AN: Sorry for the long wait my friends, I appreciate everyone who is still here all these months later. You will get a few chapters in this update and we will only have a bit left until we reach the end of this story.
Pain
There was pain everywhere. Hot and harsh, blazing through his body, grinding upon his bones. Sam couldn't breathe, he couldn't see, couldn't feel anything except the constant present pain, harsher than anything he had felt before. It was hot, so hot, his spine burst, flashes of white lightning expanding out as the knives stabbed again and again into each vertebra. Something inside his head was clawing at his skull, digging through his brain matter, and scratching at the bone, forcing its way out. He tried to move, tried to rip open his skin to let it out but he had no hands, it hurt so bad. Dean, he needed Dean.
"Stop" Sam screamed, or his brain screamed, his mouth did not seem to exist in this world of stabbing darkness. His cry echoed, bouncing into the distance, lost into the inky depths surrounding him, swallowed by the pain.
A deep thud pounded in the darkness, vibrating in his chest, it drowned out all thoughts as it grew louder, the tempo slamming into him with every beat. Thud, thud, thud. Through the foggy pain Sam recognized the rhythm. A heartbeat. Fast, rapid as a war drum. Sam's heartbeat was racing, rapidly trying to catch up to the throbbing skull, to the scorching spine.
Sam was dying
He wished it would hurry up
The pouding continued, growing faster and faster until the restbits between the pain no longer existed. It seemed endless, agonizing. No screams, no room for thoughts, he couldn't escape and it would never stop. It never stopped. It wouldn't matter if he could beg, could plead, could scream, it never stopped.
Until it did. It wasn't like you would expect. No sudden awareness of bliss. Sam had withdrawn so deep into his mind, put up so many walls, that he did not notice when the crashing symbols of noise simply stopped.
"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop" Sam repeated over and over, curled in a ball, eyes shut tight, skinny arms wrapped around his head, pulling at his long hair.
Mary sank to her knees next to the trembling body. She didn't know what had happened to her son, but the abuse evident on his body was enough to make her mind wander into vivid horrors. "It's okay" she whispered, putting a hand on Sam's shoulder. "You're okay now." Sam continued to shake, not registering the touch.

Mary brushed hair away and saw silent tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes shut tight as he continued to repeat the mantra "make it stop, make it stop."
"Oh Sam." Mary wrapped her arms tightly around the small frame, the bones sharp edges apparent in her grasp. "I'm sorry." She whispered, rocking him slowly "I am so sorry my son" She buried her head, letting his hair soak up her tears. "My sweet boy it's okay now."
Sams fingers reached out, finding her cheek pressed against the top of his head. He stroked it, and slowly his mantera stopped. He continued huddled, continued shaking but his breath had slowed down. "Dean?"
"No my love." Mary lifted her head and put a finger to his cheek, returning the stroking gesture. "I know you don't remember, but I'm your mom, Mary."
This caused Sam to open his eyes and look up, brown eyes meeting blue, both glossy with tears. "Mom?" Sam whispered. Blinking. "You're an angel?"

Mary laughed, a bright joyous noise in clear contrast to the situation "No Son," she stroked his hair. "I just pulled some strings to help you out, keep you from getting lost on your way out." She smiled.
"I'm dead." It wasn't a question, almost a sigh of relief. Mary couldn't blame him, not with how she found him. Sam looked around, noticing for the first time their location. Expecting to see some sort of terrestrial space he was surprised to see the back porch of Bobby Singer's house. It was dark, the porch light casting a yellow glow, surrounded by the large flying bugs of the midwest brave enough to fly through the winter chill. Sam wrapped an arm around himself out of instinct, familiar with the temperature of the night, though he felt nothing, not even a breeze touched his skin. "Is this heaven?" Sam spoke with a broken, almost dead voice. Not like in awe or wonder, but out of mild curiosity.
"No, we're not there yet. This is where I found you. You're the one who knows where we are right now."
Sam was sitting up straight now, staring at the screen door that led inside the house. "We're at Bobby's house." He said, moving to stand. "I think Dean's in there."
Mary stood, untangling herself from Sam. "Sam, I think it's best if we just go." Mary said, trying to be gentle. When Sam started for the door she grabbed his arm, slender fingers wrapping around the boney wrist to stop him. Sam looked up, eyes wide and snatched his arm away, holding it protectively.

