Alec threw down his pen in frustration, rubbing at his eyes as they burned from overuse and exhaustion. While everyone else was celebrating Clary's ceremony and the mortal instruments being safe and sound, he needed to get the institute back into working order. One new official shadowhunter didn't make up for all the ones they'd lost, and it wasn't like he could go out and interview people for the positions. There were only so many of them out there, so he had to talk to institutes from different cities to see if they had anyone they could spare. And then he had to figure out if they were actually coming to work or get involved with all the drama that was plaguing the city. New York had developed quite the notoriety these days.
He just wanted a bit of quiet, but he knew he wouldn't get it anytime soon. Alec was cranky and tired and there was a persistent buzzing inside his skull that never quite left him. It was probably due to all the runes he was relying on, but he didn't have a choice. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep, he was bombarded with nightmares. The worst part was they were all based around things that had actually happened.
Alec dreamt of Izzy succumbing to her yin fen addiction, getting sucked dry by countless vampires as he watched from the sidelines, completely powerless. The pain of losing Jace over and over again and portalling to Lake Lyn to find Clary crying over Jace's lifeless body. The look on Clary's face when she found her mother, dead by Alec's hands alone. And worst of all, Magnus.
Magnus being tortured in Valentine's body, even as he begged. Inquisitor Herondale killing Valentine as Alec watched, only to have him switch back into the man he loved right before he died. And the one that made Alec swear off of sleeping altogether; Alec being the one to kill Magnus.
Eating hadn't been going well for him either, with every bite he took tasting like blood and ash and landing like a rock in his stomach. But he had runes for that too. Alec just had to push through getting everything in order for the institute, then he could stop. And keeping busy helped keep his mind off of how much he'd screwed up his life.
He still knew that staying away from Magnus was the right thing, but sometimes he forgot. Those were the worst times. Alec would see something around and his first instinct would be to call Magnus and share it with him. But that wasn't an option anymore and remembering that was like a knife to his heart every time. He had never been the type of person to need other people to fulfill him. Jace and Izzy coming to him when they wanted had always been good enough for him. But after letting himself open up to Magnus, he realized how lonely he'd been. And now he knew how lonely he'd stay.
"Don't you think it's time for a break, big brother?" Isabelle asked, causing Alec to flinch in surprise. She was standing in front of his desk, but he hadn't even heard her come in.
"I'm too busy for a break," Alec huffed out, picking up his previously abandoned pen and scribbling on a sheet of paper.
"So why were you just staring into space for the past five minutes without even noticing I was here?" she challenged.
"I was thinking. Running the institute isn't as easy as it looks," Alec said, waving his hand over the chaotic desk.
"Right. I'll never understand what it's like to be in charge," Izzy scoffed, and Alec immediately felt bad. He thought she'd be amazing at the job, but he needed it right now. He had nothing else.
"I didn't mean it like that," Alec sighed, running a hand down his face. "I'm just swamped right now, but that doesn't mean I should take my poor mood out on you. I'm sorry." Even though they weren't as close as they used to be, he couldn't afford to ruin what they had left. If he lost these last few crumbs, there would be nothing holding him here.
"Is there anything I can do to help? The city is suspiciously quiet, so no need for patrols for now," she offered. He really didn't deserve her.
"You think you can call up all the other institutes and convince them to give us their best shadowhunters?"
"That will probably be a hard sell," Izzy chuckled.
"But everyone likes you. You're more likely to get a yes," Alec pointed out.
"But they respect you."
"Not anymore," Alec mumbled. He saw how people looked at him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. From his parents sordid past being outed, to his failed wedding and the sexual orientation revelation that came with it, he definitely did not have the same standing in everyone's eyes. And all the other chaos that occurred on his watch was just icing on the cake.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Isabelle asked.
"You know, maybe you were right about that break. I haven't had a chance to train in a while and that might be just what I need," Alec declared, standing up from his desk. He kept a hold onto the edge with one hand under the pretense of straightening a few papers, but really he was trying to hide his waver. The lightheadedness when he stood was becoming a common occurrence, but it wasn't a big deal. Once he was up, he was fine. He just had to make sure no one else noticed.
