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Radio silence from Charlie that night. Nick was afraid to text him, afraid that any response would be to finish what he had started to say at lunch. At form, they exchanged a very faint "hi" but then Charlie asked permission to go to the art room and disappeared without another look.

Nick caught Charlie in the hallway later and stopped him. He couldn't help smiling because seeing Charlie always made him smile, even now. "Hey."

"Hey." Charlie looked almost frightened to talk to him.

Nick took a step closer. "Did you want to get lunch together?"

"Um … I can't. Sorry." And he walked away.

Nick looked after him in a panic. So this was real. Charlie was shutting him out. He felt so lost. He couldn't bear to just let this happen, but if being together was making Charlie this miserable, how could Nick ask him to continue?

He went out to the picnic tables at lunch in hopes of finding Charlie there, but Tao was sitting there alone. Nick approached him anyway, setting his lunch down. If he couldn't talk to Charlie, he could at least try to make things right with Tao. Maybe Tao knew what was going on with Charlie; maybe he could tell Nick how to fix it.

As Nick sat down, Tao asked, "Where's Charlie?"

"I thought he'd be here."

"I thought he was eating with you."

Nick shook his head. "Charlie avoiding you, too?"

"I'm avoiding him."

"Why?"

"Because I'm pissed off with him."

"Oh."

Tao leaned toward Nick. "Charlie's my friend. I was so worried about him joining the rugby team and becoming friends with you because I knew that he'd get picked on by some of the idiots in your year. And guess what? He did."

In hindsight, convincing Charlie to join rugby hadn't been one of Nick's better ideas. Possibly he should have known that at the time, but he hadn't had any clue then just how terrible his friends were.

"I'm done trying to protect him when he's forgotten I exist," Tao went on, "like, I deserve to be appreciated. If he'd just told me that you two were going out, like, maybe I would have done things differently. Maybe I would have stayed more low-key and Harry would have left us alone."

Nick doubted that. Harry would have found a way to be obnoxious regardless. But that wasn't the important part here. The important part was putting Charlie and Tao's friendship back together. They needed each other, and Nick's presence in Charlie's life had messed that up. He had to fix it. "I think Charlie might be nervous about telling you because he really cares about your opinion. Because he loves you a lot."

"Yeah. Well. I'll believe that when I actually see it." Tao frowned. "Why's he avoiding you?"

"I think maybe … he's finding it hard having to lie to people about us. He's not angry about me being in the closet or anything, like … He knows I'm not ready to come out, but …" He left it at that, not wanting to voice his fear that Charlie was finding their relationship more difficult than it was worth.

"Look," Tao said. "I've known Charlie since we were eleven, and he's always had a tendency to believe that him just existing is annoying for other people."

"Yeah. I, uh— I sort of got that impression."

"He's not going to force you to come out. Which is good. He would literally never tell you this, but he probably wants to be something more than 'secret guy you kiss sometimes on the down-low'."

Was that how Charlie saw it? Was that how Charlie thought Nick felt? Was it possible Charlie didn't know that Nick couldn't think about anything but him, didn't know that Nick's life felt like it had only truly begun the day Charlie sat down next to him in form for the first time?

Tao continued, "And if you can't give him more than that, then … I mean, that's fine, but it's always gonna make him feel a little bit crap about himself."

"Oh." Nick had kind of known all that. He'd been worried about it for months, but it was different hearing it from Charlie's best friend. Before—before he let Charlie end things, he would tell him. Make sure he knew that he was the best thing that had ever happened to Nick in his whole life.

"You should talk to him," Tao said.

"Yeah, so should you."

"No." Tao looked stubborn. "I'm gonna stay pissed off with him for a bit longer."

Nick smiled. "You should try rugby. It's good for releasing negative emotions."

Tao raised his eyebrows as if to say he was being ridiculous. "I prefer fighting bullies."

"I kind of felt like that created a lot of negative emotions, actually," Nick said, gesturing to his slowly healing black eye.

"That may be part of Charlie's issue as well," Tao said.

"I know. He thinks it was his fault that I fought Harry."

"Was it?"

"No! Harry was being an idiot. To put it mildly. He deserved it."

"But Charlie doesn't believe that."

Nick sighed. "No. And … and I think he feels bad that I don't want to hang around with the rugby boys anymore. He doesn't seem to get that I didn't lose anything—I only realised that I never had anything to begin with. Those guys are terrible."

"No argument here. You need to talk to Charlie."

"I want to. I'm trying to! But he literally won't stay in the same room with me." Tao leaned across the table, looking at him intently, and Nick nodded, getting the message. "I won't give up trying."

"Good. I hate to admit this, but I think you've been good for him."

"Not half as good as he's been for me."

Tao nodded. "At least you understand that."

That night in bed, Nick texted, "Charlie, what's going on? Please talk to me" with a heart emoji. And he held his breath while he could see Charlie was typing, scared that this was going to be the moment that he went from being with Charlie to being alone in a life that suddenly seemed terribly empty.

Then the word "Typing" disappeared and there was no response at all.

He ran his thumb over the screen, hoping to make words appear where there were none. If Charlie wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't text him, how could he ever make this better? And if he couldn't, what would he do?

Charlie had changed his life. Changed him. In ways Nick was only just beginning to understand. Beyond being attracted to a boy, Charlie had made Nick start to look at the world around him with new eyes, had made him start to try to understand other people, had given him the chance to open himself up to new people and new experiences. Nick wanted that life—theirs together. The reassurance of Charlie's touch, the magic of his kisses, the contentment that came with just being with him. Without Charlie, he felt so lost. So alone.

As Nick sat staring at the wall, willing Charlie to reply, there came a soft knock on his door.

"Nicky?" His mum stuck her head round the door. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"Okay."

She came and sat down on the edge of his bed. "Nick … I know something's been wrong for a little while now, and I've tried to be patient and let you come to me, but—I'm worried about you." She reached for his hand. "Please talk to me."

He looked at his phone once more. Nothing. Then he put it down beside him and leaned his head back against the wall, trying to find the words. But there was so much, and he was so terribly afraid he was losing Charlie, and he couldn't even begin. "I can't."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Not … not tonight, Mum. But—soon. I promise. Okay?"

"And you're all right?"

"I don't know."

"If there was anything you needed, anything I could do, you would tell me?"

"Yeah. I would."

"Okay." She sighed and got up from the bed. When she was halfway across the room, he called to her, and she stopped.

Nick got out of bed and went to her. She held her arms out, and he put his head down on her shoulder and held on tight.

His mum held him for a long time, patting him on the back and whispering reassuring things, until Nick felt strong enough to go back to bed and try to figure out what to do about Charlie.