Alec pointedly did things as differently as possible from his dream, as if it would make a difference. It felt like it would be bad luck to even wear a shirt that was the same color. So he went with dark blue instead of black. Not a huge difference to anyone else's eye, but that wasn't what was important. How he felt was.

It had only been a few days since he'd been back in town, but he didn't want to put things off any longer. Alec still had nightmares, but they weren't as intense as they had been. He liked to think that Magnus' presence was helping settle him, even when he wasn't awake. He even got a full six hour stretch of sleep without waking up.

Magnus was as amazing as usual. It was getting a lot easier for both of them to be honest about how they were feeling. Admitting things instead of grinning and bearing it was such a foreign concept to Alec, but Magnus' acceptance of it all was showing him that it was better than holding things back. What was the point of being in a relationship when you couldn't be yourself in it? And if the person you were with didn't love and respect who you were? But now Alec truly believed he and Magnus had all of that and more.

"You look good," Magnus purred, sliding up behind him and resting his chin on his shoulder. "Far too much clothing for my taste, but still good."

"Yeah, you've made it very clear what you prefer," Alec smirked, turning to face him.

"Naked Sundays are a time honored tradition in some parts of the world. I think it's important to broaden our horizons and explore other cultures," Magnus insisted.

"Who am I to question your centuries of knowledge?"

"Attaboy."

"Maybe we should add naked dinners as well?"

"Alexander! I love the way you think."

"But only if we're alone and at home."

"I guess I can agree to that," Magnus sighed, running his fingers across Alec's chest. "Although I would love to show you off. Let everyone be jealous of us." Alec had never really considered how his body looked to other people. As long as it performed the way he wanted it to, it was fine. But Magnus treated him like he was the most beautiful thing on earth. And Alec kind of liked how that felt.

"Should we get going?" Alec asked. Magnus had offered to go with him the first day, but left the decision up to him. Alec appreciated it, since he really did want Magnus by his side. Magnus was going to do some actual work for the institute, so he'd have a true reason to be there, instead of just being Alec's support. But he'd be there at a moment's notice, if Alec said the word.

"You tell me," Magnus replied. Alec was torn between wanting to go and get the first day back over with and staying where he was in blissful ignorance. He wouldn't fully be able to relax with everything hanging over his head, but the distraction of Magnus helped.

"Do you think they know I'm back?" Alec wondered. He hadn't talked to anyone but Magnus since he'd come back to New York. Not even Simon. Alec felt kind of bad about that, but he'd needed to get his bearings back with Magnus before anything. He hoped Simon would understand. It was so strange to say, but his friendship with Simon was important to him and he didn't want to ruin it.

"I haven't told them. I've quite enjoyed our little bubble these past few days."

"Me too," Alec murmured.

"But you miss them."

"Yeah, I do." Alec ached for the bond they'd shared for so many years. He knew it couldn't and shouldn't be the same as it was, since he wasn't the same person anymore and neither were they. But maybe it could develop into something better. There would always be a part of him that mourned the relationship that hadn't been tainted by the reality of life, but that was just a memory now. "What if they don't like the person I'm becoming?"

"How could they not? Alexander, it is impossible not to love you."

"I always heard what they would say, when I'd lead them on missions. When I had to be the bad guy," Alec said, staring down at the floor as he spoke. "We've never been more fractured than when we were on opposite sides, thanks to the Clave. I think on some level we were always able to come back together, since that was shadowhunter business and not as personal. And in the end, no matter how much I argued, I was sort of a pushover when it came to what they wanted to do. But what happens if I assert myself on things in general? What if they only put up with institute Alec because regular Alec goes along with what they want?"

"Hey, slow down," Magnus soothed, putting a hand on Alec's cheek. He hadn't realized how worked up he was getting while he was letting everything out. Alec took a deep breath, trying to invoke the calm of the cabin and forest.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. We just need to work on your breathing a little bit."

"What if they decide I'm too much of a hassle?" Alec whispered. His nightmare had really rattled him and it wasn't just because he had lost his role. What if Jace and Izzy enjoyed things more while he was away? What if they didn't want to hear his opinion on anything? His parents preferred him when he was an unfeeling robot, would Izzy and Jace as well?

"Through every trial and tribulation that Jace and Isabelle have gone through, have you ever wanted to wash your hands of them? When it would've been easier to give up on them, did you?" Magnus asked.

