"Ultimate All-Star Fanfiction Celebrity Jeopardy"
Rated: T
Fandom: X-Overs, Misc. TV Shows
Genre: Humor, Parody
Summary: Four characters from different types of media take place in the greatest quiz show of all time. The problem is, one of them involves a certain Scotsman. Can our favorite mustached host survive the monstrosity?
Disclaimer: Do not own anything involving Saturday Night Live or any of its sketches. SNL is completely owned by NBC. I do however own this fic by the way.
Chapter 2: Batman, SpongeBob SquarePants, Trevor Philips and Sean Connery
Alex Trebek, who is basically bored and exhausted out of his mind from the commercial break, was immediately back into the studio with three brand new contestants and a returning contestant from the last episode. Only this time, the three brand new contestants involved a certain dark superhero that best resembled a bat, a humanoid sponge that is wearing a white shirt, red tie, brown pants and squeaky shoes, and a middle-aged maniac who had the words "Cut Me" written on his neck.
The same familiar "Jeopardy!" theme music began to fade away before Trebek let out a sigh to the camera, "And welcome back to Ultimate All-Star Fanfiction Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm hoping that at this point that this will be the final episode of the show, but it's unfortunately unlikely that will ever happen since the contestants I have here so far enjoy making an ass out of me. Anyway, it's now time for Double Jeopardy, let's take a look at our scores. In 1st place with $-6,000 is Batman."
Batman remained stoic in his chair, his cape slightly fluttering with the air conditioning. His eyes remained focused on the board.
"I know your game, Joker, so don't think you got me fooled," Batman said, pointing at Trebek. "Just remember, I'M BATMAN!"
The audience erupted into laughter, while Alex Trebek rolled his eyes in complete boredom, "Yes, we all know you're Batman. You already told us the last six times."
"I'm Batman!" The dark knight declared.
"Make that seven then," The mustachioed host rolled his eyes before moving on to the other contestant sitting beside Batman, "Anyway, in second place with a slightly less embarrassing $-20,000 is SpongeBob SquarePants."
The yellow sponge looked up from his podium, his eyes wide with excitement, "I'M READY!"
"Yes, SpongeBob, we all know you are," Trebek rolled his eyes once more. He then looked at the next contestant that was sitting right beside SpongeBob and felt a very nervous chill, "In 3rd place with perhaps a very impressive $-75,000 is Trevor Philips from Grand Theft Auto V."
The camera then showed a shot of Trevor Philips, who was busy seeing a girly magazine with a sick little grin left on his face. He didn't seem to be paying attention to the scores at all, but rather the articles titled, "How to Make Your Own Flaming Catapult" and "10 Best Ways to Crash a Boat Into a Traffic Jam." Trebek cleared his throat trying to regain everyone's attention, mostly Trevor.
"Mr. Philips, please put down your magazine." The host informed the maniac.
"No, I will not show you my wang," Trevor said, snarling at Trebek, "Quit asking me, you fuckin' pervert!"
The audience gasped, and the set was filled with a moment of stunned silence before erupting into laughter. Trebek's face remained calm, but his eyes were on fire, "I wasn't asking you to-ugh, never mind."
Despite the annoyance that Trebek had when it came to Trevor Philips, that wouldn't be compared to the man who was sitting alongside the former bank robber himself. This was no surprise to who this certain Scotsman was sitting from afar Alex Trebek himself.
He saw this fourth contestant and let out a deathly groan, "And finally, in last place with a number so ridiculously low, we're not sure if it really counts as a real number... Sean Connery."
Connery, with his usual suave demeanor, leaned back in his chair, stroking his beard, "Well, I suppose it's time to show these whippersnaps how it's done."
Trebek distressingly sighed, "Let's just make this quick."
"That's not what your mother said last night," Connery smirked, "She's the kind that likes it long and rough."
The audience burst into laughter as Alex Trebek's face turned a deep shade of red. He gritted his teeth looking to have the urge to walk up to Sean Connery and smack the living beard out of the Scotsman's face, but he knew it was pointless to argue with him.
"I'm just going to pretend I never heard that," Trebek replied with a slight huff. "And now here are the categories for Double Jeopardy."
