"It's just sex."

It irritated her when she said that. Just sex. Like sex could truly be so casual and meaningless for a girl like Anna. A girl who adored her best friend and acceded to his every request, who wore her emotions on her face like a giant John Deer green neon sign and didn't know how to be cruel, even to those that deserved it most.

Elsa couldn't endure how aggravated she felt, or the forced goofy grin that Anna wore, a grin that failed to mask the shame in her eyes.

So she kissed her.

She wasn't exactly sure why she did it, but as her lips wetly pressed against Anna's she remembered that first time she saw her bathed in the glow of bonfire all those many years ago, and that spark of attraction that crept up on her under the guise of vexation. As her kiss grew persistent, she pried her way into Anna's mouth, coaxing her tongue between her lips, and drawing a small groan.

It was the only answer she needed to press further; she slid her hands downs her chest, barely grazing them over her small breasts, and ran them down her sides over the fabric of her plaid top. When her hands settled at her thighs, she had to use all her restraint not to force them apart and push her down flat on the bale.

Elsa hadn't realized that she'd built up so many years of frustration. Hadn't realized that she still had those feeling hidden away inside for her. And yet here she was unleashing that contained maddening part of herself and doing the very thing she feared. And it was electrifying, like rousing from a waking dream and realizing that she was, in fact, connected to herself and to the universe.

But it didn't last.

Anna pulled away, gasping loudly as she took to her feet, and anger painted all over her face. It wasn't what Elsa had imagined. She wasn't even sure what she had been expecting, but it certainly hadn't been the angry words that followed.

So she pushed it back in. Locked her heart back into that withered icebox, and gave her cousin the Elsa that she had expected, cold and distant and even a little cruel.

After Anna had gone and Elsa was left alone in the barn, she picked up the book that had been cast onto the floor and tore it in two before throwing it out the loft barn door. She heard the soft thump as the pieces hit the grass below and wondered if summers would always be so painful.

~X~

It began before the summer of Elsa's thirteenth birthday. Her father started coming home reeking of cologne and wine around the same time that his business trips came with more frequency. And her mother took to slamming things: doors, cupboards, drawers. She'd slam the sliding door if it wasn't so difficult to pry open.

The tension in the dining room was palpable whenever both of them were together in the evenings. Dinners were painfully quiet. And when either spoke, it turned into a match of thinly veiled insults masked with tights smiles. Elsa preferred eating on the veranda overlooking the lake in the east wing of the house. From there she could see the moonlight glitter off the water and hear nothing but nature's love song, as frogs and crickets swelled the damp night air with their lyrical calls.

By mid-summer her mother had stopped slamming doors and spitefully maxing out shared credit card accounts. And before July could push summer into scorching and stifling misery, she had become a fixture at their local country club. Elsa hated being dragged along. Hated watching her mother act like a teenager, and shamelessly flirt with other men when they pretended to mistake them for sisters. Men with slick greased hair and smiles too wide, exposing perfect rows of gleaming white teeth.

She hated it and it showed.

"Why don't you bring your cousin along," her mother had offhandedly suggested when she'd complained that there was no one there her age. "I'm sure Anna would come."

But Anna was not yet ten and still played in the mud trouncing after frogs, always running around barefoot in public as if she were strung out on candy bars. She wore twin pigtails and pant overalls, and matched all her outfits with scuffed high-top sneakers that always seemed to be left and forgotten somewhere.

So it had not surprised Elsa when Anna showed up at their doorstep wearing dark blue denim overalls that were rolled up well over her ankles and a black and white checkered collar shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows.

"She looks like a farmer," she'd grumbled quietly to her mother as Anna had made her way toward the house, waving her father goodbye. But her mother had only vaguely nodded at her as she cracked open her vanity mirror and adjusted her far-too-bright lip-gloss.

Elsa had been even more annoyed when her mother left them to wander as soon as they'd arrived at the country club, and took off for a treatment as the spa. Anna had hardly noticed her cousin's annoyed scowl, far too preoccupied gawking at everything they passed.

"This place is like a paradise!" She'd exclaimed as she ran barefoot through the Japanese gardens. Elsa had already resigned herself to the fact that she was basically babysitting, following Anna all over the club to make sure she didn't break anything. And so far she'd knocked over a lamp, misplaced her shoes, and stomped her foot prints all over the sand gardens.

Elsa had stumbled across her cousin's sneakers and was picking them up when she realized that she had become unusually quiet.

About time, she'd thought.

