He wasn't really ready for this, yet here he was, standing in front of everyone at the institute. There were all the normal shadowhunters around, plus representatives from the clave. Everyone was staring at him, waiting for him to give a speech about how operations were going and to reassure them that nothing like what had happened would repeat itself. That he was a leader who they could trust.

"Thank you all for coming here today," Alec started, nodding politely at the crowd. "I know things have been a bit chaotic recently, so I appreciate you taking the time."

"Well, we had to," a voice said. The crowd in front of him parted, revealing his parents. Alec hadn't known they were going to be there, but it shouldn't have surprised him. "After the mess you made of everything."

"Excuse me?" Alec murmured in confusion. Their relationship wasn't perfect, but he thought his parents had mellowed out a bit, especially after everything with Valentine. And if they really had a problem with how he was doing things, couldn't they at least have the decency to talk to him about it in private?

"We expected better from you, but once again you've let us down," his dad said sternly. "You're supposed to be a leader, but you will never be able to live up to the Lightwood name." Alec reared back, staring at him in shock. Everyone else was looking at him in silence. Did they agree? Wasn't there anyone who would stand up for him?

Alec glanced over toward where Jace and Izzy were standing off to the side. Surely they would be angry on his behalf. Jace ready to argue with everyone and make a scene, while Izzy stood in front of him and dared anyone to try and stop it. But that's not what he saw. They looked perfectly fine with what was going on. Even nodding along. This had to be a mistake.

"I don't understand," Alec muttered. He felt sick to his stomach. Like he was going to break down in front of all these people.

"And that's the problem, isn't it? You've never understood your purpose," his mom said, the disappointment dripping from her voice. "Time and time again you've failed. Aren't you ready to admit you're worthless?" Alec's breath caught and he could feel his eyes burning with tears. Everything he'd felt all his life was true. No matter what he did, he would never live up to what his parents expected of him.

Alec raked his eyes across everyone again, all of them judging him as he stood there, exposed to scrutiny. He didn't have anyone on his side. Why would they be, when they only had evidence of his failures? Alec was a fraud who didn't deserve his position.

He turned around, rushing away from everyone and toward his bedroom. Alec knew it was cowardly, but they already thought so little of him. What was the point of trying to pretend he was strong, when everyone could see he was weak? He just needed a moment alone to figure out what to do next. Alec burst through his door, freezing in shock when he saw what was waiting for him in the middle of his bedroom.

"Magnus!" Alec gasped, trembling in horror at the sight in front of him. Valentine was standing behind the love of his life, holding a knife to his throat. "How?"

"How nice of you to join us," Valentine smirked.

"But you're dead," Alec choked out.

"No, but he is," Valentine shrugged, dragging the blade across Magnus' neck without warning. Alec shouted, darting forward just as Valentine let Magnus go. He crumpled to the floor, Alec catching his head before it could smack against the tile.

"Magnus, no!" Alec cried, pressing his hand to the wound to try to stop the bleeding. Magnus' eyes were rolling around as his life left him. Alec was openly sobbing now, knowing he was powerless to do anything to stop what was happening. "Hold on, please."

"Alexander," Magnus whispered, finally focusing up at him. Alec nodded, staring down at his love. "Why didn't you save me?"

"I'm sorry!" Alec panted, repeating the phrase over and over to the point of hyperventilation. He begged for Magnus to stay with him, but moments later Alec could see the light leave his eyes. Magnus was dead and it was his fault. If he'd been better, he could've stopped this.

"He's in a better place now. Away from you," Valentine gloated from behind him. Alec felt a rage take over him, setting Magnus down and spinning to attack his murderer. He yelled as he tackled Valentine, wrapping his hands around his throat as he squeezed the life out of him. There was no thought of grabbing the knife and doing this quickly. Alec needed to feel the life leave this monster and look him in the eye while he did it.

"You bastard!" Alec snarled, squeezing tighter as Valentine weakly batted at his wrists.

"Alexander, it's me," Valentine gasped weakly.

"No!" Alec shouted, gritting his teeth. "You're lying!"

"You're hurting me."

"Stop it!"

"I thought you loved me?"

"Stop!"

"Alexander, please."

"Alec, what have you done?" Izzy shrieked, standing in front of him in horror. Alec looked up, finding everyone crowded in his room. They were all staring at him in disgust.

"I had to. He- he killed-" Alec said, looking back toward where Magnus' body laid. Only it wasn't Magnus, it was Valentine. He looked beneath himself again, crying out when he saw his hands wrapped around Magnus' neck. "No!" He tried to pull his hands away, but he couldn't. Alec's hands were getting tighter without him being able to stop it.

Everyone was shouting at him, telling him the names of all the people he was responsible for killing. From the shadowhunters who never made it back from patrols, to the ones who'd died during Valentine's ambush, to Jocelyn. Izzy and Jace were just chanting Magnus' name, ducking down on either side of him so they could scream it into his ears.

Alec closed his eyes, trying to block everything out, but it was no use. Nothing could stop the words from stabbing into his soul like invisible knives. There was no getting away from the truth.