The camera instantly scrolled right over to the category board, where one by one, the host began to read each category one at a time just by scrolling to the entire right.
"They are: 'Potent Potables', 'Current Female Vice Presidents', 'Look At Your Feet', 'Bone Searching' which is about famous fossils, 'Pick Your Nose', 'Cat or Dog', and finally, 'Eat A Pizza'. You choose this category and you automatically get a slice of pizza while I get completely drunk," Trebek sighed with pure annoyance, "Batman, you're up first."
Batman once again pointed to the host shouting, "Is this a trick question? Who put you up to this: The Riddler? I want answers!"
Alex Trebek replied with a forced smile, "Batman, please just select a category."
"So, you're gonna play that way, huh," Batman raised an eyebrow, "Okay, two can play that game, Joker!"
Trebek let out a very agitated groan, "For the last time, I'm not The Joker, I'm-you know what, forget it. Let's let Mr. SquarePants choose a category."
Sponge Bob's hand shot up in the air with glee, "Oh boy, oh boy!" He bobbed up and down in his chair. "I'd like to pick 'Look At Your Feet'!"
"Finally, someone with common sense," The host said, sighing in relief, "For how much?"
SpongeBob tapped his chin for a second before pointing, "Um, which one has a Daily Double?"
Trebek's eyes lit up for a brief moment, "Ah, a strategic move, I see. That would be in the 'Look At Your Feet' category for $1,600."
"Ah, thanks!" SpongeBob exclaimed, "In that case, I'll take-"
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Philips, what do you want?" Trebek groaned to Trevor.
"I was sorta wondering," Trevor raised his hand before asking the host, "Which category has the breasts on it?"
Trebek let out another deathly groan, "There is no category for 'breasts', Mr. Philips. Please refrain from asking inappropriate questions."
Trevor groaned himself, "What kinda bullshit game are you playing on me? I know there's a category called 'Big Honking Gazongas' up there, I just know it."
The statement Trevor laid out forced Alex Trebek to take a look at the Jeopardy category board once more, his eyes squinting as he scoured each and every category for something even remotely close to 'Big Honking Gazongas'. The audience was in hysterics, enjoying the chaos that was unfolding in front of them.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Philips," Alex Trebek spoke with a hint of exasperation, "But there isn't a category titled 'Big Honking Gazongas'."
This forced Trevor to throw up his arms up in the air upsettingly, "Well, that's just fuckin' disappointing."
"That's just like Trebek's sex life." Sean Connery smirked in unison.
The audience roared with laughter. Alex Trebek's eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched as once again, his rival Sean Connery had got him with yet another verbal cheap shot. He seriously had the urge to hit him yet again, but had to hold back and regain his composure.
"Please don't make fun of my sex life, Mr. Connery," The host sternly spoke out, "You know what, since I'm not gonna even bother having Sean Connery choose a category, I'll have to choose for him. Let's try 'Cat or Dog' for $400."
The audience's laughter died down as a picture of a cat was revealed right underneath the $400 board.
Trebek looked at the picture before reading the question, "For $400, is this a cat or a dog?"
*BZZT!*
"Mr. Batman?" The host said, asking the Caped Crusader.
"Who is Selina Kyle?" Said Batman.
The audience roared with laughter again hearing this response coming from the Dark Knight himself.
"That is incorrect," Alex Trebek said with a straight face.
"Oh, sorry about that," Batman shook his head while correcting his statement, "WHO is Selina Kyle?"
Alex Trebek sighed, "Batman, Selina Kyle is a 'who', not a 'what'. But since you're so keen on her, let's just say it's a cat and move on."
*BZZT!*
"What is it now, Mr. Philips?" Trebek said, groaning at Trevor once more.
"Do you have a can opener I can borrow?" The maniac said, raising his hand while holding out what seemed to be a bottle of Piswasser beer, "I'm trying to get this drink open."
Trebek's impatience grew suddenly thin, "Trevor, there is no drinking during the show, and certainly not in the middle of Double Jeopardy."
"Eh, fine. I'll just use my shirt then." Trevor shrugged, all before opening up his bottle of booze with his own crusty shirt.
Much to the annoyance of Alex Trebek however, the homicidal maniac began to chug the whole thing down in one sitting, not even stopping to take one breath.
