OCTOBER 12, 1995 - 11:38pm
There had always been something about a dark room lit only by the light emanating from the fireplace, and a chilled glass of Pinot Grigio that made Maddie introspective. As she sat in her eerily quiet living room, hearing only the occasional crackling of the fire, she suddenly felt devastatingly alone. Growing up as an only child she always longed for what all of her friends seemed to have - a house filled with rambunctious children laughing and playing, pots and pans clanging in the kitchen as mom tried to simultaneously yell at the children to calm down and prepare dinner, dad walking in the door from work almost tripping over running kids as he attempted to follow the heavenly smells coming from the kitchen. To young Maddie it had seemed like controlled chaos, but still preferable to the quiet and lonely existence she knew at home. Sure her parents were attentive and loving, but she had always silently longed for a home with a little more life in it. She swore to herself that when she grew up she would have as an adult what she didn't have as a child.
But as John Lennon once said, Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. Before she knew what happened, she was jet setting around the world as a successful model, going from one place to another, never really staying anywhere long enough to put down roots and call it home. Suddenly she woke up one day and she was a thirty year old woman, way past her prime in the modeling industry, who had heaps of money in the bank, a string of disastrous and short-lived relationships in her past, and further away from her childhood goal then she would have ever thought possible. It was at that point she decided it was time to put the same drive and determination that had made her a successful model into taking the first step towards making her childhood oath a reality. She had always loved the sunshine and atmosphere of Southern California, and when she happened to run into an old colleague at a society party who was selling his Bel-Air home so he could retire in Paris, she immediately made him an offer on the house he couldn't refuse. Sure, she probably paid him more than the house was worth, but to Maddie no price was too high in order for her to finally have someplace she could call home and a chance at living out her childhood fantasy. Even after her slimy accountant ran off with all her money and all her so-called friends had disappeared like smoke in the wind, her home ended up being the only thing she had left. …Well, not the only thing. But thinking about that other thing brought up memories so bittersweet she wasn't sure there was enough alcohol in the world to numb the heartache she knew would overwhelm her if she chose to let her mind wander down that particular rabbit hole.
Her unfortunate reality at this moment was the fact that she is a forty-five year old woman with a big empty house that never really became the home she had always longed for. There was a time she thought she was moving toward her fantasy, when she felt it was within her grasp. Sadly, that dream had been callously ripped away from her before it was ever even realized. After she poured what would be her sixth glass of wine for the evening, she couldn't stop or control the gut-wrenching sobs that began to escape from the depths of her lonely, shattered heart. She cried for all the opportunities she let slip through her fingers, for all the years she wasted trying to control her life instead of live it, but most of all she cried because she knew deep down she had no one to blame except herself. To the outside world, she made sure she appeared to be the woman who had it all. Successful, beautiful, intelligent, resilient, and happy. Sure she might actually, on some level, be most of those things, so she didn't really struggle much to keep up appearances, but the one thing she found herself having to pretend at was being happy. As she unsteadily and ungraciously managed to extract herself from her perch in front of the fireplace, leaving the full but forgotten wine glass behind, she began to realize that she had a hard time remembering a time in her life when she allowed herself the chance to be really, truly happy.
Slowly and clumsily making her way up the spiral staircase toward her bedroom, she gently wiped at the tears still streaming down her cheeks. As she poured herself into bed, pulling the blankets up over her head, she wished for the delightful numbness of sleep to envelop her as quickly as possible. Maybe, just maybe if she was lucky, when she woke up this night of overthinking would be over and the sadness that was wrapping itself around her like a dark cloud would be chased away by the dawning of a new day.
As Maddie felt the beginnings of sleep wrap around her weary mind and aching heart, she was startled awake by very loud music emanating from the first floor of the house. For a brief moment she thought she had simply forgotten to turn off the radio before heading to bed, until it dawned on her that she had never even turned the radio on. Maddie threw back the covers she had tried to bury herself in and angrily climbed out of bed fully intending to chastise whoever or whatever had so rudely interrupted her descent into the mind-numbing sleep she so desperately craved. However, when she heard the unmistakably soulful voice of Sam Cooke asking for somebody to come and ease his troubled mind, she stopped dead in her tracks and suddenly felt as if she had been punched so hard in the gut that all the air had left her body and her heart was now located somewhere in her trachea. Years ago Maddie had gathered every album in her record collection which reminded her of him, buried them inside a box, and shoved that box into the darkest corner of her attic with the intention of never opening it again until the devil started slinging snowballs in hell. Initially she had taken that box of records straight out to the curb to be picked up on trash day, but for some reason (one she had no desire to analyze,) she just couldn't seem to part with those damn records; so off to the attic they went never to be seen or heard again … until now.