"Don't touch me." He snapped, his voice rough, he took a small step back.
"Sorry." Mary held up her hand. "I'm sorry, I won't surprise you again." She took a small step towards him, reaching out a hand for him to grab. "Please don't go in there Sammy."
"Why? I need to see Dean." Sam crossed his arms, face determined. A child not willing to give up their favorite toy.
"It will be hard to see him like that." Mary spoke softly. "It will make it harder to leave him."
"Why?" Sam asked again, the anger subsiding into confusion. "I just want to say goodbye."
"Dean just lost his little brother Sam." Mary knelt, eyes to his level, hand still held out in invitation. "He is in the middle of a loss that neither you nor I can help with. It will only cause you pain to see that."
Mary could see when the realization hit sam. Dead. He was dead. "I won't see him again for a long time." Sam said, voice breathy, holding back a tremble. "I might never see him again. Or uncle Bobby, or Dad" Sam looked down at his own hands, fingers intertwining in a nervous fidget.

Mary did not ask permission to move closer and wrap Sam in a hug, blonde locks falling over the boy as she pressed her cheek to his, enveloping him in comfort. "You will, you will see all of them again."

"What if they hate me for leaving?" Sam cried, fingers clinging into her clothes. "What if Dean hates me forever."
"Shhhh" Mary cooed, running a hand through his hair. "Dean could never hate you. He will understand, and it will be hard for him but he will be okay."
Sam continued the hug for a long while, mind racing with anxiety and longing, and a guilt that threatened to drown him. A pebble skipping along the water, desperately trying not to sink into the depths, but knowing it was inevitable.
Mary never broke contact, her gentle mummers and soft touch solidifying him.
"Can I stay?" Sam asked, finally breaking contact to look her in the eyes. "Do I have to go?"
Mary hesitated enough for Sam to know the truth. He moved abruptly, heading towards the door. "Wait!" Mary called, quickly catching up. "You can try to stay Sam but your body is failing, if you don't go you'll be stuck here as a ghost."
"With Dean, I'll be with Dean." Sam said determined.
"You'll go crazy without a body" Mary insisted "You won't be you anymore, you will hurt people." Her voice was desperate, a mother watching as their child falls off the bench, helpless to do anything.
"But my body won't fail" Sam said determinedly as he opened the door and stepped inside.
The porch opened up into the mudroom adjustment to the kitchen. Sam could hear the screaming as soon as he stepped inside, but it was not until he reached line of sight to the living room he saw who was screaming.
The sound was almost bizarre. He had heard Dean scream before. Sometimes it was because Sam hid in the bushes and jumped out. That got Sam a good whack on the head. When Sam was hurt Dean would scream, the frantic scream as someone watching something happen but having no power to stop it. Sam had even heard Dean scream at their dad once. When John wanted to take Sam hunting as soon as he turned 8 Dean had full on screamed, turned red in the face. Sam at the time didn't understand, was even mad at Dean for keeping him from joining in. Sam understood now, and understood Dean was trying to protect him.
This scream though, this was unlike any of those. Loud, incoherent wailing. A series of "No" and "Sammy" and pain. It sent every fiber of Sam into flight mode, whatever could produce a sound so gut wrenching Sam needed to escape from. But it was Dean, it was Dean and so Sam stepped closer.

It was violent, messy, and overwhelming. Sam knew Bobby was there, and someone else, Bobby was grabbing Dean, trying to pull him off something. Dean was violently pushing, struggling.
Sam. Dean was struggling on top of Sam, pushing violently into his chest, pulling away from Bobby's attempts to rangle him. The put in Sam's stomach shot up into his throat, blocking air passage. He couldn't think ,couldn't speak, could't turn his head away from the graphic violence in front of him. Dean continued thrusting, contorting Sam's torso into an inhuman indent as Sam's body lay, pitching up like a ragdoll at every violent encounter.
Sam felt a touch on his hand and spun, Mary was there, face heartbroken at the sight. She tried to say something but Sam couldn't hear her over the screaming. Dean's soul was being crushed, cracking with every failed attempt.
Sam turned back to his body and walked closer. Looking at the small figure, the bruises that covered him. He had forgotten somehow how those bruises had formed, but his chest tightened at the sight, his stomach twisting in a contortion so complicated Sam felt his intestines strain against the pressure. Sam stepped closer until he was right next to his body, reaching out a hand to one bruise in particular along his neck, fingers passing through the flesh. He could hear another screaming now, one harmonizing with Dean. His own soul was screaming out in torment.
He couldn't do it
The pebble sunk into the lake, vanishing into the dark depths as Sam started to walk away, not looking back. Even if he woke up now, whatever used to be a brother to Dean had been destroyed and whatever homunculus creature was left would only cause pain.

Mary took his hand and they walked out.