He didn't know how to be happy. It felt so strange to admit, but it was true. Alec knew he'd had the occasional snatches of joy throughout his life, especially since he met Magnus. But all of those moments had felt sort of accidental, instead of purposeful. If someone asked him point blank what made him smile, he wouldn't know what to tell them.

He liked training with Jace, because his parabatai enjoyed being active and showing off his skills. He liked hanging out with Izzy, because she liked to talk about things and it made her lighter. He liked spending time with Magnus, because the warlock appreciated someone who loved him for who he was and didn't expect anything from him. But if Alec had to sit down and choose something that was just for him, he came up blank.

His professional life had been all about service, and so when he'd finally developed a personal life, that followed the same path. Considering himself first was such a foreign concept to him. He was about to marry someone he didn't love for the sake of status. But he hadn't, and that had been maybe the first spark of living for himself. Except that hadn't worked out too well in the end, had it?

Alec was back with Magnus now, but for how long? How long would Magnus be able to deal with him this time before throwing in the towel? Alec was sure to mess things up, since that was what he always did. And according to Simon, he was clued into what happened last night. Magnus was bound to realize Alec was just a brief, insignificant moment in time for him. He would end up being a warning to give to other warlocks.

"Simon," Alec sighed, feeling the bone-deep weariness settle into his body once again, "I'm not going to do anything, okay? I promise I learned my lesson. So you don't have to keep talking to me. You don't have to keep checking on me. And you don't need to worry about me."

"Alec, I can't. There's no way I can forget the things you said," Simon replied, wringing his hands nervously.

"What if I told you I was lying? Would that help?"

"You aren't that good of a liar," Simon scoffed.

"I'm not?" Alec asked, a bit incredulously. His whole life had been comprised of lies built on top of lies.

"Not to people who know what to look for. I lived almost my whole life as a mundane, as you like to call people. We learn how to spot stuff like that," Simon explained. "I suspect that feelings weren't a top priority growing up in a life like this."

"Not particularly."

"It's the eyes. They will always give you away."

"And what are my eyes telling you right now?" Alec asked. He was feeling frustration and annoyance and anger.

"That you're defeated," Simon whispered, and Alec closed his eyes. "I'm not saying all of this to hurt you or make you feel bad. I'm saying this because I care."

"But why? What have I ever done for you?" Alec questioned in confusion.

"You don't have to do anything to be worthy of kindness and affection!" Simon shouted. That wasn't how things worked in his life though. People might say one thing, but that didn't mean it was how they truly felt.

"I don't-"

"Aren't I proof of that? What do I have to gain from being here right now?" Simon challenged. That was a good question. All of this seemed to only be causing Simon stress, but he was still here. His life probably wouldn't change at all if Alec was gone, but yet here he was, fighting to get him to stay.

"I don't know what to do," Alec admitted, running a tired hand down his face. He honestly did want to be better, whatever that looked like, but he didn't know how to get there.

"Come with me," Simon blurted out. Alec blinked in surprise, staring at him in confusion.

"What?"

"We'll go somewhere away from all this, away from responsibility and expectations. And maybe we'll both get to know who Alec Lightwood is."

"I can't just leave the institute," Alec sighed.

"Tell me you didn't have everything set up before last night. You weren't planning on coming back," Simon pointed out quietly. Alec had to look away. "If you thought the institute could survive without you forever, don't you think it can for a week?"

"I don't know."

"I could kidnap you, if that makes things easier?" Simon suggested. Alec couldn't hold back a snort at that. "Hey, I'm pretty tenacious when I put my mind to something."

"Obviously," Alec mumbled. Simon had been accurate that Alec had done all he could to set up the institute for a smooth transition, but that didn't mean nothing new would pop up. He could always delegate the responsibilities over to Izzy or Jace, but then he would have to explain what was going on. That was the last thing he wanted to do though. Alec didn't want them to know anything about last night.

