Complexity
Sev woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, very agitated, from a nightmare that fortunately he did not remember, but he did remember the feeling of a bad dream and had a dry mouth. Ugh… what time is it? he thought. It could be twelve or four. In any case, too early, what do I do now? Do I take a sleeping potion to continue sleeping?
It worries me to know that tomorrow I will wake up alone, and I don't even feel like going shopping in London anymore. I had so many options and in the end I was left with none, I fell asleep before six in the evening without even saying goodbye. They must have all been left without knowing what to do, answering a thousand calls, Cecile notifying Hippolyta's family. I didn't even have dinner with my brother.
And I have gone maybe twelve hours without eating anything and still I feel terrible. This has been too much for me, months and months of resisting tension, and when I was finally going to have a break, suddenly this. I no longer think it was such a good idea that they waited until this moment to tell me, they're forcing me to make up with my mother as soon as possible and I don't feel ready at all. And the job at St. Mungo's, ugh... I'll lose it if I don't recover.
Let's see, constructive thinking, think only about the immediate. The first thing I have to do is get up to drink water, my mouth is pasty. He turned on the bedside lamp, on which there was a note.
Sev, it's Cecile. I've stayed overnight in Tuney's room, who's gone to sleep at a friend's house. Come see me when you wake up at whatever time you do. I'm not sleeping, I've stayed up reading because I knew you were going to wake up in the middle of the night, so don't hesitate for a second. Until you go back to sleep I'm not going to do it.
Oof... saved. What time is it? Half past twelve. Well, at least she hasn't been waiting for hours and hours, she probably just went to bed and has enough hours left to sleep until tomorrow. I can take a moment of solitude and reflection before going to see her. For now I'm going to do what I was going to do, drink water.
He went to the bathroom, drank water and also washed his face. He stood looking at himself in the mirror. I'm not even sixteen and a half yet and I already have the expression of an older man, but not in his twenties, but older, thirty or almost forty. I've grown up too fast, I've already lost my youth forever, and even more so with what just happened.
Will I ever believe in the goodness of people again? It took me sixteen years to do so and it's barely lasted six months. Even Hippolyta, in whom I had placed so much hope, is failing me, taking away from me the illusion of pure and innocent love that I had expected from her for a long time. Everyone is selfish, they are all about themselves, they don't really look out for anyone but themselves, their own interests.
Do you know who I really want to talk to? Someone I'm sure isn't like that. Alice, who told me I could call her at any time of the night. But it just so happens that today she's sleeping at my mother's house and if I call I'll wake her up, who has to work tomorrow, and maybe my brother too.
Well, I'll have to make do with Cecile. Let's see if she can live up to it, I really don't know what to say to her. Oh! Another thing, Lauren's letter, maybe it would be the best time to read it, or maybe not, if it was a farewell letter like Jack said. Besides, I can't talk about Lauren with Cecile. I'll leave it for later, maybe when I wake up, if I decide to go to London and I know I'm going to see her.
I would definitely go if I knew I was going to be with Lauren alone, but there are going to be six of us, too many. Maybe we can escape. Ugh… I want to be with Lauren, I would do it with her and all my ills would go away. Of course, my biggest trait is 'unsatisfied lover'.
Well, I'm going to see Cecile, let's see how she takes it, maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised and feel comfortable with her, enough to relax and go back to sleep with the sleeping potion.
He left the bathroom, went to Petunia's bedroom and knocked on the door. A few seconds later it opened.
Cecile was there, she bonded with him, "Sev, honey… how are you? You look really bad."
"I feel terrible, I woke up from a nightmare sweating and feeling really bad."
"Shall we stay here or in your room?"
"It doesn't matter to me, Cecile."
"Let's go to yours, it has the biggest bed."
"Okay."
They went to Sev's room and settled on the bed, sitting against the cushions.
"Tell me, how's everything?" he asked. "I've left everyone hanging."
"I'm not going to tell you anything about that. You haven't left anyone hanging, you've done what you should do, look out for yourself, like everyone else. It's a shame you didn't sleep well, otherwise you'd be as good as new. I've got an idea, do you fancy going for a walk? I love walking at night and it's not cold at all today. You're already dressed and I'll be dressed in no time. I'm sure it'll do you good to get some fresh air, you haven't left the house all day."
"Okay, great idea, I really want to."
"I'm going to get dressed, we'll keep bonding and chatting while I do it," she suggested.
"Okay."
Cecile came out of the bedroom.
"I'll tell you things you might want to know, in case you think someone more appropriate than me to chat with," she said. "You can call any person on the following list at any time of the night: Jack, Deborah, Valerie, Andrew, Paul, Remus, Alice, Frank or Genevre, and you can also wake Lily or her parents."