Simon wasn't really what he'd consider a light sleeper. In fact, he'd been known to sleep through a few alarms as a kid, until his mom found one annoying enough to break through his doze and jolt him awake. And that helped him now, with his current living situation being what it was. He'd probably lose his mind if the sound of a forklift woke him up every morning. But now, somehow his mind had become hyper aware of his temporary roommate.

The two beds in the cabin were separated by a nightstand, so they weren't very far away from each other. It had been kind of weird falling asleep so close, but it was fine. They could pretend it was like summer camp, just with less people and more trauma. But maybe they could work through some of that last bit.

Alec had already been asleep when Simon went into the bedroom, sprawled on his back. He looked so innocent this way, with his hair tousled and his face relaxed. If Simon could get Alec to look like that while he was awake, he'd know he accomplished something. Alec's jaw was always set and his brows were usually pinched, like he was always ready to stand at full attention. Sometimes you just needed to be able to smile without a care.

Simon wasn't sure what woke him up at first. One second he was asleep and the next he was wide awake and on high alert. Magnus probably wouldn't drop them somewhere surrounded by giant animals that would attack, but you could never be sure. Simon didn't want to fight a bear, but he would if he had to.

He heard a noise again and realized it was coming from the bed next to him. Simon turned onto his side, finding Alec shifting around in his sleep. Normally he would've left him to it, figuring that he was just moving around to try to get comfortable, but the little noise of distress had him springing out of the bed.

Simon hovered nervously at the side of the mattress, trying to decide what to do. Alec had mentioned before that he had trouble sleeping, so was it a good idea to wake him up? Was this just a bad dream he'd be in and out of as he moved through sleep cycles? Would it be babying him to pull him out of a nightmare?

Simon gnawed on his lip as he watched Alec twitch and roll on his side. If he stood there and did nothing, wouldn't he be like everyone else in Alec's life? Just pretending that Alec was fine and didn't need help? Letting him hurt without doing everything he could to try and stop it?

That thought helped solidify Simon's decision. And if Alec was annoyed with him, that was an acceptable consequence. Simon moved closer, setting a careful hand on Alec's shoulder. There was no response at first, so he gripped Alec a little tighter, giving his arm a shake.

"Alec?"

Faster than Simon's vampire senses could comprehend, there was a set of hands around his throat. Some part of Simon's brain vaguely wondered if this is why people said to never wake up a sleepwalker. Alec wasn't sleepwalking, but he was sleep-strangling. Simon pulled on Alec's wrists, but his grip was latched on tight. He was trying not to panic as he was reminded of his time in the Seelie realm, when the life was being squeezed out of him.

"Alec, stop."

Alec's eyes were half-lidded and unfocused, so Simon knew he wasn't aware of what he was doing. But that didn't make him any less deadly. Simon pried at Alec's fingers, but they wouldn't budge. He could probably use some of his vampire strength and fight his way out, but the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Alec. That wasn't even a last resort.

"Alec, it's me, Simon," Simon wheezed, letting his hands fall limply to his sides. Maybe if he stopped struggling, Alec would realize he wasn't a threat. "I'm not sure what you're seeing right now, but it's not real. It's Alec and Simon." Simon was sure he saw the smallest twitch of recognition on Alec's face, so he kept going.

"Just rock-skipping bros in the middle of the woods. Hanging out in a really cool cabin with no one else around for miles. At least, I think there aren't. But right now, it's just you and me," Simon babbled, watching the clarity slowly return to Alec's eyes. "I wanted to give you a hug, but I guess this is close enough for now."

"Simon?" Alec muttered, keeping his hands where they were, but loosening his grip. Simon nodded in encouragement, resisting the urge to pull away too soon and startle Alec back into renewing his efforts. "What?"

"Just a bad dream, I think. But it's okay," Simon assured him. A normal person would probably be dead at this point, but it was fine. Alec finally dropped his hands in his lap, staring at them in horror. Simon stayed where he was, trying to be supportive. He didn't need to move out of the danger zone. Alec didn't need to think he was scared of him. This was just a thing that happened. "You back with me?"

Alec shot out of the bed, rushing out of the room. Simon didn't realize what was happening until he heard the sound of gagging and he raced to follow. Alec was bent over the toilet, heaving out the little bit of food he'd forced down earlier. A particularly violent convulsion had Alec falling to his knees and Simon darted forward to catch him. Simon supported Alec from behind as he retched into the toilet, his body shaking from the effort. All Simon could do was murmur words of encouragement and rub his back.

"It's okay. You can let it out," Simon soothed. He wasn't expecting Alec to turn around and immediately fall into his arms, but that's what happened. Simon quickly returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around Alec's neck and guiding his head onto his shoulder. His shirt was rapidly becoming wet with Alec's tears, but he didn't care. Alec was finally letting go.

"I've got you," Simon whispered, running his hands through Alec's hair. He didn't know how long Alec would allow himself to be vulnerable, but he was going to take advantage of it. Simon was going to give him all the love and support he could while he had the chance. "I've got you."