Trevor finished his swig of Piswasser before toasting the host, "Want one?"
"No, thank you," Trebek replied with a forced smile, trying to keep the game moving. "Let's continue. Mr. Connery, it's your turn."
Connery let out a nod to the host before pointing out, "I'll take 'Boner Searching' for $1,200."
Trebek's face suddenly twitched when he looked at the category board and saw that there was a small sheet of paper that read "R" taped to the end of the word 'Bone', which spelled out the word Boner instead.
"It's 'Bone Searching', Mr. Connery, and it's about famous fossils." Trebek corrected his rival.
Connery returned the sentence very smugly, "Your mother made my fossil famous last night."
The audience erupted in laughter yet again, and Trebek felt his blood boil like a pot of steaming hot water. He couldn't even know if he wanted to control his anger or not. Regardless, he took a deep breath and tried to ignore the comment the best that he could.
"Let's just move on to Bone Searching for $1,200," He cleared his throat, "For $1,200, 'This fossil was-"
*BUZZ!*
"Aw, son of a bitch," Trebek groaned as he looked towards Trevor's podium, "What is it now, Mr. Philips?!"
"Who is Ron Jeremy?!" Trevor guessed out, referring to the adult film star.
The audience was now in a state of pure shock and confusion as to why he would say that, and even Trebek had to stifle a laugh, "Trevor, I'm pretty sure that's not a fossil we're looking for."
"What the hell are ya talkin' about?" Trevor shrugged, "The category's called 'Boner Searching', right?"
Alex Trebek's jaw tightened as he corrected the ex-Canadian once more, "For the last time, it's 'Bone Searching' and it's about fossils, not the part between your legs!"
*BUZZ!*
Trebek groaned in agony yet again as he turned to Batman's podium.
"What is it, Batman?" The host asked the dark knight.
"Barbara Gordon searched for my boner one time," Batman proudly declared. "We were on top of a roof once, and she took off my-"
"Batman, that's not a fossil," Alex Trebek interrupted with a sigh, "It's 'Bone Searching', referring to paleontology, not your personal conquests."
*BUZZ!*
Trebek's looked towards SpongeBob's podium and sighed, "What do you want, SpongeBob?"
All of a sudden, SpongeBob dug right into his own spongy body and pulled out what seemed to be an actual bone that was ripped out from an actual skeleton.
"Does this count?" The happy-go-lucky sponge said, showing Trebek the bone.
The host's eyes widened in shock, "Mr. SquarePants, where did you get that?"
"It was from my own body, of course," SpongeBob shrugged, "And since the category was called 'Bone Searching', I figured I'd pull out one of my bones to show you! Hahahahahaha! What do I win?"
Trebek immediately had no choice but to facepalm his own forehead out of pure frustration and agony He honestly couldn't believe that the rest of the contestants he was serving the rest of this episode, plus Mr. Connery, were just plain hopeless.
Sean Connery attempted to break the mood, "What's wrong, Alex? Are you having your period?"
Alex Trebek took a deep breath and composed himself, "You know what? Let's just screw this and go right to Final Jeopardy. The category is '1st Grade English' and the clue is 'Write any person, place or thing that can be best be described as a noun'."
Once that clue was finally given out, the Final Jeopardy intermission theme music played to full effect as the rest of contestants all began to write down their answers and wagers. Batman covered his entire answers with his arm to make sure no one was copying him, SpongeBob was busy humming the 'Goofy Goober' theme through his lips, Trevor Philips was busy scratching his ass and Sean Connery was minding his own business as usual.
"Like I said, it can be a person, place or thing," Trebek said, speaking through the intermission, "If you want to write down Ariana Grande, than do so. If you want to write down Los Angeles or a truck, than feel free to do so. As long as it's considered a noun, you will not be wrong."
The Final Jeopardy theme began to die down right away, leading Trebek to approach Batman's podium very quietly.
"All right, let's hope we won't have a disaster this time." The host replied very calmly, "Batman, you wrote down..."
Batman's answer: I'm
"Apparently, Batman seems to put down the word, 'I'm'," Trebek bluntly said, "Let me guess, did he wager the word, 'Batman'?"