"Alice too?"
"Yes, Alice too. She said she'd sleep on the couch at your house to answer the Floo or pick up the phone so it wouldn't wake your mother."
"Ugh… then I'm going to call her, please don't let her spend the night on the couch."
Sev put on his coat and trainers and left the bedroom to go down to the dining room.
"Do you want to go see her and surprise her?" Cecile suggested. "Maybe she's not sleeping yet."
"Ugh… no. I don't feel like going to my house, it's the last thing I feel like doing right now."
"Then call her, have her come here and we'll take the walk with her or you can take it with just her."
"The three of us can do it together, although I might bond to chat with her alone," he said.
"Okay, whatever you want. Don't even think about asking her about your mother or your brother. Today, just you."
"Okay, Cecile… I'm unbonding, I'm going to call Alice."
Sev dialed his home number, as soon as he got a ring, they answered.
"Prince?" Alice asked.
"Yes, Alice, it's me. Have my mother and brother gone to bed yet?"
"Yes, yes, they're already asleep."
"Can you come here for a while and we can take a walk with Cecile?" he asked.
"Of course I can go, I'll be there in a minute."
"I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No, no, I was reading," she replied.
"Great."
"Is the space in front of the door free? I mean to Apparate."
"Yes, yes it is," Sev replied.
"Then I'll go right away."
They hung up, he rebonded with Cecile. "That's it, Cecile, Alice has been warned."
"I'm coming down now, I'm putting my trainers on. Do you want to tell me anything else while she arrives?"
"I don't even feel like going to London tomorrow anymore."
"Oh... What are you going to do all day if you don't go, Sev?"
"I just don't feel like being with so many people at once."
"Then go with them and once there you'll only be with whoever you really feel like being with."
"But I depend on Valerie and Jack to get there and back," he objected.
"Then just meet them to get there and back, they'll understand."
"And Hippolyta?"
"Sev, we said that today is just you."
"Okay…"
"Hippolyta has it easy, when she shows up here in the morning you explain it to her, and if she doesn't want to go, she can go back home."
"But Paul is going to be teaching Occlumency to his mother."
"Sev, Hippolyta grew up without siblings, she knows how to find a way to keep herself entertained. Let her read, study, or go for a walk."
"True."
"Don't be dependent on anyone and avoid anyone being dependent on you."
"You're absolutely right."
Alice Apparated and bonded with him. They got closer to each other, he unbonded from Cecile.
"Prince, sweetie… you look bad," she said to him. "You feel bad, don't you?"
"Yes, Alice, I feel terrible, my body is very bad."
"Your stomach?"
"Yes, my mouth is pasty," answered Sev.
"And you haven't eaten anything since two in the afternoon. You're getting sick. Do you have a weak stomach?"
"I do."
"Do you often vomit?" she asked.
"Never, since I was little until yesterday I didn't."
"And today you ate normally, right?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Yesterday you were touched and today's meal made you feel bad. If you vomited you would feel better immediately, but if you don't, the food makes you sick."
"Ugh…"
"Let's go to the kitchen, let's see if Violet has chamomile, it's very good for the stomach," suggested Alice.
They went into the kitchen.
"Sit down, come on, I'll look for some," she offered.
Sev sat down. "The tea is in that cupboard over there," he pointed it out.
Cecile also came into the kitchen and asked them out loud, "Guys, can I bond?"
"You can, Cecile," he replied.
She bonded with them.
"Put some water on, Cecile, I'm looking for some chamomile for Prince," Alice told her.
"The pots are in that cupboard over there, Cecile," Sev pointed it out to her.
She took out a pot and put some water on to heat.
Meanwhile, Alice found the chamomile and said, "There's chamomile, how nice. These Muggle mums never fail, we wizards are too used to potions for everything." She handed him a little bag. "Smell it, Prince, you'll see how wonderful it is."
He smelled it. "Wow… that's right, I love it."
"And you'll like the taste too, bitter, because it's not good to take it with sugar or honey."
"Oh…"
"It's a very small flower," she explained. "Before magic potions and Muggle medicines were invented, people cured themselves with remedies like that, almost all of them plant-based, it was the wizards who knew about them and some have survived in popular culture."
"Of course… Moon Magic. The first branch of magic to develop was the one dedicated to healing."
"And we didn't bring that book from Hogwarts, did we?"
"Not that I know of," Sev replied.
"Well, it would have been great for Professor Belby."
"Of course."
"Maybe Deborah thought of it, she thinks of everything," Alice supposed.
