Chapter 6

Amusing Interlude

AN World of J.K. Rowling. And tribute to GenkaiFan's PoisonPen, which I read many years ago, an idea which I was thoroughly impressed by and always wanted to extend!

AMUSE;

a Muse on the happenings in Wizarding Britain

Shining the Light on the Truth: An Interview with Harry Potter

Wizarding Britain has been fighting against darkness for some decades now. The scars of the Blood War cut deep, and we saw a glimpse of that same dark past in June. Ever since then, Wizarding Britain has been in turmoil.

Today, we have the privilege of interviewing the wizard at the heart of the storm, Harry Potter, who has graciously agreed to unveil his experiences in this exclusive interview.

IT: Welcome, Lord Potter, and thank you for accepting our invitation.

HP: The pleasure is mine. It's time the truth came out, and I would be happy to answer your questions. And call me Harry.

IT: How have you been doing since the events of last June? I know it must have been a rather challenging time for you.

HP: It was. Early on, I used to see nightmares of Cedric's last moments. We had decided to share the Triwizard Cup, for Hogwarts; I wish it could have been different all the time.

IT: What did happen, really?

HP: Nothing that happened should have happened. The Triwizard Cup was supposed to send us to the winner's podium. Instead, an evil man had tampered with the portkey, sending us instead to another location where an evil ritual was being conducted. They needed the blood of an innocent, so they brutally murdered Cedric.

IT: They? And who was the evil man?

HP: I'll answer your second question first. The evil man was Bartemius Crouch Jr. , son of the Barty Crouch Sr, Head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation. Years ago, he'd secretly freed his Death Eater son from Azkaban, and kept him under the Imperius Curse, only to have his son break free and do the same to his father!

IT: But how could that happen? How did Crouch Jr. manage that?

HP: I do not know. Somehow he managed to get the jump on retired senior auror Moody; he managed to imprison Moody in his own trunk for 11 long months.

IT: So who taught everyone Defence?

HP: Crouch Jr. himself. He was using Polyjuice potion to impersonate Moody, and he did a good enough job to fool even Dumbledore, who'd been friends with Moody for many years.

IT: So the man who taught Defence for an entire year...

HP: Was an imposter, yes.

IT: These are rather bold claims, Harry. Any proof to certify your version of events?

HP: The public is free to believe whatever they want. But as for proof, there are multiple ways you can do that. You can ask Moody himself, get the truth straight from him. You can check Barty Crouch Sr. death certificate: he was murdered by his son. You can ask anyone of Professors McGonagall, Dumbledore or Snape. You can ask Madame Pomfrey about Barty Crouch Jr, whom the esteemed Minister gave to the Dementors to be Kissed before he could bear witness to the truth.

IT: Okay, those sources seem fair. Moving on, tell us about the summer: you were called to a full trial to the Wizengamot, but ended up revealing a few shocking truths.

HP: Yeah, the summer was quite eventful. After the events of the Third Task, you might have noticed that there was a smear campaign going on in our country's newspapers, targeted against me and Professor Dumbledore. Public sentiment is important to any politician; perhaps one wanted to discredit us? I do not know for sure. What I do know is that I ended up moving away from my muggle relatives, for my own safety. I also ascended to the Potter Lordship. I was having a peaceful summer, actually, when, to my surprise, a Ministry owl delivered a letter expelling me, of all things, for a Patronus cast in Surrey, where I most definitely was not living. Later, I was contacted by Headmaster that he knew the real caster of the patronus in question, the Real Alastor Moody. But, as I learned later on, my cousin Dudley had already been kissed by the dementors before Moody cast the patronus.

IT: That must have been horrible to hear, and to be blamed for it, terrible.

HP: Of course. Dudley and I weren't that close, but he was still family. The Dementors' presence near my supposed residence was no coincidence; it was a targeted attack. One my poor cousin fell prey to in my stead.

IT: And is there proof about the existence of this dementor?

HP: Other than the fact that Dudley is lacking a soul, the foresight of Mr. Moody in cutting off a piece of the dementors' cloak before banishing it was essential, as was his testimony during my bizarre trial.

IT: Tell us more about the trial.

HP: Firstly, it was supposed to be a simple case of underage magic, but for some reason, the Minister saw fit to turn it into a criminal trial in Courtroom Ten: the same room, for those aware, where Bellatrix and the Lestranges had been tried for their crimes. Then, he tried to bully me into admitting my supposed guilt; thankfully, it didn't work.

IT: That wasn't the only surprise from you that day. You managed to announce your Lordship of House Potter and also declare War; enlighten our readers about this.

HP: Of course. After the events of the Third Task, I realized that the Last of the Line Clause in the Ancient House charter made it possible for me to ascend to the Lordship of House Potter. This was essential because it allows me to perform magic to defend myself, protect myself from opponents, and improve my magical abilities without being held back.