But it was odd, even for Anna, so she had been confused when she looked up to find her standing transfixed and motionless at a secluded corner of the garden hidden by shrubs, with a dark blush coloring her face, masking the freckles that started at the bridge of her nose and tapered past the swell of her cheeks. For that brief moment, Anna looked decidedly like a girl rather than a loud tomboy.

"Anna, what—" did you see? She had meant to ask as she neared. But the sight of her mother, with her back pressed up against a tree, her skirt rolled up and her legs wound tightly around a man as their mouths mashed together wet and sloppy, stopped her.

She felt sick. And in that instant she'd felt her world come apart. A world that had only barely been held together at the seams with lies and false smiles, and had endured through late night shouting matches and doors slammed so hard that they resonated in her chest long after.

They hadn't notice being watched, and Elsa realized, as she met eyes with her cousin, that they would be noticed if Anna voiced the question that was plain on her face. Before she could say anything, Elsa took her by the hand and dragged her away.

The girls were clear out of the gardens when Anna whispered, "Do you think your mom knows that people do those kinds of things here?"

She didn't invite her cousin again after that. In fact, she barely spoke to her at all. Not even the following summer when she refused to join her parents on their trip to Greece and spent most of July and August in the room next to hers. She never joined them after and her mother never fought it or asked her why. Part of her wondered if her mother had seen her and Anna when they ran off after all. She wondered, but she'd also stopped caring.

~X~

She met him the summer before freshman year. Hans with his pretty boy face and his perfectly cut hair, styled with just the right amount of bounce. He didn't have the sideburns back then, but he seemed like the ideal boy-next-door. It was at his end-of-summer party. All his brothers before him had thrown them. Wild, spectacular parties that were talked about for months when school started. And anyone who missed out on one of the Isles Brothers' big bashes wore the badge of shame in the months that followed.

Elsa hadn't wanted to go, but just about everyone she knew was going, so it was expected that she'd go too. She hadn't expected it to turn into a hook up party, couples quickly pairing off. Soon enough it was just her standing by the pool sipping on warm beer in a plastic cup. That was when he approached her. He'd been doing some heavy drinking and couldn't quite hold himself up straight, but he moved toward her with a surprising overconfidence as a group of boys cheered him on.

"Bet he doesn't get her number," one of the boys whispered loudly and a few of them snickered.

"The results are in," Hans told her as he drew near, and Elsa wondered if maybe he was talking to someone else. She looked back, expecting someone to be behind her.

"Yeah, I'm talking to you." He was three feet away now, smiling broadly as he held his cup full of beer close to his chest. "According to our polls, you are definitely the hottest girl here."

She noticed the flashy gold Rolex he wore, and from its loose fitting band, guessed that it probably belonged to his father, maybe even one of his older brothers.

"I think you cracked the face of your watch," she told him aloofly.

"Huh?"

"The face. Your watch. I think it's cracked."

"Wha—?" Drunken confidence quickly drained from Hans' face and was replaced with sudden panic. Without thinking, he turned his wrist up to his face to see for himself, but in the process forgot about the cold beer in his hand and spilled it all over his shirt.

Elsa raised her brows.

"My mistake," she said coolly as she walked away, swallowing back the nerves in her throat. "I must have been seeing things."

The boys laughed and Hans huffed at them as he inanely swiped his hands over his beer-soaked shirt. Trying to keep face, he intended to walk away with some semblance of dignity, but being drunk as he was, he lost his footing and fell into the pool, splashing his drunken buddies.

By her first day of high school, Elsa had already earned herself the nickname of Ice Queen. She was someone to be stared at in the hallways between classes, and whispered about when she walked past. To the student body, Elsa hadn't simply turned down one of Isles Brothers, she had shot him down cold. And in doing so, she had become the unattainable girl that even Hans Isles could not have.

In the summer before senior year, Hans commemorated the last ever Isles Brother summer bash by moving the party to the lake. Elsa had been determined to finally skip it that year, but her friend Jane Porter had just broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to make an appearance to save face.

"I can't do this alone. Zan's probably gonna be there and I don't think I can face him by myself. Please, oh please say you'll come," Jane had pleaded, her accent thicker than usual.

She caved, of course, but was already dreading another year of Hans' persistent pursuit. He'd been chasing her since freshman year, between girlfriends and breakups, and was always pushiest after she'd attended one of his parties. He hadn't changed much since their first encounter, except he was now taller, had grown a pair of ridiculous sideburns, and had learned to sugarcoat his cockiness with charm.