"No," Alec mumbled. There had been times where they couldn't see eye to eye and needed space from each other. And even times where their discord had led to violence, at least in his and Jace's case. But Alec could never see himself living in a world without them in it, by his choice.

"This time going forward is about being honest and giving each other a chance. If they can't accept you for who you are, they don't deserve you," Magnus said. Alec slumped in resignation. That wasn't the answer he wanted, even if that was all Magnus could say. "I talked to them while you were gone."

"Really?" Alec asked in surprise. Magnus hadn't told him that.

"I didn't tell them anything and it was only once. But they were worried about you."

"They were?"

"Jace was ready to tear apart the loft to look for you. And I'm pretty sure Isabelle would've figured out a way to incapacitate me for him to do so," Magnus huffed. That did sound like them. "The point is, they weren't just kicking back in your office, enjoying being the ones in charge without you around. Them actually putting in the work to mend their relationship with you remains to be seen, but the desire to was there when I saw them."

"Okay, I'm ready. Let's go."

"Are you sure?"

"I need to see them," Alec said determinedly. Magnus recognized the passion in his voice and said no more, flicking his hand up to summon a portal. A tiny ball of anxiety grew in Alec's chest at the sight of it, thinking back to his nightmare, but he tamped it down. That wasn't real and this was. He wasn't going to let a story that his mind told him control what he did.

"Shall we?" Magnus asked, offering his hand for Alec to take. Alec accepted it, linking their fingers together and giving him a quick squeeze. He could do this.

They stepped through the portal together, just like they had in his dream. Alec's breath caught a little at the sight of his room, even though it was still the same. It was what was outside of the door that he had to worry about.

"I really wish you'd let me add some color in here," Magnus moaned, running his fingers along the dark curtains. "It's so drab."

"Well, I'm not planning on spending much time in here anymore, so why bother?" Alec asked.

"Good point," Magnus purred, perking up and sliding back over to his side. Alec had his hand hovering over the door knob, gearing himself up for whatever was on the other side of the door. Realistically, Jace and Izzy wouldn't have had enough time to change everything he'd seen in his nightmare and he doubted they would even want to. And honestly, Izzy would probably make things look better, if she had free reign to do what she wanted. It was the idea that things would change without him around that made him nervous. Changing himself and how he did things was already a lot to handle, so he needed as much as possible to stay steady.

"Okay," Alec breathed out, opening the door before he could work himself up even more. The hallway looked the same, but that wasn't what caught his attention. "Simon?"

"Oh, hey! Alec! It's good to see you!" Simon stammered, freezing mid step as he walked down the hall with Clary. She was staring at both of them curiously. "When- I mean, um, hey."

"Hey," Alec whispered back, suddenly overcome with emotion. Seeing Simon again made him remember just how close he came to not being around anymore. It was Alec who was putting in the work to choose to keep going every second, but Simon was the one to give him that chance. Alec couldn't stop himself from surging forward, wrapping Simon up in a crushing hug. Clary let out a squeak, like she wasn't sure if Alec was attacking Simon, but once Simon returned the hug, she made a noise of understanding. Simon must not have told her anything, which Alec appreciated, but it wasn't going to stay secret for long. Alec wasn't going to tuck Simon away into the shadows and only bring him out when he needed something. They had gone through too much together and he would not hesitate to tell anyone who asked that they were friends now.

"Biscuit, maybe we should give the boys a moment," Magnus suggested, guiding Clary away with a hand on her back.

"Actually," Alec said, pulling away from his embrace with Simon, "Clary, could we talk? In private?" Clary's eyebrows almost disappeared into her hair. That wasn't a surprising reaction, since the only times they spent alone together was during a crisis or training. But seeing her made it clear to Alec that a conversation was long overdue.

"Sure?" Clary replied hesitantly, glancing at the others for a clue about what this was regarding. Magnus smiled at her and patted her on the arm, nudging her toward Alec's room.

"I'll stay with Simon," Magnus said, shooing Alec away. Alec led Clary into his bedroom, begrudgingly acknowledging Magnus' criticism of it. It was fine for him, but it kind of looked like he was leading Clary to her execution, with how dark and stifling everything was. But he couldn't take the chance of trying to do this in his office and run into Jace or Izzy along the way. This was between him and Clary.

"Is everything alright?" Clary asked, breaking the tense silence. Alec tried smiling at her, but he could tell he fell short.

