April 1st 2005

'Good Morning sweet-pea' Tony gently brushed hair back from her face, pressing a light kiss for her brow 'time to wake up'

'Gnnnnnfffff' she grunted, screwing her eyes tighter closed and stretching 'daddddddddyyyyy' it was a little whine 'it's still dark' she blinked into seeing, yawning.

'Well, we've got a big day ahead' a little tickle to her ribs drew out the sweet giggle that still sounded like her little toddler giggle, and he wanted to melt.

Her brow raised even as she knuckled sleep from her eyes 'doing what?'

'I don't want to call it a surprise because it might not be… it might not be a nice thing. It might be difficult. But it's something I should have done with you a long time ago. Will you trust me?'

Tiny furrow between her brow deepened, but she nodded.

'Do you know where we are?' He looked at his heart across from him, completely unperturbed by the changing pressures in the cabin as they descended, or the distance they'd covered over the past almost 12 hours.

'Southwestern Europe. I'm assuming were landing in Spain?' She looked at him, reading him intently

'How did you get to that conclusion?'

'Travel time and direction, the time of year, and I will grudgingly admit, being able to recognise the Portuguese coastline'

'How did I get a kid so smart as you?' He smiled, a little sad she'd figured it out, but simultaneously relieved she knew

'Its not like you made it hard' she wrinkled her nose at him 'want to tell me what were doing here?'

'Well' a large sigh deflated him a little 'its the day you came home to me. And since your mom is buried in her home country, I wanted to bring you home to her. To give you the chance to see your maternal origins. I've been selfish, keeping you to myself. But I should talk about her more, you should know more about where you came from'

'Oh' was all she said, looking down at her laptop to gather her thoughts. She knew she had had a mom. She knew her name, Annabelle. Knew she'd been a rising tennis ace. But she didn't really have an emotional connection to her. She had no memory of her, and aside from one photo, no visual to hold in her mind. She wasn't even really sure what a natural mother did- even with wonderful women in her life they weren't the strongest maternal figures either. Ana had been the closest, but she barely now remembered her either. 'Can you tell me what we're doing so it doesn't take me by surprise please? I don't want to cry in front of people, if it comes to that'

Ever practical. 'I tracked down Annabelles tennis coach and manager. A few friends. She was in the US when she had you, so they never met you, but they can tell you about her. I thought you might like to visit her grave'

'The whole orphan having a baby with orphan thing sure makes it hard' she tried to make it sound lighthearted, but failed. They both smiled sadly 'sorry'

'Don't be. Its true. Its not easy being an only child with a single parent and zero biological relations' he reached across and stroked her cheek 'i'm sorry, my sweetpea'

'It's not your fault. Either of you. Your brains weren't even fully developed' she smiled properly now 'you were both so young'

'Are you calling your dad old?' He raised his brow playfully

'I would never!'

'Goodness' Carlos said slowly, taking in the child of his star pupil 'you are so like your mother'

'I am?' Astrid said in surprise 'everyone says I look like dad'

'Yes, you do. But your eyes, the shape of your nose. So much of you is your mother. Here!' He offered his arm and led them deeper into the musty, slightly sweaty smelling tennis centre 'she was so beautiful. She was so beautiful to watch on the court' he gestured to a life size photo of Annabelle. She held a trophy in her arms, beaming. Her skin was a deep tan colour Astrid would never achieve spending her time in labs. Her brown slightly curly hair reached her hips, even in a ponytail.

She stared, taking a tentative step closer.

'You are almost as tall as her. Do you play tennis?'

'Not really' she shook her head but didn't take her eyes from her mother 'will you tell me what she was like?'

Carlos, then later Rafa, her old manager, told her all about the type of woman her mother had been. Quiet, but passionate. Deeply loving and loyal. A skill on the court to rival any of the current champs. Kindness to a fault.

Tony felt an unreasonable jealousy, watching their daughter learn about her mother. Her wide eyed wonder at the recordings of her matches, the adoration with which she looked at the photos.

He also felt significant guilt. He'd raised her for ten years not knowing anything about her mother, of course she was engrossed and adoring.

Should he enrol her in tennis? Would she want to? What if she decided she wanted to be like her mother, instead of him. Fear licked at his insides, a fear of losing his daughter to a dead woman.

