be described as 'the calm before the storm'. He said with such a sly grin, "We meet once again, you sploogy bastard."
Trebek's jaw clenched, trying to hold back his frustration at the constant jibes from the former James Bond star. "Mr. Connery, if you would refrain from your usual... commentary, we can proceed with Double Jeopardy."
"Ah, what's the matter, Alex," Sean said, feigning compassion. "Don't you want to tell me what I did today?"
Alex Trebek said with a distressed groan, "Let me guess, my mother?"
"What?!" Connery shrieked out of shock, "No Trebek, that would be sick!"
"Oh, good," Trebek sighed in relief. "I'm so glad to hear that."
Then all of a sudden, Sean let out a maniacal laugh as he said, "I'm just messin' with ya, lad! I did do your mother today!"
The audience soon became stunned with laughter, with Bugs looking up from his carrot with a raised eyebrow. Hulk Hogan's jaw dropped hearing this, and even Caillou looked surprised with his crayon frozen mid-air.
Trebek looked unamused himself saying to himself, "Why the hell didn't I see this coming? Anyway, let's just look at the categories for Double Jeopardy."
The screen then cut to the familiar Jeopardy category board where the categories began to light up one-by-one, with Alex Trebek announcing them in order.
"They are: 'Potent Potables', 'Whose Kid Is This', 'Famous Bobbies', 'Don't Touch Your Face', 'What's Your Name', 'Peanut Butter or Jelly', and finally... 'Name That Wascally Wabbit'. And I will give you only one hint: There is only ONE. Mr. Bugs Bunny, since you have the lead, you get to choose. May I recommend 'Name That Wascally Wabbit' for $400?"
Bugs said with a brief shrug, "Nah, that category doesn't suit me, Doc. How about 'Famous Daffys' for $400?"
"That was only in single Jeopardy, Bugs," Trebek groaned, "Which is weird because NOBODY chose that category."
Bugs waved his hand dismissively. "Well, let's not dwell on the past, Doc. How 'bout 'Famous Daffys' in Double Jeopardy for $800?"
"No Bugs, we're not doing that," Trebek shook his head. He then turned his attention to Hulk Hogan, "Hulkster, you choose a category."
Hulk Hogan, who was busy flexing his so-called 24-inch pythons, spoke out to Trebek in his usual rants, "Well, let me tell you something, brother. I think the Hulkster's gonna choose his Hulkamaniacs for a swift billion dollars, man!"
Trebek groaned once again, "That's not a category in Double Jeopardy either."
"What, are you serious?" Hulk gasped before shaking his finger toward Alex, "That doesn't work for me, brother!"
"Fine," Trebek sighed, turning to the youngest contestant, "How about you, Caillou?"
Caillou then raised his hands like an idiot, "I want chicken nuggets!"
The audience and the other contestants stared in confusion, but Trebek had had enough. "We are playing a game of knowledge, not ordering fast food, young man. Choose a category."
"No, I want chicken nuggets!" Caillou whined, raising his voice out of irritation. The 4-year old then clenched his fists and threw out a major rage-filled temper tantrum, "I want chicken nuggets! I want chicken nuggets! I want chicken nuggets! I want chicken nuggets! I want chicken nuggets! I WANT CHICKEN NUGGETS!"
The audience gawked in both shock and laughter, while Bugs calmly chewed his carrot, unbothered by the outburst. Hulk Hogan was still not giving a shit by flexing his muscles, all while Sean Connery still continued to hold in his laughter. Trebek, on the other hand, was visibly annoyed. He took a deep breath, trying to regain control of the spiraling situation.
"Alright, alright, we'll order chicken nuggets for you during the commercial break. Now, please choose a category, Caillou," he said through gritted teeth.
"I refuse to choose until you give me chicken nuggets..." Caillou gritted his teeth back.
"Then you can forget it, Caillou," The host said with a simple groan.
Sean smirked over to Trebek, "Some group of laddies you chose there, Trebek."
"Mr. Connery, if you don't mind," Alex replied with a forced smile, "It's your turn to select a category."
"Ah, will do," Connery nodded back, "I'll take Famous Boobies for $400."