Trepidatiously Maddie made her way out her bedroom door to the top of the spiral staircase. When she looked down over the ledge into the front foyer, she saw a haunting yet beautiful white glow radiating from the living room. As if drawn by an unseen force, Maddie made her way tentatively down the stairs, her soul following the bluesy baritone of Mr. Cooke and her brain following the white glow. Once at the bottom of the staircase, her hands still firmly clinging to the banister, she cautiously leaned her head in an attempt to see into the living room. Although still apprehensive and, if she was brutally honest, more than a little curious, Maddie looked around the foyer for anything she could use to protect herself from what she might find as she made her way towards the living room. Finding nothing useful, Maddie grabbed an umbrella from the holder next to the front doors. She rolled her eyes at herself knowing full well an umbrella was no match for whatever or whoever she might find. I guess something is better than nothing, she thought shrugging her shoulders as she made her way into the living room holding the umbrella slightly above her right shoulder as if it was a baseball bat.
Hesitantly she tiptoed forward until her bare feet left the cold tile of the foyer and came in contact with plush carpet. What she saw as she turned the corner made her heart rate accelerate and the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. There before her was a tall, dark haired man in what appeared to be a light gray suit standing with his back to her staring out the window next to the fireplace, one arm resting casually on the mantle. As somewhere in the distance Sam Cooke crooned that a change is gonna come, Maddie stealthy approached the unwelcome stranger, umbrella still in hand ready to swing. However, before she could get near him, she was stopped dead in her tracks by a voice that somehow sounded oddly familiar.
"An umbrella, Maddie? Really? Are you expecting it to start raining right here in your living room?"
Maddie stood in stunned silence, her eyes darting multiple times from the still unidentified man to the umbrella and back again. How could he have known I'm carrying this stupid umbrella? He never even turned around. Nevertheless, confusion soon turned into indignant ire.
"Who the hell are you and how the hell did you get in my damn house?!"
Maddie's outrage only grows when the only response to her angry query is a soft but obvious chuckle. Then, as if the unwelcome visitor is standing on an invisible turntable, he turns around to face her. Once the two are face to face, she can get a clearer look at the man invading her home. His face was long and distinguished despite the mischievous grin he wore. The entire crown of his head was completely bald but on the back of his head, leading down into a full beard, was dark brown hair sprinkled with gray patches. There was a twinkle in his eye that made him seem both comforting and unsettling at the same time.
"Well, now I'm hurt. Don't you remember me?"
Maddie opened her mouth to berate this arrogant intruder, but no sound escaped. Her mind began to twist and turn in a valiant attempt to identify this oddly familiar stranger. She wasn't sure exactly how much time had passed while her brain worked overtime, but out of the clear blue a memory from years ago popped into her head and she knew exactly who had disturbed her all too depressing night. "Albert?"
Albert waves his arm out in front of himself before bringing it into his waist and giving a slight bow. "One guardian angel at your service."
"But…but…I thought you were just part of a weird, but definitely memorable, dream I had once a long time ago." Maddie softly chuckles to herself thinking she's got everything all figured out. "That's what this is isn't it? This is a dream. A few too many glasses of good wine and a few too many bad feelings…poof I dream myself up a guardian angel." By this point Maddie's words are dripping with sarcasm. "So tell me Albert, what It's A Wonderful Life, this is what would've happened scenes do we have on the menu for tonight's dream sequence?"
"Maddie, Maddie, why so cynical? Oh that's right, I forgot. You don't believe in anything you can't make sense of. And you wonder why you can't remember a time you allowed yourself to be really, truly happy."
Maddie immediately felt insulted, less by the derision in his tone, but more by the truth of his words. I'm not about to be lectured to by a figment of my own imagination. "I've been happy! I am happy! Don't tell me I've never been happy when I know I am happy!"
Albert just sadly shook his head the way a disappointed parent reacts to a perpetually stubborn and petulant child. "Really?" Albert snapped his fingers and instantaneously an image of Maddie from earlier that evening appeared before her. There she was sitting on her couch, her head in her hands, her shoulders shaking as she cried, a half empty wine bottle and empty wine glass sitting on the coffee table. The image was fuzzy, but clear enough to feel the sadness permeating the air. Albert looked at current Maddie and pointed at past Maddie. "Is that what you call happy?"