"Get it the fuck together Tony" he reprimanded himself, taking a deep breath "she's always going to be yours, no matter what"

'I have something for you' Rafa said when they were making their way out of the centre 'before she left for America, Annabelle left this with me. For you. For her child' he corrected 'I never wanted to post it, in case it got lost. When your father got in touch I realised I could give it to you in person' from his bag he retrieved an orange A4 envelope with "to my child" written in the same flowing script as on the letter she had left with her as an infant.

Tony watched her hands tremble as she received it, whispering a thank you.

'Sweet infant, you are in my belly. I have never felt so much love in my life. This will be hard to understand, perhaps you never will, perhaps you will believe otherwise.

In choosing you, I doom myself. I choose to have you live a motherless life. I am sorry.

But I know your father, and he is a great man. I believe he will raise you to be greater.

I love you so much, my little infant. My little beloved.

What can I say to bring comfort? Yours is a circumstance few, if any, will be born into again. I do not know your father well, but yet I know him deeply. I know he will not fail you. I know he will love you as I do. I just know in my bones that you will share his mind. For that I know he will love you all the more.

I wonder who you will look like. What colour will your eyes be? What word will be your first? Will you dislike the foods I do?

Now that I know you are here, growing in my belly, I feel truly proud that one of my last acts will be to bring you into this world.

My darling child, my little one. No hay mal que por bien no venga. There is no bad from which good does not come.

You are the good.

Think good thoughts, speak good words, do good deeds.

One day I know we will meet again, and I know I will be proud'

Astrid sat on the ground in front of her mothers grave. It just had a little marble headstone, her name, the dates, and 'loved by many'.

It bothered her, Tony could see. To see her mothers life summed up in three words that weren't even about her, they were about others.

To the left were the graves of her maternal grandparents, and great grandparents. The reality of being an only child with one direct family member was painfully obvious to them both.

'Daddy?' She didn't look up but he could hear the strain of holding back tears in her voice

'I'm here baby' he closed the short distance and crouched beside her 'it's okay to cry'

'Sit with me, please?'
The dirt in this town was sandy, and even in the late afternoon it retained the heat of the scorching sun. His ass was hot the second he sat beside her. They sat in silence for a while, letting the afternoon fade to dusk. Her head leaned into his arm and they sat until darkness was beginning to encroach.
'I'm ready to go' she said quietly, but making no move to stand.

It was still pretty easy to pick up his kid, and he did so, carrying her to the car, setting her down and brushing the sandy dirt from them both. She gave a weary half smile and climbed in.

April 4th 2005

'Daddy, I want to go home' she said, quietly but without question.

They had spent most of the night with Annabelle's friends, listening to stories of her life, the kind of person she was, how she would have loved Astrid.

Now, safely ensconced in the villa Tony had bought just for this trip- and if she wanted to come back-, she showed her exhaustion.

'All the way home? You don't want to go see anything else?'

'Mom isn't going anywhere' it was dry, and they both wanted to laugh but held it in 'I don't think I can listen to one more story. I feel…'

'Overwhelmed?' He offered when she trailed off

'Guilty' meeting his eye she took a shaky breath 'I took her from the world. All these people who loved her, all the things she could have done. I took that away'

'Oh.. oh sweetpea no' he scooped her up and cradled her against his chest 'no darling. You didn't do anything. You're innocent in this'

'I feel guilty I don't think of her, or love her the way I love you. I love her, but it's different. Mom is a stranger to me' she sniffed 'and look what she gave up to have me. I should…' her little voice cracked and trailed off, her body trembling with sobs

'Sweetheart, mommy made the choice. It wasn't about what she was giving up. It was about what she could do. Even if she hadn't had you, her brain cancer was terminal. She might have had another 6 months, maybe more, maybe less, even with the treatments. She was dying. I know it's hard to comprehend but maybe one day you'll have a baby of your own, and it'll make it easier to understand. The few months mom had with you, she wrote in her letter to me, were the best gift she'd even been given. I don't think anyone can understand how much loving your child affects you until you have one yourself'

'I wish I remembered her'

'I wish you could too' he held her tightly, like that would be able to soothe her heart or the pain 'I wish I could give her to you'

'No' she said quietly 'I just want you daddy'

Tony cried as subtly as he could. Cradling his sweet girl in his arms, her legs overflowing his lap now. His girl, his favourite being on this earth. He loved her so much, it was overwhelming.