"I'm not going to push you. The whole point of this is for you to choose something for yourself, so me forcing you would sort of negate that," Simon said, shooting him a sad smile. "At least think about it? I'll be here, no matter what you decide." Simon turned to leave and Alec felt a churning in his stomach. The longer he thought about this, the easier it would be to come up with excuses not to try. Even if they were valid reasons, wouldn't there be strong ones in favor as well? Did he always have to default to no?

"Yes!" Alec exclaimed, before he could talk himself out of it. Simon's smile turned to one of relief and Alec found himself with a similar one on his face. "Let's go."

"Okay! Yeah, that's great," Simon stammered excitedly. "Well, I didn't really think all the details through, but that's okay. We just need to figure out where to go, how to get there, what to do when we are there. Do you have a car? Do you know how to drive?"

"Simon, slow down," Alec said, already starting to feel overwhelmed.

"Right, sorry," Simon said sheepishly. Alec glanced over his desk, snatching up a sheet of paper. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving Izzy and Jace a note," Alec mumbled, jotting down a basic excuse and letting them know that they were in charge until he got back. He knew he wouldn't be able to tell them face to face without something slipping and he wasn't mentally prepared for that. He could save those talks for when he was better, if Simon's plan even worked.

"Okay."

"I need to talk to Magnus," Alec sighed, knowing that was a conversation he had to have in person. He owed it to Magnus to be honest and not keep him in the dark. It wouldn't be fair to disappear after everything that happened.

"I'll go grab my stuff from Clary's room. Meet up when you're done?" Alec nodded in agreement, parting ways with Simon in the hall. He wasn't sure where Magnus was, but his feet seemed to be taking him in a certain direction. This was going to be hard, but things couldn't go on like they had been. Even if Alec didn't get better, there would be proof he tried. And another failure might help everyone realize he was a lost cause and they could give up on him without guilt.

"Alexander?" Magnus' quiet voice said from behind him. Alec froze, turning slowly to find the warlock standing in a doorway he'd just passed.

"Can we talk?" Alec murmured, feeling oddly vulnerable. That wasn't a feeling he enjoyed. Magnus stepped back to let him into the room, closing the door behind him with a soft snick.

"I'm sorry," they both said in unison.

"Why on earth would you be apologizing to me?" Magnus asked incredulously. "I should've realized what was going on and helped you. I never should've left you alone and I won't make that mistake again."

"Magnus, I'm leaving," Alec whispered, and Magnus reared back as if he'd been struck. "Let me explain."

"Alexander, please."

"I don't know who I am anymore. Or if I ever did in the first place," Alec admitted. "I need to give myself a chance to figure that out."

"But why do you have to do it alone?"

"I'm not going to be alone. I'm going to be with Simon." Magnus shot him a dubious look and Alec couldn't help but chuckle a little, no matter how difficult the situation was. "I know it sounds crazy, but-"

"You'll be able to be honest with him in a way you can't with me," Magnus mumbled, and Alec realized he was right. He was too scared of hurting Magnus to let everything out.

"I want to be better. I want us to be together and happy, I just need time to get there."

"Where are you going?" Magnus asked, stepping a little closer.

"We haven't figured that part out yet."

"I could portal you somewhere," Magnus offered. "And bring you back when you're ready, no questions asked. No matter how long it takes."

"Yeah?" Alec mumbled, taking his own step forward. They were close enough to touch.

"I'd do anything for you," Magnus said sincerely. Alec closed his eyes, letting himself fall into an embrace with Magnus. It felt like everything he wanted it to and he relished in the knowledge that he hadn't lost this, even after everything he'd done.

"I don't deserve you," Alec whispered into Magnus' neck.

"Alexander, you deserve more than I could possibly ever give you. And when you get back, I'm going to spend every day proving it to you," Magnus said firmly, squeezing him closer for emphasis. And Alec was determined to learn how to believe it.