Elsa hadn't been at the party for more than five minutes when she saw him pushing through a crowd of sophomores, asking if they'd seen her around. She quickly turned around, dragging Jane behind her and leading her over to the bonfire at the furthest end where a group of soon-to-be freshman were gathered around a massive bonfire while a few others skipped stones on the lake.

"Isn't that your cousin?" Jane asked, nudging her on the shoulder. She pointed to a girl standing uneasily outside the circle of freshman nursing a can of coke.

She was predictably dressed in baggy jeans and a long sleeved hoodie shirt, but the pigtails were gone. Her hair was longer now, and styled in twin braids. She was still rather boyish with the backwards faded red cap, but her features were more defined than the summer before, her neck long and slender under the wisps of stray hairs that had escaped her loosely knotted braids. And her iridescent blue eyes imparted a solemn reticence as she stood apart from the crowds, with sparks of orange flames from the bonfire flickering in the darks of her eyes.

Although her clothes were designed to conceal her shape, Elsa could make out the delicate feminine curves of her hips and the subtle swell of her chest.

She's quite pretty now, she thought. Just hard to tell under those clothes.

"It's Anna, right? Should we invite her over?" Jane asked.

Elsa wavered at the question. She had barely spoken to her since last August and wasn't sure how she would even approach her without turning it into the most awkward encounter. She had planned to tell Jane not to bother, but she hesitated, Anna's lustrous blue eyes haunting the corners of her thoughts.

"Oh, guess she's fine after all. Looks like one of your admirers has come to the rescue," Jane chided.

It was Kristoff.

They had a few classes together since freshman year and had even partnered up for a couple of assignments, but Kristoff Bjorgman had never said anything to make Elsa think he liked her. And yet Jane was convinced that all the boys in their high school were secretly in love and afraid of Elsa. She never saw it though. Except for Jane, just about everyone annoyed her. They all seemed to expect something from her: Ice Queen, goddess, heartbreaker. Anything but herself, whoever that person might be.

Kristoff never struck her as one of them.

"Can't blame him for trying to score points with you by playing the prince."

When Elsa glared at Jane, she grinned back sheepishly.

"I was really mostly kidding," she admitted, pulling a stray strand of her hair behind her ear.

They watched as Kristoff said something that made Anna laugh. Elsa couldn't hear what was said, but she could hear Anna's laughter carried in the air like a melodic chime. Sweet, yet lonely like summer. Even her laugh was different.

And it annoyed her.

"Oh God, I see Zan," Jane whispered loudly despite the fact that her ex was clear across the bank of the lake, barely getting out of his car. She ducked behind a stupefied Elsa, and peered over her shoulders.

Elsa was about to turn around and tell her how ridiculous she was acting when her name rang sweetly in the air.

"Elsa!" Anna repeated as she jogged toward her, the silvery timbre of her voice a bit raspy from her labored breaths.

She looked like she was planning to run up and wrap herself around her cousin in a tight hug, but as she neared, hesitation flickered in her eyes and she slowed to a stop, suddenly quite shy and uncertain of herself.

"Hey there! I'm Jane," her friend introduced herself, extending her hand from over Elsa's shoulder.

Anna laughed and returned her handshake.

"...and I'm the super talkative best friend to little-miss-serious over here," Jane said as she pinched Elsa's left cheek, eliciting another laugh from Anna.

"You're a freshman now?" Elsa asked politely as she slapped Jane's hand away.

"Yeah, I start next week." Anna suddenly flustered. "I mean, I know we all start next week, because…well because everyone starts next week. But, yeah..."

"Don't worry, she has that effect on everyone," Jane chided. "Every school has to have a goddess, and she's ours."

"Don't listen to her, she's exaggerating." Elsa glared at Jane, and Anna smiled nervously, needlessly tucking back stray hairs behind her ears.

"Well, she's just so pretty," Anna replied timidly and without a trace of irony, unable to meet Elsa's eyes. "So, I can see why, um, why people would think that."

"You hear that Elsa? Now you have your very own adorable farmer fangirl."

Anna burned red and Elsa felt embarrassed for the both of them. Please shut up, Jane.

"Not that you're a farmer," Jane backtracked. "More like…cowgirl? I mean, it's great that you dress in what you like, and it's really a very good look for you."

"I'm wearing a hoodie," Anna mumbled. She looked like she wanted to disappear into the earth. And Elsa was once again reminded why Jane could never keep friends.

"Mr. Callaghan teaches freshman Life Science and junior Chem," Elsa told her cousin, mercifully changing the subject. "He likes it when his students sit up front. He's also crazy about robotics, so don't be shy about showing interest, especially when you're teetering between grades."

