Alright, let's get this straight. This is a crack fic. It is unashamedly a crack fic. If there is any point in this story were you go "that doesn't make sense" good.

That said, I'm too professional for this to be abridged series level comedy, so I'm gonna try to give some Semblance of plot. But that plot is filled with crack ships (I do not believe Izuku would get along with any single one of the girls in "reality"), crack elements (seriously, how does one steal or crew a Superyacht alone? Unless I go with there being a bunch of "lesser" Vigilantes offscreen), Izuku is a chunni, ect.

But I had a rough few days so I needed a way to lose my mind in a constructive way so here we are.

Himiko staggered through the streets, half delirious from joy while the other half of her mind still clung to enough reason to recognize she had done something wrong. Saito had looked so beautiful covered in blood, but she had hurt him, and hurting people was wrong and-

She was stopped as she slammed into something hard and fell back on her butt. Looking up, she found a green haired, green eyed boy looking at her, an open trench coat revealing his chest, a wide brimmed cowboy hat and sunglasses on his face. In his hand he held a katana sheathed in a plain wooden sheath and in the other danced a golden coin.

"You wouldn't happen to be Toga Himiko, would you?" he asked, looking her over.

"How did you know?" She giggled with a blush, he was handsome, but he would look better coated in yummy red bloo-

Himiko felt her senses warn her and she dashed out of the way of a seeming slash made of air. People began to retreat around them as Himiko pulled out her box cutter. She lunged for him from behind, only for her instincts to tell her to dodge again, doing so just in time to see another cut of air, this time noticing the boy's hand leaving the katana's handle. Had he… Had he cut so fast she hadn't even seen it?

The boy pulled out the gold coin again, and Toga took the chance to lunge at him while his hands were occupied, only for him to vanish entirely. Hearing footfalls behind her, she turned in time to see him crush the golden coin, it shattering instead of flattening like gold would, and the boy's frame became more muscular, the muscles around his ribs bulging as his abdomen became more defined.

"A single coin should be enough for you," he said, grabbing the hilt of his katana, "don't worry, I'm not gonna kill you, that'd be a waste on a pretty girl like you. I'm just gonna beat you up and tie you up in some place for the cops to find. You should be out in a few years. Hell, maybe even a few days if you have a lawyer smart enough to go for the Vigilante Arrest defense."

Pretty. He thought she was pretty?

Toga smiled widely, before launching at the boy.

—

Izuku jumped as Toga came charging at him. Unsheathing his nameless blade, he carved a trench in the air, slashing her along one shoulder and sending her tumbling sideways. She landed like a cat, hissing and touching her wound. Or maybe it was touching her wound and hissing. Either way, hit, successful!

She curled, and Izuku got ready for the next attack. When it came, he lept over it, landing on her back and swinging his sword towards the back of her head.

She arched her spine under his foot, forcing him off of her and dodging the half moon swing for his throat so he was behind her again. Unfortunately, it looked like Toga was planning on that as she turned to drive a box cutter into Izuku's heart. He managed to knock her off course slightly, coughing up blood onto her face as his lung was pierced. He watched her go hazy eyed, touching the red liquid and bringing it to her mouth.

Ah, shit. She was someone with special dietary needs wasn't she? And going by her reaction, she had probably been deprived of it for a long time…

Izuku drove the hilt of his sword into her gut, knocking her out and throwing her over one shoulder.

When the Heroes arrived two minutes later, he was already long gone.

—

Rose, the former Healing Hero: Blossom, looked up as Izuku staggered into the stolen super yacht's medical room over one shoulder. Blood was leaking down his chest from where a box cutter was lodged and an injured girl over one shoulder.

"What the hell did you do? You were supposed to tie her up somewhere and make sure she was found by proper authorities, not bring her back here!"

"She's a victim," Izuku coughed, blood splattering the floor, "different dietary requirements, don't think she got them."

