FOREWORD

I have to admit, I haven't watched the latest series of Doctor Who. The main reason is that I steadfastly refuse to get Disney, as the BBC, for some asinine reason, have sold the rights for overseas transmission to a streaming service. However, there is some hope, as the 60th Anniversary Specials were eventually released on DVD and Blu-Ray here in Australia, so hopefully, Ncuti Gatwa's debut season (and all those thereafter) come out later.

I have heard spoilers for a number of episodes, including one called Dot and Bubble, a Doctor-lite story with a rather depressing twist at the end. After reading a couple of oneshots (both titled Bursting the Bubble, one with the Fifth Doctor by Marcus S Lazarus, the other with the Thirteenth by TimeTraveller-1900, and both are excellent, so read them), I actually wanted to throw my hat into the ring. True, I hadn't watched the episode in question, so apologies if I haven't quite captured the feel of it, but hopefully, I have.

Given their stupidity and xenophobia, to say nothing of Lindy's callousness in setting up Ricky to die, I felt the survivors needed more punishment. I wanted to do it as part of a crossover I hadn't done before. I decided on Red Dwarf. At first, I considered the Psirens, a Polymorph, a Psi-Moon, or a combination of the above…but then, I remembered a certain flamboyantly homicidal sentient virus. This is the result. Normally, I save stuff like this for Halloween, but this idea was too good to keep until then.

Anyway, time for the usual disclaimers. Firstly, there will be spoilers for both Doctor Who and Red Dwarf.

Secondly, there will be annotations, as is usual for my works. You have been warned.

Thirdly, this is an M-Rated work. There will be coarse language, violence, racism, horror, very dark themes, and sexual references. Again, you have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. Doctor Who and Red Dwarf are the properties of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, a Psiren will drink your brains…

GOING VIRAL

Lindy Pepper-Bean panted as she stumbled through the forest. Any attempt at stealth was gone, just the desire to flee. To didn't matter, as long as it was far away from.

And it wasn't far enough from. She could hear humming in the distance, not far enough away to be drowned out by the background noise of the Wild Woods. The humming was in Brewster's voice, but it wasn't Brewster.

Not anymore.

It had been a few weeks of absolute hell. The dwindling food supply, the arguments, the lack of shelter, and that was before the beast attacked them, dying after it savaged one of their own. And that's when the true hell began.

It had to be him. He had contaminated them somehow, with that voodoo box of his. He had been responsible for this, that outsider with the dark skin. They knew he was a threat the moment he made that stupid offer with that box, and now, he had brought this down upon them!

Lindy was so caught up in her rant in her head, she failed to notice the root until she was tripping and falling into the mud. Stars exploded in her head, and by the time she was conscious again, the thing that was wearing Brewster's body was standing over her, grinning an awful grin as he hummed that tune with stolen lips, tongue, and larynx.

Even now, his features, once handsome, were beginning to rot and decay, just like all the others. His skin was flaking off, his eye sockets were sunken. Even as she watched, an ear dropped off his head and fell to the ground with a soft, wet noise, murky blood oozing down the side of his head.

Coming to a finish with his song, he sighed. "Not that you'd get the reference, anyway," he drawled in a weird accent. "I didn't see Peter and the Wolf in this guy's head, and the Wolf's theme only works well with French horns. For being arrogant racist elitists, you folks sure did nothing to preserve much pop-culture from before. Then again, maybe that was the point. Don't let anything in that could poison the minds of the next generation…or rather, be an antidote to the poison."

"What the hell are you talking about?!"

"Ohhh, that's the thing," the thing in Brewster's body said. "I could do what I did with the others and do a Jeopardy-style round…but that got boring because you guys were so unreceptive. You spent your entire lives thinking…" And then, he switched accents. "…ZAT YOU ARE ZE MASTER RACE!" Before returning to normal, or what constituted normal for him. "…That you literally can't think any differently."

"Why should we?" Lindy snapped, about to embark on an indignant rant, before she was hauled up and slammed against a tree by her throat by the thing in Brewster's skin's rotting hand. Just enough pressure for her to barely breathe, but not talk.

"Bored now," the thing said, his voice briefly sounding feminine. "I heard you idiots talking, I consumed your memories. Hell, I thought I had it tough when I was infecting Dave Lister, given that I don't need to know how to open a lager bottle with your anus, but it goes to show, there's always lower depths I can plumb in infecting human minds." He tapped the side of his head. "It's so boring in here, full of social media, self-absorbed witterings and xenophobic elitism. I'm surprised you're not marching up and down the street screaming 'Sieg Heil!' while saluting, but then again, that'd be less fun than giving each other grief on social media. Seriously, the Dots are wonderful pieces of tech, but…well, I guess they had standards, given the things they created. Or maybe one realised what nasty pieces of work you were, and that idea went viral! Then again, two can play at that game."

Lindy stared, trying to concentrate on breathing, unable to retort, as much as she wanted to. What the hell was this insane creature? What was he?