Anna tilted her head and looked up thoughtfully at Elsa. She wasn't exactly smiling, but Anna's eyes were warm. "I'll remember that," she answered softly, and she did that nervous thing with her hands again, tucking strands of hair behind her ear. The light from the bonfire burning a short distance behind her outlined a soft golden glow around her form, and Elsa felt a tightness in her chest.

"But I should go," Anna added apologetically. "My friend is waiting for me, and I really shouldn't keep him."

They said their quick goodbyes and went their separate directions. Elsa and Jane hadn't gone far when Anna called after her once more, this time catching her by the arm. It surprised Elsa. Although Anna's hand looked small, her long and slender fingers easily wrapped around her arm, and though her hands were a bit rough, they were warm and gentle.

"Just…thanks," Anna said in a near whisper before she let her go and ran back to where Kristoff stood waiting for her.

Elsa could still feel the imprint of Anna's hand on her skin, and it felt remarkably hot. She barely noticed when Jane, in her paranoia, dragged them off to hide among a group of juniors.

Anna spent the rest of the night talking to Kristoff, and as her shyness wore off, Elsa noted how her arms and hands came alive, her body teeming with energy. And through all that, her nervous babble. Enthused, but never quite masking the insecurities that surfaced with every faltered smile.

"Looks like those two really hit it off," Jane had commented later into the night as Anna and Kristoff played keep-away with a bag of chip. Delight glistened in her cousin's eyes and her cheeks burned red, warmed by the heat from the far-reaching flames.

Elsa agreed but couldn't help casting a confused glance at Anna, and wondered at the irritation she felt by the mere sight of her.

A feeling that continued in the hallways at school whenever they saw each other in passing. Boyish Anna with her timid half-smiles and her look-away glances. Sometimes Elsa would even look back after she passed.

And sometimes, in bed, before sleep took her, a singular memory would creep in and out of her thoughts. Annoying and loud-mouthed Anna looking lonely and lovely under the glow of bonfire.

~X~

"We need to find you a boyfriend," Jane had decided two weeks later when they were eating lunch in their usual booth at the Tommy's across from campus, along with Zan. She was already back together with her skateboarder boyfriend after their month long split and the two were as clingy with each other as ever.

"Zan knows a guy who's interested. I've met him before and I think he'd be perfect for you," Jane went on, and before she could object, she added, "And it would get Hans off your back."

Elsa sighed.

"And when do I meet Mr. Perfect?" She asked, resigned to her fate.

"Tonight," Jane replied grinning from ear to ear. "We're meeting up at the abandoned barn up by Fisherman's Creek. He'll be racing against Hans-"

Before she could finish, their conversation was interrupted by a loud whoop from the other end of the restaurant followed by clapping. When they turned around to see what the commotion was about, they saw Kristoff near the entrance being hive-fived and slapped on the back by a group of street racers from their school.

"And Kristoff," Jane added with a smirk on her face. "He'll be in the race too."

Kristoff beamed widely at the group of boys, bashfully rubbing his neck. Then Anna appeared from behind him, grinning broadly and elbowing him playfully, even as Elsa felt that fluttering irritation in her chest.

"We're going to the bowling alley after school," Elsa vaguely heard Jane say. "You should join us. We can head out to Fisherman's Creek after. Or maybe stop by the arcade before that if we have time to kill."

But Elsa was overwhelmed by the fluttering ache that seemed to expand in her chest until it felt more like a throttle, and the booth like shrinking enclosure.

"I'll be right back," she mumbled to Jane and grabbed her purse before she headed off toward the bathrooms. Once inside, she went straight to the handicapped stall, locked the door and leaned her back into the furthest corner. One breath in, one out.

She counted the tiles on the floor and waited for the buzzing in her head to stop.

Am I a…? She blinked and stopped before she could finish the question in her head. It was a ridiculous notion. And yet it had been slowly slinking its way into the back of her thoughts. One last exhale and she flushed the toilet, mostly out of habit, before exiting the stall.

And slammed straight into Anna.

Elsa was overcome by the scent of light soap and fresh cut grass. It was a bit earthy, like she'd been working in the yard, but there was a sweetness to it, a trace of nectar and lilac intermingled with red peppermint.

"I'm sorry," Elsa mumbled, suddenly feeling quite nervous. She breathed her in one last time before she took a step back, and she was once again greeted by that insecure smile that was as much irritating as it was charming.

"It's okay," Anna bit her lip and ducked into the nearest stall.

