"Are you sure you want to do this?" Magnus asked again, using a flick of magic to unbutton the button on Alec's shirt. He rolled his eyes, fixing it back. "We could go on vacation to wherever you want."
"As nice as that sounds, I've been away too long as it is. And there will never be a perfect time," Alec sighed.
"You're the boss. You can take as much time as you want," Magnus scoffed. "And besides, it's not like anything is going on. I haven't been called in at all."
"So it will be a good time to ease into things," Alec pointed out, shooting Magnus a sly smile when he groaned in response to his argument. Alec really wanted to get his first day over with. It was always the anticipation that made things worse. And if there really was no chaos, he could spend the day in his office and get back to the loft at a reasonable time. "We can go somewhere for dinner once I'm done. You pick the country."
"Deal," Magnus agreed, conjuring up a portal for them to go through to get to the institute. "I hear Antarctica is wonderful this time of year."
"I bet," Alec chuckled, clasping Magnus' hand and stepping into the portal. They exited into Alec's bedroom. It looked just the same as he left it. He'd cleaned up the mess he made in the bathroom the last time he was here with Magnus, just in case someone wandered in there. It was a private room, but that meant nothing to Jace and Izzy if the mood struck.
"Home sweet home," Magnus sighed, running his fingers along Alec's bedspread.
"Home is where we just came from," Alec reminded him.
"I love hearing that," Magnus replied, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. "Are you ready?"
"As I'll ever be," Alec confirmed. He took a deep breath, then opened his door. "What?"
"That's… new," Magnus murmured, taking in the sight of the hallway with him. If Alec hadn't been sure that he was actually in his bedroom, he'd have no idea where he was. The familiar walls that he'd walked past for most of his life were different. Instead of the dark woods, everything was black. It wasn't bad, but it was jarring.
"Time for an upgrade, I guess?" Alec shrugged, shaking off his uneasy feeling and walking out of the room. It was more of the same, with bare, black walls. He'd never thought of doing anything to the look of the place. That was never really his thing. His focus was more on operations and upgrading any necessary equipment.
"They should've called my decorator," Magnus huffed, turning his nose up at it all.
"You have a decorator?" Alec asked, leading them toward his office. He hoped they hadn't decided to change that as well. But if they left his private room alone, they'd probably left that too.
"Well, no. But you don't need one when you have a keen eye like mine," Magnus bragged.
"Of course," Alec chuckled, looking fondly at his boyfriend. He was glad he'd asked Magnus to come with him to help him get settled on his first day back. Things were easier to deal with when he had his support. And accepting help was starting to get a little bit easier, after he'd gotten so much of it from Simon.
"Here we are," Magnus announced as they got to his office door. At least that still looked the same. Maybe the inside would too.
"Oh." It wasn't. The bookshelves were gone, leaving the walls just like the ones in the hall. The giant window had been covered as well, bathing the room in darkness, save for the few lamps scattered around the space. And where there had been one desk before, now there were two.
"Alec, you're back!" Izzy exclaimed happily, standing up from one of the new desks and walking over. She reached up and gave him a quick hug, before patting him on the arm. "How was your trip?"
"Uh," Alec mumbled, glancing at Magnus. He knew that Magnus hadn't told anyone exactly where he'd been and what he'd been doing, but Izzy knew enough to know that it wasn't just a normal trip. And it wasn't like Alec wanted Izzy to be fawning over him and crying, but he expected a little bit more. "It was fine?"
"That's great. You look like you got some color," Izzy said with a smile, walking back over to her desk and sitting down. "Jace is off with Clary, but he should be back soon. He'll be so happy to see you."
"Right," Alec nodded, squashing down the little twinge of jealousy at hearing that. Jace was allowed to be with his girlfriend whenever he wanted. He was just kind of looking forward to seeing him again and strengthening their parabatai bond. But it was his own fault that it was stretched so thin, so he could wait until Jace wasn't busy.
"Did you like what we've done with the place?" Izzy asked, waving her arms around the room. Alec didn't really, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings either.
"It's different."
