"At the risk of sounding too much like a mother hen, I'm going to insist you drink some of your broth. It's hard to do anything when you're starving, which I understand on a profoundly deeper level these days," Simon chuckled, handing over the cup of cooling liquid. Alec hesitated before taking it back from him, giving it a reluctant sniff. His face didn't change color this time, so Simon considered it a win. "Just one sip at a time."

"I remember," Alec scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"Of course you know how to eat. I'm just being weird. It's like, after becoming a vampire, I don't know how to interact with people. When it comes to people who don't know what I am, I always have to be so careful to make sure I don't do anything suspicious. Sometimes I wish I had your magical invisibility thing you guys can do," Simon laughed.

"It's not all it's cracked up to be. Seems to carry over to when you don't want it," Alec murmured, finally taking a tiny taste of the soup. "It's good."

"Great! Probably not as good as Campbell's as a kid though, right?" Simon chuckled, hoping to breeze past Alec's last statement about being invisible. They both deserved a break from the heavy topics.

"My parents weren't really the type to do this kind of stuff. It wasn't their fault though, since they were always so busy," Alec said quietly, tacking the excuse on quickly.

"So what did you do when you didn't feel well?" Simon asked. So much for keeping things light for a bit.

"I dealt with it. It wasn't their responsibility," Alec shrugged off.

"That's-"

"I didn't need anything. Once I was old enough to take care of myself, why would they bother? And then I was old enough to take care of Izzy when she needed it. I don't even know why I brought it up," Alec waved away.

"You took care of Izzy? What did you do for her?" Simon asked, catching the hint of a smile flash across Alec's face.

"I mostly just sat with her, so she wouldn't be alone in her misery. And I'd sneak off to the kitchen to grab her favorite snacks to make her happy," Alec replied, his face falling again as he told his story. "I guess it wasn't good enough."

"What are you talking about? The most my sister ever did for me was throw a box of tissues in my room like a grenade and run," Simon snorted.

"If she trusted me to help her when she needed it, she would've come to me when she was sick. She hid it from me because she knew I'd let her down," Alec ground out.

"I'm sure that's not true," Simon insisted. He didn't know what the details were of what happened with Izzy and she seemed fine now, but judging from how upset Alec was by it, it must've been something serious. "It's hard to ask for help, even when you really need it. And even from people you love and who love you back."

"But this is different. I'm supposed to be a dependable leader. If my own sister can't come to me with her problems, what does that say about me? Why would anyone else take that chance?"

"Or maybe sometimes people make mistakes. You're holding yourself to this impossible, unreachable standard and it isn't fair to anyone, especially you. You can't turn every misstep into a catastrophe."

"But every decision has the potential to lead to something catastrophic."

"Possibly, sure. But you can't-"

"What if you hadn't followed Clary that night when she went to the City of Bones? That one decision altered the trajectory of your whole life."

"That's- what does that have to do with anything?" Simon snapped. This wasn't about him and he didn't see how Alec pointing out his mistakes would help anything.

"I have to make decisions like that for other shadowhunters every day. Choices that can lead to their death and the death of countless others."

"I can't imagine having that sort of responsibility over people. It must be very hard."

"I accepted that pressure when I decided to become a leader. But how am I supposed to do that when the people I lead don't trust me?"

"They do," Simon insisted.

"But what if I don't trust myself?" Alec whispered, staring down into the cup in his hands as if it held all the answers. "I can't trust myself to make the right decisions anymore and that terrifies me."

"Alec."

"Every move I make, I second guess. I was always certain in every plan I made, but now- now all I see are the ways it can fail. The ways I will fail," Alec spat, slamming the cup on the little end table. Simon startled back as Alec got up in a huff, pacing around the small space. "How am I supposed to do anything if I can't trust my instincts? Who am I if I can't fulfill my purpose? I may as well be deruned at this point."

"That might be a bit of an over exaggeration."

"Do you know how many shadowhunters I led to their deaths on the day that Valentine came into the institute? And do you think I'm here because I fought valiantly and persevered?" Alec asked, chuckling mirthlessly. "It's because I was nice to a little girl once and she decided to spare me. Once again, Alec Lightwood needed a bailout."

"There is nothing wrong with accepting help when you need it. How can you expect, demand even, that others come to you when they need help, but stay so unwilling to accept it when they want to do the same in return?" Simon challenged. It felt like they'd had this argument before, but Alec kept falling back into this mindset. And now that he had a bit of rest, his reasoning was getting more specific and heartbreaking. Alec had completely lost any sense of self worth.

"Because the one thing I did accomplish successfully was pushing everyone I care about away."

Magnus couldn't remember a night more restless than the one he just went through. Even while dealing with shadowhunter or downworlder nonsense, he was still able to catch a wink here and there. Sometimes he had to use a bit of magical means to help himself along, but those instances were few and far between. Magnus didn't think the most powerful warlock on earth could've settled him last night.

Ever since the break-up, the inner turmoil had been constant. He thought that things would cool off during subsequent meetings, and they had, just a lot further than Magnus thought they would. Alexander was treating him like what they had didn't mean anything and that hurt. It wasn't like Magnus wanted Alexander to be weeping at his feet every time they were in each other's presence, but even a small sign that what they had meant something would've been enough.

Magnus thought he could use that anger from being cast aside to get over this heartbreak, but then Isabelle had to show up. Why was it always his responsibility to make things right and come in when all other options were exhausted? At some point, it went from him appreciating being needed, to resenting being used.