She'd wanted to say more, but there really wasn't anything to be said between them. Doing so would probably only lead to awkward conversation while they shifted uncomfortably, waiting for someone to walk in and liberate them from their misery. Elsa could only imagine that Anna felt the same.

When she returned to their booth, Jane gave her a questioning look and Elsa wondered if she looked as unsettled as she felt.

She shook her head. "It's nothing," she mouthed to her friend, mostly hoping that it truly wasn't.

~X~

His name was Ryder. He was slender but broad, like he had spent his evenings in the gym, although he wasn't quite muscled enough to be mistaken for a bodybuilder. Judging by the way he kept leaning over, looking at his reflection in the side mirror of his mustang and running his fingers through his dark brown hair and waggling his brows, Elsa imagined that he spent half his time in the gym admiring his own likeness.

Great, I'm being set up with Narcissus, Elsa groaned inwardly, and wondered how Jane figured that cocky and narcissistic was better than cocky and egocentric.

Ryder had hardly noticed her after Zan introduced them. He seemed more preoccupied with showing off the engine under the hood of his car to his friends. Zan and a few other guys from school were bent over the popped-open hood in serious concentration, almost as if they were engaged in prayer. Ryder had cockily dropped the words '4.6 2V crate engine' like it meant something before she completely tuned him out.

She glared at Jane and Jane returned a look that said, 'And what's wrong with this one?'

To which Elsa replied with a stare that said 'Do you NOT see what I'm seeing?'

'Fine!' Jane's eyes silently grumbled back. She tugged at her boyfriend's shirt and told him they'd be in the barn. The boys barely looked in their direction before they were fixated over the engine again.

Jane linked her arm with Elsa's and the girls walked the short distance up the small hill over to the abandoned barn.

"I'm sorry about that," Jane said as soon as they were out of earshot. "I guess my matchmaking skills could use a little work."

"A little?"

She playfully shoved her elbow into Elsa's ribs.

"Come on, I was trying. I just want to see my best friend be happy and in love, and so disgustingly lovey dovey that it makes me sick.

"What makes you think that I'm not happy now?" Elsa asked, a chuckle outlined in her voice.

"Because I know you," Jane answered, resting her head on the crook of Elsa's neck. "Now if we could only figure out your type."

"I think you can rule out cocky narcissists who love to fondle their goatees," Elsa told her as they entered the dilapidated barn.

And then she saw her. She was next to Kristoff again, like she always seemed to be lately, and she was addressing a group of seniors with a confidence Elsa hadn't seen since they were children. And yet, in her confidence, she shined. There was still a trace of that loudmouthed girl as she spoke, but she seemed so much more grown up now. Still a tad naïve, but free-spirited in a way Elsa could never be and secretly envied.

"Definitely your type," Jane whispered.

Startled and suddenly injected with alarm, she turned and examined her friend's face, then followed her gaze to Kristoff.

"Don't deny it," Jane went on when Elsa didn't respond. "I've caught you making eyes at him a few times ever since he picked up on your cousin. But I wasn't certain of it 'til now." She squeezed Elsa's arm sympathetically. "I guess jealousy was just the thing you needed to finally get you to see it for yourself."

Jane took Elsa's silence for confirmation, but the truth was that Elsa could not give any kind of answer that would not leave her betrayed by her own voice.

I'm afraid to admit it, she realized.

That night under the silvery blue moon, as boys raced for rep and girls cheered them on, Elsa could not deny the feelings that were bubbling to the surface. Her eyes followed Anna, took in all her small gestures and nervous ticks, and marveled at the million funny little expressions that painted her face. She had no filter for emotion, and Elsa wished she could feel a fraction of the passion that Anna wore without pretense.

"Take my jacket," Anna insisted later that night as she took off her gray fleece utility jacket and handed it to Elsa. She must have looked cold to her; anxiously hugging her arms over her chest as she was. She wasn't cold, but she didn't turn it away.

It was still warm from Anna's body heat, and the collar tucked in the warmth around her neck. She pulled the collar over her nose and took a deep impulsive breath. It smelled like Anna, and lilacs, and fresh cut grass. A hot tingle spread in her chest, and Elsa thought she would likely burn.

She'd always known her, all her life she'd known her. And yet she didn't know her at all. She didn't even know herself. But as summer took its last breath at midnight and gave way to September, Elsa knew one thing for certain; she would always long for the scent of fresh cut grass.

to be continued…

Author's Note: I realize that the tone of this chapter was very different, so I just wanted to apologize to my readers for that.