The mischevious Scotsman then pointed towards the category board, mostly pointing to the category that said 'Famous Bobbies'. But instead of saying 'Famous Bobbies' however, there was the two letters 'OO' that was drawn over the two letters 'OB', which drew out 'Famous Boobies' instead.
Trebek's eyes nearly popped out in stunned shock seeing this, not even knowing what to make of Sean Connery's antics. He then turned to Sean with a distressed scowl, "Again with the magic marker, Sean?!"
Connery shrugged with a cheeky grin, "Oh, come on, Alex, at least I didn't shove it up my butt this time!"
The audience roared with laughter, and even Bugs couldn't help but chuckle, tossing his carrot in the air. "Good one, Doc!" he exclaimed, catching it in his mouth with a satisfying crunch.
"Whoa, I didn't know that could be possible, dude!" Hulk Hogan said, feeling amazed of what Connery did.
Caillou suddenly felt confused of what Sean Connery said, truth be told. He remained silent for a few seconds before raising his hand at Alex Trebek, "Mr. Host, can I put a crayon up my butt?"
"No, Caillou," he replied firmly, "Crayons are for coloring, not for that. Since the rest of you are too inebriated to choose, I'll have to choose a category for all of you. Let's try 'Name That Wascally Wabbit' for $400."
The audience's laughter turned into a mix of anticipation and dread. Bugs' eyes gleamed, and he leaned forward eagerly. The first clue flashed on the board: "This wabbit is known for his clever quips and carrot-chewing antics."
Before Trebek could finish reading the clue, Hulk Hogan slapped the button with a big crunch.
"Mr. Hogan?" asked Trebek.
"Oh, the Hulkster's got this, man!" Hulk exclaimed, all before struggling to think of an answer, "I believe it's on the tip of my tongue, dude. Ooh, I know I know him from somewhere, brother. I just can't put my mind to it somehow, man. Oh, I finally know, dude. What is-"
*BEEP BEEP*
"I'm sorry, Mr. Hogan," Trebek interrupted, his patience wearing as thin as paper, "But we don't have all day for you to ponder. Caillou, would you like to take a shot?"
"Can you give me a picture of what the rabbit looks like?" Caillou raised his hand.
"Sorry, we can't do that, Caillou," Trebek said with another groan, "You're just gonna have to take a guess. But I'll give you a hint: He's sitting right beside Hulk Hogan right now."
Caillou then started to act a bit sniffly, "But I want a picture of a rabbit! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIT! I WANT A RABBIIIIIITTTT!"
*BEEP BEEP*
"ENOUGH!" Trebek shouted to Caillou in a fit of rage, "Since I've had enough of your whining, I'm deducting your points to negative million!"
Caillou, much to the irritation of Alex Trebek and the audience members themselves, started bawling like a whiny crybaby to the point where snot was dripping down from the kid's nose. Bugs found this scene very tiring for a second until he pressed the buzzer.
"Oh, thank goodness," Trebek sighed yet again, "You have an answer, Mr. Bunny?"
Bugs immediately tapped his chin, "Hmmm, the clue looks and sounds quite familiar. I don't know who makes quips and chews carrots. It could be anyone..."
The host suddenly grew impatient from Bugs's inability to answer the question, but still kept his cool as he gently said to the familiar rabbit, "Okay, here's a clue that could help you out, Mr. Bunny: He is such a stinker."
"I gave your mother a stinker last night, Trebek!" Sean Connery said with a boisterous laugh. The audience erupted in laughter, but Trebek's expression remained stoic, his patience clearly at its end.
"Mr. Connery, that is not an appropriate guess," he said, his voice tight. "And for your information, she's not a fan of your... stinkers."
Bugs finally leaned into his podium, his eyes gleaming with mischief. "Wait, I finally got the answer, Doc!"
"Oh, finally, someone who gets it," Trebek rolled his eyes in relief, "You have the right answer?"
"I do," Bugs nodded, all before guessing, "Who's is Sean Connery?"
Trebek immediately heard this and found himself completely flabbergasted of the answer Bugs had given to him. Sean, on the other hand, couldn't help but fail to hold his laughter in realizing that response was all but true.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Bunny," Trebek said, his voice monotone, "That's incorrect."
"But Doc, he's always telling me jokes about you!" Bugs said with a smirk.