As Maddie looked at her remembered self she knew Albert was right, but she remained silent not wanting to give him the satisfaction of admitting it. She felt tears begin to form behind her eyes, but refused to let them fall. She decided offense was the best defense. "That was just a single moment of weakness and you are a certified asshole for trying to use that to prove some kind of point." Then she said under her breath, low enough that she was sure he couldn't hear her. "Figures. I dream up a guardian angel and even in my dreams he's a jerk."
Albert snapped his fingers again and the scene in front of them dissolved. At this point Albert was getting a bit perturbed and the tone of his voice made his agitation evident. "We need to get a few things clear right now. One, pointing out something that is true but makes you uncomfortable does not make me a jerk. It simply makes you in denial. Two, this is not a dream. If you want to believe it is then that is your prerogative and I'm not going to try and convince you otherwise. I know it wouldn't do any good anyway. Thirdly, and finally, I'm not here because I want to be. I thought I got through to you the last time I paid you a visit, but watching your actions in the months and years afterwards I came to realize you are too obstinate for your own good so I checked out on you about six years ago to focus on others who were open and willing enough to appreciate my interventions." Albert crossed his arms and stared at Maddie, his brown eyes shooting daggers at her as if he was daring her to argue with him.
When she heard the steel in his voice and saw the fire in his eyes, Maddie uncharacteristically decided to back down. Despite what Albert said, she still believes this is all a dream, but with a level head she decides she doesn't want this dream to turn into a nightmare. She relaxes her posture and attempts to remove as much of the sarcasm and disparagement from her voice as possible. The storm clouds behind her blue eyes disappear only to be replaced with confusion. "If you gave up on me, as you say, and you don't want to be here… then why exactly are you here?" You're here because I dreamed you up, Maddie thought. However she was smart enough not to voice her thoughts. Besides, her interest was piqued, wondering where exactly this dream was going.
Albert, knowing exactly what Maddie is thinking, (being an angel has its perks) couldn't help but smile. In all the centuries he has been a guardian angel, Maddie Hayes has been the most infuriating, but interesting, charge to have been put in his care. "Well see, I was sent here by my boss, aka the big guy himself. For some reason he seems to have a soft spot for you."
"Me? What could be so special about me? For crying out loud, I don't even believe…"
Immediately Albert cuts Maddie off before she can complete her statement. "I know, I know. You don't believe in a higher power, or divinity, or god or whatever you want to call it. No one is asking or expecting you to. However that doesn't stop him from believing in you. In fact, that's why I'm here. I was sent here give you a gift … well, more like an opportunity."
Maddie looks at Albert as if he's grown a second head and that second head is speaking a language she doesn't understand. She attempts to ground herself by closing her eyes and taking a few calming breaths. "For the sake of argument, let's pretend I'm able to suspend reality enough to believe this is real and not a dream, that you're a guardian angel and were sent here by him because he believes in me and now I'm being granted some kind of opportunity. Let's say I buy into all of that. What sort of opportunity could he possibly give me? What did god become a genie and now he's going to show up and grant me three wishes?"
Albert once again chuckles and shakes his head at Maddie's ever-present skepticism. "No, nothing like that." Albert slowly approaches Maddie, gently takes her hand and leads her over to the couch, gesturing for her to sit down. Once she does, he sits down beside her and turns to face her. When he speaks again his voice is soothing. "Every so often the big guy uses the power of his divinity to balance the scales of destiny a little bit. What you've been dealing with for the past six years, these feelings of loneliness and sadness, of loss and emptiness; this is not what was written in the cards for you. This was not supposed to be your fate. One decision, one fork in the road where you went left instead of right led you to where you are now."
Maddie feels her heart clench and a lump form in the back of her throat. She wants nothing more than to stomp her feet and scream at Albert telling him how wrong he is about her feelings, how she is perfectly fine and content with her life, but she can't seem to bring herself to muster the defense she wants to mount. Mostly because she knows her words will sound hollow, even to her own ears. The best she can do is fall back on the biting sarcasm she has always used as a shield and sword to protect her innermost fears and feelings. "So what is this terrible decision I made that somehow changed the trajectory of my life? When did I screw up so bad that now even the almighty feels the need to step in and correct my horrible mistake?"
