Alec felt like he had a hangover. Or what he assumed a hangover would feel like. The only experience comparable to this was how he felt after reaching out to Jace through their bond and almost dying from it. He'd been saved at the last second back then, and he'd been saved at the last second last night. And while before he'd been appreciative of his second chance, now it was discouraging.
He was a planner by nature and while some of the decisions he'd made were a little hasty, Alec thought there was no chance of failure. People typically went out with the goal of survival and it was tragic when they didn't succeed. But everything was flipped around for him. Still being alive felt devastating.
Alec groaned as he sat up in this strange bed that wasn't his own. He didn't remember making a conscious decision to fall asleep, but he was lucky enough to not have dreamt while he did. Now his mind would be a bit clearer and he could figure out how to fix all this before he got too bad off again. That was the problem before. He'd waited until he hit rock bottom to try to do something about it. Instead of hoping for change while he was on that constant downward trajectory, he should've pulled the plug before it was too late. He knew better now.
"Morning! I wasn't sure when you'd be up," Simon said brightly, walking up to him from around a corner of stacked up clutter.
"What?" Alec mumbled, rubbing his eyes to try to force his mind back into the present, instead of his darker thoughts. Those had to wait for when he didn't have an audience. And he never did his best thinking right after he woke up. Magnus always used to tease him in the mornings before he got out of bed. Alec would never get to experience that again.
"I hope the bed was comfortable enough. It's probably nowhere near as nice as what you have back at the institute, but beggars can't be choosers. I should probably try finding somewhere else to live, but the lack of money and job kind of limit my options. Being a daylighter makes things a bit easier, but people might wonder why I never join them for lunch-"
"Simon!" Alec exclaimed, keeping his voice just below a shout. "It was fine. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Simon sheepishly replied. "Uh, I thought you might be hungry, so I went next door to grab you something. They don't really do breakfast items, but it's only a few hours until lunch time, so I figured that was close enough. I've got noodles, various meats, some egg rolls. All for you."
"I-" Alec murmured, shaking his head in confusion. Why was Simon doing all this? Was he trying to build up some sort of favor to be called in in the future? That debt would need to be settled with someone else if that was the case.
"I never got the chance to try the wonton soup, but it smells amazing," Simon said, taking the lid off of a cup and holding it out toward him. Alec's stomach flipped at the smell of it. He hadn't eaten real food in so long, relying on the runes to sustain him. Just the idea of eating all this made his stomach turn. "Whoa, you totally turned green for a second. Are you okay?"
"I haven't- I'm not really hungry right now," Alec brushed off. His stomach chose that moment to growl. Even though his body was rebelling at the thought of food, it also recognized the need for it.
"Here, let me try something," Simon declared, setting all the stuff down on a side table and pulling out a pair of chopsticks. He knelt down in front of the soup and started pulling all the bits of food out and putting them in a different container. "I remember when my mom decided to teach Clary and I how to use chopsticks. My sister wouldn't stop teasing us about using forks for our Chinese food, so my mom had Clary over for dinner for like a week straight. She had us eat dinner with these every night, even if the meal didn't typically call for them. I was picking chocolate chips out of my ice cream sundae by the end of the week."
"What are you-"
"Ta-da!" Simon declared, holding the container of liquid out in front of him again. "You know when you're a kid and not feeling well and your mom makes you some soup? Same idea, just not Campbell's." Alec took the cup from him, feeling oddly emotional. Why did Simon think he deserved this effort?
"Thank you," Alec whispered.
"No problem," Simon shrugged. "I can save the rest for later, or just chuck it. I'm sure some birds-"
"Why are you being so nice to me?" Alec blurted out, unable to hold back the question any longer. If there was some ulterior motive, it would do everyone better to have it out in the open.
"Well, why wouldn't I be?" Simon asked. Alec shook his head in exasperation at the non answer. "You needed help and I was there. Of course I would do anything I could to help you. You'd do the same for me too, right?"
"I don't know," Alec admitted. "I'm not good at these sorts of things."
"Oh, well it's not always about how good someone is at something, it's the fact that they cared enough to try."
