Summary: Subaru experiences feelings of incompetence after losing his memories. Hmmm… sounds familiar.

"Ah, fuck, my head!"

Predictably, that was the first thought Subaru had upon waking up.

"Alright, you're alive and breathing, Natsuki Subaru, a simple headache never stopped you before, you've been through waaay worse, open your eyes already, you dimwit."

That was the second thought on the mind of Emilia's knight.

"I don't remember this se-... Actually, that phrase had already worn out its welcome, where the fuck am I?"

Noticing that his hand was being held by someone to the right of him, he turned his head in that direction.

"Okay, there's Beako and Emilia-tan… Wait, why the fuck is Emilia sleeping with me?"

Then he noticed that someone was also hugging him from the left.

"Woah, what is she doing here? And why is everyone else sleeping soundly? I mean, it's literally Satella, guys!?"

Then he noticed someone at the back.

"Who are you..? Wait, I think I remember the name – Sha-u-la? Rem!"

The scorpio and the maid in question were also in deep sleep at the back.

"So, how did I get into this situation, and more importantly, how the fuck am I supposed to get out?"

Now he noticed that he was nearly squished by all five, making it nearly impossible to get up. Gradually, some of the events of the past day began to come back to him, but his memories were too incoherent and disconnected.

"There should be some way to get out without waking them… Hmm… Come on, Subaru, think. What would Kenshi's son do..?"

As he thought about it, he noticed a faint glow around his skin and then… his perspective suddenly changed.

"What? I am small now? Huh? Is this some Alice in Wonderland shit?"

At least it helped him to get out. Very carefully, he tippy-toed out of the room that he had woken up in.

"What is this place? It looks so big…"

"My-my, Natsuki-kun, ya keep outdoin' yoself."

"Anastasia… Wait, what's up with my voice?"

"I'm not sure if ya've noticed, but ya're a cute little baby boy right now, Natsuki-kun. Very smushable. Be glad it's just me and not one of yo girlfriends. At least I have some self-control. Though I have to admit that yo bubbly face makes it very difficult."

"Oh, give me a moment."

Ignoring this… compliment, he tried to ponder how the hell this had happened and how to turn back. Thankfully, it didn't take long to figure out how to turn back, he just had to concentrate on the image of his original self. As for the reason for his new ability, he found zero clues in his fragmented memories.

"There. Now we can talk."

"I am here too, by the way."

Merchant's scarf separated from its owner, revealing the fox spirit.

"Oh, you, I think I vaguely remember you too... Wait, there was something about you… I don't remember."

"I had to take over for my partner yesterday. Since you solved that problem, it's no longer necessary."

"Ya don't remember much about yesterday, huh, Natsuki-kun? Makes sense. Here, da last one. It will make you feel better."

She passed a strange looking bottle to Subaru.

"What is it for?"

"Inebriation. But it could also be used for a hangover. I've saved da last dose specifically for ya, Natsuki-kun."

"Oh, thanks."

He finished the small vial with the remedy rather quickly. The merchant was right, it made him feel better.

"Ya woke up quite early. I'd wager it's been about five hours since we decided to stop yo shenanigans."

"Shenanigans? Ahm, alcohol, right... I remember I had some whiskey at our party."

"Not just some. Well, that's more than nothin'. A lot of stuff has happened since then. Ya being the main cause of pretty much all of them."

"Fuck… I see… Where are we?"

"Yo home. Ya know, ya should think about refurnishin' da place. After we walked around, we found there isn't even a single bed in here. And ya wanted to implement some kind of device… e-le-va-tor, I think ya called it."

"My… home?"

"Yes, Natsuki-kun, yo home. Da paperwork will take Mr. Mathers and Mr. Suwen some time, but I doubt anyone would disrupt yo claim to da tower and surroundin' dunes."

"The tower? Where exactly are we?"

"Augria Sand Dunes, Pleiades Watchtower. It's far east of Lugunica. We thought it is supposedly da refuge of da Sage Shaula. Turns out it's yos."

"How did we get all the way here?"

"On da back of yo friend, Volcanica."

"That's the name of…"

"Da Divine Dragon, yes. Imagine our surprise, Natsuki-kun. But yo relationship with da Wi- I mean Satella was probably a main highlight of that day."

"So they are okay with her now? How?"

For once, Subaru did not know how this 'Natsuki Subaru' had managed to do that.

"Arguably, yo victory over da Sword Saint was also quite spectacular, as well as yo subjugation of Gluttonies and Lust, but past-ya bangin' da most dangerous person in existence is probably higher on yo list of achievements."

"I've beaten Reinhard? And slayed Capella and the Trio?"

"Never mind the Satella. Although banging..? I mean, that kinda makes sense."

"First of all, not Reinhard, but Reid, and not in a physical confrontation – ya outdrank him and placed him on da shandoleer. Although yo casual takin' of da Dragon Sword from da young Astrea, probably counts as a moral victory against him."

"What? I stole Rein's sword?"

"It's in a dining room. Along with the Vollachian Yang Sword and… Reality Slasher."