"Put her down and then lie your ass down, she doesn't have anything that can kill her, but you have a box cutter lodged at least in your chest and probably in your lung from the looks of it. I'll tell Chifuyu to get the boat moving," She texted just that, before turning and walking to Izuku's side as the Ryujin no Umikyojin (Blame Izuku being terrible at naming things) began to move. They never stayed in one place long, unless it was international waters, and with a wanted criminal with them, it was all the more important they get moving.

"You're a dumbass, you know that?" The green haired medic of the Vigilante Pirates said, "I know they say to keep the weapon in, but that's only if medical support is coming to you, if you're going to them, you're just causing more injuries to yourself.

Izuku didn't vocally respond, just grunted, as the box cutter was removed. Rose's hand was covered in the green of her Quirk and lay it over Izuku's injury. The lung reinflated, muscle stitched together and skin stretched over the injury, leaving a single white line over where the wound had been. Then she spun her swivel chair around to face the girl. Planting a hand over the shoulder injury, it sealed shut with as much fanfare as the previous one.

Grabbing one of the girl's eyes, she pushed it open and stared at the feline eye… Rolling her lips open, Rose found pronounced canines, almost meant to…

"Izuku, get me a bag of blood."

"I was right then?"

"Yes," Rose said, continuing to study her patient. Shortness of breath, irregular heartbeat, and when she tested one fingernail it popped off with disturbing ease, "I'm gonna fucking kill someone…"

"That bad?" Izuku asked

"She's suffering from acute anemia," Rose said, opening the girl's mouth and pouring the liquid into it. The moment it touched her tongue, she began to swallow, so Rose didn't have to worry about drowning her patient, and continued until the bag was empty, "go spar with Karasuba, I need to focus on this girl."

—

Karasuba was unique among the Vigilante Pirates. Everyone had lost someone driving them forwards, Izuku had his mother, Rose had the lost of her previous team, Chifuyu had her siblings. Karasuba though? Karasuba just liked fighting.

Well, technically she liked killing too, but that's besides the point because she rarely got to do it. Izuku was rather firm they only killed the most extreme villains, last time had been when they recruited Rose. Skewered that muscle villain right though the throat from behind. That had been satisfying.

Izuku walked into the living room of the yacht, his hat off to show his close cropped green hair. You wouldn't be able to recognize him compared to the pictures he had from when he was 15. The only remnants of a fire caused by a Blue Flame villain who had burned down his apartment and accidentally begun the Vigilante Pirates.

"Wanna spar," he said.

"God, yes," Karasuba groaned, grabbing her nodachi off of where it was leaning besides her and standing up, following him up to the deck, "What up with little miss stabs-a-lot, Izu?"

"Acute anemia, apparently. Rose will have her figured out, she always does."

Luckily for Karasuba, she had joined a group of people who could fight her on even footing.

"How do you want to do this?" Izuku asked

"Two Coins, I'm in the mood for something more physical than a spar."

Izuku took out two of his coins, crushing them and bulking up slightly. Karasuba drew her nodachi with a disturbingly, or so she was told, tranquil smile. Then she dropped the sheath and rushed Izuku. He caught it on the wooden sheath of his own weapon, even as it caused a deep groove and drew his blade too fast for the naked eye to see. Karasuba leaned back, feeling the displaced air tickle her throat, and kicked Izuku hard in the sternum, sending him flying into the pool twenty feet behind them.

She watched him twist so he was feet first on the pool floor and then disappear in an explosion of water, clashing with her suddenly. He pulled out a playing card and threw it in her face, before sending her flying back with a kick to her own sternum. He then grabbed a bottle of alcohol and threw it at her, where it splashed all over her and left shards of glass in her face.

—

[Quirk All that Glitters]

Wielder: Midoriya Izuku.

This quirk generates eight coins each day. Izuku can "spend" these coins by breaking them, giving him an increase in strength, though at the moment he can only use a maximum of 3 at a time. This also passively increases his luck, making him unnaturally good at games of chance.