"True."
"You're going to have to go on a soft diet for a few days."
"What's that?" he asked.
"Eat only boiled and very light things. Potato, white fish, fat-free chicken broth, fresh cheese, and nothing fried or raw or in large quantities. You can only eat grated apple raw."
"Ugh… I'm going to die of hunger."
"Yes, you will be a bit hungry, but you have to take care of yourself," she recommended. "If you don't stop it you can get gastroenteritis and spend weeks with a stomach ache every time you eat."
"Ugh… And I'm going to give Violet even more work by having to cook special meals for me."
"Do it yourself."
"I could do it tomorrow and Sunday, but not on Monday, I have to go to the hospital," objected Sev.
"Well, I'll come and do it for you."
"Thanks, Alice. I can't go to London tomorrow, we were going to eat out."
"Take the food from here, in a lunch box," suggested Alice.
"But I don't know if Violet has any at home. They haven't gone shopping today, I guess they'll go tomorrow."
"Well, there are always potatoes and apples in the houses, there are the apples, can't you see them?"
"And am I going to eat only potatoes and apples all day?" he asked.
"And at night fish."
"Ugh… I'm going to lose weight again, now that I was at a good weight."
"The same thing happens to me, we're at such a tight weight that we lose it at the slightest thing," she said. "We could both use a few extra pounds."
"Ugh… I'm fine as I am…"
"You're not so fine if you lose it at the slightest thing, and think about one thing. I'm not going to grow any more, but you will, you have to gain more weight. As soon as you recover, a caloric diet. You've been very worn out lately and next year will be similar. Take advantage of the summer, when you can eat whatever you want, to gain a few extra pounds, five or six, to have reserves. Don't gain them with fat, but with protein, meat and fish."
"And I was thinking of becoming a vegetarian," commented Sev.
"Don't even think about it, not until you stop growing. Vegetarians need food supplements that you won't get at school, there is an essential vitamin that is only present in meat."
"Oh…"
"The water is already boiling," warned Cecile.
"The cups are there," he pointed out.
Alice took out a cup and put the bag in it, Cecile poured the water over it.
"Now you drink this, and if after the walk your discomfort has passed, eat a grated apple," suggested Alice. "It's not good for you to spend so many hours on an empty stomach."
The two of them sat down with him at the table.
"Do you remember your nightmare, Sev?" Cecile asked him.
"No, I almost never remember dreams. Tell me more things that interest me while this cools down."
"Everything Lily and your brother brought you is stored in the closet in your room. He had to go in to get his things to go sleep with your mother while you were sleeping."
"Of course…"
"And then I also went in to leave you my note," she continued. "But you can see that we were very careful not to wake you up."
"Well, it would have been nice if you had done that, you should have let me take a nap and called me for dinner."
"It's better that you didn't have dinner, Prince, being as you are," Alice told him.
"True, but, in any case, they should have woken me up. What am I doing all night now?"
"Take sleeping potion and go to sleep."
"I'm going to sleep so much that tomorrow night I won't be sleepy," he lamented.
"Don't sleep so much, wake up early, at seven, for example."
"I don't want to wake up alone."
"Well, I'll sleep and wake up with you, Sev," Cecile offered.
"Okay."
"When we wake up, we'll talk or read."
"Great, but then you'll sleep very little," he objected.
"Sev, we said that today is just you. I'll take a nap or sleep the next night."
"I should have asked for Restorative Potion to be brought from home."
"I could have also asked Lily for it and I didn't, don't worry about that," she reassured him. "Tomorrow is the weekend and I'm on holidays, a night of little sleep is absolutely fine. And stop worrying about others once and for all."
"It's okay. I can't talk about almost anything if I can only talk about myself. I think about others all the time."
"I understand you," Alice told him. "It's the same for me, and that's why I can think of a lot of things to say about you."
"Well, start if you want, Alice."
"I prefer to wait for the walk."
"I prefer it too, that's why I didn't bring it up. And with the flugelhorn and what Deborah brought me, what happened?"
"It must have been left in the living room," said Cecile.
"Ugh… on top leaving my stuff around."
"Sev, that's enough," Cecile got a bit tough. "Are you even going to worry about that?"
"Yes, because I hate mess and I'm not in my house. The least I can do is show some respect in that regard to the people who take me in."
"Okay, okay, Prince," Alice intervened. "Don't be a maniac and don't torment yourself, they're just some objects that are in a corner and don't bother anyone. You don't leave dirty clothes lying on the floor or leftover food on the furniture. You'll pick it up tomorrow."