But Isabelle's words were still stuck in Magnus' head. He felt like he knew his Alexander better than anyone, so he knew he was prone to bottling things up. And Alexander would hate to hear that they were talking about him behind his back. But that just showed that he wasn't pretending to be okay as well as he thought he was. And deep down Magnus knew he was faking the aloofness, but he didn't want to admit it. If he admitted that Alexander was in pain, the fact that Magnus couldn't be there to help him made things worse.

But nothing was stopping Magnus from trying again except himself. Even if Alexander told him they were over for good, Magnus needed the closure that came from more than a few rushed conversations. They needed to actually sit down and speak, without a hasty escape or important event that they had to get to. Their relationship may not have been a long one, but it was important enough to warrant a discussion, no matter the outcome.

Magnus used his magic to get himself into pristine condition, putting on an outfit he knew Alexander loved. Maybe that was cheating, but any little thing that could help, he would use to his advantage. He checked his hair and makeup in the mirror, making sure not a single detail was out of place. It didn't matter that he was only about to make a phone call. If he looked put together, it would help him exude that confidence.

Magnus grabbed his cell phone and tapped it against his thigh a few times. It was early enough that Alexander was probably not too busy to take a call. And this was definitely something he couldn't leave in a text message, where he'd have to toil along for an undetermined amount of time without knowing if it had even been read. He wasn't planning on going deeper than setting up a meeting in the call either, but he needed to hear Alexander's voice. It was his favorite sound in the world and his days were lacking without it.

After finally drumming up enough courage, he tapped his one-time and hopefully future lover's face and placed the call. Countless rings later with no answer and Magnus tossed the phone on the couch and went to the bar to pour himself a drink. He wasn't going to be the desperate ex and keep calling and texting until he got a response. If Alexander didn't want to talk, there was nothing else he could do. He'd tried.

But then Isabelle's words popped into his head again. Was he giving up too easily? Was it his responsibility to see this through to the true end for both of them, since he was the one with more experience in these types of situations? Even if he bristled at being seen as the one who should be mature enough to not be as affected, it didn't make it untrue. He knew what he was signing up for when he took the chance on the sheltered shadowhunter. Maybe it was his responsibility to get them both back to a healthy place, even if it wasn't with each other.

His mind made up, Magnus strode purposefully to his bedroom closet. During those first days post breakup, he'd shoved all of Alexander's things in there, since it was too hard to see reminders of him all over the apartment. It wasn't like every inch didn't still have Alexander's mark, like the bed or the couch, but an extra shirt or belt hit harder. Now he was going to use those little tokens to his advantage and track down the focus of his affections.

He grabbed one of Alexander's undershirts, taking a moment to rub the material between his fingers. Magnus had gotten it for him, wanting him to have something comfortable to wear when he came over. It was much nicer than anything Alexander would bother to get himself, because he was always so selfless. Magnus always tried his hardest to pamper him, to try to even things out. He hoped he had that chance again.

Magnus took the shirt back into the living room, where most of his supplies were. This might be an over the top move, but he didn't want to go all the way to the institute to find that Alexander wasn't even there. Creating a portal took barely any effort, but popping around aimlessly just sounded pathetic. And if he was on an important mission or something, Magnus would know to wait. But he was for sure going to get an answer now.

A few flicks of his wrist later and a tendril of blue magic gave him the information he was looking for. Alexander was down at the Jade Wolf. It wasn't really the ideal place for this talk to take place, but neutral territory might be a plus. And if Alexander blew him off, he could drown his sorrows in some greasy food.

The decision made, Magnus conjured up a portal and walked through it before he could change his mind. The area was quiet, like usual. He was about to start toward the restaurant when he paused. Over time, he'd developed a bit of a sense about Alexander. Even in a crowded room, he always knew where he was. And not because of his height. Magnus could just feel Alexander, and he wasn't going to ignore that instinct now.

He diverted his course toward one of the buildings next to the restaurant. If Alexander was having some sort of werewolf outreach meeting, he'd just come up with an excuse for being there and go on his way. But he couldn't turn tail and leave now.

The door was unlocked, even though a lock wouldn't have been an issue for him, but that made him feel better that he wasn't interrupting anything private. He poked his head in, looking for signs of life. It was a storage area it seemed, which again made him wonder why Alexander was here. He'd find out soon enough.

Magnus heard voices so he followed them around stacks of junk, freezing when he finally caught sight of his Alexander. The stoic man he'd last seen was gone and in his place was a version he barely recognized. Magnus had seen Alexander after fights, near death even, but those times didn't even compare to now. Alexander looked completely destroyed and Magnus couldn't understand how he hadn't seen it before. It hadn't even been 24 hours since he'd been in his presence. And if he thought Alexander looked terrible, he sounded even worse.

"Because the one thing I did accomplish successfully was pushing everyone I care about away," Alexander choked out. Magnus had heard Alexander angry before. And he'd heard him when he was suppressing his feelings to be the proper head of the institute. But this voice was pained beyond anything he could comprehend. It was so defeated that Magnus could feel it in his soul.

"But you can't give up. You can't stop trying," another voice insisted. Magnus recognized it as Clary's vampire friend, Simon, but he didn't care enough to figure out his role in this. He was too focused on Alexander. And the next words he said broke Magnus' heart.

"You can't fail if you don't try. And I am so tired of failing."

"Alexander."