Foxchidna was honestly a bit afraid of those swords now.

"Second, Lye Batenkaitos and Roy Alphard were killed by Volcanica, while ya pacified Louis Arneb. She's in yo "crew" now, for whatever reason. At that point in yo journey people just accepted whatever ya do, even adoptin' an Archbishop or bringin' one back from da dead. I'm not certain what ya have done with Capella, but ya have Lust, and she's gone. I think ya did somethin' with ya Authorities, though I do not understand what."

"And overpowered the Witch Cult? In one night? How?"

"Oh, right, a lot of people now know that ya are da Sage and of yo relationship with the Witches of Sin. By da way, ya also resurrected them."

Needless to say, it was hard to believe. Never mind the Sage bit, everything else was more surprising. But the fact that was Anastasia's words made him sure that it was true. There seemed to be zero point in lying about something like that. She had not even tried to claim any part in those achievements. The fact that Satella was with him and that did not cause a mass panic also sorta proved her words.

"So what do we do now?"

"Now? Ya planned to return to Priestella and then make an ultimatum to da Council of Elders."

"What?"

"It was a part of your plan to "Unfuck da World". Ya should still have yo note in one of yo pockets. Ya made it while we were searchin' for da books for ya."

After looking through his pockets, he finally found it. It was written on a crumpled piece of paper in a barely distinguishable kanji, but he could still make it out:

"Unfuck the World!

I am tired of this bullshit universe, so here's how I am going to fix it (writing this just in case I forget):

Step 1: Visit an old place – Done! Got some cool new clothes and Reality Slasher out of it. And like two crazy op Authorities on top of that (three, if you count Envy 2.0)!

Step 2: Teach these savages some modern technology – In progress. Not sure how to handle it yet. Already working on it with Candidates. Might have to start a popular movement or even a fucking revolution if the nobles gonna get antsy. The Council are dicks, as are the most of the upper nobility. Fuck them. I say we murder them if they get in the way.

Step 3: Kill the Witch Cult – Nearly done. Others are already taken care of. Where the hell is Pride? Also, need to get to Pandora and beat the shit out of her for messing with Emilia-tan, maybe she has some clues about Pride… Also, find what I left behind the Seal 2 and fix the Emilia's village problem.

Step 4: Export the revolution – In the near future. Other countries suck ass too, so I have to bulldoze my way through them as well. Vollachia is first, since there's a guy there, with two fancy swords that I want. Then Kararagi (fucking slavers operate there, disgusting!). Then Gusteko (too cold).

Step 5: Fix Tella-tan's conundrum – At some point. Honestly I don't know what to do here. Everyone else has just kinda accepted that she's with me now and that I'll handle it, but how? Maybe I can pull all the Envy out of her? It might be kinda dangerous. I feel very odd when I use "Jealous Desire". Maybe there is some other way?

Step 6: Fix the bloody tower – Eventually. Why the fuck past-me forgot to make the elevator?! Flugel, you are a fucking dick! Never mind all your other bullshit, this is fucking ridiculous! You made like two force-fields, populated the place with a half of the world's witchbeasts, added a med-room, a library and more secret rooms than necessary, but no elevator? What the fuck!? Alright, I'm done. I'm calm, I'm not mad. Seriously, fuck you, past-me, you're the worst! Redesign this shit with some proper amenities – water supply, toilet, kitchen, garden, air conditioning, garbage shoot – all the jazz. Oh, and an observatory. Pretty sure I can make like a simple telescope or something.

And that's it! Do that and this bullshit world, that wants to kill me at every corner, will be fixed. Hopefully."

"Alright. This is… insane."

"No shit, Natsuki-kun... Sorry, that was mean, it was kinda my fault."

"No, it is mine, Anastasia, I've organized the party and spent time convincing others to goad him to drink. I've learned my lesson."

"To be fair, I was goin' to do somethin' similar. So, no biggie, 'chidna. I'll take da responsibility."

"What's done is done, Shortstack, more importantly we have to continue on. Ya don't just start a fight, get a hit in and run away."

Two hours later others woke up and joined the Sage. Subaru had to be given a quick summary of the events, of course. Right now they were right outside the main gate, ready to depart.

"Correct. Even if the circumstances of this are not ideal, you've already started a movement."

"You looked hesitant before, Dona…"

"I've reconsidered, wench. This may be even more interesting than what we had in store. Hence, this is satisfactory."

"Echidna-san and Satella-san being on the same note? Damn, Master has really outdone himself."

"Ehem, but what are we going to do about Satella-sama's presence, however?"

"I dunno, Julius. I guess if Tella is with us, she might cause the mass panic."

"I have a way, love. It's no problem."

"There's also the Witch Factor of Wrath, Master. I've heard that you captured Sirius Romanee-Conti."

"By the way, what's up with that, Geuse? Subaru told me, she seemed reeealy weird."

"It's… an old story, Emilia."

"You were able to take the Witch Factors without killing the previous owners somehow. Maybe you can do that, Subaru-kun."