"And it's not like you have much space in the room you're living in, Sev, so don't worry if the instruments are left in the living room," Cecile reassured him. "That's where you're going to play, it's spacious and they don't bother anyone. By the way, we forgot to give you the flugelhorn and trombone mutes we already bought for you."
"Oh, thanks, Cecile."
"I have them in Tuney's room, when we go up to bed I'll give them to you."
"Great, that way I can practice without disturbing too much."
"Do you want a trombone lesson on Monday afternoon at my house?" she asked.
"Yeah… that would be great, and we can continue playing with your mother."
"Great, then we'll call the teacher tomorrow. What time is good for you?"
"Morning's session at the lab is from eight-thirty to twelve-thirty, but Violet doesn't get home from work until almost one-thirty," he replied. "Now that I think about it, I'll definitely have time to make my own food if it's just boiling. You don't need to come, Alice."
"It wouldn't be a problem for me, huh?" she said. "I get bored stiff at home."
"Don't you help your mother with the housework?"
"We have a servant."
"You too?" asked Sev.
"Yes, boy, yes. She doesn't live in, but she comes every day to clean, wash clothes, cook… etc., etc."
"Oh…"
"A useless expense, I could take care of it myself, but of course, I'm not home all year round and my parents are old," added Alice.
"Do you have siblings?"
"Yes, two brothers. They don't live at home anymore, we're quite a few years apart, I was the unexpected baby."
"Oh…"
"The spoiled child," she said.
"You're not at all."
"In the times we've lived in, we've all had to mature at a forced pace."
"Of course," he agreed.
"Come on, drink that now, it must have cooled down enough by now. Take small sips, huh? Let's see how it makes you feel, maybe you'll throw it up too."
Sev took a sip of chamomile tea and continued drinking it slowly.
"Does it still burn?" Alice asked him.
"No, it's perfect, I like very hot infusions," he answered.
"And the taste, what do you think?"
"I love it, I think it's going to be great for me. You should have made some for yourselves too."
"Yes, it didn't occur to me," she said. "What I was saying, if there's someone in trouble I don't remember myself."
"And the water would have taken much longer to boil, Sev, and you were in a hurry," said Cecile.
"Of course, that too," said Alice.
"About what we were saying about maturing quickly," he said. "I looked in the mirror and I think I have the face of a forty-year-old man."
"Well, Sev, you look awful today, it's because you feel bad," Cecile reassured him.
"No, that's not it, I'm not referring to my appearance, but to the expression that reflects what I feel inside. I feel like I've been through it all, that I have no hope again, that I've been disappointed in my relationships with almost everyone around me. I feel very empty."
"Ugh… I know what you mean," Alice said. "And now you're forcing me to start talking about one of the many things I wanted to tell you. Prince, get used to that feeling. Being essentially alone is inherent to human beings, in reality communion with others is a mirage. We are so complex that we can only really know and understand ourselves. We are born, live and die alone."
"Of course…"
"And in your case, that gets worse, because you are so far above all of us that you will never find anyone at your level, neither for the experiences you have had nor for the depth of what you feel and transmit."
"Oh…"
"Only with people who have suffered and survived it like you, you might find something similar to a soul mate, but of course, that is very difficult to find, you have to have the blessed chance of coinciding in your journey through life with someone like that," she continued. "And I won't even mention finding it among people of our age, it is extremely difficult."
"Ugh… Well, you seem that way to me, Alice."
"Don't be confused, Prince, I don't speak from personal experience, I speak from hearsay, because I have read a lot of philosophy and I have reflected on it, but I have not experienced it in my own flesh as you have. I'm not at all surprised that you feel you have the soul of a forty-year-old man, because your life has been so intense in the bad sense that you have gathered bitter experiences not for forty, but for a hundred. Have you not come to feel at the level or even above Dumbledore in that aspect?"
"In that and in many more."
"Well there you have it, you even beat him in experience and in how you have channeled it. Are you not forming an excellent duo with Minerva, who could be your mother, and she considers you her equal?"
"Indeed, that's right," he confirmed.
"Well the same, Prince. Get the idea, Peter already told you yesterday, that not even he, having suffered in his childhood and being over forty years old, can reach you. You will be intrinsically alone, so enjoy what others can offer you, but do not be demanding of them, because it is not their fault that they have not suffered as you have and have thus had the opportunity to overcome it and build themselves as people as you have had. And do not let that loneliness torment you, because you are the example and the food that all of us around you feed on. You are the star of the system, the sun around which the planets revolve, or better yet, as Sirius told me on the Express, the black hole that is found in the center of the galaxy and that constitutes the point around which everything revolves, all the rest of the suns with their planets."