"But why do you care? It doesn't make any sense," Alec insisted. "There is no reason for you to care about me."
"What are you talking about? Of course there is!" Simon argued. "Do you know how many people would be hurt if you weren't around?"
"They would be fine," Alec scoffed, shaking his head in amusement. "I am so easily replaced. The institute wouldn't be affected at all."
"You think I'm talking about the stupid institute?" Simon spat, showing a little flash of anger that Alec wasn't used to seeing come from the young vampire. "No offense, but after everything, I couldn't give two hoots about that place."
"Then what-"
"I'm talking about your family! Your friends! Even if you can't see it right now, there are so many people who care about you."
"They'll get over it," Alec sighed. He didn't even want to think about how easy it would probably be for them.
"Hey, I'm going to try something real quick. Promise not to murder me?" Simon asked, taking the cup of broth away from him and setting it on the table.
"Wha-"
"People care about you!" Simon shouted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. Alec wrapped his fingers around his wrists, but didn't shove him off. "What do I have to do to make you understand that?"
"Stop it."
"No, I'm not going to stop it! I can't let you do this to yourself!"
"But why? We aren't even friends. Why does it matter to you?"
"The fact that we aren't friends just proves my point! I could've ignored you last night or just dropped you off at the institute and washed my hands of the whole thing, but I didn't. I'm doing everything I can to help you, not because I have to, but because I want to. Because you deserve it!" Simon yelled, giving him another shake.
"I don't."
"You do! And not just because your loss would devastate so many people. It's not about anyone else but you right now. You deserve happiness, you deserve love, and you deserve to live, just based on the fact that you are a good person. Even if you can't see it, everyone else can. And I will stand here shaking you until whatever it is that's inside you that is blocking that fact from sinking in gets out of the way!" Simon declared, panting at the end of his spiel.
Alec blinked in surprise, not used to people fighting so hard for him. Jace and Izzy might, because they might need him for something, but that wasn't the case for Simon. If they never saw each other again, their lives wouldn't be affected at all. But yet he was standing here, making an effort. It didn't make sense, but somehow Alec knew that no matter what he said, it wouldn't change Simon's mind.
There were limits to how far people would go for others, no matter what they said. He'd found out the hard way with Magnus. And it wasn't like it was his fault, since Alec had done plenty to deserve being cast aside. There was still some part of him that wished that Magnus would've overlooked all his flaws and stuck by him, even if that was unrealistic. But that relationship did color his view on all others.
What would it take for him to consider himself worthy of another chance at life? Surely it couldn't be just the word of Simon Lewis. It was hard to change the mindset that had been pressed into you from birth, especially after the intense spiral down that he'd been on in recent days. That wasn't just something you brushed off and forgot about. He'd tried that after Jocelyn, but obviously it was only a temporary fix. The second one thing got hard again, everything else bubbled up and overwhelmed him.
But should he at least try? Even if he failed, which he probably would, he was used to the pain. And he always had last night's plan to fall back on if things got too hard. But could he just spit in the face of Simon, after all this effort he was putting in? Was the fact that Alec was even bothering to care about something like that proof that not all hope was lost?
"Okay," Alec whispered.
"Okay?" Simon asked, leaning back to stare at him in a mixture of confusion and hope.
"I'll try," Alec mumbled.
"Okay! Okay," Simon laughed, letting go of the death grip he had on Alec's shoulders. "Um, I've got to do one other thing, okay? And I think I need it just as much as you do." Alec was about to ask Simon what he was talking about when the other man wrapped him up in a hug. He was too startled to do anything at first and his arms were kind of pinned to his sides, but after a few seconds he rested his head against Simon's shoulder and accepted the gesture.
Sometimes during their youth, Izzy had just needed to be held. He'd never asked for it himself, feeling it would be too self-indulgent for someone like him. And he didn't think he needed it now. Alec was only letting this happen because Simon admitted that he needed it. It was the least he could do at this point. And it definitely wasn't filling him with a warm feeling that he hadn't let himself feel for so long.