IT: Isn't that a bit unfair for the others your age? You being able to freely perform magic?

HP: No. Definitely not. When you consider the fact that I can only do so because I am an orphan, the last member of my family, and my parents were murdered by Voldemort when I was only one year old, I do not think anyone would want to pay the price I did.

IT: And what about the Declaration of War?

HP: That is simpler. Firstly, I only announced the War in the Wizengamot. The war was declared a long time ago, in 1980, by Lord Charlus Potter, my great-grandfather and predecessor as Lord of House Potter. And it is not just a symbolic gesture. If any more supporters of the Dark Lord rear their heads, like at the World Cup, I will do my best to put them into the ground, where they belong.

IT: But isn't the enemy combatant dead?

HP: That is what Minister Fudge seems to claim. Which is funny, because the only eyewitness of the events of that terrible night who is publicly alive is me. Can the Ministry produce the body of this 'Lord Voldemort' ? If they could, I might declare the war ended. But they can't, because I do not think the Dark Lord is dead.

IT: But Minister Cornelius Fudge has personally assured all the citizens that HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED is dead.

HP: You know, there is a bird in Australia, known as the ostrich, that is rather famous for burying its head in the sand. Minister Fudge claims the Dark Lord is dead, without any evidence, because he is too afraid of him being alive! Because, as you all can check, during his tenure, the only thing that has happened to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement is budget cuts! If I remember correctly, the operating budget for the current DMLE is one tenth what it was in 1975, the year before the war began. Auror intake numbers are very low.

See, it is rather simple, actually. There are only two possibilities. Either he is alive, or he is dead. If he is dead, no problem, you would say, but the DMLE is still operating on a shoestring budget and the next dark lord will probably find it easy pickings. And if the Dark Lord is alive, as I fear, then he will easily win against the weakened Aurors and Hitwizards.

IT: If the Dark Lord is alive, as you say, why hasn't he done anything?

HP: Why would he fight when he can win without one? Look at the heads of various Ministry departments. Look at the most influential political forces in Britain right now. What is common among both is the presence of a high number of individuals who can be easily swayed by his Imperius curse, by their own testimony. Or claims, if they were really loyal to him and spoke otherwise. He can easily influence our Minister with a few words from one of these people.

IT: Can you elaborate?

HP: Consider for instance the smear campaign that has been running against Dumbledore. As a student at Hogwarts, I get the opportunity to spend a lot of time close to him. Anyone who claims Dumbledore is weak, or senile, is utterly deluded. He has done so much for the Wizarding World; some say he is the only one the Dark Lord feared. He felled Grindelwald and contributed so much to our understanding of magic. Why then is a smear campaign being run against him? Doesn't it look fishy?

IT: It has been rather illuminating hearing about your experience. As we close, we'd like your opinion on your latest Defence professor, Sr. Undersecretary to the Minister, Dolores Umbridge.

HP: The first words that come to mind are "Ministry Stooge". For that's what she is. She keeps telling everyone to trust in the Ministry; no doubt she was sent to Hogwarts to brainwash students. She has yet to teach us anything useful; Percy Weasley, in two weeks as her substitute, has been a lot more helpful. She doesn't allow anyone, from any of the seven years of students, to practice spells. Abysmal teacher, really, and I hope that her sabbatical is permanent. After she displayed some antagonism towards me during my trial, and even in classes, I decided to look more into her background. And what I found did not impress me at all.

IT: Do not worry, Harry. We ourselves have done some digging, and found rather interesting things. We shall reveal all in an expose, so look forward to our first edition!

To our readers, turn to page 6 to read the Expose!

Is the High Inquisitor too 'High'?

Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to Minister Fudge, Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts, and First High Inquisitor of Hogwarts by decree of the Ministry of Magic.

Seems to be a very accomplished individual, right?

But beneath the veneer lie some shocking secrets, ones that we have gone searching. And what we found shocked us, dear readers, and will shock you too!

Firstly, let us start from her position as the Professor of Defence. She was appointed by the Ministry, using the Educational Decree Twenty-two, which ensures that, in the event of the current headmaster being unable to provide a candidate for a teaching post, the candidate would be chosen by the Ministry.

Note that this decree was passed in July itself, a month before it was executed to send Madame Umbridge to Hogwarts.

Well, if the Ministry deems Madame Umbridge competent, she should be, don't you think, dear readers?

Well, we did some digging into her educational record. Only three NEWTs, two of which were Exceeds Expectations and an Acceptable in Defence. 6 OWLs; no O's, two EE's and 4 A's.

But that was a long time ago, right? We should judge her on her current teaching efforts, right?