Albert ignored the snide tone in her words knowing the only way to try and get her to see the seriousness and significance of the moment was to show her instead of tell her. So he stood from the sofa in the living room and walked toward the front doors of the house, signaling to Maddie that she should follow him. When they both reached the doors Albert spoke. "All you have to do is open the door and walk through."
Maddie hesitated for a moment then shrugged her shoulders. I guess the only way to get through this dream is to play along. When she opened the door she was greeted by a white light. Not bright enough to blind her, but bright enough that she couldn't see anything on the other side of the door. She took one last glance at Albert, turned and walked through the door to whatever awaited her on the other side.
After stepping over the threshold of her front door, the white light around her disappeared and Maddie found herself not standing on her front porch as she would have expected. Instead she was standing on a dark, deserted sidewalk staring out at an equally deserted street, the only light coming from a nearby street lamp and a red neon sign flashing behind her. As she slowly takes in her surroundings, realization begins to dawn on her and immediately Maddie knows where she is. Glancing down at the pale pink silky button down shirt and pink slacks that have replaced the nightgown she was wearing a scant moment ago, Maddie knows without a doubt exactly when she is. Like a tidal wave hundreds of emotions overwhelm her, some joyous, some miserable. It had been years since she had allowed herself to think about this time in her life. Years since she allowed herself to think about…
Without any conscious thought over her actions, Maddie turned around to look through the plate glass windows of the laundromat she knows is behind her. Eyes stinging with tears, her lips whispered only one name. A name that had once been both her affliction and her remedy. "David."
What she saw through the window made her heart weep and her soul ache. There was David in his gray sweater and jeans, sitting on the floor leaning back against one of the washing machines, his elbows on his bent knees and his face buried in his hands. The scene was only made more somber by the fact that the overhead lights in the laundromat were off and he was only illuminated by the flashing red neon open sign in the window. The David she's looking at is not the David she remembers. This is not the cheeky, fun-loving, crude but caring man from her memories. This man looks despondent and exhausted. Although Maddie remembers this day as if it was yesterday and not almost seven years ago, what she's seeing before her is not part of that memory. It's in that moment she realizes the reason she doesn't remember this particular scene. When she walked out of that laundromat so many years ago, she never had the courage to look back at David after she left. Looking at him now her heart aches for him, even more so because she knows exactly how their story ends.
Unable to fully process the bevy of emotions raging inside of her, Maddie turns so her body is once again facing toward the still silent and deserted street. She looks up and is mildly startled to see Albert standing there staring at her. For a brief moment she had forgotten all about him, her thoughts and emotions wrapped up in laying eyes on David again for the first time since Blue Moon closed its doors. But like a splash of cold water in the face, Albert's presence brought back into her consciousness the apparent reason she was standing there in this particular place at this particular time. One decision, one fork in the road where you went left instead of right.
Maddie just stared at Albert for a few moments looking for some word, some phrase to articulate the swirl of thoughts and emotions running through her body, but when she finally opened her mouth to speak, only one question crossed her lips. "Why?"
Albert smiled a knowing smile. It was as if he had been waiting for this moment for an eternity. Although it was only a simple question, Albert knew it was fraught with far deeper meaning than its simplicity implied. He knew she wasn't asking why she was feeling the way she felt or why he had brought her to this particular moment. No, she needed to know why this moment was her fork in the road. Why this decision changed the entire course of her life. "I brought you to this place, this time because when it mattered the most, not just to you but to him," Albert nodded toward the image of David sitting on the floor of the laundromat, "you followed your head instead of your heart. You chose logic over love; doubt instead of hope; fear instead of faith."
Maddie stood silently in front Albert absorbing every word he was saying knowing deep down he had hit the proverbial nail on the head. She turned her back towards Albert in an attempt to hide the embarrassment in her eyes, but that just caused her to end up staring directly inside the laundromat at David. She was starting to feel emotionally and physically exhausted by this point so when she finally spoke she knew her words would be coated with that exhaustion and just a sprinkle of resignation. "So you've brought me here to show me this life-altering decision. Great. So I came, I saw, I cried. What am I supposed to do with all this?"
"Change it."
"Change it?"
"Remember when I said I was sent to offer you an opportunity? Well, this is the opportunity ... if you want it. As of this moment the last eight years only exist in your memory. Right now it is 2:30 in the very early morning hours of September 30,1987."