Batman's wager: Batman
"I should have seen that coming," Trebek sighed, shaking his head.
"I'm Batman!" The dark knight shouted.
"Good to know, Batman." Trebek said, taking a deep breath before moving to Sponge Bob's podium. "You're up next, Mr. SquarePants. What did you put down?
SpongeBob's answer: A picture of a Krabby Patty
Trebek sent out a small smile, "Ah, you drew a picture of what seems to be a Krabby Patty, SpongeBob," he said, trying to hide his bewilderment. "Well, that's certainly... unique."
"I thank my fry cook knowledge for that, Mr. Trebek." SpongeBob said with a wink.
"You certajnly have," The host nodded, "And your wager is..."
SpongeBob's wager: 99 cents
Trebek suddenly felt bewildered, "Huh, 99 cents. So that basically means that you lost a dollar."
"Oh, no I haven't," SpongeBob shook his head at the host, "99 cents is basically how much the Krabby Patty costs, so I'm plugging that into the wager."
Alex Trebek couldn't help but laugh, "Alright, Sponge Bob, I'll give you that one," he said, moving to Trevor's podium. "Okay, Trevor Philips, you look pretty confident. What did you write down?"
Trevor's answer: Brain
Alex Trebek looked at Trevor's podium with a mix of disbelief and admiration, "Mr. Philips, you've written down the word 'brain'. I'm surprised, but also intrigued."
"I was gonna put down a couple of mommy-milkers on my podium, but I didn't want to deal those stupid asshole producers in the back," Trevor smirked, taking a swig from his beer.
Trebek laid out a simple nod, "Huh, I see. Well, let's see what your wager is, shall we?"
Trevor's wager: Nothing
"Trevor, you didn't make a wager," Trebek said, raising an eyebrow.
Trevor looked at the host and shook his head, "Oh, I actually wagered something."
"Really?" The host raised his eyebrow, "What did you wager?"
All of a sudden, Trevor put down his beer and scraped out what seemed to be a gelatinous pink substance glued to the bottom of his boot.
Trebek saw this and looked weirded out, "So... you wagered a wad of gum?"
"Oh, no, that ain't gum," Trevor shook his head before grinning, "That's a little tiny part of somebody's brain I stomped out after I banged a broad."
Trebek suddenly and shockingly felt horrified at what he had just heard, honestly doing his best not to retch. Has Trevor Philips always been this demented? He wondered to himself. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself for the final contestant.
"Okay, I'm just gonna pretend I never saw that," Trebek shook his head, all before heading over to Sean Connery's podium, "Okay, Mr. Connery, it's all up to you here. We'll see what you wrote down for an answer."
Sean Connery's answer: Sean Connery
"Oh, you wrote down your name," Trebek gasped, trying to hold back his laughter, "Very clever, Mr. Connery. And since you're a person that actually does count as a noun, you got it right."
Connery let out his usual Scottish swagger, "Chalk it up to my usual Scottish charm as always, Alex."
"I'll admit, it has definitely done you good," Trebek nodded, sharing a smile with the bearded Scot, "Now lets see what you wagered, shall we?"
Sean Connery's wager: Banged Trebek's Mom
Alex Trebek's eyes narrowed, his cheeks flushing with anger as Mr. Connery let out a cockling laugh alongside the rest of the audience who started applauding in the host's utter misery.
"Hahahaha, how do you like those nuts, Trebek?" Sean Connery's deep laugh echoed through the studio, as the audience applauded his audacity, "Cause your mother sure did last night!"
"I honestly hate you so much," Trebek growled to Sean, right before facing the camera, "That's all for Jeopardy, I'm gonna try not to kill myself in my sleep. Goodbye."
With all that was said and done, Trebek walked out of the studio in defeat all while Batman was draping himself with his cape, SpongeBob adjusting his tie, Trevor Philips still itching himself and Sean Connery taking a victory lap around the podium.
Hopefully, the next contestants Trebek would handle after this would be less painful than this, right?
Right?!
Well, we definitely know what that answer's gonna be. But you know, there's a chance I may be right, of course.
Now that I'm done explaining things for the time being. You all know what to do from here, everyone! Cheers!