"We felt like everyone needed a fresh start. There have been so many changes around here, so what better time than now to really signify that?"
"What changes?" Alec questioned. He hadn't been gone that long. And since Magnus hadn't heard about anything big happening, what was Izzy talking about?
"Things have been going really well the past few days. Better than they ever have actually."
"Yeah?" Alec didn't want to point out that before Clary came along, things usually were fairly quiet. There would be a few demons here and there and a misbehaving downworlder, but nothing like it had been the past few months. Even during the chaos, it wasn't out of the ordinary to have a lull in the action.
"There haven't been any incidents to speak of and no losses. All of the shadowhunters have been doing their patrols and training with no complaints."
"Wow, that sounds really great," Alec said, trying not to sound bitter. It wasn't that he wanted Izzy and Jace to struggle while he was gone, but he could admit that he kind of wanted them to gain more of an appreciation for the things he dealt with. He had faith in them to make good choices during the harder times, but seeing was different than believing.
"I'm glad you feel that way, since there is something we want to talk to you about," Izzy said carefully. Alec immediately felt his stomach drop. That was the tone she used when she was about to hit him with bad news, usually from their parents.
"What is it?" Alec asked, glancing over at Magnus. He looked like he had no idea what was coming either.
"We think you should step down from your position." Alec turned in shock, finding Jace standing behind him.
"Excuse me?" Alec forced out. Jace had been the one to give him the position, after it had been handed to him by his grandmother. And now he wanted to take it away? "Where is this coming from?"
"Izzy and I feel like we'd be able to do a better job. I mean, we have while you've been gone."
"I wasn't gone for that long!" Alec argued. This was ridiculous.
"Alec, you aren't really stable enough for this job anymore. If you ever even were," Izzy said sympathetically. Alec felt like he'd been slapped in the face. For once he'd put his mental health first and now it was being used against him. Would they have preferred for him to stay and keep going how he was until he crashed and burned, as long as he didn't show weakness beforehand?
"How could you say that?" Alec gasped, shaking his head in denial at them as they stood side by side against him. "I've supported both of you during your struggles. I can't get the same in return?"
"We have to start thinking of the Clave. We can't put any one individual above that," Jace said, spouting off a company line that sounded way too familiar.
"You are not the one to be saying that to me!" Alec spat, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "After every rule you disregarded when it came to Clary."
"I know you're jealous of the bond she and I share, but-"
"This is not about jealousy! This is about pointing out your hypocrisy!" Alec shot back. "And no matter what I was going through, I still did my job."
"Alec, you're getting hysterical," Izzy chastised.
"No, I'm not!" Alec argued, feeling tears of frustration well up in his eyes. He couldn't let them fall. Showing emotions might have been acceptable when it was with Magnus or Simon, but Jace and Izzy seemed to be determined to use everything against him. So much for being open about his feelings.
"Were you ever really cut out to be a leader or was it just the role you were placed in? Maybe it's time to admit that it was a failed experiment," Jace said solemnly. Alec couldn't suppress the pained, startled sound that burst from his throat. Jace of all people should've known not to throw one of his biggest fears in his face. His fear of failure.
"Alexander."
"There's no shame in being a normal shadowhunter," Izzy insisted, as if this fall from grace wouldn't follow him for the rest of his days. No one forgot anything. Everyone who saw him would know he hadn't been able to hack it as a leader.
"Alexander."
"Maybe it'll help make up for everything that's happened under your watch."
"Alexander."
"Everything that happened wasn't my fault! I did the best I could under the circumstances!"
"And your best wasn't good enough."
"Alexander!"
Alec jolted, looking around wildly. He wasn't at the institute. He was laying in the bed he shared with the love of his life. And Magnus was currently hovered over him, looking worried. "Are you alright?" Alec surged up, pulling Magnus into a hug as he took a few deep breaths. It had only been a nightmare.
"Bad dream," Alec mumbled into his neck, taking in the comfort he desperately needed. He was naive to think his sleep would be undisturbed, now that he was back home. "Did I hurt you?"