"But what if I like my life? What if I don't want this opportunity?" As Maddie speaks, she gets more agitated and her words start coming faster and faster. Soon she is pacing back and forth as her thoughts spill forth. "Do you have any idea how long it took me to put this part of my life behind me? And now you are basically asking me to relive it. What if I take this chance and everything still goes horribly wrong? I don't think I can survive living through some of those moments again."
Albert abruptly steps in front of her to stop her pacing and simply smiles at her. "Maddie don't you get it? This is your chance to change your future, your destiny. All the things that happen from this moment forward are up to you. If right now you look back on times that you wish were different, now is your chance to change the outcome."
Maddie looks into Albert's smiling, hopeful eyes and can't hold back the tears in hers. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she manages to find the strength to utter her deepest fear. It's the very fear that has single-handedly built the wall around her heart brick by brick. "But what if say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, make the wrong choices?" She frustratedly wiped the tears off her cheeks and her voice became quieter still. "What's even worse is, what if I go back and end up making even worse choices than I did before? How can I ever know anything for sure?"
Albert gently grabbed Maddie's shoulders. "One of the most beautiful, and frustrating, things about life is that we can never know anything for sure. But I will give you a little friendly piece of guardian angel wisdom … whenever you have a choice to make, always lead with faith and always let your heart do the talking. Sometimes you might not always get what you want, but if you try you might find out that you get what you need."
Maddie couldn't help but smile at the particular phrasing Albert chose. "Well thank you Mick Jagger."
"Hey, you didn't think he came up with a line that good without a little angelic inspiration did you?"
As the brief moment of levity passed, Maddie turned to once again let her eyes fall upon the image of David still sitting with his head in his hands. It was that moment when the weight of the moment fell heavy on her heart. Although she never took her eyes off of David, she spoke to Albert. "So how exactly does this work? How am I supposed to change the outcome?"
Knowing Maddie wasn't looking at, or really paying any attention to him, Albert allowed himself a small outward celebration by pumping his fist in the air just once. Finally, he thought to himself.
After his little mini celebration, Albert cleared his throat and gave Maddie the final push she needed. "The last time you played this scene, you allowed the fear and doubt in your mind to overtake you and you ran as far and as fast as you could. Maybe this time you walk back through those doors and lead with faith. Faith that everything will turn out right. Faith that if you let yourself fall, he'll be there to catch you."
"What do I say?" When Maddie waited a short while for Albert's response, but was still met with silence, she turned around to find Albert was gone. She was all alone there on the street when she heard Albert's voice on the wind. Let your heart do the talking.
Maddie took a single step forward, making her close enough to reach out and put her hand on the window of the laundromat. As she stared at David through the glass, she began to feel so many old emotions returning to her. There was apprehension, fear and ambivalence. However, there was also appreciation, giddiness and overwhelming love. She closed her eyes and took a cleansing breath hoping to calm her nerves and steady herself for what she knew she was about to do. What have I got to lose. After all, this is all a dream. Hell, even if it isn't, at least I'll hopefully get the chance to have him smirk at me just one more time. I always was a sucker for that smirk.
Taking Albert's advice and stepping out on faith, Maddie made her way to the double glass doors of the laundromat, and with a level of confidence she hadn't felt in a long time, she walked through.
Maddie's heart both soared a little and broke a little. Being this close to David Addison again after so many years felt like heaven, but seeing how dejected he looked and knowing she was the reason, made her feel like hell. Still somehow those conflicting feelings made her more determined to try and do things right this time. As she nervously walked toward David, the click of her heels on the linoleum must have drawn his attention because out of the blue he looked up. She expected when their eyes met she would be greeted with his ever-present grin. Unfortunately this time that was not the case. Seeing the sadness in his normally twinkling green eyes made her ache.
When he didn't make a move to stand Maddie decided her normal stubbornness needed to take a back seat. Maybe it's about time the mountain came to Mohamed. With that thought, she made her way over to him and slid her back down the washing machine beside him until she was sitting on the floor with him, shoulder to shoulder. Easily, and without much thought, Maddie leaned over and rested her head on David's shoulder.
She searched her brain for any words to break the tension-filled silence between them, but everything she came up with sounded either glib or passive aggressive to her own mind. Then she remembered Albert's words. Let your heart do the talking.
"Is the offer to keep trying still valid or has it expired?"