Suddenly, the time stopped:

"It's Envy. You took the part of her- us."

After Satella clarified this, the time resumed.

"I see. Then I'll have to use it again."

"Sigh, we can now finally depart this accursed place. Betty will be atop her contractor, I suppose."

"Mhm, me as well, I will be with Beako."

"Beatrice! Not Beako, I suppose!"

"Come on, can I call you that too?"

"You're not Betty's contractor. You can call Bubby however you want, but do not disrespect Betty, in fact!"

Emilia looked sad at the spirit's cold rejection.

"Rem wants to ride Subaru-kun too."

"Me as well."

"Same. I want to ride Master too."

"Wording… girls… wording…"

"I'm pretty sure that was on purpose, Natsuki-kun."

The giggling of all three was a confirmation of the merchant's words. Only Emilia looked confused.

"Truth be told, I was kinda tempted after hearin' about da six hours."

"Anastasia-sama?"

"What, Julius? Girl can dream. Unless ya say ya can do eight?"

"Ehm…"

"Oh no, Purplehead is gonna experience a death by snu-snu! Lucky guy."

"Okay, where did you learn that reference?"

"I learned it from you, Master!"

He sighed. Past-him was a terrible parent as it turns out.

"W-we will fly on Volcanica."

"But I wanted to be with Baru!"

"Yes, I wanted to travel on Subarun as weeell."

"Calm down, you two, haaa… We won't separate anyway, haaa…"

"I found it rather odd that you want to ride on Volcanica, Sekhmet. I would've held a grudge."

"I mean you're not mad at Tella Tella though, are you, Ner Ner?"

"No, but this is different!"

"'Tis is rather curious indeed, Minerva. Given we… had our differences before… The apology is mine. Our scuffle was uncalled-for."

"It's fine, Volcanica, haaa… I am not bothered, haaa… If anything, being dead was rather peaceful, haaa…"

"I will join you as well."

"Crybaby isn't cling to Master? The world has really flipped on its head!"

"I'm not clingy, nor do I cry that much, Shaula!"

"Suuure…"

The spirit did not sound very convincing.

"Same with us three."

The merchant princess who said that pointed at her knight and her spirit.

"Otherwise, I won't get that innuendo out of my head."

The last sentence was barely audible.

"Dona, will you join us?"

"But of course."

"Alright, I'd be with Volc, Flugel. Fly safe."

"Okay, we managed to split up without any problems. Wait, what about you?"

"Uau!"

The former Gluttony rushed towards him. Even with her limited vocabulary, the answer was rather obvious.

"Don't forget da drinks, Natsuki-kun."

"Is that really necessary?"

"YES!"

A resounding yes was the answer of the majority of Sage's companions. Subaru was rather surprised just how much they all agreed.

"But I won't drink…"

"Nah, we need da drunk ya back, Natsuki-kun. How else are we gonna convince da Council of Elders?"

"It seems that for Betty's Subaru, a glass of whiskey is a powerful buff, I suppose. It increases your effectiveness tenfold."

"Sigh, fine. But I will not drink that much. Just a bit to loosen my tongue. Then you, Anastasia, will get me one of those remedies you have."

Of course, no one else believed that it would be just one glass. Nor did the merchant tell him that Subaru's shenanigans had cost her the entire supply of sobriety potions that she had brought to Priestella, and that she couldn't provide them even if she wanted to.

Before long, Emilia's knight transformed into his already familiar draconic form.

"Damn, that's really cool. I always wanted to be a dragon, when I was a kid."

"Yeah, Subaru, we know."

Emilia remembered how exited he looked the previous time. In truth, she thought that it was somewhat cute. He had seemed genuinely happy back then.

"Subaru's tastes are truly something else, I suppose."

"Subaru-kun is rather weird. But in a good way."

"I'm not weird. I am about as normal as one can be back home! I swear!"

With that, he took off. As the Pleiades Watchtower left the sight of the Subaru's associates, this chapter of the Sage's adventure came to a close.

On some isolated farm a little while later:

"Mommy! Daddy!"

"What is it, dear?"

"I was back at the coup, setting the chicks free, when I saw something so coool!"

"What did you see, honey?"

"It was a huuuge flying dragon! This big!"

The little girl dramatically spread her tiny hands.

"That doesn't look that big."

"Stupid Daddy! Stupid! It was high in the sky!"

"Oh, then it must be very big, honey."

"Very, very big!"

"Sorry, dear, I read her a fairy tale about the Divine Dragon last night before she went to sleep."

"It was real, Daddy!"

"Of course it was. What did it look like?"

"Very big and blue, with huge wings and a looong tail!"

"Blue? Huh… Robert do you think..?"

"Nah, no way, Elaila."

"There was also another one, just as huge! But black! They flew together."

"Two? Alright, maybe you are right, Robert. Lily, don't forget to wash your hands, breakfast is ready."

"Sure, Mommy!"

The daughter of this simple couple quickly rushed out of the house.

"So, dear, when is your mother Vanessa coming back from the big city? These appas have been a pain in the ass to collect."