Alec angrily sprayed his shirt, scrambling to iron his wrinkled clothes at the last minute. How could he have forgotten about this meeting that had been on the books for days? He'd scheduled the damn thing, but that was when things had been so hectic and he'd honestly thought it would be canceled. There was no getting out of it now, not if he wanted any hope for relations with the Downworlders to improve. But he wasn't prepared to see Magnus again so soon.
"Dammit!" Alec hissed as he burned the side of his hand in his haste to finish. How many days had it been since he slept? Alec honestly didn't know what day it even was now. He was relying on runes to get him through every second of the day now and he knew a crash was inevitable, but he couldn't let it happen yet.
One of his sleepless nights he'd flipped through some of the old books in his office, finding one filled with obscure runes. He didn't find anything that said it was against the rules to use them, they just seemed to have fallen out of favor. There was one that gave him a healthier color, since somehow he'd gotten a bit pale. One that helped his shaking hands, although that one obviously needed to be redrawn. Even one that helped with his posture, because all his body wanted to do at the moment was shrivel up and die. Instead of lasting hours or days like they should, they seemed to be only lasting for a few minutes at most, but that could just be his mind playing tricks on him. Either way, after this meeting, he might have to consider trying to get some real sleep.
Alec had done all he could at this point for the institute, lining up transfers that would start arriving in the coming weeks. The shadowhunters they still had were on new training and patrol schedules, getting back into a nice rhythm in a city that seemed to finally be giving them a reprieve. There would no doubt be new threats coming, but for now it was all calm. Alec's methods to get all this done might not have been the healthiest way to go about things, but the end result was what mattered. The Clave cared about the job, not the one exhausted shadowhunter.
He slipped into his bathroom, needing that extra layer of privacy before he redrew his runes. It wasn't uncommon for someone to walk in without knocking and they didn't need to see that his torso was almost completely covered in a way that it hadn't been before. His hands shook as he burned the marks into his skin, but he didn't feel the rush of new power that usually went along with the application. He was really pushing things too far, but that couldn't be helped right now. Keeping up appearances for the Downworld leaders was the most important thing. He carefully dressed, making sure his clothes looked perfect, even though the man wearing them was the furthest thing from it.
"I thought I'd find you here," Magnus said casually, startling Alec as soon as he stepped out of his bathroom. The love of his life was standing just inside his bedroom door, staring at him with an unreadable look in his eyes. He used to know all of Magnus' looks. When had that changed?
"Magnus, how are you?" Alec asked, suppressing his sigh of relief when his voice came out steady.
"I've been better," Magnus replied, pushing off from the door and walking around the room. This reminded Alec so much of the talk they had before his almost wedding that his body automatically started reacting like it had back then. "I've been keeping busy, smoothing things over with my fellow warlocks."
"That's good. I know how important they are to you," Alec said, watching Magnus flinch from that little dig. He honestly hadn't meant it that way, but maybe this was a good thing. Hurting Magnus was the last thing he wanted to do and the thought of it made him sick, but maybe he needed to, to make this break stick. If Magnus was still out there available to him, Alec would never be able to get over him and move on.
"And how has your work been going? I assume you've been busy as well?" Magnus asked.
"I have, but it's been good. In fact, things haven't been going this smoothly in months," Alec noted, trying to sound matter-of-fact, even though the words were a lie and he was miserable.
"Months? As in…" Magnus trailed off, making a little gesture with his finger between the two of them. "I understand." Alec wanted to yell out that it wasn't true, that the last few months with Magnus were the best of his life, even with the drama, but he couldn't. Even if Magnus couldn't see it now, this was the best thing for both of them.
"Well, you should probably head over to the meeting room. I have a few more things I need to do," Alec said, purposefully turning his back on Magnus and retreating back into his bathroom. He needed another rune immediately, because he felt like he was going to throw up. Just an extra one for tranquility should do the trick. Now he'd be able to get through the meeting.
Alec rushed back into his room, slamming the door behind him without care. The meeting had gone well, as well as he could've asked for even. All of the leaders agreed to put the past behind them and start fresh, working toward a more harmonious future. Even the representative for the Seelies wanted peace.
Magnus was his same amazing self, as always, connecting with each person in a way only he could. He wasn't showing any of the turmoil that was churning around in Alec's gut, so maybe all the work was paying off. Magnus had finally moved on.
Alec got through the meeting, just barely, but he did it. He had to keep his hands hidden under the table, since they wouldn't stop shaking, but that wasn't anything to worry about now. As long as everyone else saw what he wanted them to see, it didn't matter.
They broke from the meeting with a new plan for cooperation and communication that everyone seemed happy with. It might take a little convincing to get everyone else on board, but the first step was over. Alec stood by the door with his hands behind his back, going for a polite head nod instead of a handshake, which thankfully wasn't questioned. He'd almost been home free, but Magnus was the last to leave.
He was hovering around the table and Alec was torn between asking him to leave and begging him to stay. Instead, he said nothing. What was even left to say? He didn't think he had any more lies left in him, but the truth would only cause trouble.
"This certainly went well," Magnus murmured, finally gliding over to the exit.
"It did," Alec confirmed. He really needed Magnus to go.
"I look forward to our future working relationship," Magnus said, holding his hand out for Alec to shake. Alec stared down at it like it was a weapon. Well, it was, but the only danger it posed right now was to his carefully constructed lie. If Magnus touched his shaking hand right now, it would only give him away. He couldn't let that happen.
"Yes," Alec replied, digging his nails into his palms behind his back. The pain pushed some of the fogginess away, helping fortify his choice.
"I see," Magnus sighed, finally drawing his hand back. "Have a nice day, Alec."
Alec hadn't realized how much hearing Magnus call him Alexander meant to him, until he called him Alec. It was almost like a purr, like Magnus wanted to draw the name out as long as possible. But hearing him say Alec like that, so clipped and sharp, he'd never hated his name more than he did now.
Alec stormed into the bathroom, needing another rune. He needed something so he didn't have to feel anything. It felt like someone had carved an agony rune into his heart and each beat sent a slice of pain through him. But then the thought of the agony rune just reminded him of what happened to Magnus and it made him feel worse. Alec deserved that pain, not Magnus.
He pulled out his stele, panting as the pull to crash was overwhelming him. It fell into the sink from his twitching fingers, clattering obscenely loud in the small space. Alec looked down to pick it up, surprised to find his vision blurry. Did he have a rune for that? He glanced back up into the mirror, staring at himself in disbelief.
"Are you crying?" Alec scoffed, recoiling from his reflection in disgust. "Stop it." But he couldn't. The Alec in the mirror wouldn't listen. He wasn't a blubbering mess, because that was unacceptable, no matter what, but each silent tear that rolled down his cheek was like evidence of his weakness slapping him in the face.
What made him think that this was okay? That he deserved to feel sorry for himself. He made all the choices that led him to this moment, so what gave him the right to cry about it?
"You did this to yourself," Alec ground out, sucking in angry breaths. "You did this to yourself!" Alec smashed his fist through the mirror, splintering his reflection so it matched how he felt inside. He was broken and unfixable, and everyone knew it. What was the point of trying to cover it with runes or making up for it with work? Nothing would change and he was only prolonging the inevitable. The truth was clear, but Alec just needed to admit it to himself.
Everyone would be better off without him.