As if discerning her thoughts, he said, like he was an ad (she hated those things!), "Got a craving for nicotine? Can't stop taking a puff of cigarettes, cigars, vapes, chewing tobacco or snuff? Try Epideme! A special nano-engineered smart viral colony that will block your cravings for nicotine, and help you never smoke again, guaranteed!" Then, in a quieter, more rapid tone, he said, "Disclaimer: Side-effects may include fever, necrosis, encephalitis, necrosis, brain death, necrosis, zombification, loss of body parts, necrosis, and halitosis. If symptoms persist, please consult your physician…and pass me on."

As Lindy's eyes widened in horror, 'Brewster' said, "So, it's good to finally make your acquaintance properly. I'm the Epideme virus, you're Lindy Pepper-Bean, or rather, Meatsuit Number…oh, I forget. I gave up counting how many hosts I've had over the years." He then gave a leering grin that seemed almost fanged. "After all, how many slices of bread have you ever eaten in your life?" he asked, his voice a deep drawl now, placing a finger from his free hand onto his lips, as if in a mockery of consideration.

Lindy couldn't do anything but stare in horror. This thing was a sentient virus, piloting Brewster's decaying body around? And she was next on the menu? But why?!

"Why?!" Epideme laughed, as if discerning her thoughts. "Because to me, you're food. And a meatsuit. But mostly FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD! Now, I have to admit, I'm pretty peeved at what that Kochanski woman did to save Dave. She tricked me, fooled me, but…well, c'est la vie, right? I've got to give them their victory, not that you'd see them that way, what with the skin colour on two of them, but hey, you're a racist idiot. But when they flushed the arm containing me out of Starbug, they sent me into some spatial anomaly, probably hoping I would be torn apart by spatial swirly-thing forces. But, as it happens, I ended up here, crashing down on this world. Remember the beast that bit…oh, I forgot her name. That beast ate the arm with me in it, allowing me to be mobile again! And from there, I'VE GONE VIRAL AGAIN! RENEWED FOR ANOTHER SEASON, AFTER A THREAT OF CANCELLATION!"

Then, after screaming in her face in jubilation, Epideme said, rather conversationally, "So, here's how it's gonna go down. I'm going to bite you in this body, and transfer to yours. Unfortunately, you seem to be the last of your particular group of survivors, but there may be more if I look. And if not…well, that won't matter much. I can exude a form of ice that can preserve this body for millions of years. And then, when anyone curious enough to search for survivors on this world does so, I'll be there, ready to defrost…and start transmitting anew, for season after season after season! There are soap operas that wish they could last as long as I have!"

Lindy wept. Why was she in this situation? She should have been safe, with the Bubble around her head, enjoying life, not fighting for it!

"The sad thing is," Epideme said, "if you'd only swallowed your pride and gone with the Doctor and Ruby, you'd be alive. Unhappy, maybe, but alive. Then again, I wonder if he would have let you on board his craft if he knew you effectively pushed Ricky September under the bus? That doesn't make you a survivor, just an accomplice to murder…though with you lot, I'd say it's just the universe engaging in pest control. But you know the old joke? About how two men in a tent hear a lion roaring, and one pulls on his shoes? His unshod companion says, 'You can't outrun a lion', and the shoe-donning guy just says, 'All I need to outrun is you'. That's all very well and good, until the next lion catches you." Epideme grinned, showing rotting teeth. "LET'S PLAY LIONS!" he roared, before clamping those teeth down on her shoulder…

Few would mourn the passing of these colonies, in the end, the Homeworld, Finetime, and others of its ilk. They had been intensely isolationist to avoid 'contamination', after all. The loss of life was lamented, but that was it. There were other human settlements out there, with more sane cultural paradigms, even if some were as obsessed with social media in so many different forms.

But a certain viral sensation cackled to himself in his icy tomb, awaiting his comeback. He was patient. He could wait. And then, he would spread across the cosmos…

THE END

ANNOTATIONS:

Go tell Aunt Rhody that everybody's…DEAD!

Whoops. Wrong song. Gimme a moment…

It's cold outside, no kind of atmosphere, and I'm all alone, more or less…

So, here we have it. Lindy and her fellow survivors winning a Darwin Award, courtesy of Epideme. True, they would have won one sooner rather than later, given their lack of survival skills, but still…sometimes, the universe helps things along.

Anyway, I hope I captured something of the zaniness of Epideme. Gary Martin made that character, and Epideme was one of my firm favourites of the seventh season, along with Beyond a Joke.

Now, I won't list all the references I had Epideme make. But I will point out that I made a reference to the Seventh Doctor commenting on the 'outrun the friend to escape a lion' joke in the last story of the classic series, Survival. Also, none of the song lyrics quoted here belong to me.

I hope you enjoyed it, and found it cathartic. A bit late or early for Halloween, depending on your perspective, but hey.

No numbered annotations this time.