Trebek's eyes narrowed at the Scottish actor. "Mr. Connery, I don't find it funny that you're using the game show to spread such filth," he said coldly.
Connery's smug look never left his face as he responded, "Oh, lighten up, Trebek. It's all in good fun, laddie."
The audience roared with laughter once again, and even Hulk Hogan was cracking up, his large frame shaking the stage. "Oh man, that's good stuff, dude!" he said, slapping his knee.
Caillou was suddenly confused. "What's a stinker?"
"You don't want to know," Trebek shook his head to Caillou. He then let out a deep breath, "Let's just move on and go with 'Whose Kid Is This' for $400. And for this clue, I'm just gonna show you a picture and you all tell me who it is, okay?"
The camera soon cut to the category board, where the $400 clue to the 'Whose Kid Is This' category slid away to reveal a picture of Caillou.
"Okay, who is this kid shown right here?" Trebek asked the contestants. "Caillou, you might want to guess this."
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Hogan?" Trebek said to the Hulkster.
"Oh, I know that guy, maniac," Hulk pointed out before shouting, "That's Charlie Brown, dude!"
"Incorrect," Trebek said, his voice strained.
"What?!" Hulk looked shocked, "But he's got that bald head and the shirt with the zigzag!"
"That's Caillou, Mr. Hogan," Trebek corrected, his eyes rolling in annoyance.
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Bunny?" The host replied.
Bugs said with a smirk, "What is Elmer Fudd?"
Trebek's eyebrows shot up. "I'm sorry, Mr. Bunny, but that's incorrect."
"But he's got a bald head, ain't he?" Bugs pointed out to the picture.
*BZZT!*
"Oh, thank goodness Caillou rang in," Trebek rolled his eyes in relief. He asked the bald kid, "Caillou, would you like to take a guess?"
Caillou took his precious time tapping his chin just for thought.
After seconds of thinking however, the 4-year old snapped his fingers before saying, "Oh, I got it-"
*BEEP BEEP*
"Times up, Caillou." Trebek bluntly said.
"That's me!" Caillou exclaimed, pointing to his picture.
"You're too late, Caillou," Trebek groaned once more, "No points for you."
Caillou immediately heard this like a shot to the heart. So much so that his tears shed in pure anger and his face had gotten so red that it could make Satan himself wet the bed.
The 4-year old shouted and screamed angrily in rage, "I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POINTS! I WANT POIIIIIIIIINTS!"
Not taking any more of Caillou's loud rage-filled temper tantrums, Trebek had no choice but to lose his composure and yell to Caillou:
"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!?"
Alex Trebek's voice boomed over the stage, silencing the entire room. His usually calm and collected demeanor was gone, replaced with pure, unbridled rage. The audience sat stunned, not expecting the beloved game show host to snap like that. Even the unflappable Bugs Bunny took a moment to blink in surprise.
But the shock was short-lived. Caillou's face crumpled and he burst into loud, wailing sobs, his tiny fists banging on the podium. "I WANT THE POINTS!" he screamed through his snotty nose.
"I fucking hate you," Trebek snarled to Caillou, his voice very strained. "Since I'm not gonna even bother having to get Mr. Connery's answer, let's just go right to Final Jeopardy. And there is no clue, all you have to do to win is to write down what your favorite drink is."
After he busy giving out the clue, the Final Jeopardy theme began to play out in a small intermission. Bugs Bunny began to write down his usual answers and wagers, with Hulk Hogan looking toward Bugs's podium for a little peek. Caillou was still crying like a little whiny crybaby and Sean Connery minded his own business by writing his answer and wager just like Bugs was.
"Remember, it can be any kind of drink," Trebek said, informing the contestants during the intermission, "It can be milk, it can be lemonade, it can be soda, it can be beer. As long as it's a drink. You will win."
The Final Jeopardy theme had finally come to an end, which left all three contestants (except Caillou) to set down their pens right away for the host to approach their podiums one by one.
Trebek immediately went to Bugs's podium and said, "Well, let's see what kind of mess we made with these four. Bugs Bunny, we'll start out with you. He wrote..."
Bugs Bunny's answer: Carrot juice
Trebek nodded, his expression unreadable. "Ah, carrot juice. Interesting choice, Mr. Bunny. Let's see what you wagered."