Here are some comments from the Hogwarts students we asked about said efforts:

"What efforts?" says one 6th year Ravenclaw, "She hasn't taught anyone anything! She comes to class, makes us greet her, and then we spend the entire class reading that useless textbook! She has not performed a single spell in 3 months."

A 4th year Gryffindor was quick to confirm, "Forget doing spells; she actually told everyone that if they study the theory hard enough, they can perform the spell directly in the exam environment! Preposterous!"

We asked a member of Slytherin house for their opinion, and they didn't hold back, "Umbridge is not a Professor; she is a Propagandist. She has spent ten times the effort and time telling everyone to 'Trust the Ministry', and speaking ill of the Headmaster, than she has actually teaching us anything useful."

What about the opinion in the House of the Badgers? We asked a group of them, and got similar reactions, "We could forgive her incompetence, but never her malice. Not only does she herself not teach us anything, she also got a decree pushed through that disbanded all clubs and gatherings where we could have learnt the spells ourselves. Now we have to attempt to learn them on our own from books, and hope we somehow manage to pass our OWL practical!"

You might have gotten a clear picture of Madame Umbridge's teaching methods by now, but that is only one of her positions. She also holds the position of High Inquisitor, which allows her to supervise the other teachers and overview all punishments within the castle. She is the first ever High Inquisitor of Hogwarts.

"How is a women who herself can't teach going to reform education at Hogwarts?" asked one canny Ravenclaw. "Shouldn't the Ministry have sent someone from the Department of Wizarding Education, like Griselda Marchbanks or Edmund Tofty, with their decades of experience in testing students?" another 6th year Gryffindor remarked. Pertinent and sharp questions from such young minds, ones that need answers.

Incompetence is bad, malice is bad; but evil is unforgivable. As we inquired more into her doings in the castle, we found something that would make her other actions seem noble in comparison.

How would you feel if we told you students were being tortured at Hogwarts; tortured with an implement that can leave lifelong damage, which even magic cannot fully heal?

Torture. That is what detentions with Professor Umbridge have meant for so many innocent students who got on her wrong side!

The claims seem rather wild, don't they? We are not attempting to spoil anyone's name, not without evidence. Turn to the next page, where we have added photographs of the things that this vile woman has made the innocent young of our world write into their arms with blood quills.

Yes, blood quills, those heavily regulated writing implements that are used for contracts, to sign in blood. The 'esteemed' Undersecretary to the Minister has been using them to torture children!

Is this the reform she came to Hogwarts for?

Doubtless the Minister will protect his Undersecretary; what we ask is, if you don't give the children of Hogwarts justice, Minister, do you think you will be re-elected in 6 months? Do you?

Think on your actions, parents sitting in the Wizengamot; your lack of opposition to the Minister's actions is responsible for this. Ask your children, or the children of your friends, what it has been like living in the same castle as Umbridge.

Lack of action is easy; it is easy to do nothing.

But the cost is often tenfold.

All that we ask is that the truth shines bright, and justice prevails.

How to survive OWLmania with your sanity (mostly) intact?

OWL exams loom large, but fear not! With a bit of planning and some clever strategies, you can conquer your OWLs and still have some sanity left for Butterbeer afterwards.

1. Time Tactics :

Create a realistic study plan, breaking down the subjects into manageable chunks. Don't cram; consistent effort is key.

Prioritize your weaker subjects, but don't neglect the ones you're good at.

2. Charm your way through it :

Don't just passively reread your notes. Test yourself!

Use flashcards (maybe enchanted ones, if you have them! , practice past papers, and explain the concepts aloud – as if teaching a particularly dense first-year.)

3. Potions for the Mind :

A well-rested and nourished mind performs better than a sleep-deprived, caffeine-fueled one.

Get enough sleep, eat properly! Pumpkin Pasties in moderation!

Take regular breaks to avoid burnout. A walk through the Forbidden Forest might surprisingly clear your mind.

4. Study Buddy System :

Form a study group!

Explaining concepts to others helps solidify your own understanding. Just avoid getting distracted by Quidditch gossip.

5. Stressbuster : OWL season is stressful.

Find healthy ways to manage stress. Spend time doing what you enjoy – whether it's flying on your broom, practicing Charms, or simply enjoying a good book (not your Charms textbook, though).

6. There are no shortcuts:

Do not fall prey to seedy trinkets and supposedly charmed medicines to suddenly become a genius. There is no shortcut; they are all fake!

7. Don't Forget the Practical:

OWL exams aren't just about theory! Practice your spells regularly. Don't just read about spells; perform them.

Remember, success isn't about being perfect, it's about doing your best. So grab your spellbooks, your notes, and your trusty cauldron of hot chocolate, and let's conquer these OWLs!

Despicable Decrees

The past few months have seen increased Ministry presence in Hogwarts related matters, which have been formally expressed in the form of countless 'Educational Decrees'.