"I wanted to apologize to you." Clary blinked in surprise, opening and closing her mouth a few times as she searched for the words to respond.

"Uh, for what?" Alec blew out a long breath and sat down on the edge of his bed. He had the urge to pace around the room, but that wouldn't help anything. If he looked like a caged animal, this would feel even more stressful than it already did.

"Everything, I guess?" Alec sighed. It would be so easy to say that and leave, claiming he'd put in the effort and made things right. But how could he expect everyone else to put in the work to make their relationship work if he didn't do the same? And if Clary and Jace were going to be together, he needed to make things right with her. In fact, she deserved to hear his words because it was the right thing either way. "Let me start from the beginning."

"Okay," Clary nodded, sitting on the bed next to him. Not too close, but not so far that it looked awkward.

"I'm sorry that I was so hard on you and never gave you a chance. I think I knew on some level that your arrival was going to change everything. I'm not the biggest fan of change," Alec admitted. "It had always been the three of us before, you know? Me, Izzy, and Jace. And I didn't want to lose my place."

"Alec, I would never try to do anything like that," Clary insisted.

"You didn't need to. You fit in so seamlessly with them, like you'd been there all along. And honestly, I was jealous."

"Of me?" Clary asked in shock. Alec wasn't planning on going this deep, but he was on a roll now. What was the point of holding back?

"Even with how close the three of us have been, I've never truly felt like I belong. Like I have to work so hard for everything I've got. But you made it look so easy."

"None of this has been easy!" Clary exclaimed, waving her hands around them. "I still feel like so many things are being thrown at me left and right and I can barely keep up."

"I can see that now, but before I was too caught up in my own crap. And it was easiest to take out my frustration on you, because in my eyes, you were my competition. But you never were. And I'm sorry it took me so long to see that," Alec said softly, flicking his eyes up to meet hers briefly, before staring down at the floor. "You're a good person, Clary. You've proved that many times over, but especially after what happened with your mom."

"Alec, you don't-"

"Please, let me say this," Alec said quickly. He knew this was a sore subject and would never not be, but he needed to get this out. "I promise this will be the last time I talk about this, unless you bring it up first. But, I just- I just need-"

"Okay," Clary murmured, nodding her consent.

"I wouldn't have blamed you if you never forgave me for what happened. No one would've. It may have been a demon, but it was still my hands that did it. The fact that you put that pain aside and kept going shows how strong you are. And the fact that you didn't hold what happened against me. You gave me grace that I don't know if I deserve."

"I know you never would've done it if it hadn't been for the demon. You're not the type to hurt someone, besides yourself," Clary said quietly. Alec sucked in a shuddering breath. "The night of Max's party, when that warlock did what she did, everyone else lashed out at other people. But not you. You were only going to hurt yourself."

"Yeah," Alec whispered, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes.

"I don't know if there's anything I can say that can prevent anything like that from ever happening again, but know that I'm being honest when I say there was never any part of me that held you responsible for what happened. But if you need to hear the words from me, then I'll give them to you. Alec, I forgive you. For what happened with my mom and for everything else," Clary said sincerely. And that almost did him in. Alec pressed his lips together, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. He couldn't start crying now, with everything else he had to do that day. But he hadn't realized how much he needed to hear those words from Clary. And it stole his breath at how effortlessly she was willing to give them.

"Thank you," Alec choked out, as soon as he was able to form the words. He could feel Clary shifting on the bed beside him, unsure of what to do now. Alec didn't really know either, since after a big talk there was always a level of awkwardness. He felt so raw and the idea of having a moment alone sounded great, but how could he suggest Clary leaving without sounding rude? A knock on his door interrupted his thoughts and made them both jerk a little in surprise.

"Saved by the bell," Clary chuckled lightly, brushing quickly at the corner of one of her eyes.

"Bell? I didn't hear a bell."

"No, it's a- nevermind," Clary waved off, standing up and fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "I'll get it." Alec scrubbed his face a few times, trying to erase any evidence of the talk he'd just shared with Clary. If a shadowhunter was looking for him to perform his duties, he needed to have his game face back on. Opening up to his friends and family was one thing, but he still needed to be a solid leader to everyone else. Alec stood up just as Clary opened the door, but froze when he saw who was standing on the other side. His heart started thumping away again from where it had finally settled into something a bit calmer. There was no time like the present for this, right?

"Alec."

"Izzy."