Bugs Bunny's wager: A picture of the entire state of Florida
Trebek read with a blank expression, "You wagered the whole entire state of Florida..."
"That's right, I hate Florida," Bugs said to the host, "I swear, you can never get a good rest in those sandy beaches. Guess I should've taken that right turn to Alberquerque."
"Yeah, talk about a missed opportunity, I'm sure..." Trebek muttered under his breath. He then left Bugs's podium to head on over to Hulk's podium saying, "Okay, Hulk Hogan, we're going over to you. What did you write down?"
Hulk Hogan's answer: Andre The Giant
Trebek's face fell flat out of annoyance, "Andre The Giant. That's not a drink, that's was your opponent at WrestleMania III."
"You better believe it, brother," Hulk said while continuing to pose. "Trust me, Trebek, that dude was a big man to slam, man. He weighed the same amount as my ex-wife Linda and all of the film reels coming from my shitty movies, dude."
The host continued to roll his eyes, "Fascinating story, Hulkster. Let's see what you wagered."
Hulk Hogan's wager: Owes me $500
"Apparently, your wager is that Andre The Giant owes you $500." Trebek said in a defeated sigh.
"Damn right, brother," Hulk Hogan nodded, still flexing as ever. "He owes me big time for that one bar tab I was forced to pay after our rematch, man! And whatcha gonna do when Hulkamania and the largest arms in the world run wild on you?"
All of a sudden, the Hulkster began to do his signature shirt rip alongside his familiar cupped ear pose, much to the annoyance of one Alex Trebek, who didn't find Hulk's usual showboat antics much intriguing to begin with.
"Right now, the only thing I want to do is to switch over to our next contestant," Trebek groaned as he head over to Caillou's podium, "Caillou seems to still be having another hissy fit. Let's see if he had the desire to write anything..."
Caillou's answer: No answer, as his tears has stained a good portion of both the answer screen and podium
"And apparently, he didn't because Caillou pretty much cried over his entire podium," Trebek sighed with utter annoyance, "What a waste of space you turned out to be."
Caillou, whose face was suddenly a mess full of tears and snot, looked up to Trebek and pouted, "You're no fun at all! You didn't give me chicken nuggets!"
"Well, blame your parents for making you rotten in the first place," The host snarled at the 4-year old before leaving Caillou's podium. Trebek then headed right to the last podium where Sean Connery, was busy minding his business, "Okay, we'll head on over to you, Mr. Connery. Let's see what you wrote down."
Sean Connery's answer: A stick figure of him pouring down a bottle of lemonade at a certain angle below his waist
"It seems that you drew yourself pouring down a bottle of lemonade," Trebek replied, describing the picture close up. "I take it that lemonade is your favorite drink?"
Sean smirked very mischievously under his chin, "I guess you can say that, laddie. After all, I can't be the one drinking scotch all the time. You gotta flavor it up once in a while."
"I definitely don't blame you, because despite your attitude, you actually managed to answer correctly as well," Trebek let out a brief smile. "Now, let's see what you wagered, shall we?"
Sean Connery's wager: A stick figure of Trebek's mom laying down and opening her mouth, drinking the stream of lemonade
"You somehow drew a picture of my mother drinking your favorite drink," Trebek said flatly, his eyes narrowing at the lewd depiction. "I don't understand."
"That's because I gave your mother a golden shower!" Sean smirked, letting out a cocky laugh.
Not also did he laugh, but the rest of the audience also seemed to roar with laughter, leaving Trebek's face to remain as stony as ever.
"You're a real piece of work, you know that?" The host said to Connery before facing the camera, "If anybody else needs me, I'll be ramming my head across the wall. Good night."
With that said and done, Trebek walked out of the Jeopardy set feeling very defeated, all while Bugs Bunny was chomping on his carrot, Hulk Hogan was still posing, Caillou was still on the floor crying and Sean Connery being his still perverted self.
Talk about an interesting first group of contestants, huh? I gotta admit, this was pretty much created during one of my random moods. Of course, there will be more so bring in many characters to suggest and I'll do my best to make sure they'll take part in this little shindig.
Now that's all said and done, you all know what to do. Cheers!