Here, we shall evaluate the various decrees and their impact on Hogwarts and Magical Britain.

Educational Decree Number Twenty-Two:

Appointment of Teaching Staff

This decree establishes a procedure for the appointment of teaching staff at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the event the Headmaster is unable to provide a suitable candidate. In such instances, the Ministry of Magic shall assume responsibility for identifying and appointing a qualified individual to fill the vacant teaching position.

Opinion: Not a bad decree, but not well executed by the Minister. Instead of sending a paper pusher like Umbridge, how would the students of Hogwarts have benefited from the appointment of an Auror or a Hitwizard, who spend a lot of time protecting us from Dark Creatures and Wizards? Would they not have imparted more knowledge and experience to our budding young ?

Educational Decree Number Twenty-Three:

Establishment of the Office of Hogwarts High Inquisitor

This decree creates the position of Hogwarts High Inquisitor, granting the appointee the authority to inspect teaching practices and ensure adherence to established educational standards within Hogwarts. The High Inquisitor's jurisdiction extends to the supervision of all instructional personnel and the assessment of teaching efficacy.

Opinion: A good decree, by all accounts. Raising the teaching standards at Hogwarts is an admirable goal. But again, is there any reason it should be one person? Could they not have appointed a 3-member committee to ensure neutrality and balance? And even if you only wanted one inquisitor, appoint one from the department of magical education, who has actual knowledge and experience in the field, instead of playing favourites? A three member team would allow the inclusion of one member of the Hogwarts Board, one from the Department of Magical Education, and one from the Minister's office?

Educational Decree Number Twenty-Four:

Regulation of Student Organizations

This decree mandates the immediate dissolution of all student organizations, societies, teams, groups, and clubs operating within Hogwarts. Any assembly of three or more students for regular meetings is herein defined as a prohibited organization, subject to mandatory disbandment. The formation or participation in any unauthorized organization will result in expulsion. Requests for authorization to form new organizations must be submitted to the Hogwarts High Inquisitor for approval.

Opinion: A rather stupid attempt to control the narrative. Is Britain at war, like 15 years ago? Even then these measures were not taken! Everything from student clubs, gobstones groups, chess tourneys and even the House quidditch teams were initially disbanded! An overreaching attempt to show-off the High Inquisitor's authority, one would think.

And since when has the Ministry been given the right to interfere in the private lives of students? What about the tentative alliances and meetings that occur between the children of Ancient and Noble families? Are they too supposed to grovel and seek permission from the High Inquisitor?

Educational Decree Number Twenty-Five:

Authority of the High Inquisitor Regarding Student Discipline

This decree vests the Hogwarts High Inquisitor with ultimate authority over all aspects of student discipline within Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The High Inquisitor's jurisdiction encompasses the imposition, modification, and revocation of all punishments, sanctions, and the removal of privileges pertaining to students. This authority supersedes any disciplinary actions previously mandated by other Hogwarts staff members.

Opinion: Fair decree, because a lot of the times House loyalties take precedence over justice in such matters (particularly for rival houses like Gryffindor/Slytherin). But again, due to the fact that it is one person who is in charge, yet again, their favourites can go scot-free. The current High Inquisitor has even circumvented the Prefect system by appointing her own favourites as the Inquisitorial Squad.

Educational Decree Number Twenty-Six:

Restriction on the Dissemination of Information

This decree prohibits all Hogwarts teaching staff from providing students with any information not directly related to their assigned curriculum. Adherence to this regulation is mandatory.

Opinion: Ridiculous. Are teachers now not allowed to speak at all? Are they perhaps dolls charmed to teach with animation charms? This is another blatant attempt to control the flow of information. Funnily enough, the High Inquisitor herself is a Ministry Propaganda tool; if anyone has to keep their mouth shut and just teach the subject, it's Umbridge herself!

As we conclude, we note that seeking to improve the conditions at Hogwarts is a noble goal. There are a lot of deficiencies at Hogwarts. The number of graduates with a NEWT in potions has gone down dramatically since the supposedly reformed Death Eater Severus Snape became Potions Professor.

The school brooms are older than Dumbledore's grandfather. A ghost drones on about History of Goblins, forgetting that he is supposed to teach History of Magic.

So many real problems that can be addressed, instead of getting into an unnecessary political war with the Headmaster.

AN How did you like the AMUSing interlude?

Also, a poll. I have decided to introduce some new characters, from the following countries:

France, Poland, Russia, Spain. I have decided on Barcelona, Krakow Poland), as the places of origin of two of them, for now. Any places in France and Russia I should focus on? I know there is a school in Russia called Koldovstoretz, but I am not entirely sure whether I should involve those. And should I make the characters speak entirely in English, or mixed-english-native? I'll have to use google translate or gemini tho:)