"Of course not!" Magnus insisted, rubbing his hand across his back. "You were tossing and turning and mumbling something." Alec nodded, relieved that it wasn't like what happened when Simon woke him up. The thought of causing harm to Magnus made him sick.
"Sorry I woke you up," Alec sighed, relishing in the feel of Magnus' warmth soaking into him. "It's probably going to happen a lot. I understand if you want me to sleep somewhere else."
"Don't even think about it," Magnus chastised lightly, leaning back so they were face to face. "I finally got you back in my bed. There is no way I'd want you to leave it again."
"Okay," Alec murmured, leaning into Magnus' hand as he cupped his cheek.
"Do you want to tell me what it was about?"
"Do you think I should go back to being the head of the institute?" Alec blurted out. Magnus raised his eyebrows in surprise and didn't say anything for a few moments. Alec knew it was kind of out of nowhere, but if the question was showing up in his dreams, it probably meant he needed to deal with it in the waking world.
"Where did that come from?" Magnus asked carefully.
"One of the things Simon and I talked about a lot was me being honest about the way I feel. And I know I've always said that I wanted to be the head of the institute. But what if that's only because it's what I've always been pushed toward? Do I want to do it or do I think I have to do it?" Alec wondered. There had never been anything else in his mind since he was a small child. "Am I just doing it for my parents approval?"
"Alexander-"
"And is it fair for me to be in that position if I don't feel confident in it? What if someone else would do a better job? Would it be selfish of me to not give them a chance if it would benefit everyone?"
"Who is them?"
"Izzy and Jace. Or anyone else who thinks they can do it. Maybe I should resign."
"Slow down," Magnus said, grabbing one of his hands and giving it a squeeze. "Can I tell you my opinion?"
"Sure," Alec nodded, urging Magnus to continue. He held the man's opinion in high regard, even though this needed to be his own decision.
"If you want to leave your position, I'll support you completely," Magnus said firmly. Alec had been expecting Magnus to try and talk him out of it, so he was a bit surprised. "It might be selfish of me, but I wouldn't hate the idea of you leaving the institute altogether. We could travel around the world without a care in the world. You lying naked on silk sheets as I hand feed you fresh berries."
"Magnus," Alec groaned, feeling his cheeks heat up at the idea. It didn't sound like a bad life.
"But I also know you. I know you aren't the type of person to sit around and do nothing."
"No," Alec admitted. It was nice to not have responsibility for a while when he was with Simon, but he wouldn't be able to deal with it long term.
"Do you think maybe a part of you is worried that if you do go back, you won't live up to the standards you've set for yourself?" Alec slumped, knowing that Magnus had hit the nail on the head. If he did all this work on himself and still failed, what did that say about him? And how did he get past it? Was he just going to give up without trying at all? "Of course you could go back and thrive and be a better leader than you could have ever imagined. Then still realize it isn't what you want."
"But I won't know unless I do it," Alec finished for him.
"Unfortunately, that's the way the world works. And if you didn't try-"
"It would eat at me for the rest of my life."
"I wish I had a spell that could give you all the answers," Magnus sighed, kissing the back of his hand.
"What if I go back and realize it really is what I want to do, but I still fail?" Alec whispered. That was his biggest fear. Putting all of his focus on something and still losing it in the end. That had almost happened with Magnus, but he'd gotten him back. Could he take that chance again? Would coming up short be the thing that finally broke him once and for all?
"Then we'll get through it together," Magnus said confidently. "Just look at what you've already overcome. There is nothing that you can't do. And this time, I'll be right by your side through it all." Alec tipped forward into Magnus' chest, letting the older man wrap him up in his arms again.
It had felt impossible to survive these past few weeks, but he had. It wasn't easy, but here he was. And it still wasn't perfect, but he wasn't planning on giving up. And not giving up on himself meant not giving up on the things that were important to him. His duties still were, at least for now. Putting it off was only going to allow the self doubt to grow. He leaned back, staring Magnus in the eye. There was only love and support reflected back at him.
"I'm going back."