"That's not really what I meant," she sighed, watching him make his way toward the door.
"I just need a little something to get the blood flowing," Alec replied, although Izzy had no idea how true that statement actually was.
The training rooms were where Alec felt most at home, besides up on the roof. He knew what he was doing here. Sure, he may not be the best at close quarter combat, but that didn't matter right now. Now his only competition was himself.
Alec used the bit of pull he had left to clear the room, sending whoever was training to the bigger room to work on weapon skills. The heavy bag was all his right now. He'd stopped by his room to change into his workout gear and grab his special gloves. Alec had these gloves since he was a teen and didn't use them often, but he knew he needed them today.
One day Alec had gotten so frustrated after his parents picked apart everything he'd done, that he had started wailing on the heavy bag without protection. Jace had found him and freaked out, near tears with worry when he got a look at Alec's destroyed knuckles. Jace thought it was horrifying, but Alec felt like he could breathe easier than he had in a long time. But he couldn't let Jace worry about him, so he promised to always wear gloves from then on, which led to the procurement of these.
Normal training gloves had padding, to cushion each blow as you rained them down. These gloves were all for show. If anyone looked over at him, they'd see the familiar black. What they didn't know was that these gloves were as thin as Alec could get them without tearing under the onslaught. He felt every hit, every skin split, every break. And there was nothing else better.
Alec pummeled the bag, picturing that it was himself that he was hitting. The Alec that didn't tell Magnus about the soul sword. The one who was never able to get anything done now without asking Magnus for help. The one who couldn't stop Valentine from taking Jace that first time, all those weeks ago. The one who couldn't stop the demon from entering his sister, which led to her getting the wound that started her struggle.
Maybe he could beat the weakness out of himself, or maybe that's all he was. If you took away all the flaws, would there be anything left? But maybe that would be a good thing. Maybe everyone would be better off if he disappeared?
With an anguished yell he punched the bag with everything he had, feeling a satisfying crack. The relief didn't last for long before the pain caught up, shooting up and down his left arm. Alec hugged the bag to his body, trying to catch his breath. He wasn't supposed to go that far. A few cuts and some bruising, sure, but this would make it harder for him to work. And if he couldn't work, what good was he?
Alec rushed out of the training room and back to his bedroom. He had to take care of this before he couldn't anymore. He banged into his bathroom and peeled off his gloves, tossing them aside for now. The feel of his torn skin sticking to the leather made him hiss, but the real problem made that pale in comparison. One of the knuckles on his left hand was obviously broken, already swelling beyond belief.
The easy answer would be to draw an iratze to heal this up, but he couldn't do that. If it could be focused on just the one thing, maybe, but he couldn't heal everything. He'd earned all of these wounds. He deserved them. And he couldn't just get rid of them.
Alec poked at the area around the injury, trying to figure out exactly what he was dealing with. Or course he didn't know medicine like Izzy did. Just another area he was lacking in. And Magnus would be able to make this all go away with a wave of his hand. But he didn't get to rely on that anymore. He was on his own.
Without giving himself anymore time to think, Alec grabbed his finger and snapped the knuckle back into place. He tipped his head back and panted, trying to keep his noise down to a minimum. If anyone walked in on him right now, it would be catastrophic. Alec tapped his foot against the floor, riding out the pain. It was okay now. Everything would be fine.
He squeezed his hand closed, nodding in approval as all of his fingers moved as they should. Finally he'd done something right. Alec cleaned his hands, feeling a lightness wash over him as something actually went his way. He had a problem and he solved it, all on his own. Maybe this was the beginning of things becoming a bit easier for him.
Alec changed back into his more professional clothing, choosing a shirt with longer sleeves, just to keep his hand a bit covered. He'd needed a win to get him through the rest of these tasks, and he'd gotten one. Now he could focus on running the institute, which was the most important thing.